Does this make me an OW waiting in the wings?

[PhillipaLalla]

Hi all, I'd love some outside perspective on this situation. I am regular on Msn but NCed for this as I am concerned it could be outing.

A couple of months ago I developed a (mutual) crush for a married colleague. There was a drunken kiss and some discussing attraction. I felt really guilty about it, so I did not know how to handle the situation, besides steering clear of him which is what I mostly did ever since.

Recently this man asked to talk to me. He told me he is discussing a separation with his wife, same old story of them having long-term issues and growing apart. He thinks the marriage is over, although he says the situation between them is pretty amicable. He said that he really likes me and would like to explore this mutual attraction when his situation at home is sorted and he is single and free to date. He admits that my arrival on the scene made him feel alive and helped him realize what was wrong in the marriage, but apparently the issues had been building up for a long time before he met me.

He says he doesn't know exactly how long this will take, it could be anywhere between a month to 4/5 months. In the meantime, we agreed we won't be in touch or meet up privately outside of work. So we are effectively stopping all communication/ interaction, until he is free to date.

He understands he can't ask me to wait around for him and in the meantime I could meet someone else, but that is a risk he is willing to take.

So my question is: am I just a stupid OW waiting in the wings? Or is he handling this the correct way? Are we being honest in taking this course of action, or is this still dodgy/ dishonest?

Thanks

OP, so you are 29 and he is in his 40s, married with 2 kids.

Really, do not go there. This will not enhance your life, there are so many men out there, he is not some prize worth winning. Get out there and get on with your life and forget about this walking cliche, you are worth so much more.

I would move on. The truth is he'll never leave her and if you wait around he'll try and break you down. You'll sleep with him and then suddenly he has his cake and eating it.

If he is unhappy in his marriage he should leave regardless,

But essentially this guy is doing what everyone says, ending a relationship before starting another
He started another when he kissed someone who wasn't his wife.

Also, 28/29 is such a great age! Lots of decent men out there without any baggage. It gets harder as you get into your 30s!!!

Same age gap as my ex and his OW. Funny that.

I don't like to generalise, especially when it come to gender, but I have heard of so many men hitting 40, suddenly feeling bored with their life (that they chose) and moving on to a younger women who is so much more exciting than their wives because they don't have children and offer that 'freedom' they crave, away from mundane family life.

Old as time, just don't be his mid life crisis.

@Sunshineandflipflops I often see 28/29 as the age that women get suckered in to this sort of relationship with a 40 something. I wonder if it's because in their early twenties a young woman would be, "f* off - you're MARRIED... you've got children, no way!" as that can just seem like an alien, messy world when you're that young. But at 29 you're starting to realise that relationships can come with baggage, you've been through a bit yourself, and that the idea of children isn't so many moons away. I dunno. I just seem to see this age, and the guy in his 40s as one of the most common scenarios.

That age gap doesn't seem much just now, but how do you feel about you being 49 and him approaching 65? Does he seem so exciting and sexy now?

Those two kids of his will take up at least half his weekends (and they'll be in your home with you), possibly a night or two per week, and at least one of his holidays a year. Guess where you are in the pecking order? It doesn't take too long to find exhausted and resentful second partners on MN. Even if you absolutely adore the kids and they don't take Mum and Dad's split out on you, they will dominate your relationship (quite rightly). You need to be honest with yourself about that, especially if you want your own children.

To answer your question, no he's not handling this the right way. If he wants to separate from his wife, he needs to do so without trying to line things up with others.

If he doesn't expect you to wait, why even mention it?!

Tell him you want only a platonic relationship with him. Tell him that out of respect for his wife he needs to stop discussing his marriage with others.

Then I think you need to block him.

You're only an OW waiting in the wings if you wait in the wings.

I agree with this:
You kissed him and discussed your mutual feelings for each other whilst he was still very much married with a family. You are the OW. You just can't polish that turd. That is what you are.

You should be ashamed.

You were already the OW.

Presumably you have much better dating options than someone who treats his wife this way.

Oh come on. The OP flirted and kissed a married man and regrets it. She's come on here because he's now trying to bamboozle her into a full-flown affair and her instincts are telling her it's dodgy. Enough with the flogging.

You have unleashed a collective MN wrath on yourself. I think it’s because there are many MNttera here that are in that age group, with kids and people imagine themselves as being that W....

However - you haven’t done anything and aren’t doing anything. So - it’s not on you.

No one here knows his home situation. No one can tell you if what he said is true and what will happen.

Sure - the kiss was a mistake. But since then you both stayed away from each other and it didn’t turn into an affair - neither physical nor emotional.

And YES - he is doing the right thing that MN says he should do. Ending one relationship before embarking on a new one.
And he did a normal human thing - called communication.

You don’t have to wait for him. You can leave your life and date others. And - if he does leave her and you are available - then you can decide if you want to date.

And it does take time leaving the family - and untangling yourself. It’s not a one day thing.

But he’s testing the waters. He hasn’t gone to OP and said, It’s over. I’m a free agent. He’s gone to her before. Reeks of deceit!

Don't just wait till he is single, or separated.

Wait until the divorce is through.

