Does this make me an OW waiting in the wings?

[PhillipaLalla]

Hi all, I'd love some outside perspective on this situation. I am regular on Msn but NCed for this as I am concerned it could be outing.

A couple of months ago I developed a (mutual) crush for a married colleague. There was a drunken kiss and some discussing attraction. I felt really guilty about it, so I did not know how to handle the situation, besides steering clear of him which is what I mostly did ever since.

Recently this man asked to talk to me. He told me he is discussing a separation with his wife, same old story of them having long-term issues and growing apart. He thinks the marriage is over, although he says the situation between them is pretty amicable. He said that he really likes me and would like to explore this mutual attraction when his situation at home is sorted and he is single and free to date. He admits that my arrival on the scene made him feel alive and helped him realize what was wrong in the marriage, but apparently the issues had been building up for a long time before he met me.

He says he doesn't know exactly how long this will take, it could be anywhere between a month to 4/5 months. In the meantime, we agreed we won't be in touch or meet up privately outside of work. So we are effectively stopping all communication/ interaction, until he is free to date.

He understands he can't ask me to wait around for him and in the meantime I could meet someone else, but that is a risk he is willing to take.

So my question is: am I just a stupid OW waiting in the wings? Or is he handling this the correct way? Are we being honest in taking this course of action, or is this still dodgy/ dishonest?

Thanks

Same old excuses. Man with wife and small kids finds life boring and hard work. Along comes a single woman with loose enough morals to have a drunken snog, he suddenly feels he's missing out, his marriage is awful, and he wants the excitement of a new partner to liven up his life. How many of us have been on the wife's side of this? Yes, I was amicable too, because I had no idea what dp was planning, or was up to behind my back! I highly doubt she'd be feeling so 'amicable' if she knew he'd already kissed you and was lining you up for later. Neither would he get such a good deal finance and access wise when they separated. I despise ppl who do things like that behind their partners back. Do you really think he'd treat you any better? Do you think he's do taken with you on the basis of one drunken kiss, that he's going to leave an 'amicable' wife and kids? Nope. I think he's more taken by the idea of playing around than you specifically. And yes. You messed with a married man. You are an OW.

Well, in some ways I am him. And I am completely genuine and it takes time to dismantle a relationship, and if I had the conversation with the OM I would probably say similar things to him. At the moment I am sticking my head in the sand. It may well be that his partner also wants out, but they have had a long relationship and there are things to talk about and even if you both want out it is still painful, and it taking 4 or 5 months sounds perfectly feasible to me.

My case is a bit different in that there has been no drunken kiss. I avoid him.

Just carry on living your life, create distractions for yourself and see what happens. If he gets single and asks you out, think about it then.

Feel free to feel guilty about the kiss (as that was wrong) but it was just the once and you haven't entered into an affair and it sounds like he is trying to do the right thing.

One of the things that I really respect about my single, 40 something SIL is that she has had a few married men try to get off with/ date her and as soon as she gets a whiff of it she tells them to FO. Other women lack integrity unfortunately.

A friend of mine spent over 20 years of her life waiting for her married man to leave his wife - which he was always going to do after Christmas, next year, when the kids are a bit older, once they've done their GCSEs, etc. etc. etc.
And then he died.

At least he is looking to leave her before he starts something permanent. Whether or not you want to wait for him is up to you. But certainly don’t get drawn in to “I’m leaving next week”

To answer your question, yes. Of course you are. and you’ve fallen hook line and sinker for this guy’s bs. His poor wife.

Also *

• I made it very clear that I have no intention to start a full-blown affair with him, and that we should leave it here until he is single*. He has children. Even if you start this affair immediately after he leaves, if he does, you will always be seen as the OW and technically speaking, until he’s divorced, it will be an adulterous relationship. This has disaster written all over it.

Get some self respect and don’t entangle yourself with a cheating married man with kids.

