Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex Husband and New Wfe

216 replies

SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 15:42

Hi everyone, in desperation I find myself here. before I start my story, please can I ask that you don't berate me, im just looking for someone to tell me Im not bonkers! nor being taken advantage of at the risk of my children.

my exhub and I split up in 2015. things were relatively amicable. our girls stayed with me in the main, as I found it helpful to have them around me, and also because he moved in with his gf who he had been seeing for some time (found this out after). anyway the girls (then 12 and 13 ish) would go their dads once a week and then I upped it to everyother weekend. id started seeing someone (lasted about 8 months) but things didn't work out. my girls didn't enjoy spending time at their dads as his gf didn't make them feel welcome but they percervered as they love their dad.

so fast forward to now, I have a new partner my ex has married the gf. we have lived together for 18 months now, but y ex has become very bitter. we did have an informal financial agreement, but he cut that as soon as I started dating.

he then started cancelling the weekends with his daughters, which began to cause them such upset. he then refused mediation which upset everyone.

my ex was having overnight care every weekend, but this was getting in the way of his life, so he DEMANDED a change to every other weekend and a couple of nights which I gave into. I had a visit from his wife at the time, screaming and shouting the odds about when she is prepared to have HIS kids in her house!

so I relented and agreed to their rota. this was some 6 months agp, and the rota has been working well, up until now that is when he has taken to leaving me shitty voicemails, telling me not to send his kids to him. ive now received a solicitors letter setting out when he is prepared to look after his children.

I am at my wits end, for some reason he is failing to understand that his children need him and he needs them. his wife is playing mind games saying that his children smell, and that she can even smell their periods. she is doing all she can to derail their relationship.

we have no court arrangement, and he refused mediation. he played up about money so u had to make a cms claim. he refuses to pay even a penny more.

we have a shared care arrangement, which he is now trying to wriggle out of, I know there is no way I can make him see his kids, and you will hate me for saying this, but the same applies for me.

if I allow this behaviour to continue men like this will take advantage of women like me. he made these children with me, I didn't say id have childen on the understanding he'd always be there for them, I presumed that would be the case like many other women in my situation.

both mothers and fathers have a responsibility to their children... right? kids need both of their parents...right? how is his fancy free life with his pensioner wife be more superior to his children's welfare?

I know the solicitors letter isn't worth the paper its written on, but it has shook me never the less....

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 12/03/2019 15:12

I pray that my girls see that I’m the parent who does give a shit. I work very hard for them

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 12/03/2019 15:24

He has a conviction for trying to run you over, and yet she is the bad influence?

I’m not going to argue that she’s nice, but bloody hell youre focusing on the wrong person there!

For me personally the absolute worst thing about divorce was losing time with my kids.

They’re 15/16 - well beyond the age that having kids restrict what you can do yourself.

Yes, he should step up. But he hasn’t, and you’d be better off letting go of that.

Enjoy the life and time that you have with your kids. Forget notions of him “handing them over” (what? You want him to legally be able to do that, and goodbye CMS Confused). He is wrong, he is an arsehole... but you need to let it go for your own sake.

MzHz · 12/03/2019 15:43

Some people’s lives lack so much that they can’t bear anyone else to have any sense of peace or happiness

Just walk away from him, he’s abusive and she’s vile

If your kids don’t want to see them, that’s fine.

They’re better off NOT having much to do with him anyway

Time to have a proper “grown up” conversation with your girls

Halo84 · 12/03/2019 15:52

Enforce maintenance for the children through a solicitor. Don’t force your children to see him. It’s his loss, in the end. In your shoes, I would tell my children “Your father is mentally ill, and it colours his relationships.” I happen to believe that by what you have posted.

Your daughters will come to a time where they won’t care if they see him. In the end, it’s his loss.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 12/03/2019 16:13

Can I be honest, i dont really understand your resentment towards you having the lion's share? I'm saying this from someone who's a single parent to 2 young children who also has the lion's share, the amount of pressure and stress I feel is tremendous. But I totally feel as if I have the better deal. My children live with me, i get to watch them grow up. I'm thankful of that every day. Your children should be pretty independent so surely life should be getting easier?
I agree that the none resident parent get a to pick and choose how much they participate in the children's life's, but I'm their stability and all the hard graft is worth it.
Remember what you've got not what you havnt got.

wishywashy6 · 12/03/2019 16:21

As much as it's a shitty situation OP, why are you wasting so much energy trying to change how your ex behaves? You can't. Your girls would be better learning how to accept that his actions don't need to shape their future rather than trying to force a relationship between them.
I speak as someone who has been in your daughters position. Dad wasn't around much when we were growing up, lots of broken promises, sporadic contact, too busy with new wife etc.
What did my mum do? Showed us how to survive without a man. She focused on all the things that were within her power to control to protect us, teach us and not allow a crappy father affect how we dealt with life.
I work with my Dad now, we're not particularly close but we get on ok. I've accepted that's just who he is and I have no expectations of him, that way I'm never disappointed.
I wouldn't want to spend my life being bitter and trying to change the behaviour of someone who doesn't want to change, father or not.
Let your girls see who he is for themselves

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 12/03/2019 16:38

I’ve told my girls so many times that I think their father is obsessed with me. It’s awful feeling.