Don't start a relationship with him while he's married.

There’s plenty of single people in the world, why choose the married man?

Sorry to say this OP, but I just don't buy his discussion, his "offer" and the reasons for it.
Being a suspicious person, I think that he started this dialogue with you, in an attempt to start an affair now, not in 4/5 months or whether he leaves his wife or not.
He knows that you are attracted to hm and now he's got you thinking about and imagining actually getting together with him. That's what the point of the discussion was. Planting an idea to see how you would take it. It was an opener and if you said I'll wait, he'd know he's got the all clear from you - but crucially can claim to have been honest and up front about no real promises etc.
This discussion, true or not, has advanced your relationship beyond the kiss and into the realms of it being possible that you both might consider an affair. That is what this is about. Nothing to do with waiting 4/5 months. Everything to do with picturing the scene and getting you in the right place to consider it.
I predict that, even though no contact has been agreed, he will pop back in a week or two, to continue or update this interesting discussion on the hope that you will weaken and start the proper affair there and then.
I am sorry, but I feel all this is a tactic.
He is a con man.
Look at it this way, you have nothing to lose by saying I want no part in your break up. No more discussion please.
Because presumably he could still contact you if and when he was genuinely single.

If he were "doing the right thing" he would have ended his marriage before kissing you in the first place. After that mistake, if genuinely unhappy in the marriage, he should have ended it without speaking to you, and come to you once he was properly separated (ie separate finances, homes, contact with kids sorted etc).

As it is, he is expecting you to wait for him. He says he isn't, but there really is no reason to tell you anything unless he actually is wanting that. Not only is that a shit thing to do to his wife, it shows a lack of respect for you.

I'd tell him to jog on.

and that we should leave it here until he is single.

And there it is that's just a different way of giving hi. An ultimatum.

I would be telling him that you have no idea wether you would want to be with him even if single. Don't give him any promises.

I could not be the reason someone left their wife and he is leaving because he thinks he has a chance with you. You cut off that chance and I bet he won't leave.

My Dp had left his wife when I met him, definitely 100% left her. But only recently, I fancied him but stayed away while they resolved issues between them because i felt he needed to stay split or get back together with her (whatever they wanted) without me being a consideration.

@PhillipaLalla
My advice is stay off forums like MN when you are in a pickle.

Honestly, in RL, I don't know a single person who would clutch their pearls and say the things that have been said here.

It's so easy to be a keyboard warrior when it's all anon.

Most people in RL I know- and that means my friends and family aged 30-ish to 90+ - so we're talking experience of life with the older ones- would just tell you to chalk up the kiss as a bit of a mistake, when drink and passion got the better of you, and move on.

No one would call you the OW for that.

It's ridiculous .

For some reason this forum is full of women who see life in stark black and white and love nothing more than to criticise other women for daring to put one foot out of line.

You sound a very sensible person. You know it's wrong which is why you have not continued what could have become an affair.

Wish him well with his marriage- he has children so it deserves his best shot- and then put it to bed.

If, in the future he seeks you out, fine, but don't put your life on hold.
As others have said, you could have become the Exit Affair but that doesn't mean you would be who he ended up with once he was single and had many other options.

Op
It can work like that.

I am with someone now that made me realise my marriage was over.

Without doing things the wrong way I took a leap of faith and so did he.

We've been together a number of years now.

It can work. Just be careful. Is it lust or something deeper?

I don't think a single kissmakes you the OW and if he leaves then you aren't anyway.

There were no children however for me or my dp to factor in to our decision.

Actually to me it is black and white.

If for example you kissed my husband and worse discussed a potential future with him whilst knowing he was married I would consider you the other woman.

Don't get me wrong he would be the one I would consider had failed me and I would understand you owe me nothing but you would still be the other woman.

Agree stayathome

And I really think that the vast majority here would judge the husband - who actually made the promise in the first place - infinitely more than the OW.

I don't blame 'my' OW, I blame my pathetic DH. But having said that, he couldn't have done what he did without an OW.

Let's have each others' backs, fgs life's hard enough.

Let's have each others' backs, fgs life's hard enough.

I was trying to put my finger on the majority of replies and there it is. Many PP are project their fears and want other women policed.

Sounds similar to a situation i found myself in. I was late 20s and chronically single. He was a work colleague who i really liked and was clever and funny, late 30s, recently married with 2 kids.

We were both drunk one night on a works do. He told me he was in love with me, blah blah. He was manoeuvred into marriage due to his kids, loves his kids but looking to leave the marriage as didn't love wife blah blah. Wouldn't expect anything from me, respected me too much blah blah. Just waiting for the right moment to leave his wife so nobody too hurt. I didn't go along with anything, but was very tempted as i really liked him and was so sick of being single.

That was in 2001. He is still with his wife.

I think it's quite easy to be 'black and white' when you have been the wife in this situation to be honest. I mostly blame my exh but I also blame the OW - she is not an innocent in all of this. She knew he was married and had met me and our children. She may be younger than his but she is still a grown adult.
Most married wouldn't see their dh's kissing another women as a 'drunken one off'. I imagine this would end many marriages and families.