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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex Husband and New Wfe

216 replies

SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 15:42

Hi everyone, in desperation I find myself here. before I start my story, please can I ask that you don't berate me, im just looking for someone to tell me Im not bonkers! nor being taken advantage of at the risk of my children.

my exhub and I split up in 2015. things were relatively amicable. our girls stayed with me in the main, as I found it helpful to have them around me, and also because he moved in with his gf who he had been seeing for some time (found this out after). anyway the girls (then 12 and 13 ish) would go their dads once a week and then I upped it to everyother weekend. id started seeing someone (lasted about 8 months) but things didn't work out. my girls didn't enjoy spending time at their dads as his gf didn't make them feel welcome but they percervered as they love their dad.

so fast forward to now, I have a new partner my ex has married the gf. we have lived together for 18 months now, but y ex has become very bitter. we did have an informal financial agreement, but he cut that as soon as I started dating.

he then started cancelling the weekends with his daughters, which began to cause them such upset. he then refused mediation which upset everyone.

my ex was having overnight care every weekend, but this was getting in the way of his life, so he DEMANDED a change to every other weekend and a couple of nights which I gave into. I had a visit from his wife at the time, screaming and shouting the odds about when she is prepared to have HIS kids in her house!

so I relented and agreed to their rota. this was some 6 months agp, and the rota has been working well, up until now that is when he has taken to leaving me shitty voicemails, telling me not to send his kids to him. ive now received a solicitors letter setting out when he is prepared to look after his children.

I am at my wits end, for some reason he is failing to understand that his children need him and he needs them. his wife is playing mind games saying that his children smell, and that she can even smell their periods. she is doing all she can to derail their relationship.

we have no court arrangement, and he refused mediation. he played up about money so u had to make a cms claim. he refuses to pay even a penny more.

we have a shared care arrangement, which he is now trying to wriggle out of, I know there is no way I can make him see his kids, and you will hate me for saying this, but the same applies for me.

if I allow this behaviour to continue men like this will take advantage of women like me. he made these children with me, I didn't say id have childen on the understanding he'd always be there for them, I presumed that would be the case like many other women in my situation.

both mothers and fathers have a responsibility to their children... right? kids need both of their parents...right? how is his fancy free life with his pensioner wife be more superior to his children's welfare?

I know the solicitors letter isn't worth the paper its written on, but it has shook me never the less....

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 11/03/2019 08:16

But he doesn’t care about you so why would you expect different?

He’s shown who he is, why are you so determined not to accept the situation?

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 11/03/2019 08:31

Because I’m time to come he will regret his actions. And it will be too late for him and his daughters. Whilst ppl think I’m angry. I’m actually frightened of these people losing each other beyond it being fixed

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 11/03/2019 08:41

Because I’m time to come he will regret his actions.

That’s HIS problem. You cannot force a relationship to be what it isn’t. All you can do is love your girls and protect them.

You will do them more harm sending them somewhere they aren’t wanted and are mistreated.

Merryoldgoat · 11/03/2019 08:42

And there’s no guarantee he’ll regret his actions. Loads of people don’t.

IvanaPee · 11/03/2019 08:48

Because I’m time to come he will regret his actions.
Maybe he won’t. And all of this will do nothing but deepen the resentment and bad blood.

They’re nearly adults in any case. You shouldn’t have this much involvement.

lilybetsy · 11/03/2019 08:53

You sound like you dont wan them much. happier to send them 50 /50 to a disinterested father and a bullying new wife. Because you need down time ? I dont think two teenagers need much physical care so you are talking about emotional downtime. Which you would not have if you were still married to their father.

why would you force them to go where they are unwanted and unloved? Look at your own motivations ....

Littleraindrop15 · 11/03/2019 08:53

Op practically every poster has said that you can't force him to have your children and if he wants to shirk his responsibility he can.

Stop going on about his responsibility and tell your daughters the truth he doesn't want to be in contact as often and let them stay with you. I would never be sending my kids whereby the wife is abusing them. Don't send them there period!

The relationship between your daughter and their father is their own and you can't sit there and make him have a relationship if he doesn't want to anymore and it's not your stress to take that on-board.

Accept the fact he is a douche and continue your life with your daughter atleast they won't need to put up with abuse at their fathers anymore.

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 11/03/2019 08:57

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 11/03/2019 08:58

I jnow

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 11/03/2019 08:59

In all honesty, I agree that this is about you wanting time with your partner and being pissed off that you don’t get a holiday from your children!

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 11/03/2019 09:03

You are completely incorrect

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 11/03/2019 09:05

That type of reply only serves to excaserbate an already sad situation.

I’d ask you to not say these things. You dint live my life nor walk in my shoes.

I am by no means pissed off in that regard. I’m upset that the absent parent can pick n choose and abandon at a whim.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 11/03/2019 09:07

Op protect your girls, stop trying to involve them with their toxic father and step mother.

He has chosen what type of father he wants to be.

Your girls will come to their own conclusions as to who he is.

My advice is to talk to the school, get counselling for your girls (and you seperately via gp). Get a support network around your girls and you.

Time to stop this toxic man and situation from harming your dd's.

IvanaPee · 11/03/2019 09:09

Well, it shouldn’t. It’s a person’s opinion on an Internet forum. And IMO there are signs pointing to it so might be worth looking at.

