Called his bluff -I feel like a terrible person

[Meadow1203]

I hope you guys can help me make sense of this. So my p and I have been together for 3 years, we are in our 50's. It has always been a challenging relationship, troubles with his anger, terrible rages in the past. Things had calmed down over the last year and I hoped we were working towards the same goals. However things have become increasingly difficult over the past few weeks and finally came to head last night. The tiff started in the morning I am feeling very stressed due to money worries, serious family issues, health, trying to sell me house you name it. I was trying to work ( I work from home) and yes I was being a bit curt and wanted some space. Sadly my P will sees this as a rejection and all about him, it was not. He ended up screaming in my face slamming his fist on my desk, called me stupid bitch.He will often things like "unless you are prepared to behave or change then our relationship is over". Cue me not wanting to talk to him all day. To cut a long story short, in the evening I told him I had enough and I called his bluff. I am not a fruit cake and do not need to change and said we should end things. It did not go well, he managed to grab my phone and reading my messages out loud in a mocking voice, messages between the father of my son. He is insanely jealous, the messages we mainly about our son and general chit chat, we have been separated 5 years and good mates I am sorry to say that after repeatedly asking for the phone I finally saw red and tried to wrestle the it from him. He is now saying I attacked him, which I kind of did. For the record he is 6 4 and about 18 stone and he could bat me off like a fly. I just wish he could see how controlling and scary he can be. This feels so toxic. I have asked for my keys back and he has refused and asked me to be out of the house later when he removes his things. I have refused and asked my grown up DS to be here. This is my family house. He making me feel terrible as he has no money or anywhere to go. I asked him if we could be civilised but he is not interested. I am not looking forward to later. Any thoughts?

Him having no money or anywhere to go is not your responsibility. Presumably he had money and somewhere to go before you got together. If he has no friends who he can sofa surf with for a few weeks then I wonder why that is. Why has he no money?If he isn't working then who has been supporting him? If the answer is you then all the more reason to get rid.

As others have said. Pack up all his belongings you can find, put them by the front door so when he comes you can hand them to him. Don't ask for the keys, getting the locks changed is more secure. Tell him that if any items are missing he must write to you within two weeks and tell you what they are. Anything you find after that will be disposed of.

Do not leave him in your house alone! If you think he is likely to try to beg his way back, make sure his belongings are outside waiting for him. Change your locks as a matter of urgency!

thoughts,

get your ds and a locksmith round.
Bag all his stuff and put it by the door
Tell him he has until the locksmith has finished changing the locks to remove all of his stuff, otherwise it will be out on the path for him.

Do not leave the house, he will change the locks. Don't let him go round on his own, he will take stuff.

Why have you put up with a violent, angry, unpleasant man for 3 years?

Another call to change the locks, pack his stuff and tell him it’s on the doorstep for him to collect. Have some other people there as support and let him know you aren’t going to be seeing him again.

I’m sure this isn’t his first attempt at controlling you. Don’t let him go any further with it.

Timeisnotaline- from experience yes I don’t think it’s right invloving her son or the lady herself being there in fact in such situations. I’ve said it how I read it. Now reading the other comments I feel like I have read this man and post all wrong. Should she feel unsafe!!!! That’s a whole different story however her ‘attacking’ him and him mocking her while reading texts to me portrays a toxic relationship nothing more. Again I could be way off the mark and if I am I apologise. The other posts, having read them I agree, you should pack up all his belonging and leave them at the door. Change the locks and move on. I still believe you shouldn’t be at home when he is due to arrive. Have his belongings outside. Phone the police if necessary. I have clearly read the OP incorrectly and for that I apologise but I stand by what I originally said which was don’t involve your son in the situation you described ie having him there when a man is packing his belongings to leave. Which will in my opinion turn nasty because a son loves his mother. Have your son comfort you in his own home without this man anywhere near.

Regardless of whether he gives you the keys back, you'll have to change the locks as he's probably copied them. He sounds vindictive, so I wouldn't see him without someone else there too.

Well done. He's the terrible person.

Nothing wrong with involving a grown up son as support for his mum. Do you think the son would really rather be kept in the dark while op stood there shaking?

My thoughts exactly

Break out the binbags, fill them with his stuff and that will cut down on the time he needs to be there.

Don't go for a 'challenging' relationship next time!

fannycraddock72 You picked me up wrong I don’t think she should keep him in the dark while she’s stood there shaking. That’s very passive aggressive by the way. From my own experience I don’t believe she should involve her son in THAT situation. Definitely keep him in the loop with what’s happening obviously. But maybe don’t have them both in the same place at such a highly sensitive time for everyone involved. It could end up with police being called and violence. A son should definitely comfort and look after his mother. But not in that way it never ends well. It’s confrontational

My thoughts?

1. Change the locks. Now. Immediately.
2. Put all of his stuff outside, and don't let him in. Call the police if he causes trouble.
3. Hang up some bunting.
4. Shout "Yippee!!!" and throw a party to celebrate getting rid of the obnoxious twat.

I would get the locks changed now whilst packing his bags.

Make sure you have visible evidence ( photos/video ) that his belongings weren't damaged while packing.

