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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Called his bluff -I feel like a terrible person

222 replies

Meadow1203 · 26/02/2019 13:21

I hope you guys can help me make sense of this. So my p and I have been together for 3 years, we are in our 50's. It has always been a challenging relationship, troubles with his anger, terrible rages in the past. Things had calmed down over the last year and I hoped we were working towards the same goals. However things have become increasingly difficult over the past few weeks and finally came to head last night. The tiff started in the morning I am feeling very stressed due to money worries, serious family issues, health, trying to sell me house you name it. I was trying to work ( I work from home) and yes I was being a bit curt and wanted some space. Sadly my P will sees this as a rejection and all about him, it was not. He ended up screaming in my face slamming his fist on my desk, called me stupid bitch.He will often things like "unless you are prepared to behave or change then our relationship is over". Cue me not wanting to talk to him all day. To cut a long story short, in the evening I told him I had enough and I called his bluff. I am not a fruit cake and do not need to change and said we should end things. It did not go well, he managed to grab my phone and reading my messages out loud in a mocking voice, messages between the father of my son. He is insanely jealous, the messages we mainly about our son and general chit chat, we have been separated 5 years and good mates I am sorry to say that after repeatedly asking for the phone I finally saw red and tried to wrestle the it from him. He is now saying I attacked him, which I kind of did. For the record he is 6 4 and about 18 stone and he could bat me off like a fly. I just wish he could see how controlling and scary he can be. This feels so toxic. I have asked for my keys back and he has refused and asked me to be out of the house later when he removes his things. I have refused and asked my grown up DS to be here. This is my family house. He making me feel terrible as he has no money or anywhere to go. I asked him if we could be civilised but he is not interested. I am not looking forward to later. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2019 13:24

Thoughts? Pack up his stuff, throw it out of the door when your DS is there to keep you safe, change the locks immediately.

Next time you’re in a relationship, don’t hang around when someone displays rage issues, jealousy or violence. Not for three years, a year, or a day.

wishywashy6 · 26/02/2019 13:25

Thoughts are it sounds like a shit relationship that you'd be better off out of.

frazzledasarock · 26/02/2019 13:28

My thoughts, would you encourage a daughter or friend of your to stay in a relationship like yours?

Pack his stuff up leave it by the door, hand it to him when he turns up, don’t let him go thro the house. Change the locks.

Then take time out and think why on earth you’d put up with so much shit from someone who is clearly very abusive?

mooncuplanding · 26/02/2019 13:29

Thoughts are you need to get him out of your house immediately

Bananalanacake · 26/02/2019 13:29

why doesn't he have any money, how does he pay towards the food and bills.

Drum2018 · 26/02/2019 13:29

Have his stuff packed and at the door when he gets back. Have the locks changed on all outside doors asap. Make sure your adult Ds stays with you until this prick is well and truly out of your house. Where he goes is none of your concern. And don't be fobbed off if he comes back all apologies or wanting to try again. It won't work. You have your chance to be free of him and his anger now, so grab it!

Daffodil2018 · 26/02/2019 13:30

You have absolutely done the right thing by ending it and I agree it would be wise to have someone else there when he moves his stuff out. Definitely change the locks!

calsovip · 26/02/2019 13:30

Pack up his stuff, throw it out of the door when your DS is there to keep you safe, change the locks immediately.

This exactly. You deserve better than that, OP. Stay safe.

crosspelican · 26/02/2019 13:31

Thoughts? Well done. You are doing the right thing, and you know it. You don't have to feel guilty about his financial situation - if he had any cop on, he would not have spend the last 3 years inflicting his anger and rage issues on the person upon whom his accommodation depends, frankly.

He is learning the rather basic lesson that if you are a cunt to people, you lose out. Odd that it should have taken him until his 50's to learn this, but there you go.

Onwards and upwards, Meadow!

You're right to supervise his departure though, esp. with your son. Can you pack his stuff up and have it all ready for him to go faster?

Missnm1 · 26/02/2019 13:33

My advice would be to be gone for the period of time he gathers his things. Why? Because 1. You should not be involving your son (grown up or not) in this. He should not be part of your domestics and 2. Because this will be undoubtedly another row and will cause tension. And nobody involved really needs that. It also further highlights the fact that you really are over (if you are not there) and he will be shocked if your gone. Let him leave you are not his mother, he needs to stand on his own two feet. He will not go homeless. Cut contact, stand firm and maybe things will change. It sounds extremely toxic and unhealthy. And if you were my mother/sister/friend I would be strongly advising you end things. And if I’m honest and I really hope you are not offended, you both sound as bad as each other, this in turn leads me to believe you don not being out the best in one another. Better/more suited is out there for you both. That’s just my opinion, not knowing you and going by what I read.

