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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Called his bluff -I feel like a terrible person

222 replies

Meadow1203 · 26/02/2019 13:21

I hope you guys can help me make sense of this. So my p and I have been together for 3 years, we are in our 50's. It has always been a challenging relationship, troubles with his anger, terrible rages in the past. Things had calmed down over the last year and I hoped we were working towards the same goals. However things have become increasingly difficult over the past few weeks and finally came to head last night. The tiff started in the morning I am feeling very stressed due to money worries, serious family issues, health, trying to sell me house you name it. I was trying to work ( I work from home) and yes I was being a bit curt and wanted some space. Sadly my P will sees this as a rejection and all about him, it was not. He ended up screaming in my face slamming his fist on my desk, called me stupid bitch.He will often things like "unless you are prepared to behave or change then our relationship is over". Cue me not wanting to talk to him all day. To cut a long story short, in the evening I told him I had enough and I called his bluff. I am not a fruit cake and do not need to change and said we should end things. It did not go well, he managed to grab my phone and reading my messages out loud in a mocking voice, messages between the father of my son. He is insanely jealous, the messages we mainly about our son and general chit chat, we have been separated 5 years and good mates I am sorry to say that after repeatedly asking for the phone I finally saw red and tried to wrestle the it from him. He is now saying I attacked him, which I kind of did. For the record he is 6 4 and about 18 stone and he could bat me off like a fly. I just wish he could see how controlling and scary he can be. This feels so toxic. I have asked for my keys back and he has refused and asked me to be out of the house later when he removes his things. I have refused and asked my grown up DS to be here. This is my family house. He making me feel terrible as he has no money or anywhere to go. I asked him if we could be civilised but he is not interested. I am not looking forward to later. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 27/02/2019 07:05

Change the locks. Change your number. Be vigilant. Ime this type of man with his history won’t take well to losing his home and relationship. Be careful but really well done for getting rid.

trulybadlydeeply · 27/02/2019 07:51

Well done OP. Echoing everyone else though, please please change the locks if you haven't already done so. I can assure you that he WILL have had copies made.

Fazackerley · 27/02/2019 07:54

Why the fuck would you stay with someone like this?? Kick him out, celebrate, then book counselling to try and work out why you think you deserve an aggressive, jealous, stupid bloke in your life.

keepforgettingmyusername · 27/02/2019 08:12

Oh god thats so scary. Please never take him back

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2019 08:51

You're not foolish. You've seen the light and booted the bastard out.

Well done - onwards and upwards (but please do change the locks just in case). Flowers

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 27/02/2019 09:42

I have not changed to locks as no point, as he has said if he wants to get in then he will. He still has lots of tools in my garage to he will be back to collect them. I did ask him if he could let me know when that would be when he was leaving but refused to answer me, so for now will try to rally company. Sadly he will see himself as the injured party and that will fuel his rage. When he is angry it gives him free range to do and say what he likes. He is know to the police already, I really hope for his children's sake that he does not do something stupid. Faza uh, I am not, I have and I have no need to read a book to realise I have been a fool, allowing myself to treated this way.

OP posts:
nowshesaturtle · 27/02/2019 10:01

Meadow1203 I am sorry but you SHOULD change the locks. Breaking in is far more serious than letting himself in.

Also don't invalidate your insurance

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 27/02/2019 10:06

OK you might have a point the now I did not think about that, don't think I am thinking straight today.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 27/02/2019 10:12

Why wouldn't you pay £15 for personal safety? Do you want to trust him??

nowshesaturtle · 27/02/2019 10:14

Happy to have helped, Meadow. Look after yourself and well done

peekyboo · 27/02/2019 10:14

The police would tell you to change them, so would the insurance company, your adult don probably told you to change them, any woman who I had ever lived with an abusive man would tell you to change them.

peekyboo · 27/02/2019 10:14

*son!

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 27/02/2019 10:14

No it is that I am in the middle of nowhere and do not have a car atm. Simply that.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 27/02/2019 10:16

Amazon is your friend. Or ask someone to collect and bring one over. The sooner the better, especially if he still has tools at yours.

