Does this make me an OW waiting in the wings?

[PhillipaLalla]

Hi all, I'd love some outside perspective on this situation. I am regular on Msn but NCed for this as I am concerned it could be outing.

A couple of months ago I developed a (mutual) crush for a married colleague. There was a drunken kiss and some discussing attraction. I felt really guilty about it, so I did not know how to handle the situation, besides steering clear of him which is what I mostly did ever since.

Recently this man asked to talk to me. He told me he is discussing a separation with his wife, same old story of them having long-term issues and growing apart. He thinks the marriage is over, although he says the situation between them is pretty amicable. He said that he really likes me and would like to explore this mutual attraction when his situation at home is sorted and he is single and free to date. He admits that my arrival on the scene made him feel alive and helped him realize what was wrong in the marriage, but apparently the issues had been building up for a long time before he met me.

He says he doesn't know exactly how long this will take, it could be anywhere between a month to 4/5 months. In the meantime, we agreed we won't be in touch or meet up privately outside of work. So we are effectively stopping all communication/ interaction, until he is free to date.

He understands he can't ask me to wait around for him and in the meantime I could meet someone else, but that is a risk he is willing to take.

So my question is: am I just a stupid OW waiting in the wings? Or is he handling this the correct way? Are we being honest in taking this course of action, or is this still dodgy/ dishonest?

Thanks

Let's have each others' backs, fgs life's hard enough.

This! Don't snog married men.

Go and enjoy life in the single lane. Go on dates with lots of people, enjoy quality time with friends and quiet time alone. If somebody you mistakenly snogged a year ago asks you out, decide of you want to go for a drink with them, then, not 12 months previously. And I say 12 months because that's minimum how long it would need to be for me - 6 months to leave his wife, 6 months of him being single finding himself again or whatever making sure he doesn't go back to wifey so that family and friends don't think you've been the OW and hate your guts, help his kids start to get used to the changes ... in those 12 months am I fuck putting my life on hold, talking to him wistfully about our future together, having an affair with him or anything else - I'm going abut my life enjoying myself without a second thought for him.

Why are some younger woman so flattered when an unavailable, middle aged man with loads of baggage tells them he finds them attractive? It's a bit weird.

OP it sounds like you are doing and saying the right things. So now you just avoid him and let him decide what he’s doing about his life. However if he comes to you in a few months time and says he’s separated, so check that he’s telling the truth! But also ask him how much reflection he’s done on why the marriage failed, top tip - you are looking for him to take responsibility for his own part in it all.
Even if he does become single don’t rush anything, take your time and be cautious.

sofato5miles when I said let's have each others' backs, I didn't mean it quite the way you read it. I meant it in the way Chakira interpreted.

I think it's perfectly understandable for us to "project our fears and want other women policed* if by policed you mean prevented from getting involved with married men (though that's of course impossible, it's down to their conscience).

Though again, I'd add, it's the married person's responsibility.

I interpreted it the same as Chakira.

Also, sometimes, not all, people are genuinely unhappily married. I have just left one myself. TBH, we are only looking forward and, if he has kissed someone else, I don't mind. We have been done for a long time, just weren't admitting it.

Ah got you, sorry!

In my case I reckon we could've worked it out if he hadn't got into a new relationship so fast. However, maybe this is the best outcome... hard isn't it?

Best of luck

@ClimbsEveryMountain if I was in the DW's position and knew that another woman was asking if she was the "OW waiting in the wings", having kissed my husband, discussed the demise of my marriage, the break of up my family, their attraction to each other and the potential or not of a future together, I think I would be clutching a lot more than my pearls in RL.

Whatever had happened beyond the scenario above, I would consider that my husband had been disloyal and emotionally unfaithful with a OW. And that she was the OW. It would have been a massive blow to me and I don't think that's ridiculous at all. I certainly wouldn't be "chalking it up to experience".

So I think it is black and white. OP's behaviour (along with the DH's) could cause a massive amount of upset if it's found out.

