Called his bluff -I feel like a terrible person

[Meadow1203]

I hope you guys can help me make sense of this. So my p and I have been together for 3 years, we are in our 50's. It has always been a challenging relationship, troubles with his anger, terrible rages in the past. Things had calmed down over the last year and I hoped we were working towards the same goals. However things have become increasingly difficult over the past few weeks and finally came to head last night. The tiff started in the morning I am feeling very stressed due to money worries, serious family issues, health, trying to sell me house you name it. I was trying to work ( I work from home) and yes I was being a bit curt and wanted some space. Sadly my P will sees this as a rejection and all about him, it was not. He ended up screaming in my face slamming his fist on my desk, called me stupid bitch.He will often things like "unless you are prepared to behave or change then our relationship is over". Cue me not wanting to talk to him all day. To cut a long story short, in the evening I told him I had enough and I called his bluff. I am not a fruit cake and do not need to change and said we should end things. It did not go well, he managed to grab my phone and reading my messages out loud in a mocking voice, messages between the father of my son. He is insanely jealous, the messages we mainly about our son and general chit chat, we have been separated 5 years and good mates I am sorry to say that after repeatedly asking for the phone I finally saw red and tried to wrestle the it from him. He is now saying I attacked him, which I kind of did. For the record he is 6 4 and about 18 stone and he could bat me off like a fly. I just wish he could see how controlling and scary he can be. This feels so toxic. I have asked for my keys back and he has refused and asked me to be out of the house later when he removes his things. I have refused and asked my grown up DS to be here. This is my family house. He making me feel terrible as he has no money or anywhere to go. I asked him if we could be civilised but he is not interested. I am not looking forward to later. Any thoughts?

You really want to go no contact now. He has arranged to pick his stuff up. And no reason you need be there. He eants to engage you. And at this point you probably will if only to make your point. But it's a waste of time with an abuser. And dangerous too. Block and or delete.

And look at doing Freedom Programme.

Wankbadger lol. And if things are no too complicated I have just had an offer on my house that was up for sale.

Oh. Hmmm. It never rains, but pours!!

It’s hard to know what to say to that not knowing what the problem with the old debt is...but I guess ‘it gives you options’. How was the offer?!

Offer was perfect, can't believe it. Need to take a step back and think.

Yes. That’s a good idea.

If you want to give us more details we can offer some thoughts, but only if it’s what you want.

I’d check with the EA that it’s a genuine offer too, make sure it’s not wankbadger.

I met the people so def not wankbadger.

Oh that’s good to know.

Glad you’ve had a good offer on the house.

Yes it gives me options I suppose. I was selling to clear debts and start a new life with him.

Would the sale allow you to clear debts and start afresh alone?

Not really, yes clear debts but would not be enough to but somewhere else in the UK.

That's a shame. If you're happy in the house and can afford to, would you stay where you are for now? Typical that this has all happened at the same time, but an absolute blessing that you hadn't bought a place with him and been stuck trying to sell it which no doubt would've been made difficult.

What’s the situation with the old debt?

Unless you have to pay it now I wouldn’t sell if you can’t buy something else.

I love my house, so see what I can negotiate.

Have you spoken to any of the debt management charities, like CAP? It’s worth a try, it’s free.

Legally he has no right to enter the property. He is what is called a licensee, and as soon as you tell him to leave he must. You should not let him back into the property. Bag and box all of his stuff up and leave it in a safe place. You can ask the police to be present if you believe he will kick off. Change the locks before he returns to the property. You can purchase a barrel lock for around 20 quid and they are easy to change. If you can't do it yourself I'm sure your son could help you.

This sounds so much like the position a friend of mine is in, and I don't understand why she stays, she is lovely, intelligient and attractive, as I'm sure are you.

Regarding the debt. Do speak to National debtline, CAB or CAP. They will give you options. Selling your house to pay off debt is really NOT a good move.

Stop texting and interfacing with the Wankbadger. Have all his stuff ready for him to collect outside the property so there is no need for him to enter. Don’t be alone with him.

I agree - box up his stuff and put it on the doorstep so he doesn't have to come in. Then block his number, his email and any other way he has to harass you. The relationship is over and once he's got his stuff he has no further reason to contact you. If he tries to, particularly if it's abusive, let the police know.

Hi stuff is all in one place ready for him to pick up . Things have gone quiet after his last ranting email. I know he will be feeling like a victim and will be doing his best to find someone else . Who he will try convince that I was a nut case.

He's had a lot of crazy exes, hasn't he?

If you walk into a room and you smell dog shit, someone's trodden in dog shit. But if the smell follows you round everywhere you go, it's your own shoes you need to check.

Thatlibrary very funny but also very insightful. I think it is the only way he can deal with rejection, to make up people are mad, alcoholics. It could not possibly be him that is a possessive bully who is insecure due to abandonment issues. I was actually starting to think that there was something wrong with me but on reflection, yep it is him.