TheFaerieQueene · 27/02/2019 10:20

Don’t feel any compassion for this individual- he has threatened to break into your property. I would log the threat with the police.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/02/2019 10:24

It’s understandable you’re not thinking straight 🌷

Can DS or a roster of friends stay over for a while. I’d be surprised if this is the last you hear from him.

My local police station are great, they’d definitely take note and be around very quickly if I called them after I’d told them. But I know I’m in the minority with that. I’d still inform them anyways, especially as he’s ‘known’. You need to stop protecting him or his kids & think of your safety.

It’s relatively easy to change your lock barrels yourself, but if you can afford it just call a locksmith.

Get someone to pick up his tools etc then tell him where they are and he can collect them from there. The police might be happy to look after them at the station for you.

I’m not going to sugar coat it. You were foolish not to listen to multiple warnings about him. You need to think about WHY you did that, so you don’t do similar again in the future.

...and for the love of little fish, resolve right now not to take him back no matter what he promises.

You’ve done well, stay strong 🌷

Happynow001 · 27/02/2019 10:26

Perhaps you can get CCTV/"Ring" doorbell installed OP- especially if you live in the middle of nowhere? I mean AS WELL AS changing all your locks - including a) the garage doors and b) interconnecting door from garage to house if you have these. Put bolts on the inside of your front door also. This is a priority ahead of anything else at the moment.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/02/2019 10:27

Middle of nowhere?

You really shouldn’t be there alone. Don’t underestimate him. Ask DS or friends to come and stay. Please. It’s really not safe being there on your own having pissed this bloke off.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/02/2019 10:28

Obviously as well as getting the other security sorted.

Redwinestillfine · 27/02/2019 10:32

Change the locks. It's a small price to pay for peace of mind. Also report what he said about getting in if he wants to to the police along with a statement about his behaviour slamming his fist on the desk etc. Just so it's on record.

FyiYolo · 27/02/2019 10:38

Leave your keys in the locks until they are changed, at least then he can't get in when you are home. Xx

Omzlas · 27/02/2019 10:43

Really glad about the update OP, well done. Stay strong and please believe that you are not foolish

Also echo what PP said about changing the locks ASAP, and update your insurance company to tell them that only you live there now

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 27/02/2019 10:53

Thanks everyone. DS1 has moved back in for now and doing what I can to keep safe. I feel sick with anxiety but sure it will get better. Despite what he has done I wish him no malice and hope he will feel the same. We shared a dream which will not happen now, he has proved that he cannot be trusted. I should have listened to my head not my heart.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2019 11:20

Very glad to hear DS1 has mood back in for now.

The anxiety will lessen and you will start to feel better. In fact, I would imagine this starts happening quite quickly now that you're not living in an atmosphere of aggression and verbal abuse.

Be kind to yourself. Plan some nice outings with DS1. Can you catch up with some friends? Redcorate a room or buy some new soft furnishings? Reclaim the house as your space and your sanctuary.

IM0GEN · 27/02/2019 11:32

Well done for taking such decisive action. And well done your son for being there for you.

Now prepare yourself, soon your resolve will start to weaken . You will remember the good times you had together. Your body with go into withdrawal from all the cortisol and adrenaline that were generated when you lived with him and had to walk on eggshells for event of triggering his rage. Life will begin to seem boring and flat without him.

You will feel sad for all the hopes and dreams you had for your future. Maybe you thought you could fix him, that he had found true love with you, a woman who really understood him . And now that’s all gone.

This is a natural phase of the process of de toxing from an abusove relationship. Like craving a cigarette once you have quit. You think about the pleasure of opening a new packet and the delicious sensation of that first drag. You don’t think of yourself slowly dying of cancer or struggling to speak after a stroke.

None of this means you have done the wrong thing.

This isn’t the end, it’s the beginning of the end. You will need to do some work on yourself to stay free and then work out why you stayed with him.

Please think about doing the freedoms programme. It’s better if you can attend a group, maybe once you are mobile again ? Sign up now as there’s usually a waiting list.