Yeah soz but he was cheating when he kissed you. I am also not overly impressed by the chivalry of leaving his wife first, his communication here smacks of 'i think you are ripe for my rebound shag, im testing that out by telling you how alive i feel with you, seeing if you're desperate enough to hang around til im ready for sex. Thanks.'

Tell him you're not interested. There is then no impetus for him to leave his wife and he could suddenly change his mind about leaving her. You will get the answer you want about whether he is telling the truth....

If he leaves his wife and then you're both single then go for it (if you want).

Are you single OP?

Before being on MN I would never have thought to even ask that, but there have been several threads on here along the lines of "X happened around Christmas and now I'm considering an affair with a married colleague" where everyone assumes the OP is single and then on page 6 or so it turns out she's married with kids herself. So just checking.

I wrote my post above before seeing the update about the children. I think that makes a difference (huge difference) but not to you now, as the advice is still to get on with your life.

Thing is if what he’s saying is actually true then there wouldn’t be any need to say it 🤷‍♀️

I am single and no kids myself.

OP going against the tide here.

My best friend could have been the guy in your post around 17 years ago. He said the exact same thing to someone he met through work. Hes marriage had been in trouble for a while (everyone knew by their behaviour). It took him around 6 months to fully separate from his then wife because they had 2 young children.

He didnt date till a year after he left. Him and his work colleague were friends during this time, then began dating and are now happily married with 2 children. I do think for him, when he met her he realised what was missing in his marriage. It worked out for him. He is so much happier, he is the friend I knew - his marriage made him very unhappy. He took 6 months as he tried to help and support his wife (for example looking after the children in the evenings whilst his wife went out). If you asked him now I'm very confident that he would say he made the right decision even though financially he took a huge hit, he had to stay with me for a bit and then his parents, eventually he got his own place.

I do think on this site, you will get of people who have been the wife in this situation (and understandably upset and hurt from their situation). But essentially this guy is doing what everyone says, ending a relationship before starting another. If I was you I would carry on dating other people, once he is separated you could be friends (but I would make sure nothing like a drunken kiss could happen) and take it from there. He could be a bullshitter or could be being honest - only you know the answer to that.

You are encouraging him to leave his wife and family by the very nature of the conversations that you're having with him. Telling him that you won't embark on an affair can be dressed up as being very noble on the surface (and is your attempt of absolving yourself of any guilt), but what you're actually doing is encouraging him to leave. Once he's "single" then you will happily embark on a relationship with him. You are implicit in his marriage breaking up.

It's hard to explain just how devastating it is to lose the man you love, trust and have built your life around for decades. When you've done nothing wrong.

Everything feels broken, and not just broken but irreplaceable. And there's so little shame on the man, it's so easy for them to walk away.

Women age, and we become more mature and serious with responsibility over time. But we don't deserve this.

If his marriage ends, the blame is entirely on him, but please stay away from him until his is legally single. I second the idea of telling him you're not interested, to see if he would still actually end it.

But really, how could you ever trust him?

My friend was the OW.
Her partner moved in with her and they lived together for more than 30 years but didn't get married because his first wife was a staunch Catholic and refused to divorce him.
He had a heart attack and died suddenly within 3 months of my friend retiring from work.
Wife took over and arranged the funeral. My friend wasn't even allowed to attend as legally, she was not his next of kin and wife was very possessive, even after 30 years apart!
Friend received no financial benefits so suddenly on her own, in her sixties living in a rented flat on a small pension.
I had no idea that they weren't married until after he'd died. They seemed the perfect loving couple.

How do you feel about entertaining his children every other week-end and during the school holidays? You can't just pretend they don't exist. Are you prepared for them to hate you at first and for him to constantly be trying to break plans to appease them?

Don't be a mug OP and make sure you go into this with your eyes wide open.

I know that breakups don't happen as they do in tv dramas, with characters separating, packing a bag, getting into a taxi and staring wistfully into the middle distance as it drives away, all in the space of half a day. However, I think that 4/5 months is an inexplicably long timeframe. Most people could sort themselves out with somewhere to live within a week. Some of the responses on here have been a little OTT but I'll be honest, I'm concerned that he's playing you OP and that you'll wait to no avail.

