Does this make me an OW waiting in the wings?

[PhillipaLalla]

Hi all, I'd love some outside perspective on this situation. I am regular on Msn but NCed for this as I am concerned it could be outing.

A couple of months ago I developed a (mutual) crush for a married colleague. There was a drunken kiss and some discussing attraction. I felt really guilty about it, so I did not know how to handle the situation, besides steering clear of him which is what I mostly did ever since.

Recently this man asked to talk to me. He told me he is discussing a separation with his wife, same old story of them having long-term issues and growing apart. He thinks the marriage is over, although he says the situation between them is pretty amicable. He said that he really likes me and would like to explore this mutual attraction when his situation at home is sorted and he is single and free to date. He admits that my arrival on the scene made him feel alive and helped him realize what was wrong in the marriage, but apparently the issues had been building up for a long time before he met me.

He says he doesn't know exactly how long this will take, it could be anywhere between a month to 4/5 months. In the meantime, we agreed we won't be in touch or meet up privately outside of work. So we are effectively stopping all communication/ interaction, until he is free to date.

He understands he can't ask me to wait around for him and in the meantime I could meet someone else, but that is a risk he is willing to take.

So my question is: am I just a stupid OW waiting in the wings? Or is he handling this the correct way? Are we being honest in taking this course of action, or is this still dodgy/ dishonest?

Thanks

Partially, yeah. And I've married and dated someone 10 years older in the past so not an outright judgement on age gap, it's just the sleaze cliché isn't it? Older married man from the office embarks on affair with younger single colleague.

I can almost see the next 4/5 months play out...He suddenly starts going to the gym and wearing skinny jeans and being off/snappy with the DW...DW bewildered asks wtf is going on...DH says he still loves her but isn't sure if he is IN love with her anymore / felt like this for a long time (big fat lie, he's just rewriting history to give himself an out to go shag you but is too cowardly to outright end the marriage)...wife devastated, takes him on his word, arranges counselling, tries harder but it makes no fucking difference because his mind isn't on fixing things, it's on his 'bit of strange'. He'll be going out of his way to court you in the office and no doubt he'll be texting you too. Marriage will eventually implode, either because hell be sufficiently sure he's got his younger model fully lined up or his. DW will have had a titfull and will brokenheartedly kick him out, suspecting an affair by this point that he'll be strenuously denying. DW left devastated comforting upset DC whose lives have been turned upside down while he relives his bachelor youth. Then out your relationship will come from the woodwork a few weeks/months later, presented as if you've just met...cliché cliché cliché. And it's fucking horrible.

If he's genuinely unhappy in his marriage, he'll leave, and keep you out of it. You should get on with your life and stay away from this walking mid-life crisis.

Where did my paragraphs go?!

@frenchonion that's almost exactly what happened to me. Except he was 10 years older and she was 20 years his junior. I was left holding DCs while he moved into a new life that didn't include them.

I wish OP would sound more remorseful, I'm hearing defensiveness. Maybe that's just me.

@frenchonion
Having read subsequent updates - don't go nearhum without a radiation suit. Bleugh. It's textbook affair stuff. Middle aged man leaves family and wife who hasn't got a feckin clue that anything's wrong with the marriage because nothing was wrong with the marriage until he had his head turned by the possibility of shagging a twenty-something year old. Its so ikky. Run a mile.

You summed up my ex husband and his mid life crisis perfectly.

@frenchonion
I can almost see the next 4/5 months play out...He suddenly starts going to the gym and wearing skinny jeans and being off/snappy with the DW...DW bewildered asks wtf is going on...DH says he still loves her but isn't sure if he is IN love with her anymore / felt like this for a long time (big fat lie, he's just rewriting history to give himself an out to go shag you but is too cowardly to outright end the marriage)...wife devastated, takes him on his word, arranges counselling, tries harder but it makes no fucking difference because his mind isn't on fixing things, it's on his 'bit of strange'. He'll be going out of his way to court you in the office and no doubt he'll be texting you too. Marriage will eventually implode, either because hell be sufficiently sure he's got his younger model fully lined up or his. DW will have had a titfull and will brokenheartedly kick him out, suspecting an affair by this point that he'll be strenuously denying. DW left devastated comforting upset DC whose lives have been turned upside down while he relives his bachelor youth. Then out your relationship will come from the woodwork a few weeks/months later, presented as if you've just met...cliché cliché cliché. And it's fucking horrible.

Yep...this too...word for word.

My ex was 40, OW was 29... it does seem like a pattern!

I have no idea why a single childless 29yo woman would want a man in his 40s with all the baggage of an exW and small children. It will be a very difficult road. Surely at your age you’ve got ample time and opportunity to find someone single and your own age?!

