Ex Husband and New Wfe

[SillyBillyMeClarkie]

Hi everyone, in desperation I find myself here. before I start my story, please can I ask that you don't berate me, im just looking for someone to tell me Im not bonkers! nor being taken advantage of at the risk of my children.

my exhub and I split up in 2015. things were relatively amicable. our girls stayed with me in the main, as I found it helpful to have them around me, and also because he moved in with his gf who he had been seeing for some time (found this out after). anyway the girls (then 12 and 13 ish) would go their dads once a week and then I upped it to everyother weekend. id started seeing someone (lasted about 8 months) but things didn't work out. my girls didn't enjoy spending time at their dads as his gf didn't make them feel welcome but they percervered as they love their dad.

so fast forward to now, I have a new partner my ex has married the gf. we have lived together for 18 months now, but y ex has become very bitter. we did have an informal financial agreement, but he cut that as soon as I started dating.

he then started cancelling the weekends with his daughters, which began to cause them such upset. he then refused mediation which upset everyone.

my ex was having overnight care every weekend, but this was getting in the way of his life, so he DEMANDED a change to every other weekend and a couple of nights which I gave into. I had a visit from his wife at the time, screaming and shouting the odds about when she is prepared to have HIS kids in her house!

so I relented and agreed to their rota. this was some 6 months agp, and the rota has been working well, up until now that is when he has taken to leaving me shitty voicemails, telling me not to send his kids to him. ive now received a solicitors letter setting out when he is prepared to look after his children.

I am at my wits end, for some reason he is failing to understand that his children need him and he needs them. his wife is playing mind games saying that his children smell, and that she can even smell their periods. she is doing all she can to derail their relationship.

we have no court arrangement, and he refused mediation. he played up about money so u had to make a cms claim. he refuses to pay even a penny more.

we have a shared care arrangement, which he is now trying to wriggle out of, I know there is no way I can make him see his kids, and you will hate me for saying this, but the same applies for me.

if I allow this behaviour to continue men like this will take advantage of women like me. he made these children with me, I didn't say id have childen on the understanding he'd always be there for them, I presumed that would be the case like many other women in my situation.

both mothers and fathers have a responsibility to their children... right? kids need both of their parents...right? how is his fancy free life with his pensioner wife be more superior to his children's welfare?

I know the solicitors letter isn't worth the paper its written on, but it has shook me never the less....

thankyou

lol - not drunk - just very upset

Op

Your girls don’t want their father.

They want a father and have become used to a shit one and know no different.

They are old enough to be put fully in the picture.

I think you try to convince yourself that your girls are desperate to be with their father.

At those ages and given how poorly a father he is - I doubt they actually give too much of a damn

Honestly, if they were little kids this would be a lot more difficult. But they’re not. In the kindest way possible you’re exerting yourself trying to control a relationship that exists between people other than you (the girls and their father) and you simply can’t.

At their ages it’s time for you to let go, have a chat with them and ask them a very simple question: how do they want to do this? Either a) they want a relationship with him based on mutual respect and will give him a chance but if he messes them around cancelling at short notice and disrespecting their time they’ll not tolerate it, or b) they want a relationship with him enough to tolerate it being flexible, working around him in order to keep some semblance of a relationship going, or c) maybe they don’t actually want much to do with him right now at all.

Tell them whatever works for them, you’ll support them and respect their decision. And that you’ll largely leave the communicating with him to them, they have phones and email and texting, they’re almost young adults now not children. And if they ever need to talk about how it’s going or share their pain if they feel rejected they can do and you’ll hold them and talk it through without slagging him off.

And then take a big step back, breathe, realise that you can’t control other people and focus on your own life. Yes it’s unfair how he’s behaving. No, you can’t change it. And in a few short years they’ll have moved out and be adults and you’re gonna be left with your own life and no more ex drama to run around getting involved in.

If it helps, when I was 17 I cut my father off, I felt it’d be permanent at the time, because our relationship had problems and when he moved out after divorcing my mum and meeting someone new I just felt like I couldn’t be near him anymore. He respected my wishes and we had five years apart. Five years after we last saw each other he happened to send a card and I decided to meet up and see how it went, it was awkward but okay and we started cautiously meeting up and hanging out again bit by bit, we took it slow but within a year we’d developed a really close relationship that felt more like equals than father and daughter, we got on so much better as adults together and a decade later we’re very close and I don’t think I could wish for a better dad.

People can change, but sometimes you have to stop gripping a situation so tightly and let it flow where it’s going to.

PS it’s probably more emotionally upsetting as a teenager or child to feel you’re being continually pushed onto a parent who is uninterested and reluctant then it is to be empowered to say ‘for now, no. I don’t want to see or speak to him’. Are you sure you’re not doing more harm than good here OP?

I’m curious too: what’s the schedule like for your girls? What do they get up to during the week and weekends? Friends, hobbies, school, part time jobs?

I’m surprised you feel like you don’t get any respite as at 15/16 a healthy child not dealing with SEN or medical issues shouldn’t really be that underfoot constantly. From about 13 onwards all of my peers at school and I were pretty much forging our own lives separate from being glued to parents all the time. Even simple things like going for a wander in town at the weekend from 12 and from 14 onwards going to gigs and events and parties and whatnot. And at 16, a weekend job as soon as the clock struck midnight on our birthdays!

Are they okay and developing normally socially? Or recluses or something? Or are they only around a few hours each day but you’re struggling to cope with even that? Teenagers are hard work in some respects, emotionally for sure, but you should be starting to get plenty of time without them if they’re progressing normally, and on a practical level even they’re more than capable of taking responsibility for parts of the housework, making dinner for the three of you or for themselves some nights and so forth.

they have a good routine. i wished i could get them into part time jobs, but no joy, with regards to their socialising my youngest is out and about but my eldest is a hermit

I think the problem is that you are thinking about the world as it should be rather than as it is. Yes of course, parents shouldn’t be allowed to walk away from their kids. But in the world as it is (that can’t be changed), there is no way to implement this that would
not severely damage the children involved.. The ones who least deserve it. Is that really what you want??

It’s not about what abstract men and women should be able to do. It’s about the here and now and what’s best your children. You cannot make your ex do what you think he should do. It will never happen.. Because we all have choices. You could walk away too if you want to, and your girls will end up in care. Just because you would never do that doesn’t mean your ex is going to be a better person than he is.

Also I highly doubt things are so wonderful with the girls’ father when his girlfriend isn’t around. Perhaps it makes you feel better to think that but really, he’s allowing this woman to treat them this way. To make them feel unwelcome in his home. Yes she’s a bitch but he’s their father and if he doesn’t stand up for them it’s on him just as much. They are old enough to realize that.

Your girls are old enough to understand what you want and they probably want desperately to please you and appease your anger. They may or may not be doing this the right way, but in any event I wouldn’t assume you are getting anywhere near an accurate picture of what goes on at your ex’s house.

I feel for your daughters in this situation.

Ok.

I wil relent

I haven’t read everything, however there are some signs that your loosish parenting agreement and loose financial agreement was / is bound up with your relationship with each other. Like finances lessening when you got a bf, and every week becoming less, becoming more, nights here and there. Shared care can be messy if there is no not an agreed schedule.

I speak as a SM and an Ex. As a SM I found the loose arrangement of parenting with DP to be awful. I felt that the Exwife was in my house and dictating what happened when. If she felt like a weekend off, kids sent here. If she wanted time with bf, kids sent here. They were loyal to their mum so any antagonism spilled over onto me.

So I can partially see his gfs point of view. However it’s between you and your Ex and it’s him you deal with. I’d get a schedule sorted that is realistic and reasonable. Better he see them once a month regularly than every week but cancelling half the time. If he does cancel, make no excuses, this is his relationship with his kids and if he mucks it you can’t force him, but you can have a fantastic relationship yourself with them.

