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Original poster

Ex Husband and New Wfe

216 replies

SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 15:42

Hi everyone, in desperation I find myself here. before I start my story, please can I ask that you don't berate me, im just looking for someone to tell me Im not bonkers! nor being taken advantage of at the risk of my children.

my exhub and I split up in 2015. things were relatively amicable. our girls stayed with me in the main, as I found it helpful to have them around me, and also because he moved in with his gf who he had been seeing for some time (found this out after). anyway the girls (then 12 and 13 ish) would go their dads once a week and then I upped it to everyother weekend. id started seeing someone (lasted about 8 months) but things didn't work out. my girls didn't enjoy spending time at their dads as his gf didn't make them feel welcome but they percervered as they love their dad.

so fast forward to now, I have a new partner my ex has married the gf. we have lived together for 18 months now, but y ex has become very bitter. we did have an informal financial agreement, but he cut that as soon as I started dating.

he then started cancelling the weekends with his daughters, which began to cause them such upset. he then refused mediation which upset everyone.

my ex was having overnight care every weekend, but this was getting in the way of his life, so he DEMANDED a change to every other weekend and a couple of nights which I gave into. I had a visit from his wife at the time, screaming and shouting the odds about when she is prepared to have HIS kids in her house!

so I relented and agreed to their rota. this was some 6 months agp, and the rota has been working well, up until now that is when he has taken to leaving me shitty voicemails, telling me not to send his kids to him. ive now received a solicitors letter setting out when he is prepared to look after his children.

I am at my wits end, for some reason he is failing to understand that his children need him and he needs them. his wife is playing mind games saying that his children smell, and that she can even smell their periods. she is doing all she can to derail their relationship.

we have no court arrangement, and he refused mediation. he played up about money so u had to make a cms claim. he refuses to pay even a penny more.

we have a shared care arrangement, which he is now trying to wriggle out of, I know there is no way I can make him see his kids, and you will hate me for saying this, but the same applies for me.

if I allow this behaviour to continue men like this will take advantage of women like me. he made these children with me, I didn't say id have childen on the understanding he'd always be there for them, I presumed that would be the case like many other women in my situation.

both mothers and fathers have a responsibility to their children... right? kids need both of their parents...right? how is his fancy free life with his pensioner wife be more superior to his children's welfare?

I know the solicitors letter isn't worth the paper its written on, but it has shook me never the less....

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:33

agreed, but it merely gives into his demands... why should we allow that? stand strong now?

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 10/03/2019 16:34

Even if you had a court order or had been through mediation, no-one at all can force him to spend time with his children if he doesn't want to. Definitely encourage him to make arrangements directly with his DDs, with you facilitating as needed. (Can they travel there on public transport or do you have to drive them?).

Bear in mind though, that any time spent with him is going to also be time with his wife, who clearly doesn't like them. This could (will?) be extremely damaging for them, and TBH I think the less contact with her the better.

What sort of contact with him have your DDs said that they would like? What is their view on the current situation?

As I said before, you are not responsible for his choices, only he is, and he is the one who will ultimately be missing out.

Sarahjconnor · 10/03/2019 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 10/03/2019 16:39

he then started cancelling the weekends with his daughters, which began to cause them such upset. he then refused mediation which upset everyone.

my ex was having overnight care every weekend, but this was getting in the way of his life, so he DEMANDED a change to every other weekend and a couple of nights which I gave into.

I’m confused. You said you upped it to every other weekend. Who upped it to every week?
I think they are old enough now to see their dad when they fancy it rather than imposed weekends. Can they not make their own arrangements with him?

BirdieInTheHand · 10/03/2019 16:40

It's not clear whether your concerned to preserve the time he has with them for his benefit or your benefit. You come across as a little resentful that you're having to do it all.

Your DC are old enough now to make their own arrangements with him. If leave him to it.

NoCauseRebel · 10/03/2019 16:43

Does he pay CM? I am not in favour of using this as a weapon fwiw but I would be inclined to write back to him to tell him that in future he should organise his contact directly with his DD’s esp with regards to which three nights a month it will be. And in lieu of the fact that you have written evidence that he wants three nights a month only I would put in an official claim to the CMS and claim maintenance that way.

They sound like unpleasant arseholes,and tbh your DD’s are old enough now to be able to make their own decisions anyway.

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:49

my children benefit from me having downtime, believe me teenage girls can be a handful. im keen to protect the time that has been allocated. my ex cannot see that YET, but he will, if this goes badly wrong it might never recover, and I dnt want that for my family,

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:51

I understand your point, BUT this gives into his demands. im not in a position to provide 100% care. I have my own health issues, which I manage, however, im not prepred for my ex to slide his resposibilitoes just because it suits his life. how would it look if I decided to be like him...the law needs to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:56

the new wife is 20 yers wolder than me and her kids are in the late 30's... she had an affair with my hubby and wants the best of both worlds. I am resentful, because I don't see why I should just roll over and say, yeah sure, ive had your kids, ill spend the rest of my life raising them, and being poor while he lives a fancy life. I didn't agree to that, like many other ppl in my situation. yet because of emotion my hand gets forced. he accuses me of being a bully. he has been influenced by he wife, she is a cruella lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:57

I wil not reward his poor behaviour by giving into his demands

OP posts:
SheWoreBlueVelvet · 10/03/2019 16:58

Are you struggling? Is that why the wife mentioned she could smell their periods.

Look if you aren’t coping then you need to get outside help for yourselves. Your ex doesn’t sound up to the job either. Go and see the GP and tell them you are under stress with it all and see what help may be a single. The ages of your daughters means that social services won’t be able to help much but there are certainly smaller agencies out there available to help the girls.

