Does this make me an OW waiting in the wings?

[PhillipaLalla]

Hi all, I'd love some outside perspective on this situation. I am regular on Msn but NCed for this as I am concerned it could be outing.

A couple of months ago I developed a (mutual) crush for a married colleague. There was a drunken kiss and some discussing attraction. I felt really guilty about it, so I did not know how to handle the situation, besides steering clear of him which is what I mostly did ever since.

Recently this man asked to talk to me. He told me he is discussing a separation with his wife, same old story of them having long-term issues and growing apart. He thinks the marriage is over, although he says the situation between them is pretty amicable. He said that he really likes me and would like to explore this mutual attraction when his situation at home is sorted and he is single and free to date. He admits that my arrival on the scene made him feel alive and helped him realize what was wrong in the marriage, but apparently the issues had been building up for a long time before he met me.

He says he doesn't know exactly how long this will take, it could be anywhere between a month to 4/5 months. In the meantime, we agreed we won't be in touch or meet up privately outside of work. So we are effectively stopping all communication/ interaction, until he is free to date.

He understands he can't ask me to wait around for him and in the meantime I could meet someone else, but that is a risk he is willing to take.

So my question is: am I just a stupid OW waiting in the wings? Or is he handling this the correct way? Are we being honest in taking this course of action, or is this still dodgy/ dishonest?

Thanks

Yes. You kissed him whilst he was married to someone else.

You are not loves young dream. It's an affair. Emotional affair at best, his poor wife.

Yes.

I don't understand why it could take him 4-5 months to leave his wife. That's the bit which I think is dodgy and I wonder if his wife knows that he is leaving (if he definitely is). I think he might be keeping you on the back burner in case things don't work out with her. The other thing is that his marriage isn't getting a fair chance at recovery if he has someone else lined up - the attraction of the new and unknown makes it harder to fix the problems at home.
Sounds iffy to me - and f he's going to leave he should just get on with it and not keep either of you dangling.

I suspect if you tell him you're not interested he will never leave his wife.

If you tell him you are interested he will spend 4-5 months getting to know you better, aka having an affair, while deciding who he likes better and if you're worth leaving his wife for.

You'd be best off being very non commital and telling him to come back and have the conversation once he's left her and that you'll consider things then.

I suggest you look for a new job/ transfer so you see much less of him. If you are in a big organisation it might be worth co finding in HR (because if the whole situation blows up having got your side of the story in could help).

And go out and have a social life, meet people who are single.

You are being ridiculous and he is feeding you a line.

Sounds like he’s testing the waters with you before deciding whether or not to leave his wife.

That’s pretty scummy behaviour and would incline me to tell him to sod off.

I would love to hear this from the wife's point of view. I'll bet it's completely different. Are there children involved? I hope not .

Do you really want to be with a man who is so quick to betray someone he promised to remain faithful to?
Do you really want to be the cause of a marriage breakup?

Don’t fall for it OP.

The oldest chestnut in the book

IF he's genuine then tell him to come back when he's single (& had been single for a few konths) THEN if you're still single you can talk then. That'll quickly sort out where you really stand and how he really sees you. Be mindful.though that he's already done this to his wife, you'd have to expect the same treatment at some point

You kisses a married man. Put it in the "bad decisions" box and move on.

Surely it doesn’t take 5 months to separate with someone. A day at most I’d say. It sounds suspicious. You can do better than someone else’s husband!

Let’s say you end up with him. In x years when he’s bored again you’ll be in his wife’s shoes. Could you really trust a man like this?

It's all exciting initially but if you look at this with brain rather than other parts..this is a man who happily cheats on his wife then asks the person he cheated with to just wait about for a bit until that inconvenient person he promised till death do us part is removed.

What a catch.

move on from this and don't give this cheat the time of day, he's looking for a fling and if you respect yourself and tell him to jog on he'll look else where with no intention of leaving his wife. why would he ? divorce costs sheds loads to start with and if they have dc his wife could cause problems.

Don’t do it. You might be in his wife’s shoes further down the line. You also have no idea if he is telling the truth and just wants a fling.

Against the tide here- maybe I'm being naive. You both noticed an attraction and kissed while drunk. Then avoided each other. Yes, you shouldn't have.

I would give it a good long time- I'd want to see that he had completely left- where is he living etc, how is his relationship with ex. I think it's ok to take a while to leave- unreasonable to just walk out without talking through arrangements, if there is no ill feeling.
Listen to how he talks about her. If he's disrespectful, then stay away.

Then I would quietly start dating, but openly and above board.

Use this time to forget about him.

You can do better. He's already cheated on his wife with the snog. He's no prize. Why should you settle for him?

I bet he said they never have sex anymore as well.

Don't fall for it OP.

Don't do it. People will likely cotton on that something has been going on between you and his family and friends will hate you. It isn't a recipe for happiness Findeone single to develop a new crush on.

He asked to talk to you and then came out with that load of old baloney? I’d have struggled to keep my face straight. It’s like he’s read ‘The Dummies Guide to having an affair’.

Crack on with the rest of your life. Don’t wait for this tired old cliche of a man.

God, imagine being with him. It might take him a month to five months to put a cup in the dishwasher too! 💤

He understands he can't ask me to wait around for him and in the meantime I could meet someone else, but that is a risk he is willing to take.

But he is asking you to wait. He’s giving you just enough to see if you’ll start a full blown affair with him while keeping you hanging in “I promise I’ll leave her”

And you are already the OW.

For once, the guy says he is going to leave his wife before a fully flung affair. Which is the MN common cry
See if it happens...... (unlikely)

I’d think he wanted a full affair now and will take a long time to leave his wife. My Chrystal ball tells me his wife will be “difficult” during this period.

Mate.....come on now, have some self respect