Does this make me an OW waiting in the wings?

[PhillipaLalla]

Hi all, I'd love some outside perspective on this situation. I am regular on Msn but NCed for this as I am concerned it could be outing.

A couple of months ago I developed a (mutual) crush for a married colleague. There was a drunken kiss and some discussing attraction. I felt really guilty about it, so I did not know how to handle the situation, besides steering clear of him which is what I mostly did ever since.

Recently this man asked to talk to me. He told me he is discussing a separation with his wife, same old story of them having long-term issues and growing apart. He thinks the marriage is over, although he says the situation between them is pretty amicable. He said that he really likes me and would like to explore this mutual attraction when his situation at home is sorted and he is single and free to date. He admits that my arrival on the scene made him feel alive and helped him realize what was wrong in the marriage, but apparently the issues had been building up for a long time before he met me.

He says he doesn't know exactly how long this will take, it could be anywhere between a month to 4/5 months. In the meantime, we agreed we won't be in touch or meet up privately outside of work. So we are effectively stopping all communication/ interaction, until he is free to date.

He understands he can't ask me to wait around for him and in the meantime I could meet someone else, but that is a risk he is willing to take.

So my question is: am I just a stupid OW waiting in the wings? Or is he handling this the correct way? Are we being honest in taking this course of action, or is this still dodgy/ dishonest?

Thanks

I think you're handling this the right way OP by avoiding him and people are being too harsh.

I guess there are one of two options:

1. He never leaves his wife and never meant to and is feeding you a line.
2. He really does feel very strongly for you and fully intends to leave.

If it's one, that's horrible. If it is the second option and you wait around for him and you get together then there are two further things that might happen:

2A: His feelings for you last and develop as you get to know each other
2B: When you're not some fantasy anymore he resents you for the sacrifice he made for you and you're put on a pedestal that is bloody high to fall from

I think the only way to avoid 2B is to give it time. Lots of time. Wait until he's single then spend time together as friends. Then see what develops.

4-5 months, eh?

Pull the other one.

Entertain that and it'll slide into a full-blown affair and your leverage to get him to leave will erode. Don't give him the option. There'll always be a reason you need to be patient.

If he wants to leave her, he leaves. Otherwise you're not only the OW but a damn fool.

He could tell her tonight it's over if he's serious he wants it to end. He isn't and he's hoping you'll both just be unable to control yourselves despite the 'morals' involved.

You can do better, yes?

Yes, you're the other woman.

Have some self-respect and also respect for his wife.

People are entitled to leave marriages if they are not happy, and sometimes they need the security of someone else to go to, even a fantasy version. Fine for him, not so great for you .....

Once single, he will probably want to revert to single life and dating - he will probably keep you ticking over whilst doing so

Emotionally he will be all over the place - not a good prospect for anything long term

His finances will be fucked short term. He will probably push to move in to save on rental costs, meanwhile see points 1 and 2

So from your pov, sure, date him in a year or so, otherwise do yourself a favour

You are already an OW by kissing him and considering waiting. It's already an emotional affair as you are both thinking about getting together.

He's a lying twat. Yes, you're the OW. Can't believe anyone so foolish falls for the tired old BS he fed you but anyone whose response isn't 'fuck off' to a cheating git like this deserves all they get.

He's a cheat, so if you do end up together it's likely he would do the same to you.

And yes, you're just a bit on the side he's got waiting in the wings.

Get some self respect, think of his wife and children and find a single man to go after.

It’s all amicable? Of course it is! She has no idea!

I would stay clear because even if what he is saying is true leaving a marriage and going through the process of divorce is emotionally draining, and I can guarantee that he won't be in the right mental space to be entering a new relationship while ending a long term committed marriage. I think this has the potential to be a disaster for you regarding wasting your time and breaking your heart. I know it's really hard when you like someone and feel a connection, but if I were you, I would step away for everyone involved. If you are meant to be with this person, you will find each other again in the future when his marriage is officially over, and he is in a mentally and emotionally stable and healthy place.

You should get out there and date other people and not hold yourself back waiting for a married person who may or not leave his marriage.

Just for the record, the no sex line can be true. DH and I hadn't touched each other for years before we separated.

The trigger was a rumour of an affair and I realised I was not jealous at all.

Do you really want to start a relationship with a man who has such shitty boundaries though?

I’d say this is a case of ‘as you were’. Keep avoiding him. Keep an open mind about other people. He is still married and is thinking it will be 4-5 months before he moves out. He is not in a position to date anyone else.... unless someone else wants to be the other woman.

I wouldn't go anywhere near a man who'd just left his marriage anyway. You already are the OW, and if you don't want to be you need to tell him to come back when he's been separated for a year (and you'll want confirmation of that from is wife). And continue dating whoever takes your fancy in the meantime.

Hmm, it does generally take around 5 months to sit someone down and say 'it's over'.

C'mon mate. You can't honestly believe him. He's easing you into an affair. His poor wife. I'd put money on their being small children or a pregnant wife behind the scenes.

He's lined you up. He can't deal with himself, so he moves his attention to a new woman. This isn't about his wife; it's about him, and he cannot face it. You're the next diversion.

Live your life as you would anyway and see what happens. That way you have nothing to lose. Always look after yourself and make sure you are not used for free rent etc.. Any man could cheat, I'd not see past behaviour as negatively (in context) as others have.

He thinks the marriage is over, although he says the situation between them is pretty amicable.

He THINKS it is over. So many red flags in your post which others have already pointed out.

I just despair...really I do. Why do so many women think these married men are prizes to be won? What makes these men so great?

I would never go there but I grew up with my parents together so understand how important that family dynamic is. I wonder if women who had more stable upbringings are less likely to chase after taken men.

Yes I know the married men are at fault here but responsibility has to fall at the ow feet too. The ow show very little empathy and that is concerning on a human level.

Yeah,you would be a sort of OW in the wings. I'd do as another poster suggested, and tell him no, you won't wait (cheeky fucker, expecting you to!!) but if and when he's completely single to see if you're single and are still attracted to one another then. And don't wait around. Date, have fun. If its meant to be it will happen.

made him feel alive and helped him realize what was wrong in the marriage

Of course you bloody made him "feel alive" the whinging toddler that he is. He engaged in an illicit sneaky kiss like a school boy.

He wants to avoid seeing each other. fair enough. keep avoiding seeing him.
whether or not he leaves his wife time will tell, but hopefully you will be over him. perhaps this is his way of letting you down gently

Well at the very least he isn tbasking you to go out with him even though he is still married.
He is nit asking you to wait.
He is saying ‘I’m separating. It might take time’ which Tbh is faut enough, esp if there are children involved.

Basically he is doing what most posters are saying you shouod do, which is to first leave your partner.

hahahaha he is setting you up for becoming his next housekeeper! after all, once he has left wifey who will be washing his pants and cooking his dinner? pathetic little man! if he had anything about him he would have left his wife, set himself up in his own place and THEN asked to speak to you! he is hedging his bets.

Tell him to do one, and try finding your moral compass of course your an OW and right now.

safetyfreak the only woman who I have known who seems to actively relish chasing and having affairs with MM is my younger sister. She is one of five sisters and we didn’t have a stable upbringing but she is the only one who behaves like this. As contraversial as it is even as a small child her behaviour was dreadful. A real mischief maker, very clever but has always had a low boredom threshold. She just loves drama. I also agree that it’s the MM that has made the vows and I personally have never had to contend with my DH having an affair so I don’t have an axe to grind but I think OW are appalling.