Ex Husband and New Wfe

[SillyBillyMeClarkie]

Hi everyone, in desperation I find myself here. before I start my story, please can I ask that you don't berate me, im just looking for someone to tell me Im not bonkers! nor being taken advantage of at the risk of my children.

my exhub and I split up in 2015. things were relatively amicable. our girls stayed with me in the main, as I found it helpful to have them around me, and also because he moved in with his gf who he had been seeing for some time (found this out after). anyway the girls (then 12 and 13 ish) would go their dads once a week and then I upped it to everyother weekend. id started seeing someone (lasted about 8 months) but things didn't work out. my girls didn't enjoy spending time at their dads as his gf didn't make them feel welcome but they percervered as they love their dad.

so fast forward to now, I have a new partner my ex has married the gf. we have lived together for 18 months now, but y ex has become very bitter. we did have an informal financial agreement, but he cut that as soon as I started dating.

he then started cancelling the weekends with his daughters, which began to cause them such upset. he then refused mediation which upset everyone.

my ex was having overnight care every weekend, but this was getting in the way of his life, so he DEMANDED a change to every other weekend and a couple of nights which I gave into. I had a visit from his wife at the time, screaming and shouting the odds about when she is prepared to have HIS kids in her house!

so I relented and agreed to their rota. this was some 6 months agp, and the rota has been working well, up until now that is when he has taken to leaving me shitty voicemails, telling me not to send his kids to him. ive now received a solicitors letter setting out when he is prepared to look after his children.

I am at my wits end, for some reason he is failing to understand that his children need him and he needs them. his wife is playing mind games saying that his children smell, and that she can even smell their periods. she is doing all she can to derail their relationship.

we have no court arrangement, and he refused mediation. he played up about money so u had to make a cms claim. he refuses to pay even a penny more.

we have a shared care arrangement, which he is now trying to wriggle out of, I know there is no way I can make him see his kids, and you will hate me for saying this, but the same applies for me.

if I allow this behaviour to continue men like this will take advantage of women like me. he made these children with me, I didn't say id have childen on the understanding he'd always be there for them, I presumed that would be the case like many other women in my situation.

both mothers and fathers have a responsibility to their children... right? kids need both of their parents...right? how is his fancy free life with his pensioner wife be more superior to his children's welfare?

I know the solicitors letter isn't worth the paper its written on, but it has shook me never the less....

Thank you fir asking. I’m ok today. Feeling resigned

I know, it’s rubbish giving up on the idea that your ex could just get over himself and put his kids first

You my dear have done more than enough to try to make up for his shortcomings, but you can’t ever fully cover up for what he has or hasn’t done

He has to take responsibility for the relationship he has with his girls.

I know, I tried with my ds dad, I said on a number of occasions that if he didn’t bother with ds, eventually ds wouldn’t bother with him.

“Don’t you tell me how to be with my ds!” That was his response

We do this to protect our dc feelings, we don’t want them to be hurt, but we have at some point to teach them about the world and how not everyone behaves the way we’d like, but that it’s not a reflection in them as kids, it’s on the person being mean/distant/crap.

Your girls do know the score my dear, it’s time to have the age appropriate conversation with them, it’s time to get their dad to make the running... or not.

You’ll be there for them whatever happens

so my ex informed the girls of his actions etc. not gone down well, they want me to fight it with solicitors letters, but I don't have the money or the time.

my youngest daughter who is 15 is causing me all sorts of problems, the fighting with her sister is unbearable. its vicious. I cannot cope at all.

its affecting my relationship with my partner.

its so bad with her that I have had to call the police to get her under some control. this is affecting my ability to live and be able to work and hold down my job and relationship, while my ex husband swans around without a care in the world.

I feel like just leaving - if he doesn't care enough to ensure his daughters are ok - what am I to do? My partner wont stop at home, its caused a massive row between us - the pressure is just too much.

HELP

What do you mean about the girls wanting you to fight? Do you mean they want to insist that he sees them regularly? Unfortunately I think you have come to the point where you have to explain that there isn't a way to make that happen. I know it's horrible.

yes, that's exactly. he has told them that its their choice. they are saying that they are not having that conversation with him, that I am the parent and that I have to do it.

this isn't horrible, its much worse.

Its affecting my health.

soon I wont be in a fit state to look after myself. the future looks nasty if I cant get this sorted. if I cant work, I can wave goodbye to my house, then what? is my health worth this? a teenage girl threating my health and wellbeing while another parent stands by idle?

It's down to that or care though isn't it ultimately so surely your DD is better off with you if you can get her some support? Your obviously both having a terrible time and it should not be this difficult with a 15 yo. Are school being any use?

Jesus fucking Christ OP.

My ex left me alone when I was pregnant. He’s never even met DS. I had 2 older DC from previous relationship.

I understand your anger towards him, I really do. But you’re coming at this all wrong.

Your girls are teenagers. They are reacting to their Dad being a complete cunt and wanting nothing to do them. They need counselling, ASAP. You need to STOP all this, now. You seem very resentful of your girls and I feel fucking sorry for them, having this on top of an absent Dad.