Ribbonsonabox · 26/02/2019 13:35

He sounds like an utter bellend and you are well rid...
Congratulations on the beginning of the rest of your life without this maniac.
Flowers

SpanielEars070 · 26/02/2019 13:40

I would ask a friend or relative to be in the house while he packs his things, and keep well out of the way yourself otherwise it will just end up being really confrontational. He's going to be angry and hurt, but you need to have someone there to make sure he goes.

And change the locks as soon as he's gone, so you feel safe. It's simple enough to change a barrel lock.

You both sound very unsuited to each other, and it's time to move on with your lives. No one needs to live with all that anger and drama going on Flowers

frazzledasarock · 26/02/2019 13:40

I would not let him wander around the house alone he could cause damage or steal things of value.

Pack his things up, make sure someone is with you when he turns up and hand his bags to him at the door, or put them outside as soon as he comes up to the house. Change the locks ASAP

You’re not as bad as eachother, but you need to get out of this relationship and ask yourself why you’d put up with so much crap.

timeisnotaline · 26/02/2019 13:43

Nothing wrong with involving a grown up son as support for his mum. Do you think the son would really rather be kept in the dark while op stood there shaking? Or op should let this guy with anger issues have the run of her house knowing the relationship is over because she is too scared to be there and wants to keep her adult son out?
Clearly the right decision op, stick to it.

7yo7yo · 26/02/2019 13:46

Pack his things up and put them by the front door.
Ask your son to film everything.
Anything of value show him and give it to him on camera.
Ask him if there’s anything else, have it decided when and where he can collect him.
Advise him clearly he is not to contact you in any way shape or form.
Change your locks.

RhymingRabbit · 26/02/2019 13:54

If the house belongs to you change the locks.
Text him and ask him where he would like his belongings. Do not let him back into the house.

MadAboutWands · 26/02/2019 13:55

Why feeling terrible? He burnt the bridges well and truly. His fault.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/02/2019 13:56

CHange your locks, all of them. Add ones to any gates.

Get a male friend/family member to be with you and tell hime, in email/text etc, that he is welcome to collect his belongings between the hours of X and Y after which time you will bag them up and leave them in safe place Z.

Take pictures, have witnesses to the careful packing!

Alternatuively just throw everything he has into the road and have done with him!

Be grateful it is only 3 years you have allowed him to break you down and try to control you!

Stay strong, good luck!

Orchidflower1 · 26/02/2019 13:57

Locks changed. His bags on drive- you inside don’t engage again with him. Shit curtains and put tv on.

Orchidflower1 · 26/02/2019 13:58

*shut obviously not shit!

LittlePaintBox · 26/02/2019 13:58

I wouldn't leave him on his own in the house - who knows what he's going to 'gather up', or he may have a fit of rage and damage your property.

I'd get the locks changed and make sure he can't access any of your money through joint accounts etc.

I'm not sure why you think you're a terrible person for saying 'OK, then!' when he tried to bully you by threatening to leave, but you're not.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/02/2019 14:00

I have asked for my keys back and he has refused

Fuck that, get the locks changed, get his stuff bagged up and get him out.

He's HORRBLE.

Yes, get DS to come over, but leave his stuff outside. Do not trust him in your house.

You are totally and utterly doing the right thing. What an abusive wanker.

IM0GEN · 26/02/2019 14:02

Do what Annelovesgilbert says.

You MUST change the locks, he’s had plenty warning to get copies.

Do not let him he in the house alone .

Do you have any joint bank accounts, debts, credit cards etc ? Is he on any Utility bill?

Notify council he has left , for council tax .

If he is agressive or violent when he comes to collect his things , call the police on 999.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/02/2019 14:03

Get him gone and please raise your bar for your next relationship.
You would really benefit from doing the Womens Aid, Freedom Programme.
How you have got to 50 and still put up with this kind of shite from a 'man' is totally beyond me.
Now is your chance to end this and be rid of him.
Get your boundaries sorted out.
Be single for a while and learn your worth!

whitehorsesdonotlie · 26/02/2019 14:03

What AnnelovesGilbert said.

You are better off without him.

A challenging relationship, troubles with his anger, terrible rages in the past. He ended up screaming in my face slamming his fist on my desk, called me stupid bitch. He is insanely jealous

Life's too short. Dump all his things outside the door and change the locks. Block him.