Kids grow up fast and I tell you, if your Ex is not bothering then he will seriously regret this soon. Kids grow so fast and you can NEVER get back those childhood years. You enjoy it, you have nice memories, lovely times, help them grow and get outside help instead if you need it.

stacktherocks has some excellent advice there OP.

I've been where you are. Angry at the refusal to take responsibility for kids he helped to make. But now I'm resigned to him never changing. Plus, seeing as my ex is such a shit dad, it's actually better for our kids to spend less time with him.

You need to find a very good therapist. Your head is all over the place and you’re working yourself up into a heart attack. Seriously.

Think I’ve had it

what i dont understand is why refuse mediation, demand a particfular rota and then dont stick to it? whats the point of that?

am i not entitled to plan - even if only just a little?

am i not entitled to plan - even if only just a little

Yes. So just plan but always plan as though he was out of the picture. Surely a 15 year old and 17 year old don't need you to cancel a night out if their Dad doesn't want to see them?

Why are you trying to understand his motivations and behaviours?

You need a proper financial support agreement and childcare agreement in place. Then stick to it by the letter, don't be flexible with days etc, it will just lead to more issues

Absolutely agree on finances, but no one is going to order “childcare” arrangements for older teenagers.

Your anger is misplaced. You can not force him to be an equal parent. There will be more damage done by you trying to make him step up then just excepting you are the more responsible and reliable parent. No way would i be trying to force contact i wouldn't want my children to be forced to go to their fathers when he clearly doesn't want them.
I totally agree that the none resident parent can pretty much do as they please, but i do not agree with changing the law and making the second parent accountable.
Im stuck in a dreadful situation when my ex husband treats me and the kids dreadfully and i mean dreadfully (esp me). This behaviour continues though as there is a court order in place. I always wanted him to remain involved in the children's life but iv learnt that it shouldn't be at any cost. There is a point where it becomes so toxic that its not in the best interest of the children and the parent.
Dont try and force him to do and be something that hes not interested in, your situation will become worse. Your children may also become angry with you for insisting on contact.

Please remember that even with a contact arrangement in place, he can still decide not to see the children. If your dealing with someone unreasonable not even a court order will stop that.

Stop being such a drama queen about it.

What do you mean, entitled to plan? Of course you are!

Surely your girls aren’t affecting your plans? They’re nearly adults. If you want to go out with your boyfriend for example, they’re old enough to be left alone!

SillyBilly my love, can’t you see he’s doing this (as is his wife) JUST TO FUCK WITH YOUR HEAD!

So take a step back, tell him to sort it out with the dds directly and leave them to it

If your girls don’t want to see him, that’s on him.
All you can do is be there for them.

Defuse the situation, he’s bitter towards you, and using the kids to get at you, so take yourself out of it and he won’t get any energy from it.

The girls are old enough to see what he’s like, and you can be the parent that DOES give a shit.

Are your ex and wife expecting or planning to have a child together?

I’ve left my Ex to sort out arrangements with his son now, older teenager. Of course sometimes I wish I’d time off and also anothe co parent, but he’s never been a coparent tbh, just a pain in the neck!

Result is he hardly sees our son. Although somehow Christmas and birthday he gets agitated and wants to see him... very annoying our son is not a toy.

Let go of your expectations that your Ex is going to amicably coparent. That’s not letting him off the hook, it’s letting you off the hook of trying to haul him into it. You parent, you enjoy your girls. You are all having to let go a bit here of him, as he’s not responding.

I parcel off DS to a summer camp, a sleep over, to his grandparents for a weekend. And he’s active in lots of clubs at the weekend and has a computer games in the evening. To be honest I don’t see enough of him! I really enjoy having him here.

They not planning a family. She’s 68 and he’s 52

Why is he bitter?? I have the lionshare of the children. They need more money than I can earn and his poor contribution goes no where near covering their actual costs.

He’s just has a big fancy wedding. New car. New motor bike. 5 holidays a year.

I struggle to make ends meet. He gives his kids £1 pocket money!

So I’m not angry. I’m bloody exhausted!!!