They need reassurance, stability and routine. If he only wants one weekend a month, then so be it. Make it the first weekend of the month, or the last, just make it consistent. You can’t force him to have them more. Other than that, don’t engage with the arsehole.

Get a grip on your life.

no the school isn't. And I am no use to my dd's if I cannot function. if I contact school and tell them that cant cope and they cant come home for a while as my mental health is now seriously compromised. then they will have to go to their dad. if he refuses then its local authority care.

if I'm the only one doing this and it breaks me - what good am I?

my kids are just killing each other - its destroying me and my partner too.

things have gone too far

OP I can assure you that SS will not take your kids just because you feel you can’t cope They’re slammed with kids who are, you know, being abused and/or neglected. But there are plenty of other options.

CAHMS. Pastoral care at school. Early Help via SS which covers a range of things. All very easy to find online.

You just seem determined to foist your girls off on your ex to piss him off if I’m being honest.

Ok I think you have to leave your partner to one side for now. He/she should be able to help you but clearly isn't so that's that for now.

What is so bad about the girls. Obviously getting the police involved is a big deal so something is seriously wrong. Is it violence?

Sillybilly you need to tell your daughters that they are old enough to maintain their relationship with their father and that you have to take a step back from it all. You cannot keep on with this madness, they need to start fending for themselves in some ways soon so it may as well be now. In a years time your girls will be 16 and 17... will you still be expecting your EH to have them overnight??
Your girls are old enough to call in and see their father when it suits them and him, not for you to have a break.

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho - if I don't look after my health who is going to?

yes violence

bigknickersbigknockers - I wish you were n my home when these things happen. its violent and horrible. my partner cannot cope and I'm left not able to function - I need my EH to step up...

What exactly are your health issues? I have ASD, anxiety, depression... Medicated up to my eyeballs. I’m a full time University student. 3DC. One has ASD and is violent with it.

Are you on medication? Are you seeing a counsellor?

There are plenty of things you can do before you boot your girls out.

Jesus fucking wept.

I need my EH to step up...

That will not happen. He has shown that. He won't do anything voluntarily and neither the Court nor the Local Authority can or will make him.

So your DDs need to start acting their age- with whatever help they need to get there.

My da has just turned 16 and pretty much makes his own arrangements with his dad now.
We've been separated since ds was 2 and obviously it was down to me then to facilitate access and he's let de down many many times over the years but has thankfully grew up! In recent years and they have a pretty good relationship and he's now married with another ds.

Ds has never like staying with his dad overnight and I told him that when he was 13 he could make that decision for himself, around the same time he would be choosing his options. I figured he is a sensible boy and knows his own mind.
He asked from around age 10 and I kept to my word and when he was 13 he made the decision not to stay over anymore.

Your girls are more than capable of arranging to see their dad. The way they're spoken about sometimes suggests they're little girls.
I have a good relationship with ex now and he still phones me to discuss things such as holidays/ birthdays/maintenance etc but on the whole I don't interfere with their access arrangements.
Op you are making yourself sick. Take a step back and let the girls take the lead here. They are old enough to take responsibility for this. Take care

Why won't you tell your dc they have to talk to their dad to make arrangements?

If your exh was hit by a truck tonight and out of the picture for good, what would you do , to look after yourself and your kids? What ever that would be, do that.

Because you can't make a person do the right thing
Not by law, or guilting, or pleading, or threatening, or black mailing, or crying, or anything else you might think of.
You owe it to yourself, and your DDs , to recognize your situation for what it is.

You are effectively a sole parent, so you need to act like it.

OP I’m totally on your side and have been in the same boat but please just be very careful of your motives.
If you are pushing for him to have this access that he doesn’t want because it’s affecting your relationship with your partner or because your DDs behavior is bad or because you don’t want him to “win” then it’s never going to work.

They are old enough to make their own arrangements but you say yourself you were happier having them around when they were younger and you had both just split, you have to make sure you’re not just suiting your own circumstances.

I’d say prioritize getting DDs help for their behavior over fighting ex.
Enjoy your relationship outside the home, on dates etc.

It’s horrible as a teen to feel like both parents are fighting not to have you.

I’m tired and unwell.

I can’t cope with the constant fighting

So neither parent really wants these poor girls?

What kind of fighting are you talking about?

Of course I want my children. It they are tearing each other apart fighting. I’m a referee constantly. There’s never quiet in the house. My daughter is violent and aggressive towards me. Then bullying me. I have to call the police.

That’s no way to life fir anyone.

When will it stop?? When I’ve taken my own life?? I’ve tried that!! Only very recently

OP I’ve mentioned several avenues for help and you’ve ignored me. What are you actually doing to make this better? Step the fuck up and parent your girls. CAHMS. Counselling. Pastoral support at school. GP.

Get lost

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho The expert! None of that stuff helps when you are on your knees begging and pleading does it!!!!!!

Procrastination

OP clearly isn’t going to listen to us. She just wants us to tell her it’s okay to dump her kids at her ex’s. Won’t answer any questions and ignores all suggestions of avenues for help.