Don’t shit where you eat.
It never ends well, for the woman. The man gets a little wink-wink ego boost tittle tattle. I agree with an earlier poster who suggested you take this to hr to get your story in first. This could blow up in so many ways aka unintended consequences. Being titled the OW might be the least of your worries.

Thank you Fotheringhay. Even ending an unhappy marriage is exhausting emotionally. Never mind being jealous and threatened by someone else. That must be incredibly hard.

I'd find that speech deeply unattractive.

All what the above have said, this guy doesn’t much like the idea of leaving with no one of interest there in the background, tell him you will see at the point he has been on his own 6 months

I'll bet my bottom dollar that their marriage is perfectly fine and dandy, and the wife knows nothing about any supposed separation at all.

He's playing the waiting game and in a few weeks' time he will be trying to reel you in. It will be all "Oh, this is taking so long, can't wait till I move out, so sorry to keep you waiting, have to sort things out for the children.... why don't we go out for a drink, you know? To just talk" etc etc etc.

Get rid now, and find someone who isn't semi-detached.

It's most likely rubbish.

I fell for something similar when I was younger. He bumbled along with his partner, it was never the right time but used me for ego boosts, sexting and talking about the future. When I finally copped on, cut contact and began dating somebody else he got serious. All of a sudden he found the balls to end his relationship and want to go public and serious with me.

I realised too late that if he'd wanted to leave her he could have, anytime. Plus I'd be feeling sick everytime his phone beeped or he was 'out with clients' because I knew how comfotable he was with deceit.

Your guy could be the exception though.

Honestly I think they only thing you can do is keep your distance, get busy with your own life. If he contacts you in the future to say he's single then take it from there... slowly.

@Philippa, gather your self-respect and completely walk away from this chancer.

Kissed
Admitted mutual attraction
Crossed line and spoke with him after ‘steering clear’
Discussed his wife and marriage
Considering exploring mutual attraction

You are involved in his betrayal of his unsuspecting wife. Why are you willing to settle for so little?

you haven’t done anything and aren’t doing anything. So - it’s not on you.

Absolute bullshit. So far, OP has (to quote another pp):
kissed my husband, discussed the demise of my marriage, the break of up my family, their attraction to each other and the potential or not of a future together
Part of the very description of emotional affairs with some physical element, as explained in many sources on infidelity. Of course OP has done something. Noone forced her to kiss that married man.

Good luck you've been told the oldest lines in the book.

Hope you have eyes in the back of your head.

I am nearly 30, he is very early 40s (intentionally being vague to ensure this is not too outing). Of course he is. It's like sleazeball bingo.

Having read subsequent updates - don't go nearhum without a radiation suit. Bleugh. It's textbook affair stuff. Middle aged man leaves family and wife who hasn't got a feckin clue that anything's wrong with the marriage because nothing was wrong with the marriage until he had his head turned by the possibility of shagging a twenty-something year old. Its so ikky. Run a mile.

Go for it enjoy , but don't expect it to last.

And what if the DW wanted out and had been hoping her DH pulled the plug rather? (just an objective question?).

Drunken kiss? Well, can be forgiven.

OP, just move on with your life, jeez you're so young, enjoy being single and mingle with the singles. Don't waste your time/ life waiting ( which you've made clear to him), but if somewhere along the line fate brought you both together after his divorce, then fine.

Having said the above, are you comfortable still working in same environment as him? What's the possibility of a transfer or maybe job search somewhere else?

Having said the above, are you comfortable still working in same environment as him? What's the possibility of a transfer or maybe job search somewhere else?

I am comfortable working in the same environment as him, as we work in a 800+ people office in completely different departments and areas of the building. It is pretty easy to avoid him, if I want to.

frenchonion do you think this is sleazeball stuff just because he is 10 years older than me or for other reasons?

Phillipa- Reading your responses it doesn’t really look like you’ve taken on board what the majority are saying. Reckon you’ll carry on regardless with no shits given about the wife or family.

Teaches I am not carrying on anything until this man is single. As I said, we've gone NC, we are not meeting up outside of work or anything. So there is no affair.

Yes. He’s ending his marriage over the excitement of dating someone else. It would be very very stupid to date him.