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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does this make me an OW waiting in the wings?

214 replies

PhillipaLalla · 29/01/2019 06:45

Hi all, I'd love some outside perspective on this situation. I am regular on Msn but NCed for this as I am concerned it could be outing.

A couple of months ago I developed a (mutual) crush for a married colleague. There was a drunken kiss and some discussing attraction. I felt really guilty about it, so I did not know how to handle the situation, besides steering clear of him which is what I mostly did ever since.

Recently this man asked to talk to me. He told me he is discussing a separation with his wife, same old story of them having long-term issues and growing apart. He thinks the marriage is over, although he says the situation between them is pretty amicable. He said that he really likes me and would like to explore this mutual attraction when his situation at home is sorted and he is single and free to date. He admits that my arrival on the scene made him feel alive and helped him realize what was wrong in the marriage, but apparently the issues had been building up for a long time before he met me.

He says he doesn't know exactly how long this will take, it could be anywhere between a month to 4/5 months. In the meantime, we agreed we won't be in touch or meet up privately outside of work. So we are effectively stopping all communication/ interaction, until he is free to date.

He understands he can't ask me to wait around for him and in the meantime I could meet someone else, but that is a risk he is willing to take.

So my question is: am I just a stupid OW waiting in the wings? Or is he handling this the correct way? Are we being honest in taking this course of action, or is this still dodgy/ dishonest?

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
SmokeHeadedThisWay · 30/01/2019 15:09

I already went NC and told this man that I don't want to get involved with him while he is still married?

^^This
while he is still married translates as "divorce your wife then we can date"

You are instrumental in the break up of his marriage and family. DO you feel good about that?

Original poster
PhillipaLalla · 30/01/2019 15:20

blueskiespls no we are not texting nor interacting in any way besides the odd "hello" in the office corridors.

OP posts:
Claw001 · 30/01/2019 15:28

You are going to have no contact, sit and wait, twiddling your thumbs for 5 months for him Confused

You won’t want to know how things are progressing, if at all, while you wait?

Original poster
PhillipaLalla · 30/01/2019 15:30

claw I am not waiting, I am going to keep dating and do my thing. I have zero intention to put my life on hold for the possibility that a man I barely know is going to separate from his wife.

OP posts:
Gruzinkerbell1 · 30/01/2019 15:32

You've all but told him to break up with his wife for you. That's the bottom line.

SmokeHeadedThisWay · 30/01/2019 15:38

I don't want to get involved with him while he is still married

He needs to get a very different from you, more along the lines of "I wouldn't ever date you. Don't think for a second that divorcing your wife will change that"

AND MEAN IT

Claw001 · 30/01/2019 15:39

He is leaving his wife for you! Whether it’s in 5 days or 5 months.

You are treating it as if it’s no big deal!

Claw001 · 30/01/2019 15:40

Although he may never leave, it’s not the point!

Original poster
PhillipaLalla · 30/01/2019 15:46

Claw I asked him very clearly if what happened between us had anything to do with his separation. He said that no, the issues had been going on for a long time, way before we had that drunken kiss.

I also said that I want nothing to do with his decision to separate, because that is not a responsibility that I want to shoulder, nor can I guarantee that anything would actually happen between us at all if he was single. I made it very very clear and repeated it several times in our conversation.

One thing I know for sure is that I won't go anywhere near him as long as he is married. I can't control what he decides to do with his marriage, but I can control my actions and that is what I intend to keep doing.

OP posts:
SmokeHeadedThisWay · 30/01/2019 15:55

Claw I asked him very clearly if what happened between us had anything to do with his separation. He said that no, the issues had been going on for a long time, way before we had that drunken kiss.

That was a lie

I also said that I want nothing to do with his decision to separate, because that is not a responsibility that I want to shoulder, nor can I guarantee that anything would actually happen between us at all if he was single. I made it very very clear and repeated it several times in our conversation.

He heard "leave her and then look me up"

One thing I know for sure is that I won't go anywhere near him as long as he is married. I can't control what he decides to do with his marriage, but I can control my actions and that is what I intend to keep doing.