And building a life with a man who's newly apart from his children and feeling sad/guilty - that won't be easy, you'll need a lot of patience and inner resource. Surely a relationship with a single guy (or one who's been separated or widowed for some time) would be simpler in this regard?

Gosh this is text book stuff. Don't fall for it. It doesn't take a week to five months to separate. I was the 'wife' in this scenario (although we weren't married, it was a LTR) and as soon as I found out there was something going on with the OW...despite her saying she had no interest (total lies) as he wasn't 'currently single'...we split. It took one night. If he's going to leave his wife for you, he can do that right now, but it sounds like he is just 'hedging his bets' so to speak, with you. There may be some people who have gone off into the sunset happily ever after, but the reality is (from friends who have been the OW) it is long term guilt and lack of trust which eventually eats away at the relationship.

Fact is, you kissed a married man, knew he was married and have discussed your tentative future together. You are the OW waiting in the wings. Not a great start to a relationship, OP.

My ex-OH and his OW are now having to constantly lie to work colleagues and family after the damage they did, as they both bare faced lied that that was nothing going. They were just fwends...apparently. Their little plan of him quietly ending it with me (and blaming me for the relationship going to shit) and then getting together after a sensible gap of a few months hasn't worked. I suspect this is what your MM has in mind with his wife.

In all honesty, having been the wife/partner cheated on in this scenario, I would have much rather my ex had the balls to be honest and say "sorry, I've met someone else" rather than lie. It would be the same amount of hurt inflicted, but a year less of emotional abuse and gaslighting I endured. It would be interesting to know what his wife's take is on all of this. Think on about that.

Op, how old are you?

I say this as someone who was completely suckered in by a couple of men in my 20s and 30s..... Don't be me. Tell him you are not interested and get on with your life. There are a shocking lot of liars out there (men and women!). Lots of tales of woe on MN hence the reason why so many of speak sense.

Why as a single child free woman would you even think of encouraging the advances of a married man with a family?
You had a drunken kiss, move on and avoid.

I am nearly 30, he is very early 40s (intentionally being vague to ensure this is not too outing).

I would do what the poster above is saying and carry on dating other people and push this to the back of your mind. If he is genuinely single down the line, and if you happen to be single at the same time, then of course you could see what happens. But in this sort of situation often what the man has done is tried to do enough to mess with your head for his own benefit, hoping that you'll wait around and won't see anyone else - or feel able to commit to seeing anyone else - while he sorts himself out. It wouldn't surprise me if you find him "just checking in with you" in spite of your agreement about no communication over the next few months.

Other thing I'd think about though is that even if he's telling the truth and the end of his marriage is relatively amicable, that is a massive amount of emotional baggage to take on in a new relationship. It'd be so much easier to find a nice single man who doesn't have all that. The start of a relationship should be a happy, fun, exciting time ideally - not messy and potentially difficult and painful like this promises to be.

Christ, you're gullible aren't you. I bet you still believe in santa.

That was exactly the same as me! He was in the throes of getting divorced when we started going out. It was the worst relationship of my life.... The wife hated me. He had the kids every weekend. Everything was centred on them and I always came a very sad second. He turned out to be a massive liar and a cheat.

It took me several years to get over the experience. When you're in your 30s that's not great as the clock is ticking.....

Get on with your life. Don't hold out for this one. I very much doubt he will be worth it.

PhillipaLalla Tue 29-Jan-19 09:53:45
I am nearly 30, he is very early 40s (intentionally being vague to ensure this is not too outing).

It's honestly not going to be outing because this scenario is so incredibly common. The things he's said to you sound like they come from a script, which is why a lot of posters like me no doubt sound like we're being cynical. It's just that for every, "I had a friend and this is how they got together and they're still married 10 years later" anecdote, I think "remember X, who hung about until she was mid 30s waiting for Y who never left his wife and she missed out on so much".