Does this make me an OW waiting in the wings?

[PhillipaLalla]

Hi all, I'd love some outside perspective on this situation. I am regular on Msn but NCed for this as I am concerned it could be outing.

A couple of months ago I developed a (mutual) crush for a married colleague. There was a drunken kiss and some discussing attraction. I felt really guilty about it, so I did not know how to handle the situation, besides steering clear of him which is what I mostly did ever since.

Recently this man asked to talk to me. He told me he is discussing a separation with his wife, same old story of them having long-term issues and growing apart. He thinks the marriage is over, although he says the situation between them is pretty amicable. He said that he really likes me and would like to explore this mutual attraction when his situation at home is sorted and he is single and free to date. He admits that my arrival on the scene made him feel alive and helped him realize what was wrong in the marriage, but apparently the issues had been building up for a long time before he met me.

He says he doesn't know exactly how long this will take, it could be anywhere between a month to 4/5 months. In the meantime, we agreed we won't be in touch or meet up privately outside of work. So we are effectively stopping all communication/ interaction, until he is free to date.

He understands he can't ask me to wait around for him and in the meantime I could meet someone else, but that is a risk he is willing to take.

So my question is: am I just a stupid OW waiting in the wings? Or is he handling this the correct way? Are we being honest in taking this course of action, or is this still dodgy/ dishonest?

Thanks

@PhillipaLalla we've all had an accidental drunken kiss and not everyone on this thread is comprehending what you are saying.

When I was your age I really didn't see the other side of the coin. Sadly, he potentially is a cliche. There are a lot of these men about. Best avoided I think and concentrate on the men who are a bit closer in age to you and baggage-less. You will have a much easier life!

Best of luck with everything.

Yeah, you need to recalibrate so that a married man with kids wanting a drunken snog triggers your "ewww creepy" button not your "OMG ROMANTIC DOOMED LOVE" switch.

Someone said the OP is the puppet master .....wrong, she is the puppet having her strings pulled slowly but surely. The whispered ‘hellos’ in the corridor are all adding to the frisson. I should imagine they both go out of the way to meet in the corridor. I know, I’ve been there....not something I’m proud of, and definitely not something I’d ever do again, but it is all such a cliche.

He won’t leave after one kiss...so save yourself and the wife the heartbreak.

Nah

Sounds like you came on here wanting everyone to tell you that you have done nothing wrong and now that has not happened you are back peddling and changing the facts to suit you. I feel sorry for his wife!!

Op, you say you wouldn’t start a relationship with him until he is single.

Whilst it’s good that you are not jumping into bed with this man behind his wife’s back...you must see that you are encouraging him to leave his family.

I get that their relationship might well be bad; unsalvagable even, but even so, this is not an admirable action on your part as well as his.

To be honest, having heard this exact story time and time again, I would put money on him stringing you along saying he is leaving his wife, whilst the poor woman has no idea. He’ll hope to embark on an affair with you and probably drop you once the excitement wears off, going back to his stable family.

As someone else said, save yourself the heartache...any man that kisses another woman behind his wife’s back, is hardly a catch.

I asked him very clearly if what happened between us had anything to do with his separation. He said that no, the issues had been going on for a long time, way before we had that drunken kiss.

So why didn't he leave then? Because it wasn't bad enough, and he didn't have anything lined up. Why can't you benefit from everyone's experience on here and listen to what ppl are telling you?
The only surefire way to tell if he's bullshitting you is to tell him you wouldn't see him even if he was separated from his DW. If his marriage was really that bad he'd still leave. But you're not going to do that, are you? So stop pretending you're innocent in all this. You're the catalyst to him breaking up his family, the promise of you being there for him at the end is what motivates any degree of separation he initiates.
If you were truly serious about not wanting to be the OW, you'd tell him you weren't going to continue with him. That's the bit you keep ignoring.

OP I think you are getting a really hard time here. The drunken kiss was wrong, obviously. But it just isn't possible to say whether he is being a cliche or genuine.

The midlife crisis is one scenario (and probably the most common) but many people in their 40s are more emotionally mature than in their 20s sometimes people realise that they made a mistake and sometimes that is a mutual thing, and amicable. The important thing should be the children, being able to co parent well and stay friends.

I think this thread has become bonkers. I would take the useful bits and then forget about the thread.

I wouldn't blame the OW myself. I have not been the OW but have had my dh be unfaithful to me. I blame my dh and because we had dc I also blame myself for ignoring the warning signs before we were married. Some people are unfaithful. Some people aren't. The men who are the cliche have probably been unfaithful from day one, not just when they have the midlife crisis. Next time I hope I choose better.

Think back to when you were a kid OP. Imagine your dad was off kissing his coworkers and telling them he's going to leave his wife for them. You're talking about destroying a family. Yes if it's not you it might well be someone else, but do you want have in part in that? Because I know I wouldn't.

I haven't rtft but if he was a decent guy he'd just leave his wife and approach you once he was single.

If you're not going to do anything, if he accepts that you'll be dating in the meantime, then what exactly was the point of telling you all this?

I hesitate to jump in here OP but you sound lovely and I think you are in love with him. Which makes it very hard not to hope there is a chance of it working out. Others on here have experience and wisdom of watching similar scenarios playing out. All I can offer is, what advice would you give to your sister or closest friend in the same situation? Good luck to you. It's not easy.

OP all I would say that humans tend to repeat behaviour if they dont really question it and understand why they did it.

If you start a relationship it is likely that he will kiss women (and more) outside your relationship. Unless he really examines himself and changes and TBH that is rare. Cheaters often have a big sense of entitlement.

She can't be in love with him, she barely knows him... she might be in love with what she thinks he is though.

OP play the video through to the end. Fast forward a year, he's left his wife and is paying her hefty child support. He's living in a crummy temporary flat and has his bewildered, sad kids who hate you every other weekend. You can't help but wonder if he doesn't still hanker after his wife.

or, you keep dating, meet someone single and baggageless and are having rampant sex on European city breaks.

It's funny I was just watching a biography about Margot Fonteyn and it describes how she met her husband. It made me think of this thread.

They'd known each other when they were both around 20, but then lost touch. He saw her in a performance about 15 years later, came back to her dressing room, and said he wanted to marry her... as soon as he left his wife and three kids.

And he did end up doing a quickie divorce and they were married. He cheated on her too, despite her being his carer when he developed a disability.

The whole story made you feel so sad fo her. Like, what an insulting offer, and why did she seem to think that was the best she could expect out of life?