You’re being very dramatic. About all of it. I think you’d benefit from dialing down the drama, accepting what you can’t change, and being the best parent you can be for your children.

You can’t control how he parents. The law will never force an absent parent to see his child because it’s unenforceable past what already done.

Acceptance will help with your resentment I think.

Bluntness100 · 11/03/2019 09:15

Your daughters are fifteen and sixteen, you talk about them like they are small kids. Right now this is between them and him. Not you.

Your home is their home. You cannot force them out to stay with him,

So him and them need to agree when to see each other. If the girls are unhappy you can speak to him but ultimately it's not your call.

LittleTipple · 11/03/2019 09:32

OP we all agree with you that he's a shit, she's a shit and it's a shit situation. However, you are where you are and you knew when you had children that due to divorce, death, illness you could be left with your DC. That is just life. Many men fight for equal custody, but many more don't. This is nothing new and an equal responsibility law is not viable.

I can guarantee you his so called wonderful life isn't as good as it looks. Imagine living with a nasty thing like his wife. You have a partner and two great DC. Yes it's hard work, but in a couple of years they'll be adults and this will all be out of your hands. It's up to him and then what relationship they have going forward.

It's no good just to keep ranting about responsibilities. These are not nice people and your DC are at an impressionable age. Once again, why are you so keen for them to spend so much time with them? It's not about point scoring or 'it's not fair', it's about taking control of the situation and ensuring the happiness of your own family unit - which sounds like it would be better without your ex in it. Or at least for a minimal amount of time.

fairydustandpixies · 11/03/2019 09:49

I'm going to be flamed for this, but at 15 and 16 the girls can choose for themselves. They'll have their own lives now. How many teenagers want to be spending time with their parents anyway? They can make their own decisions, I assume they know where he lives. They can surely go and knock on his door.

You can't force anyone to see anyone. Sounds to me like the OP is 'loved up' and wants private time with her DP without her DDs which is what she sees her exH has with his DW.

The important people here are the DDs and what they want - and they're old enough to decide.

trulybadlydeeply · 11/03/2019 09:53

Just wanted to leave this here, it's helped me. Let go of what he should be doing, how he is not meeting his responsibilities. It is shit, I agree, I also have an ex who doesn't pull his weight (or anywhere near) but that's his choice. I focus on me and meeting my responsibilities, everything else is irrelevant. It helps, and I feel more at peace about things.

Ex Husband and New Wfe
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 11/03/2019 09:54

not the case - but thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 11/03/2019 09:54

trulybadlydeeply - thankyou. ill take a look at this

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 11/03/2019 10:19

ALannisterInDebt - thankyou

OP posts:
Travelban · 11/03/2019 10:53

Fwiw and I know it's not the same, but Dh and I had some difficult years struggling to balance full time jobs, illness and had zero family support - it was as if our families completely abandoned us so that they did not have to help. I have occasionally felt upset, mainly like you as I had a rosy picture of the children growing up with a network of extended family who would be there for them, but I ended up accepting it.

Now that my eldest is a well rounded, articulate and nice teenager, they have all come out of the woodwork, inviting her to go and stay. It really annoys me as now they want a ready made relationship and they get sulky when dd doesn't want to go as it would feel weird as she barely knows them.

I have started to let dd (same age as yours) decide, step back and do this as ultimately it will be his loss.

YoLoHogwomanay · 11/03/2019 11:29

OP, you sound a bit drunk at times posting here tbh.

I too have an ex who doesnt accept equal responsibility for his kids, does minimal contact, minimum child maintenance, etc. Basically he lives his life free of any thoughts of them, unless it suits him. I was angry like you at fieat, thought he should step up and be a dad, even/more so if we weren't together. But he won't and I can't make him. I'm the lucky one, because my kids are in my life and want to be, and their relationship with their dad is rubbish. My gain and his loss.

OP, you need to let this go. And as other PP have said, your girls are old enough to make their own arrangements directly with him, so leave them to it and step back.

CanILeavenowplease · 11/03/2019 12:05

I am resentful, because I don't see why I should just roll over and say, yeah sure, ive had your kids, ill spend the rest of my life raising them, and being poor while he lives a fancy life. I didn't agree to that, like many other ppl in my situation. yet because of emotion my hand gets forced

Resentment, contempt, bitterness....is that what you want for yourself? You are right, of course, it's not right or fair or just or reasonable or anything else that your ex gets to do whatever it is he wants and you're left bringing up your joint children. But it is what it is and you can't force him to be reasonable or see it from your point of view. You can't make him a better parent. You can't make him spend time with his children or make the time that he spends quality time.

Your children need you to act sensibly and with considered reason. One of their parents is refusing to step up. You can fight that - with all the resentment that comes with it - or you can 'let it go' and 'move on'. Letting it go and moving on are probably a far harder option but I am pretty sure your children will thank you for it long term. You have done what you can, just smile, agree, let it wash over you. It's hard to argue and have conflict with someone who doesn't argue or do conflict.

Mmmmbrekkie · 11/03/2019 12:15

I’m a single mother
Two young children

I’m always baffled by the amount of threads where single mothers are trying to foist their children on to ex partners that have no interest in the having the child and when the child is there - there is very limited interaction or the new partner is awful to them etc etc

Pursue them financially by all means. But if they’re not interested in their children, leave it. Embrace it in fact!