Sorry you've lived through this sunshine and smoke

You too tea. And totally agree, why would you insert yourself into a mess like this Op?

frenchonion what you said is so true it’s laughable- right down to the skinny jeans! My ex even got blonde highlights He was, and still is, such a fool trying to relive his younger days.

TeachesI am not carrying on anything until this man is single.

Why would you set your bar so low?
Why the fuck would you wait for this appalling example of man?

@Teaandtoastie My ex was 40, OW was 29... it does seem like a pattern!

Another mid-life crisis ex here. He is 41 and OW mid-twenties. Such a cliche!

Teaches I am not carrying on anything until this man is single. As I said, we've gone NC, we are not meeting up outside of work or anything. So there is no affair.

You are having an emotional affair! Do not discount the role you are playing in this.

Also I am 29 like you, I do not understand why you want a man in his 40s with so much baggage? There are so many single, childless men in their early 30s.

Are you desperate?

I am not carrying on anything until this man is single. As I said, we've gone NC, we are not meeting up outside of work or anything. So there is no affair.

It is an affair because you’re waiting for him to be single. Whether you think you are or not.

@IAmWonderWoman

I agree with you. It's the word "until" that makes it very much an ongoing thing

How many other women do you think he has kissed and flattered with a bit of lip service future faking? A company with a staff of 800+, I doubt you are the only one.

Perhaps you should give a look at the book “Smart Women/Foolish Choices: Finding the Right Men, Avoiding the Wrong Ones” by C. Cowan

OP here's a little thought experiment for you. Invite a friend's little kids for the weekend. Make sure you've never met them before. Before they come, do something really mean like burning their favourite teddy, so that they hate you before they even get there. Then imagine that they're coming to stay every weekend for the foreseeable future. Sound like fun?

To the PPs who say that my current course of action is wrong, what else do you suggest I should do, considering that I already went NC and told this man that I don't want to get involved with him while he is still married?

OP, walk away full stop! You've given him an ultimation to leave his wife, after telling him you have feelings for him. Can't believe you can't see that?

Gruzin I can see that, and I admit that my behaviour has not been right. But I have walked away, I have told him we are not going to be in touch. I am not talking to him or spending any time with him, inside or outside the office.

This is not what I would define an ongoing affair, but I appreciate other people might disagree with me.

i think if he ends his marriage and is a single man i cant see how the op is the OW.

people split up.
and some split because of someone else.
and sometimes - they find happiness and stay together.

i once saw a thread on here asking how many people started out as an affair

the number of namechangers was huge. it happens.

if he does this respectfully and right - or should people just have to stay together forever no matter what?

Almost everyone in this thread has agreed that you are the OW. Whether you care to acknowledge that or not is up to you.

He will come crawling back in a week or so, wanting "to talk". He will fill your head with made up nonsense about how difficult this all is for poor old him. His wife will be unreasonable, or his kid will be sick. There'll be a prebooked holiday that they can't possibly cancel and then some sort of bereavement, followed by a special birthday. There will be a thousand excuses, all of them outside of his control. But he'll still be trying to reel you in. He knows you have feelings for him, you've already told him so. The next little jump will be easy.

You're on very thin ice, don't waste your life with such a loser.

and I admit that my behaviour has not been right. But I have walked away, I have told him we are not going to be in touch

Until he is single though. That's the same as saying 'I will be with you when you leave your wife's

You get your self esteem off the floor, realise he is a dick who was quite happy in his marriage until he got a sniff of you. If you fuck him off, he will be happy in his marriage again.

And you tell him you won't be together, ever. He is a cheater, why would you want him anyway.

You are the OW, as he is leaving his wife for you!

If he has been unhappy in his marriage for a long time, as you state, he would already had left! He is lining you up, before he leaves!

So you’re basically interfering in somebody else’s marriage and being used as an emotional crutch. Why would you want a man like that? Can’t you get your own bloke, you’ve got to go chasing after somebody else’s. Just so you know I’m not saying that but that’s a small example of the backlash you’re going to get from family, friends, his kids. You happy living with that for the rest of your life? Personally, being single I’d not take on somebody with that much baggage. If things were bad then why hasn’t he split already? You really need to read up on this stuff and go see a therapist about boundary setting. He’s using you and you are going along like a naive lap dog. You’re really going to take on all of that emotional baggage? Be responsible for breaking two kids hearts? You happy being a step mum? Have you even properly thought this through?

@PhillipaLalla are you still texting eachother?
This scenario is so common. My exh decided that OW was worth f**ng everything up for me and dc. The whole town laughed at them and were behind me. Times passed and their life isn't so fun after all. I met an amazing man who treats me and dc with upmost respect.
The skinny jeans and new hairstyles thing is so correct 🙄