OP posts:
stacktherocks · 12/03/2019 16:40

I’ve told my girls so many times that I think their father is obsessed with me. It’s awful feeling.

Why would you say that to your kids about their parents?

He sounds far from obsessed to me, more like uninterested and focused on his own marriage at the expense of his children. But why would you say that to them?

wishywashy6 · 12/03/2019 16:47

Eh? How is he obsessed?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 12/03/2019 17:01

I’ve told my girls so many times that I think their father is obsessed with me. It’s awful feeling

Confused you’ve said that TO your daughters?

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 12/03/2019 17:01

Because he wuestions them constantly. On my every movement. Like all the tine. I don’t do it and never have

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 12/03/2019 17:03

Yes! In fact they’ve said it themselves!! They’ve both said the only topic of talk at times is me and my oh. They just fed up of it. They told their dad they go to see him. Not talk about me

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 12/03/2019 17:36

You sound SO angry OP and you do have every right BUT it is destroying you.

"You need to step away from this and focus on your daughters. They are 15/16 not 3/4 so they can make their own arrangements."

This^^. If you haven't already then speak to your daughters and tell them you are taking a step back because they are old enough to make arrangements with their father. If he still backs off from them you can support them emotionally but in an age appropriate way - they are young but not toddlers. Be honest with them but support them.

Also you cannot change circumstances/the existing laws nor your ex nor his toxic new partner- it is what it is and you all have to deal with the here and now.

I'd also advise,if you are not already, getting yourself some 1:1 counselling to help you personally come to terms with this and get some calmness and acceptance back in your life because you will ultimately be the one to suffer if this continues as it is. All the best.

Chimpfield · 12/03/2019 18:16

Hang up your halo - for gods sake stop investing in his life, you sound very jealous of his new life...... distance yourself, he can do what he wants and he is nothing to do with you now. The children can make their own arrangements to see him - from what you have said you've done a good job of poisoning them against him. unfortunately life isn't like little house on the prairie.

DuchessOfPhysics · 12/03/2019 18:25

You have all of my sympathies OP. No advice because my own xh is useless and I can't make him a good man. No advice for you.......

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 12/03/2019 19:10

I have poisoned no one

Stop being spiteful

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 12/03/2019 19:10

Thank you for your thoughts anyway duchess

OP posts:
Chimpfield · 12/03/2019 19:52

I’m not being spiteful it’s the things you have written about the situation and info discussed between you and your children. It’s just as damaging as what your ex is doing. Take a step back and concentrate of your life not his

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 13/03/2019 01:14

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 13/03/2019 08:47

You accuse me of being a poisonous person.

I’m just a mom. Caught up in s shit storm.

I don’t need berating. Or telling that I’m getting things wrong. Already know that

OP posts:
Travelban · 13/03/2019 08:53

I have read the whole thread and I think overall people are just making the same points, which I am not sure you have acknowledged, hence perhaps the tone of frustration of some posters?

I think the points are that your girls are nearly adults now and you should leave the interaction/visits arrangements to them. Let them lead. This will allow you to step back.

If the girls talk about their dad maybe just nod and move on, I think everyone has agreed that he is what he is but you need to step back and move on with your life, as hard as that is. We all feel sympathy for you but you need to let go of the anger for you own sake.

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 13/03/2019 08:59

Thsbk you tb

OP posts:
JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 13/03/2019 09:35

I agree but I think the problem is your probably frustrated and warn down from years of crap with him and bringing up the girls alone (sorry I may be wrong).

Things are always more complicated than people realise and it takes it's toll over time. Mau be you need yo start looking after yourself better?? And lòoking at the things you can control and change. Xx

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 13/03/2019 10:02

You are right. It’s frustrating and I’m worn out. I just can’t please people x

OP posts:
MzHz · 13/03/2019 13:47

How are you today? Do you think you’ll be able to gain some distance from the mess your ex has created? I think that’s going to be critical to how you feel in yourself going forward