When he comes to collect have them all by the front door so he doesn't need to step inside ever again.

If he starts saying he needs to check everything is there then just say take your stuff look through it and then let me know what's been forgotten.

"I have asked for my keys back and he has refused and asked me to be out of the house later when he removes his things."
DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE IN YOUR HOUSE, HE INTENDS TO TRASH IT! You have said you have asked your grown-up son to be there, frankly I would ask several others if they could be there too, preferably biggish blokes. Family, friends, neighbours. He is less likely to kick off if there are several witnesses, and less likely to attack your son if he sees he'll be overpowered if he tries.

"I just wish he could see how controlling and scary he can be."
He NEVER will - accept this, stop thinking if only you could explain it better , blah blah blah. He will never see it. He is incapable of seeing it. Accept this and stop torturing yourself with the fantasy that he could ever be different. He can't and he won't.

"He making me feel terrible as he has no money or anywhere to go."
Of course he is - he's still trying to control you. If he has no money, that's his problem, not yours. If he has nowhere to go, that's his problem, not yours. And he doesn't get to make these problems yours either. Absolutely do NOT be guilted into giving him any money, not even a tenner for a taxi. Do not feel you have to find him somewhere to go, he's an adult who can find somewhere himself. His problems. His, his, his.

"It has always been a challenging relationship, troubles with his anger, terrible rages in the past."
Now what I want to ask you is - and you don't have to answer me, just work out to yourself if you'd prefer - why do you think you didn't bin him as soon as this started? What is there in your personality that prioritised what this angry raging man wanted, over your own needs and happiness? I do not ask this to have a go at you. I want you to protect yourself in the future, from this man and any other like him; and I think you've got a better chance of doing that if you are aware of how he snuck under your radar. Are you a protective person who thinks they have to take care of the world? How did he get to you?

"I am sorry to say that after repeatedly asking for the phone I finally saw red and tried to wrestle the it from him. He is now saying I attacked him, which I kind of did. For the record he is 6 4 and about 18 stone and he could bat me off like a fly."
"I have asked for my keys back and he has refused"

OP, I think it's no harm to give the police a call and explain what's going on in case he kicks off this evening. I'd also be concerned about him saying you attacked him, another reason to inform the police about the situation.

Change the locks, make sure you have someone there this evening (ideally don't let him in, certainly don't engage with him, he's likely to do the poor me act and try to get you to change his mind, then he could lose the plot altogether).
Enjoy the rest of your new life without this nasty vindictive self centred man. I predict a huge improvement.

Fuck him. So what if he ends up out on his arse. It's his own doing.

Pack his stuff, leave it on the doorstep. Tell him what time it's to be collected and then go out with your DS. What an arsehole.

Yep agree with every one else. Pack his shit up and change the locks. You are well rid of this abusive twat.

Actually agree with Missnm1.
If you feel unsafe, pack all his things and leave them outside for him to collect. Change the locks. If that isn’t an option, call the non emergency police line and ask if they can send someone to be there while he packs his things. I have, unfortunately, had to do this is the past as ex dp refused to leave my house and was threatening me.
Having your son there, even if it is just to watch out for you, may cause more problems than it’s worth. If he gets aggressive with you, your son is hardly going to stand by and let him carry on. He could get aggressive with your son.
Probably best all around to have your son nearby for moral support, but not actually in the house.

My thoughts?

Thank fuck for that!!

Abused him 🙄. Don’t make me laugh. He’s an abusive, manipulative wanker.

It’s taken you a while to get there, but you have. Be proud of yourself and look forward to your future 🌷.

Yes, it’ll be hard because you will remember the good bits and wonder if it was ‘that bad’ & you’ll wonder if you’ve done the right thing, but stay strong because you HAVE!! He’s not at all worthy of you. Not one bit!!

Oh, and I missed out - like others have suggested, pack his stuff up and leave it outside, change the locks before he comes to your home. I'd still have people there to put him off his intended plan of trashing your home.

I deal with property as part of my job. If you live in a city or decent sized town then a locksmith will drive to your house and cheerfully change any locks you point him at, for a very reasonable fee (unless London in which case probably a bit more pricy).

Such a small price to pay to get shot of this ghastly man.

Thoughts are much the same as everyone else's:

Change locks
Pack his stuff up today
Have your son - and other support if possible- there when ex-partner collects stuff
Refuse to give in when he promises things will change.

Your life is about to get a lot less stressful without him in it.

Thoughts?

Pack his shit and change the locks

Nothing to add to the pack up his stuff for him and change the locks consensus. No you are not a bad person, but he sounds dreadful.

You are a lovely person he's a prick. Get him out and begin your life anew.

You did not attack him. You tried to reclaim your phone which he had stolen from you and refused to give back.

You have done the right thing. Now just keep yourself safe following all the good advice on this thread.

Thank god you found out now and "only" lost 3 years to him; another 3 and he could be after the house etc. You have no choice but to get the locksmith in. How old is your son is he going to be ok with this or do you need other adults, some female friends perhaps, to witness it all - I can imagine if he doesn't respect you he's not going to give a toss about your son either.