Oldbutstillgotit · 10/03/2019 17:02

OP , 30 years ago my Ex was awarded contact EOW plus after school one afternoon a week. He never had them to stay . Not once . He would occasionally take them to McDonalds for an hour but that was it . At first I did everything I could to persuade him to see the DC but realised that if I had to force him to see his own DC , it wasn’t beneficial to them so I stopped . Now adults they have very little contact with their Dad .
I totally get what you are saying about responsibility but do you really want your girls with someone who isn’t bothered and, even worse a woman who is so horrible to them.
If you have friends / family who could give you a break that would be good but, if not I think you just have to grin and bear it. Your DDs are of an age they will soon be able to make their own decisions and arrangements.

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 17:04

no, sorry, you misunderstand me. im managing a medical condition, the wife is just being spiteful lol

OP posts:
BirdieInTheHand · 10/03/2019 17:04

So this is more about wanting time away from your DC than genuinely wanting them to pursue a relationship with their dad?

The reality is their dad doesn't give a shit, his new wife doesn't give a shit and you're in real danger of giving your DD then impression that you don't give a shit either.

Unless there is something else going on requiring down time away from teens is a bit odd. And yes I have teens. And younger DC.

Exhsuatedmuch · 10/03/2019 17:11

I tried flogging that dead horse with my ex. Never paid a penny, made a fuss he didn't have a life if he had to fit them in as well etc and when I met my now husband he basically saw it as his job to be the dad. I phoned, I had meetings, I begged, I bribed as I could see what it was doing to the kids to have him not care. However looking back I was forcing something he didn't want which meant the kids had to see over and over that I was making him see them. It did them nogood. The minute I pulled back he never contacted them again and they actually became more settled in life knowing they had a loving mum and dad at home. Years later my dh applied to formally adopt them to help them feel secure to then recieve a ton of messages from ex to tell him him he wasn't their dad and he would always be there dad etc etc. We filed a claim for child maintenence and 24 hours after getting the letter telling him he owed £15 a week to me he messaged my dh to say have them then. You can't make someone love your child even if it's so wrong that they don't. All you can do is ensure that they do know they are loved and wanted by you and your dp....

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 17:13

im very lucky that my girls know that I love them and support them very much, they do their best to ignore the poor behaviour of his wife, and just keep reinforcing to their dad that they go to see him. they are helpful and kind girls, and do all they can to be good when they are t their dads. things are ok with their dad most of the time. the wife however, seeing the girls as being in the way, she ct do what she wants, and while he is at work she says she has to look after them. y ex wont change his hours, which is why his wife is moaning.

so, I do give a shit, and as I said, I wont give into his poor behaviour.

OP posts:
MumUnderTheMoon · 10/03/2019 17:16

I think the best thing to do in this case is to ensure your dc feel secure in themselves and make sure that they know they have done nothing wrong. If he cancels an arranged visit or won't make arrangements then reassure them they have done nothing wrong and that you hope he will realise in the future that he has hurt them and be sorry but that they have you and each other and that they will be ok. Also get in touch with cms to let them know they aren't with him as much as he will have to pay more maintenance.

Oldbutstillgotit · 10/03/2019 17:16

You say you won’t “give in to his poor behaviour “. What exactly do you plan to do ? I am not without sympathy but, realistically , what can you do ?

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 10/03/2019 17:16

however, im not prepred for my ex to slide his resposibilitoes just because it suits his life. how would it look if I decided to be like him...
They would be in care. Possibly they still could if you want that option.

Op there is nothing you can do about their father. You have given him the opportunity to have a relationship which as the resident parent is as much as you can do. If you need time away from them I’m afraid it’s down to you too. However they are not young children. Surely you are ok to leave them to themselves for a time? Would he have them for holidays so you can have a week or two on your own rather than just an odd night everybody month?

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 17:17

id prefer my ex to give them up legally - but until he does legally he will keep throwing the hand grenades into our lives. he wants to pick and choose, and im refusing him that - hes not entitled. he has a legal responsibility.... I cannot reward bad behaviour by submitting to his demands, its not right

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 17:19

I just don't know - its just gtting me down. I need to be able to function and go to work, I need to be able to earn a living, and plan a little.

My ex does this with ease...

OP posts:
RhymingRabbit · 10/03/2019 17:19

I think you need some help to deal with your anger and frustration. I can understand why you feel so angry, but to be honest you are doing your daughters no favours. Your posts are all about how his behaviour affects you and and your rights v. his rights but you need to think about the children. Yes in an ideal world he would want to spend time with his daughters and be a proper parent BUT he doesn't and you forcing him to do this will only highlight to his daughters that they are unwanted - except they will think that he doesn't want them and neither do you.

Yes it is hard raising two daughters , you say you can't manage alone due to ill health - does this mean that your partner doesn't help you. If so you may need to contact social services for support, advise and possibly even respite. To force a relationship with their dad is only going to dmage them.

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 17:21

thankyou

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RhymingRabbit · 10/03/2019 17:23

I need to be able to function and go to work, I need to be able to earn a living, and plan a little.

So stop contact and retake control over your life. The girls are old enough to take care of themselves (barring any SEN issues) so his behaviour really shouldn't be affecting YOU this much. Your daughters yes but you not so much. I think that you and he are a bit co-dependent and this conflict is keeping your negative relationship going. Let it go .

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 17:26

I never said I cannot cope due to poor health.

my point is that my ex has a duty to take responsibility for his children. I have managed the lionshare and my girls are well cared for.

my point is that is just not acceptable for an absent parnt to pick and choose. and if I allow that my kids grow up without their dad - which is wrong, just as him not wanting them is wrong too, is an awful situation, especially as they want to see him

OP posts: