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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Called his bluff -I feel like a terrible person

222 replies

Meadow1203 · 26/02/2019 13:21

I hope you guys can help me make sense of this. So my p and I have been together for 3 years, we are in our 50's. It has always been a challenging relationship, troubles with his anger, terrible rages in the past. Things had calmed down over the last year and I hoped we were working towards the same goals. However things have become increasingly difficult over the past few weeks and finally came to head last night. The tiff started in the morning I am feeling very stressed due to money worries, serious family issues, health, trying to sell me house you name it. I was trying to work ( I work from home) and yes I was being a bit curt and wanted some space. Sadly my P will sees this as a rejection and all about him, it was not. He ended up screaming in my face slamming his fist on my desk, called me stupid bitch.He will often things like "unless you are prepared to behave or change then our relationship is over". Cue me not wanting to talk to him all day. To cut a long story short, in the evening I told him I had enough and I called his bluff. I am not a fruit cake and do not need to change and said we should end things. It did not go well, he managed to grab my phone and reading my messages out loud in a mocking voice, messages between the father of my son. He is insanely jealous, the messages we mainly about our son and general chit chat, we have been separated 5 years and good mates I am sorry to say that after repeatedly asking for the phone I finally saw red and tried to wrestle the it from him. He is now saying I attacked him, which I kind of did. For the record he is 6 4 and about 18 stone and he could bat me off like a fly. I just wish he could see how controlling and scary he can be. This feels so toxic. I have asked for my keys back and he has refused and asked me to be out of the house later when he removes his things. I have refused and asked my grown up DS to be here. This is my family house. He making me feel terrible as he has no money or anywhere to go. I asked him if we could be civilised but he is not interested. I am not looking forward to later. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Meadow1203 · 28/02/2019 11:30

Thanks, I am feeling very good today. I have confided in a couple of close friends and they offering lots of support. hells EXACTLY that, things were fab when he first came back but slowly he has worn me down. He can be a right charmer but when he turns, just wow. And is never remorseful, as it is always someone fault and drove him to it. I was very badly abused when I was younger when I was in a relationship with a much older man and I vowed I would never be a victim. I made the mistake of telling him this and so has used this against me. I do not feel like a victim, I feel strong and empowered today.I would love to spend 10 minutes in his head. You would think abusers would learn.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 12:09

Considering his past behaviour, I'd be changing all my passwords and as someone said, have my devices scanned for key loggers and spyware.

Enable dual authentication wherever you can. And text notification for banking and credit card usage.
You can always relax security later.

OliviaBenson · 28/02/2019 12:50

The freedom programme could be good for you OP. Stay strong!

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 28/02/2019 14:49

I am taking steps to make things everything secure. I am having a good day. Just need unravel everything and decide what I need to do. Was in the process of selling my house.

OP posts:
user1494670108 · 28/02/2019 15:05

Well done Meadow, stay strong and remember what a basted he actually is

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 15:25

Unless there's a pressing need (job relocation, financial concerns, you absolutely hate the house, etc), I think I'd hold off on the. You've been through a big upheaval already.

Of course, selling and moving would (hopefully) insure that he won't be able to just show up at your new home. And if you already weren't happy with the house......

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 15:25

the = it

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 28/02/2019 15:35

I love my house, have been here for 19 years. there us a financial concern do unless I can placate them then selling may be the only way. Sadly

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 17:13

Well, needs must when the devil drives. I'm sorry you may have to sell a house you love. That would upset me more than 'losing' him.

OliviaBenson · 28/02/2019 17:35

Does your ex have a financial interest in your house op?

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 01/03/2019 10:43

olivia no he has no financial interest in the house thank god.
Had a hideous email from him last night and just reconfirmed that is deranged. Basically, saying that he is the injured party and scared for his life. That when he was arrested last month, that he was allocated a Social worked who advised him that he should leave for his own protection, if it was not so sad it would be laughable . Everyone saying that they can't believe what he has put up with. Anyway words fail me. I thinking that I may have a chat with the police as a precaution.