Once he's left her he can look you up. There's the incentive. You're the OW.

Claw001 · 30/01/2019 16:08

Sugar coat it as much as you like! Your thread is asking am I the OW waiting in the wings!!

He is married, you both had a ‘mutual crush’ for months and acted on it.

Since you have had a chat about that attraction and he has decided to leave his wife!

SmokeHeadedThisWay · 30/01/2019 16:10

I think the title of the thread says it all really. OP knows she is. Why the hell else would the thought even occur to her???

Claw001 · 30/01/2019 16:14

So my question is: am I just a stupid OW waiting in the wings? Or is he handling this the correct way? Are we being honest in taking this course of action, or is this still dodgy/ dishonest?

8 pages in, every single poster, but one, has answered YES to all of the above! Yet you are still defending and saying NO!!

frenchonion · 30/01/2019 16:28

Why would you want to get involved with this guy anyway? It's going to take a clear two years or more before his breakup is settled, divorce sorted and single life for both him and the DW is established enough that its not going to make a subsequent relationship kind of fucked up and difficult, especially with DC involved etc. WHY get into this?! Is he THAT much of a catch?!

SmokeHeadedThisWay · 30/01/2019 16:28

Beats me why OP even asked tbh Hmm

MsDogLady · 30/01/2019 16:44

... a man I barely know.
Philippa, are you backpedaling? You admitted having a crush on him. You were physical and had intimate discussions infused with emotion.

I asked him very clearly if what happened between us had anything to do with his separation. He said no ... Really? Then why did he previously say:

He admits that my arrival on the scene made him feel alive and made him realize what was wrong in the marriage ...

Yes, the cracks were already there, but you were the catalyst that triggered the thoughts of separation. You can go NC and date others, but you are in his thoughts and in his hopes.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 30/01/2019 16:46

One thing I know for sure is that I won't go anywhere near him as long as he is married.

Drunken kiss and admitting you're attracted to each other doesn't sound like 'I wont go anywhere near him' to me.

Agreevwith 99.9% of posters, he's such a cliché - how come we all can see it but you can't?

He's no prize, have some self respect and enjoy being single/dating single men. I know men and OW like this - they think they're being so covert and clever, that the destruction they cause families is worth it as their luv is sooo special when really most people look at them and cringe.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 30/01/2019 16:46

Tell him that it's only fair to let him know that you've met someone you really like and can see a future with. Wish him luck for the future and watch how quickly everything at home is suddenly fine again.

He is contemplating leaving his wife directly because you kissed him, told him you have feelings for him, but stipulated that he would need to be single for you to act on them. You are the puppet master.

TaMereAPoilDevantPrisu · 30/01/2019 16:59

OP I don't think I would necessarily define you as an OW at this point. I do think you don't have a clue what you're letting yourself in for though. Seriously he would have to have a solid diamond dick to make it worth putting up with the shitstorm coming your way.

SmokeHeadedThisWay · 30/01/2019 17:00

@TaMereAPollDevantPrisu how do you think his wife would define her right now?

DBML · 30/01/2019 17:18

Sounds like he’s testing the water. Seeing how interested you are.

Initial he wants to sound ‘decent’, but will be judging you by your reaction.

If you ‘wait’ he’ll likely spin the separating from wife story and begin seeing you on the side.

By the time you realise what’s happened, you’ll already have firmly become the invested ow, desperate for him to leave his family.

Or, maybe I watch too much TV, but this is how I interpreted it all.

GalacticChickenShit · 30/01/2019 17:24

How can some women still be so fucking stupid?
He's read the Idiots Guide to Being a Cheat. Maybe you should too OP.

TaMereAPoilDevantPrisu · 30/01/2019 17:30

smoke I was doing some reverse psychology on the OP ;-)

PartyLikeABoss · 30/01/2019 17:31

@TaMereAPoilDevantPrisu nice work

TaMereAPoilDevantPrisu · 30/01/2019 17:44

Srsly OP why not go out and find a guy without a crapload of baggage and kids that are going to hate you?

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