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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Called his bluff -I feel like a terrible person

222 replies

Meadow1203 · 26/02/2019 13:21

I hope you guys can help me make sense of this. So my p and I have been together for 3 years, we are in our 50's. It has always been a challenging relationship, troubles with his anger, terrible rages in the past. Things had calmed down over the last year and I hoped we were working towards the same goals. However things have become increasingly difficult over the past few weeks and finally came to head last night. The tiff started in the morning I am feeling very stressed due to money worries, serious family issues, health, trying to sell me house you name it. I was trying to work ( I work from home) and yes I was being a bit curt and wanted some space. Sadly my P will sees this as a rejection and all about him, it was not. He ended up screaming in my face slamming his fist on my desk, called me stupid bitch.He will often things like "unless you are prepared to behave or change then our relationship is over". Cue me not wanting to talk to him all day. To cut a long story short, in the evening I told him I had enough and I called his bluff. I am not a fruit cake and do not need to change and said we should end things. It did not go well, he managed to grab my phone and reading my messages out loud in a mocking voice, messages between the father of my son. He is insanely jealous, the messages we mainly about our son and general chit chat, we have been separated 5 years and good mates I am sorry to say that after repeatedly asking for the phone I finally saw red and tried to wrestle the it from him. He is now saying I attacked him, which I kind of did. For the record he is 6 4 and about 18 stone and he could bat me off like a fly. I just wish he could see how controlling and scary he can be. This feels so toxic. I have asked for my keys back and he has refused and asked me to be out of the house later when he removes his things. I have refused and asked my grown up DS to be here. This is my family house. He making me feel terrible as he has no money or anywhere to go. I asked him if we could be civilised but he is not interested. I am not looking forward to later. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 27/02/2019 11:39

Please arrange for the locks to be changed ASAP. It will give you some peace of mind, as he knows full well that breaking and entering is a serious crime and this will put him off.

Pack up whatever stuff you think is his from the garage ASAP and tell him that you will be arranging to drop it all off at a neutral point - so a supermarket car park for example. Ask a friend / your son to help you with this, so that it is all done in public and with witnesses. Then ensure that your garage is secure, with a new lock or a padlock.

If he is the kind of insecure bully that you have described, he will know that you mean what you say and you have shown that you are not open to his bullying anymore. This should be a massive deterrent to him bothering you, as he knows there is nothing to gain and he will be on to a new person.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 27/02/2019 12:12

Wow imogen that was an amazing post and great insight. You have hit the nail on the head. He told me I was different and his true love but basically has ended up treating me the same as all his previous relationships. Yes I thought I could fix him I believed we were going to have this amazing life. I was in love with the dream and in love with him. But he has systematically destroyed it all. I want an apology, him acknowledge that he is wrong but I know that will not happen. I feel such conflicting emotions, which I guess is normal. I need to keep reminding myself of the terrible things he has done. Margot I have asked my son to contact him as ask when he intends to collects his tools, it is livelihood so do not want to be spiteful

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 27/02/2019 12:36

I don't think you should be spiteful either, which is why I think he should get his stuff back. What I was trying to say, is that you should be setting the agenda. You don't ask him when works for him to pick up his stuff, you tell him when works for you to make them available for him. You are in charge of your home and not at his beck and call for him to pop by when suits him and may least suit you. I presume it will also make you anxious not knowing when that may be or if the time period extends so it is hanging over you.

So, tell him what works, by all means give him some options and then he can work around you to get his stuff and you can ensure you are out or if he is being in anyway difficult that his stuff is taken to a neutral place for his collection.

Bumbalaya · 27/02/2019 12:48

I don't want to scare you OP but these cases sometimes end with murder. He sounds extremely controlling. For you to even be with someone who treats you this way is an indication your low self esteem.
I urge you to kick him out of your life very soon.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 27/02/2019 13:04

bumb seems you might have not read the thread, he has gone.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/02/2019 14:10

Now there's a calmer head Smile

Keep on keepng cool in the face of provocation, Meadow Grin

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 27/02/2019 16:16

He has been back to collect more things but still a couple of bits. I have said I will arrange to for them to be stored safely as I am not comfortable with him just turning up. Apparently I am being difficult.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2019 16:18

Apparently I am being difficult.

Confused Angry

He's just being an arse because he's realised he can't control you any more. Don't rise to it.

MargoLovebutter · 27/02/2019 16:21

Well done Meadow. Very sensible, practical and entirely reasonable.

Jux · 27/02/2019 17:09

Very good, Meadow. Can you take a ittle bit more control back by telling him when he can pick up the last of his stuff, rather than asking meekly?

Mummacake · 27/02/2019 18:08

Well done Meadow. Take time for you now- it'll be very stressful but your safety must come first. As others have said, collection on your terms. Your house, your rules. Here's to a bright and fabulous future for you Flowers

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 28/02/2019 06:16

Well I thought I was being reasonable. He thinks I am just being difficult. He is now playing the victim. Words fail me.