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 01/03/2019 11:02

Please keep a copy of that email. Not just on your device, store on the cloud or forward to a trusted freind / relative .

Keep everything that he sends you and your replies. Of which I hope there will be none.

Good idea about the police.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 01/03/2019 11:21

Yes good idea Imogen .I have lock smith coming later and going to have a chat with the police.

I had a lovely evening with a good friend and basically told her everything. she has suggested I write it all down and then burn it lol.

I am getting angry with myself for putting up with his rotten behaviour, I should have finished it so many times. I remember for example that last year on yet another occasion he was verbally attacking me and I managed to escape with my car keys but before I could drive away he opened the water hose on me in the car, I was totally drenched and humiliated. To this day he thinks that is funny, FFS.
This time last year he stole my car , tool money out of my account and left in the middle of the night and left the country.

The attack on my son recently was the end.

OP posts:
Daftapath · 01/03/2019 11:27

Definitely wrote it all down, with dates too if you can. So NOT burn it. Keep it safe and email it to yourself. It may be useful evidence if he won't leave you alone. I second calling the non emergency line and having a chat with them.

Out of interest, what was he arrested for?

DishingOutDone · 01/03/2019 11:29

If you are selling anyway OP can you move away?

IM0GEN · 01/03/2019 11:34

I’m glad you told your friend and she was supportive . You need people in RL to tell you it’s not your fault.

Personally I’d write it all down and keep it, for when my resolve weakens and I begin to think “oh wasn’t that bad, there were laps fo good times and I’m not perfect either “. But whatever works for you.

The hose thing is awful, really degrading. As are the thefts.

It’s funny how we mums can pluck up the courage to leave when it affects our kids, even when they are adults. We will explain away so much and doubt ourselves when it’s just us that’s affected.

As an adult, I kept contact with my abusive parents for a lot longer than 3 years until I finally understood that they were abusing my child. Because it was happening in a different than it had with me, I didn’t see it. I still feel awful about that.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 01/03/2019 11:41

He was arrested for attacking my son. My son was provoking him but a grown man of a 6 4 and 18 stone attacking an 18 year old is disgusting. He had no remorse and felt totally justified. Imogen exactly that, I love my son and chose him. All be it that he is being a bit of a git right now.

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 01/03/2019 11:47

Well of course he’s a git, he’s a teenager. Part of the job description Grin

Happynow001 · 01/03/2019 12:19

I agree with making and keeping a record of what has happened in this relationship both past and present. A). in case you're ever tempted into going back to him and B). in case you ever need it legally in the future. Good luck to you OP.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 01/03/2019 13:52

There will no going back. The rose tinted glasses have well and truly fallen off. I have reread his email and it takes my breathe away. He really believes he is a victim. "people are worried about him" what a joke Someone posted a link on here about narcissistic behaviour in relationships, him 100 million 100%. What an eye opener.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/03/2019 14:12

Of course he's playing the victim. People like him can never accept any responsibility for the effects of their own actions! They simply can. not. do. it.

I agree with writing down a factual history (names, dates, events) and keeping it. But if you think it would help, write down an emotional history (events and how they made you feel) and burn that. Or do what BFF and I did. She made a voodoo doll of her exH and we spent a lovely evening drinking wine, making fun of him, and sticking pins in the doll. Then we burnt it in her fireplace. It 'gave a lovely light'.

Felyne · 01/03/2019 14:23

All the strength in the world to you, Meadow1203. I wish you all the best for your future. There is some excellent advice on this thread, I've nothing much to add but I'm just another person rooting for you. Take care.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 01/03/2019 14:30

Voodoo doll lol.*Felyne" thank you, this is such a great place to keep you strong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meadow1203 · 01/03/2019 16:39

Utter bastard, changed an FOF profile and put a horrible pic of me and inserted his details. What a scary loon.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 01/03/2019 16:51

What an idiot. Report it and get the photo removed.

Keep a screenshot and a diary of his behaviour.

Please don’t assume he’s ‘harmless’.