Ex Husband and New Wfe

[SillyBillyMeClarkie]

Hi everyone, in desperation I find myself here. before I start my story, please can I ask that you don't berate me, im just looking for someone to tell me Im not bonkers! nor being taken advantage of at the risk of my children.

my exhub and I split up in 2015. things were relatively amicable. our girls stayed with me in the main, as I found it helpful to have them around me, and also because he moved in with his gf who he had been seeing for some time (found this out after). anyway the girls (then 12 and 13 ish) would go their dads once a week and then I upped it to everyother weekend. id started seeing someone (lasted about 8 months) but things didn't work out. my girls didn't enjoy spending time at their dads as his gf didn't make them feel welcome but they percervered as they love their dad.

so fast forward to now, I have a new partner my ex has married the gf. we have lived together for 18 months now, but y ex has become very bitter. we did have an informal financial agreement, but he cut that as soon as I started dating.

he then started cancelling the weekends with his daughters, which began to cause them such upset. he then refused mediation which upset everyone.

my ex was having overnight care every weekend, but this was getting in the way of his life, so he DEMANDED a change to every other weekend and a couple of nights which I gave into. I had a visit from his wife at the time, screaming and shouting the odds about when she is prepared to have HIS kids in her house!

so I relented and agreed to their rota. this was some 6 months agp, and the rota has been working well, up until now that is when he has taken to leaving me shitty voicemails, telling me not to send his kids to him. ive now received a solicitors letter setting out when he is prepared to look after his children.

I am at my wits end, for some reason he is failing to understand that his children need him and he needs them. his wife is playing mind games saying that his children smell, and that she can even smell their periods. she is doing all she can to derail their relationship.

we have no court arrangement, and he refused mediation. he played up about money so u had to make a cms claim. he refuses to pay even a penny more.

we have a shared care arrangement, which he is now trying to wriggle out of, I know there is no way I can make him see his kids, and you will hate me for saying this, but the same applies for me.

if I allow this behaviour to continue men like this will take advantage of women like me. he made these children with me, I didn't say id have childen on the understanding he'd always be there for them, I presumed that would be the case like many other women in my situation.

both mothers and fathers have a responsibility to their children... right? kids need both of their parents...right? how is his fancy free life with his pensioner wife be more superior to his children's welfare?

I know the solicitors letter isn't worth the paper its written on, but it has shook me never the less....

Just wondering hypothetically what would happen legally.

The care system.

This is why the law needs to be changed. Absent parents blackmail the other parent with the live they have fir their children.

It’s simply disgusting.

Imagine if all the parents from broken families did what these absent parents do? Where would society be?

Ppl have said here that I don’t want my children. Yet I have supported my children without question. But I’m not a man. I’m not a father. My girls want their father. His wife doesn’t want them so the influence is negative.... it’s a situation that can’t be resolved while the mindset of the absent parent is selfish

Wait, stop, did anyone else notice the comment; 'his wife says they smell, she can smell their periods'
This woman is batshit, who says that? Does their dad know she's said these things?

What exactly would you like the law to be OP?

Yes he does

It should be that you cannot relinquish your responsibility towards your children and at that all parents have an obligation to provide no less care than the other parent. The care and overall support and responsibly should be equal. There shouldn’t be an off the hook. There shouldn’t be.

You can’t make him spend time with the girls for much longer. You know that.

I understand that you want downtime with your new partner but honestly, sending them off to feel unwanted and in the way, just so he “doesn’t get away with it” just so you don’t have to give in to him...that’s really not fair on them.

You can’t change his behaviour, only your own.

And surely they’re old enough not to have all this EOW stuff?

I understand your point. However he had these children did he not??

You need to get the resentment out your mind, your ex is an arsehole as is his wife. Why would you want your girls anywhere near them? They are 15/16 not little kids, just let it go, he knows where they are if he wants to see them and them him. Move on, get on with life, he's not important. Stop trying to force a relationship that he doesn't want, much as it may hurt your girls, they'll see him for the selfish dick he is.

What is unfair is growing up without your dads help in being raised. In years to come he will want them and they might turn their backs.

There is no easy answer to this

So you want the law to force children to live with people who don't want them. Do you realise the damage that would cause? How could you want that for your own children?

Thank you. I really appreciate your support. I honestly thought I was going bonkers. It’s jusf so wrong. When his wife isn’t around they three have great times. She is the key to the bitterness

I’m sure you’d understand that it’s not that straightforward

I need to sleep. My head hurts so bad.

Thank you to you all for being supportive.

All the very best

You’re angry. I get it. I would be too. But I wouldn’t be sending my children anywhere they weren’t wanted.

I’d get a formal arrangement in place for finances and contact, and move on.

If you force people like him to be involved with their children, you just fuck up the children.

Yes he had them but you have zero control over him. You can continue to try and force this, or you can do right by the girls and provide them with support as and when they need it.

It’s not your problem if he wants them in years to come and they turn their backs. Why do you care?

It’s not a criticism when I say that this seems more about you wanting a break from them for a few days. But if you and he were still together, or if your new partner was their dad, you wouldn’t have a break!

You are their home. You are their parent. It’s shit but it is what it is.

OP understandably you're letting your dislike for your ex and his wife cloud your judgement. Many posters have asked you why you want your children to be with someone so toxic, but all you keep going on about is shared responsibility, not what's best for your DC. They are old enough to forge or walk away from a relationship with their Dad. Talk to them, make a plan together.

I know where you're coming from, but ultimately when you choose to marry someone you know it might not be forever, so what you choose to do within marriage may not last forever I.e. equal parenting, the house you buy together remaining yours etc. A law to make people share equal responsibility would never work, as there are so many situations where equal custody is not in the best interests of the children.

And allowing a man to walk away from his responsibility is the right thing to do?

“Allowing” has naff all to do with it because it’s not up to you!

Thank you

You can't stop him. You can't tie him to the table leg at home and send the girls over.

You could keep sending them other. Maybe he would be there. Maybe he wouldn't be. So they just wait outside? He could give them a key and they could chill out home alone. Or in the garden if the wife is there and wont let them in. Or with her whilst she makes snide comments.

Actually plenty of people do choose to take on less responsibility because their partners waltz off. The result is the children are removed from the home, though.

There is no practical way you can make people parent well. As is, again, demonstrated by the fact we have SS take kids into care. Even with a lot of support some people can't and won't. And someone else has to take up the slack. The other parent. Other family. Or the local authority.

Your situation is shitty but no one can force him to be a decent bloke. And they will all too soon understand exactly What sort of person he is. As so many teens and adults understand who had shit parent(s).

There is nothing to gain for your kids from you resisting his desire to reduce contact. There's barely anything for you either as fortunately they are old enough to be left alone at home for pretty long periods too. It's a matter of principle but it's entirely impracticable to do anything about it.

And allowing a man to walk away from his responsibility is the right thing to do?

I’d rather parent alone that have all that hassle just to make a point.

My mum once said to me that you shouldn’t have children unless you’re willing to accept ALL responsibility for them.

I didn’t understand what she meant when I was younger but now I know: you can be left alone at a moment’s notice - death, incapacitation, affairs - your children still need to be looked after.

You had them. You had them with a shitty bloke. Deal with the upset and bitterness and move on. You’ll all be better for it.

I feel it’s a flagrant abuse of my love for my children. He thinks it’s ok to behave this way because he knows I won’t let my children down.

I know