Does this make me an OW waiting in the wings?

[PhillipaLalla]

Hi all, I'd love some outside perspective on this situation. I am regular on Msn but NCed for this as I am concerned it could be outing.

A couple of months ago I developed a (mutual) crush for a married colleague. There was a drunken kiss and some discussing attraction. I felt really guilty about it, so I did not know how to handle the situation, besides steering clear of him which is what I mostly did ever since.

Recently this man asked to talk to me. He told me he is discussing a separation with his wife, same old story of them having long-term issues and growing apart. He thinks the marriage is over, although he says the situation between them is pretty amicable. He said that he really likes me and would like to explore this mutual attraction when his situation at home is sorted and he is single and free to date. He admits that my arrival on the scene made him feel alive and helped him realize what was wrong in the marriage, but apparently the issues had been building up for a long time before he met me.

He says he doesn't know exactly how long this will take, it could be anywhere between a month to 4/5 months. In the meantime, we agreed we won't be in touch or meet up privately outside of work. So we are effectively stopping all communication/ interaction, until he is free to date.

He understands he can't ask me to wait around for him and in the meantime I could meet someone else, but that is a risk he is willing to take.

So my question is: am I just a stupid OW waiting in the wings? Or is he handling this the correct way? Are we being honest in taking this course of action, or is this still dodgy/ dishonest?

Thanks

Ok I’ve been in your situation OP. I made no promises I certainly didn’t agree to “wait”. I told him to go to counselling with his wife to see if they could save their marriage (they did), meantime I steered very clear of him. The marriage did end a few months later, and he continued with the counselling by himself to find out why he failed in his marriage. Eventually we did get together and have been happily married now for 10 years.
Don’t agree to wait. Get on with your life. And let his story play out in whatever way it’s meant to. If one day you are single and so is he then you can take it from there.

You have have what he's told you to go on. If everything is amicable between he and wife then why does he need to position himself for the next few months.
He sounds like an opportunists. In his mind he's giving his marriage a few months to see if he can pluck up the courage to leave. He's basing this all on a kiss with you. Let's say you end up together with this man. Is it the kind of guy you want to be with? One who goes off on his marriage after a kiss?

I don’t think this situation makes you the OW but I do think he is mugging you off. You have given him excitement and a frisson of power whilst he can still cling to the security of his marriage.

I would absolutely cut him off for now. Tell him you aren’t a cheater and you don’t date cheaters, that you don’t want to talk to him or hear from him again until he is living apart from his wife. When this happens you will consider a date with him.

In the meantime keep your options open. Consider OLD maybe. Don’t hang around for someone who may or may not leave his wife at some point in the future.

I feel if he were genuinely splitting with his wife his life would be in a bit of turmoil and taking all his time and efforts and emotions to deal with. Unless he was a completely laid back heartless bastard.

Which brings me on to the next thing.....

Honestly it sounds like he's after try out sex.

If it's going to take 5 months to leave his wife that's fine, his choice. I'd make it clear you have no interest in anything being platonic coworkers whilst he's with her and no interest in being the rebound so you'll both have to see where you are in a years time.

If he does leave his wife, you can obviously do something once he's single or fall madly in love with someone else a week later, that's also fine because he needs toeave her for himself.

He needs to understand he isn't jumping from her bed to yours.

You need to not fe obliged to be with him because he left his wife "for you"

@PhillipaLalla
MN is very harsh when it comes to things like this.
I DO know of people in RL who have left partners for each other and are happy. (and yes, there is fall out.)

I also know of people in my own life who are the OW and have been waiting years- literally years- for the men to leave 'when the time is right' (ie when kids are through exams etc.)Whether they will, remains to be seen.

However, your post does read like a Mills&Boon script.

It's incredibly predictable what he says.

The likelihood is, he's bored in his marriage, you have come along and he exaggerates- in his own mind- the faults in his marriage to give him a way out of it.

Even if he does leave, it will be messy and in all honesty he needs time alone for a year or so to reflect on what went wrong with the marriage so he doesn't repeat it all with you - or anyone.

You sound genuine and I'd hate you to be hurt.
If you are in contact with him, I'd suggest you point him in the direction of Relate and make him see his marriage might be worth saving.

I suspect once you stop being available - even at a distance- he will revert back to being another 'my wife doesn't understand me' man.

If you are the ONE for him, he will leave, divorce her and pursue you.
He knows where you are so your best move is to drift into the background and forget him. If he comes back in the future, re-assess.

OP hasn't been back, I hope this is a genuine post. So many of us have been in the wife's position, it just seems cruel to post this and run away.

Ah OP, have some dignity.

Don't be the OW. Even if you go along with this dubious story without anything else happening until he's "single" then you will be the OP as far as exW and everyone she knows is concerned, and everyone you work with.

I have a OW in my life. She is the cause of a huge amount of pain and I detest her. Don't be that woman.

And how long until he's really single? Divorces take at least 6 months, often a lot longer. He's not single until he's not married to someone else.

Are there kids involved? If so you will have to keep your distance from him for a whole lot longer. You can't suddenly pitch up as daddy's new girlfriend.

Let me tell you OP, if you go down this route you are opening up a world of pain. My advice is to cut off all contact with this guy, get a new job and don't be tempted by a married man again.

@Postino
That's a really mean thing to say- to suggest the OP is a tr...ll

She posted at 6.45a.m
Some people have lives and jobs and can't spend all day on MN!
I expect she is on her way to work or working.

