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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Called his bluff -I feel like a terrible person

222 replies

Meadow1203 · 26/02/2019 13:21

I hope you guys can help me make sense of this. So my p and I have been together for 3 years, we are in our 50's. It has always been a challenging relationship, troubles with his anger, terrible rages in the past. Things had calmed down over the last year and I hoped we were working towards the same goals. However things have become increasingly difficult over the past few weeks and finally came to head last night. The tiff started in the morning I am feeling very stressed due to money worries, serious family issues, health, trying to sell me house you name it. I was trying to work ( I work from home) and yes I was being a bit curt and wanted some space. Sadly my P will sees this as a rejection and all about him, it was not. He ended up screaming in my face slamming his fist on my desk, called me stupid bitch.He will often things like "unless you are prepared to behave or change then our relationship is over". Cue me not wanting to talk to him all day. To cut a long story short, in the evening I told him I had enough and I called his bluff. I am not a fruit cake and do not need to change and said we should end things. It did not go well, he managed to grab my phone and reading my messages out loud in a mocking voice, messages between the father of my son. He is insanely jealous, the messages we mainly about our son and general chit chat, we have been separated 5 years and good mates I am sorry to say that after repeatedly asking for the phone I finally saw red and tried to wrestle the it from him. He is now saying I attacked him, which I kind of did. For the record he is 6 4 and about 18 stone and he could bat me off like a fly. I just wish he could see how controlling and scary he can be. This feels so toxic. I have asked for my keys back and he has refused and asked me to be out of the house later when he removes his things. I have refused and asked my grown up DS to be here. This is my family house. He making me feel terrible as he has no money or anywhere to go. I asked him if we could be civilised but he is not interested. I am not looking forward to later. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
juneau · 26/02/2019 14:32

My thoughts, in no particular order:

  • you're well rid of this man - he's abusive, he belittles you, he's angry, controlling and nasty.
  • pack up his stuff - into bin bags if necessary - and have it ready for him to collect. The more you do to get his stuff packed up the less time he'll be in the house faffing around and making you feel bad.
  • don't feel guilty. It's your house and he's an arse.
  • please get some help with your self esteem. You're 50 years old and you should have seen the red flags with this man long ago. Three years with someone like this? Come OP. You do better than this.
DrinkSangriaInThePark · 26/02/2019 14:34

Why do you need this in your life?

What does he add to your life?

Sexnotgender · 26/02/2019 14:35

Holy crap, get rid now!

He sounds like a nightmare.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2019 14:39

He snatched the phone from you. That is an aggressive act. He refused to give your phone back. That is an aggressive act. You shouldn’t have tried to get it back by force but how else were you to retrieve your property? Were you meant to call 999?

He’s also refusing to return your property - the keys along with dictating to you that you should be out of your house when he retrieves his belongings. It’s a repeating pattern.

I absolutely agree with the consensus. You should not let him set foot in the house again and changing the locks is the only option to ensure this happens.

MirandaGoshawk · 26/02/2019 14:40

From bitter experience if you have a joint account, take out your money NOW!! Do not wait for him to do it, and do not trust him!

Ask your DS/friends to support you mentally/practically.

It will be sooo much better when he is out of your life!

Springwalk · 26/02/2019 14:40

Change the locks now op. Pack up hos things and leave them in a garage or shed or in the garden.

Text him to tell them where they are, that you won’t be answering the door. Advise him you will call the police immediately if there is any aggression.

Lock the doors and wait for him to go. Block his numbers and on SM. Change your passwords on every single bank account/ account etc. Update your family and friends, and remind yourself that you are well rid of this man.

Well done op Flowers you can’t live like this

Dimsumlosesum · 26/02/2019 14:41

Oh OP - you are worthy of being treated with kindness and goodness and decency and respect. This horrible excusefor a human being is treating you horrifically.please, please leave him now, before it gets even worse.

He is;
violent
aggressive
Manipulative
A bully
Nasty
Aggressive

Leave him, and be free of all that stress, anger, aggression, poison Flowers

Springwalk · 26/02/2019 14:42

No personally would choose friends over your son to be with you.

diddl · 26/02/2019 14:43

"He ended up screaming in my face slamming his fist on my desk, called me stupid bitch.He will often things like "unless you are prepared to behave or change then our relationship is over"."