OP posts:
Auntpetunia2015 · 28/02/2019 06:27

Let him play the victim you know the truth. He will be building his story so he’s got it straight for his next —victim— partner. Don’t let what he says bother you, you know the truth. Maybe time to tell as many friends colleagues as possible so you have back up.

OliviaBenson · 28/02/2019 06:40

He's using his stuff as a means to control you. You need to bag it all up and tell him to collect it at a certain time or it will be disposed of.

Then stop engaging with him. He's trying to get into your head.

LaughingCow99 · 28/02/2019 06:51

He is so embarrassing. I'm cringing reading how he us making out he is the victim.

You were in live with what you wanted him to be, but the reality if what he is, is clearly evident in his past.

You need to toughen up and take off the rise-tinted spectacles. This is not a man that made a mistake, this is a habitual, violent abuser

ErrmWTAF · 28/02/2019 07:12

Yep. Get the last of his stuff away from your home ASAP. He's only keeping it there to:

  1. mess with your head/prove you're not the boss of him;
  1. have a vaguely plausible excuse for being there if you call the cops; and
  1. test waters for a return.

You've done so well already, but you need to take back control of your life! And that can't start properly while he's still using you for storage.

Talk to the police.

Tell everybody you know that he was abusive. Don't think, if you "keep your dignity" he's going to respond in kind. You already know what he says about his exes. So don't be shy about getting your narrative out there first.

icelollycraving · 28/02/2019 07:15

I agree. I’d get his stuff together and get it dropped off to him and tell him there are no reasons for him to approach you again. Then you’ll have nothing to be ‘difficult’ about.

notapizzaeater · 28/02/2019 07:37

Of course he's playing the victim, he played it with you .....

juneau · 28/02/2019 09:47

Personally, I would embrace being 'difficult' (which you're not, btw). It's infinitely preferable to being a doormat, however, which is presumably what he'd like you to be!

Pishogue · 28/02/2019 09:56

Being considered 'difficult' by this kind of abuser is a compliment, Meadow. It means you're not an easy target for his techniques any more. Well done you. Continue to keep a cool head, and do get those remaining tools dropped off to him or to a neutral location asap. I agree about the reasons he has deliberately left them at your house. You're safer once they've gone.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 28/02/2019 10:12

Good morning, thanks for your kind word. I was talking to my very good friend this morning I have known her for over 25 years and she has met me ex DP. She reminded that almost to year that we split up. He stole my car, took a few 100 out of my account and left the country, hacked into Mumsnet and posted in my thread and some how got into my emails. ( this was all because I went into my games room in the garden and played pool with my sons). After a few weeks he managed to talk me around I forgave him, he promised to change and did and life was good. However over the past few months things have changed, I suppose a leopard never changes his spots. As my friend pointed out none of this behaviour is normal and he needs help. How is right to tread on egg shells in your own home and a place of once happiness if full of anger and a bad atmosphere, so bad that my family and friends do not want to come if he is here. I thought I was a strong woman and would never be abused again but how wrong could I be.

OP posts:
Omzlas · 28/02/2019 10:27

'Being difficult' = not under the thumb any more

Chin up. Tits out. Onwards.

Fuck him, fuck his tools and fuck him trying to make you feel crappy.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/02/2019 11:02

how wrong could I be
It crept up on you OP, as with many abusers.
It's little things to start with to chip away at you.
But you've realised now and taken action so well done.
Here's to an abuse free future without fuckwits! Wine

Clutterbugsmum · 28/02/2019 11:22

She reminded that almost to year that we split up. He stole my car, took a few 100 out of my account and left the country, hacked into Mumsnet and posted in my thread and some how got into my emails All the more reason to make sure you are protected.

I would get you computers/phone checked to make sure he hasn't got any spyware on them.

Then change all your passwords/login details. Make sure your bank account is safe he can not access any of your accounts.

Do you have a garage where you can put his stuff so he does not have actually access your home.

IncrediblySadToo · 28/02/2019 11:26

You’re doing really well 🌷

Ask your good friend not to keep her thoughts to herself in the future. Promise her and yourself that if she has concerns in the future you will listen and consider them properly. Your DS too. Because you’ll continue to be susceptible to men like this.
In time, do some reading too.

I’m glad DS is staying for a while.

Do as everyone else has said. Give him a time over the next couple of days when he can collect the rest of the stuff (obviously have someone else there and only let him in the garage if you can’t put the stuff outside). Or take it elsewhere for him to collect.

You are being reasonable. Him thinking you’re being difficult is irrelevant, he’s just trying to control you. Ignore or feel proud that you’re not acting like a cowering doormat. Your anxiety will be much improved once all his crap is gone. When it has, block him from your phone. Hopefully you’ve already blocked him everywhere else.

You need to tell people what he was like. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about and it’s not being horrible. It’s protecting yourself. It’s helping people to help you.

If it was ME and I had her contact details I’d send his ex wife a message saying I wish I’d listened to her & that he’s still the same. I just think it’s a nice thing to do, both to acknowledge that she tried to prevent this happening to you and so she gets a little more ofcthe feeling that it wasn't her at all, just him. But that’s just me.