Hi all, thank you for your comments.

Just to clarify a few points that have come up in some of the responses:

• He said the separation process could take anything from a few weeks to a 4/5 months, because he they need to agree on the terms of the separation and how to organise life for the children.

• He has two children with his wife, which I suppose makes separating more complex.

• He has never tried to get me into bed with him, even though he had opportunities to try.

• I made it very clear that I have no intention to start a full-blown affair with him, and that we should leave it here until he is single.

• I also made it very clear that I won't be waiting around for him and I will keep dating and living my life.

@Postino, yes we have haven't we. Sadly. Hence my post above to OP. I suspect OP was hoping that we would tell her that this doesn't make her OW and hasn't been back because she didn't like the response. Hope she's read it though. We don't need another OW in the world.

If I found out my husband had kissed someone else and then had a conversation with her about getting together after he had left me then yes, I would definitely see her as the OW.

My ex husband is still with his OW a year later. Knowing they got together as the result of an affair and that their actions ripped numerous lives apart (it's not just the wife and children, it's wider family/friends it affects too so he might want to consider that) makes me think their relationship was always going to be doomed (not to mention the fact that she is 28 and childless and he is 41 with 2 pre-teen kids and has had the snip).

Anyway, I would steer clear. i also agree that his wife probably has a very different view of their marriage and probably know nothing of the 'problems' they have been having (as i didn't). He will tell you what you want to hear OP...these men are very clever at doing this.

My apologies OP that I wondered if you were genuine.

I still feel very hurt by my situation - try not to ignore the three vulnerable people here.

I frankly couldn't live with myself if I went anywhere near a married man.

AFistfulofDolores1

He's lined you up. He can't deal with himself, so he moves his attention to a new woman. This isn't about his wife; it's about him, and he cannot face it. You're the next diversion.

This. Nothing more to it, really. He's just a shit person, and you'd be a fool to even consider any kind of a relationship with him, in my opinion.

@PhillipaLalla They were not separated when you first kissed or spoke about being attracted to each other. His head has been turned.....

I think he’s best avoided in all honesty. Although he says marriage not happy and this may be the case he may not have tried to work on it which he should when they have 2 children. His wife may not know anything is wrong? He is says he understands you cant wait but he is asking you too.,

If you did have a relationship with him you’d feel bad that he left his kids as you were part of that, wife would be difficult understandably and you may wonder in future if he would do the same to you? Not the best way to start a relationship

You kissed him and discussed your mutual feelings for each other whilst he was still very much married with a family. You are the OW. You just can't polish that turd. That is what you are.

I had a married colleague who made a pass and more or less said he thought he had been happy with his wife, now he wasn’t sure and he wanted to ‘try me out’ before he decided what to do. He was serious. Fortunately I wasn’t remotely interested and he is still with his wife two years on and insists to this day we are great friends (we’re not).

In your case I would say It doesn’t take 4/5 months to leave his wife if that’s what he wants. He is right though that separation can be messy and I would leave well alone whatever happens.

If he will do it with you, he will do it to you.

He is lining you up OP - wonder how many there have been before you?

Sounds like he is bored in his marriage. Thing is OP that not all men leave their long term wives and think "phew I wish I'd done it earlier". Not all men end up with someone younger and gorgeous. Most men are just average or not even that. Chances are that he may get with you but then regret it when he sees his exW re-invent herself and get a new bloke, loses half his assets and has to pay maintenance and his DC and family drop him because he is a loser and has caused hurt.

Some men go on to live happily ever after with a new model. Some end up in a bedsit on their own thinking WTF have I done?

I know the sis my situation but EVERYONE I know who dumped their partner is now alone whereas the dumped party was devastated but has gone on to meet someone better and is now glad that their first OH dumped them.

Ask his wife.

oh FGS get some perspective everyone.
This woman had a drunken kiss(assume it was a Xmas office party or something) and she is called The OW.
That is ridiculous.

She has told him to back off.
They have not had sex.

If all someone had to do was exchange a kiss and then be called the OW, I expect half the women in the world would have that label.

These things happen.
She's stopped it.
She's not broken up a marriage and neither has he (yet).

One kiss does not make someone the OW - only in the unreal world of MN.

And I'm sorry if this forum is full of hurt women but maybe other people have a different perspective.

He sounds grim OP, he's testing the waters before he leaves his poor DW (who he's already cheated on, and is happily lying to) . Of course he should end the marriage if he wants out, but having gone about it the way he has just proves what kind of person he is. I really wouldn't be fooled into thinking any of this makes him a decent guy going about it the 'right way- look at what he's doing, not what he's saying. Every cheater in the world thinks an affair is true love/they succumbed/were already miserable in the marriage/doesn't want to admit how tacky they are in reality, I hardly think any of this is proof he is that into you, so much as it is that he's only trying to leave if something else can be lined up before he commits to it, and is both a coward, a cheat, and really quite shifty. There are plenty of ego boosts to be had from the emotional affair hes been having with you, not to mention when you both made it physical by kissing. Him not being after sex isn't some sort of compliment to you re: his depth of feelings. He was happy enough for a one night tacky snog before popping home to his wife and kids, no? He probably is just kidding himself that if hes not shagged you its not really cheating, so he can feel like a good person. As with his trying to line you up before he 'splits' with his DW, its all abput him. Dont get sucked in.

I think you have the rose tinted glasses on a bit here OP. His poor wife.