Behave or change???!!! Fuck that!

He's a nasty piece of work-you'll be well rid!

cestlavielife · 26/02/2019 14:46

Ha ha my ex said this to me too

"unless you are prepared to behave or change then our relationship is over"."

I had already asked him to leave

Jux · 26/02/2019 14:49

What everyone else said. Change the locks asap and bag up his crap abd dump it outside..

Do not let him in.
Do not answer the door
If he won't go call 999.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 26/02/2019 14:52

Why on earth do you feel like a terrible person because you showed an abuser the door? Good riddance. As others have said, pack up his stuff, leave in on he doorstop for him to collect. NEVER let him back inside your house again. Have friends/family on hand to back you up and deter him from making a scene. If he kicks off, call the police immediately. You will be so much happier and better of with him out of your life. You did the right thing by asking him to leave, now follow through with it. Where he goes is his problem. He should have thought of that before he abused you.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/02/2019 14:54

I advised a friend to do the same. She called his bluff. Her partner went off in a huff then tried to crawl his way back a few days later. He went very apologetic then got extremely angry and most likely trashed her house when she was out a few months later. There is no proof it was him but her stuff was targeted to be smashed up rather than stolen.

I'd changed the locks myself as it's fairly easy to do.

frenchonion · 26/02/2019 15:00

Time for a trip to home bargains for a roll of black bin liners if you ask me. What pleasure or happiness are you getting from this relationship? This is your life, take it back!

SapatSea · 26/02/2019 15:04

Run... don't look back

FriarTuck · 26/02/2019 15:08

Pack up his stuff, throw it out of the door when your DS is there to keep you safe, change the locks immediately.
Another vote for this. Locks first.

AdoraBell · 26/02/2019 15:16

Definitely do as suggested, change locks and have someone there when collects his stuff.

Why are you selling your house? If it’s to buy a home with him then just take it off the market.

MyAuntyBadger · 26/02/2019 15:20

Agree with everyone else but just wanted to add to myshineywhiteteeth's suggestion of changing the locks yourself. It's really easy.

Karigan195 · 26/02/2019 15:22

Yeah don’t feel terrible for wanting a nice life. He sounds dreadful! Much better off out of that.

peekyboo · 26/02/2019 15:26

You feel bad because you've been trained to feel bad for standing up for yourself, either by him or previous relationships.

Have other people seem him during his rages?

AcrossthePond55 · 26/02/2019 15:27

Are you safe and OK @Meadow1203?

I can't tell from your post if he's left the house or not. If he has, then yes, pack his shit and change the locks. Or rather, change the locks then pack his shit. I believe if you call WA or similar they have a list of emergency locksmiths who can come out at a moment's notice.

If not, you need to call the police non-emergency number, explain the situation (specifically that the house is in your sole name and the details of what happened) and ask them for assistance in getting him to leave.

If at any time he becomes threatening in any way, call 999 immediately. In the meantime keep your phone on your person, in a secure pocket or even stuffed down your bra. Do not lay it down. I don't know about the UK, but here in the US most phones have a 'one touch' setting to call emergency services. Learn where yours is.

trulybadlydeeply · 26/02/2019 15:32

I agree that it would be well worth calling 101 and notifying the police that he is supposed to be leaving this evening, but that you are concerned that he could be violent and aggressive. I know of many people who have involved them in this way. Do NOT allow him to be in the house by himself.

And just to add to everyone else - change the locks immediately.

Do not feel sorry for him - he must have some sort of income, whether that be salary, pension or benefits.

ginghamtablecloths · 26/02/2019 15:40

You must get rid of this man, you said that it's always been a challenging relationship . IMHO a challenging relationship is a bad relationship.

As everyone has said here, get the locks changed and make sure you're not left alone until you can be sure that he's gone for good.

Phone the appropriate authorities so that they have a 'heads-up' on this in case of further trouble - he probably won't go quietly.

You are not terrible and you deserve better.

Cornishclio · 26/02/2019 15:41

He is violent and aggressive and you are well shot of him. Going into rages is not acceptable and I agree that changing the locks is the way to go for peace of mind. Bag up his stuff and just hand it over to him at the door. Do not let him in and under no circumstances give him money.

Jaxinthebox · 26/02/2019 15:52

I hope you are ok OP. Change those locks and get rid. Keep rid and move on with your life.