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Original poster

How would you feel about this? A bit on the long side....

218 replies

Yorkiegirl · 03/09/2004 19:22

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anorak · 03/09/2004 19:26

She is bang out of order. It sounds obvious to me that she is looking to start something with him again. I know he is trying to be nice, but the only right thing to do is to tell her to stop contacting him. Anything less is disrespectful to you.

vict17 · 03/09/2004 19:29

I think it's up to your dh to tell her though not you. It's not fair on you for him to be Mr Nice Guy while you have to put your foot down with her. Make him do it!

coppertop · 03/09/2004 19:38

Agree he needs to stop being Mr Nice Guy and tell her that these texts and hanging around him is just not on. Making out that it's only you that minds will probably egg her on even more.

Pagan · 03/09/2004 19:41

It should definitely come from him with HIM saying that HE does not think her behaviour is very appropriate or very respectful.

JJ · 03/09/2004 19:42

This happened to me (well, my husband didn't hide it -- I'd have been furious with him) with my husband's ex fiance. We were still engaged, not yet married. She'd call and invite him to do stuff, just the two of them and even once actually said that she'd rather I didn't come to some Christmas cocktails! At that point, I made him tell her that any time he saw her, I'd have to be invited also, because he didn't think it was appropriate. And after I explained to him what she was doing, he really didn't think it was appropriate. The invitations quickly tapered off.

It's up to your husband to sort out this woman and tell you the complete truth. He's being dishonest about it and he should deal with it.

codswallop · 03/09/2004 19:43

its inapprorpiate behaviour for a single woman to make arrnagemne t to meet a married man for luncha nd for it to be a secret

thasts it

sportyspice · 03/09/2004 19:55

I would be inclined to tell her politely to back off and i'd also be extremely annoyed with dh for not being more abrupt with her.

charliecat · 03/09/2004 19:56

Its also inappropriate for him to change the name on his phone so it looks like its someone else whos texting/ringing. Id love to know what was going on in his head when he did that.
The fact he said "My wife..." isnt good either.
Id be livid.

scrumpy · 03/09/2004 19:57

Yorkiegirl...it is totally inappropriate and I would speak to her about it.

My dh xwife texted him a few months ago and suggested an affair...and they had numerous text conversations...I found out after seeing my dh sent messages about 20 in all to the x. It caused a whole host of problems.. I was fuming/upset/hurt..had it out with xwife on phone and told her it was not on and also told dh it was pathetic. It has caused us problems but we are over it now. Makes it more difficult that dh. has a child with her so we remain amicable for the childs sake as would never want to hurt dh relationship with him.

My dh said there was never anything in it...so why did he not tell me about it. My advice is put an end to it now...other people might say ignore it as its harmless but I still dwell on it now.

hth

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 03/09/2004 20:02

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StickyNote · 03/09/2004 20:07

I had a very similar situation with my DH's ex girlfriend contacting him on and off over the first four years of our relationship. There was never any mention of me, even when we were living together. One time, it very nearly split us up because he'd been meeting her for lunch "just as friends" but he'd not told me because he didn't want to hurt me!! The only thing that redeemed him slightly in my eyes was that he'd spoken to a mate about it and the mate had advised him not to tell me, as there was nothing in it "and she'd never believe you".

I think deep down, my DH didn't strongly discourage her because he was flattered and also because he did actually like her as a friend and felt quite sad that they couldn't stay friends. However, when I put my foot down VERY firmly, he put a stop to it and as far as I know, hasn't had any contact with her since.

I'm afraid I still refer to her as the bunny boiler .

scrumpy · 03/09/2004 20:09

Yorkiegirl...dont know all your circumstances but my dh received a bit of an ego boost when x texted him. My ds was 18 weeks old, life revolved around the baby, stepson was a handful...our time together was minimal things had yet to return to normal in the bedroom department due to complications after ds born, I think she knew this and knew things were a bit difficult and that is when she made the suggestion, it does not excuse my dh behaviour of repling to texts and massaging her ego but at another time I know he would not of bothered. I felt much better after I had it out with them both as far as I know its stopped.

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 03/09/2004 20:10

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scrumpy · 03/09/2004 20:19

I asked dh to phone her and explain it was inappropriate and that it had caused us problems. Initially she told him where to get off and slammed phone down. Then recontacted and after speaking to dh I then spoke to her. At first she was very defensive suggesting I was insecure and that nothing had happened it was harmless etc I suggested that maybe in her life those type of things were harmless ie shall we have an affair etc but I found it inappropriate/shallow and totally disrespectful. I also added that I always treatedher child like my own when he stayed putting myself out for him taking him places when dh at work always being complimentary about her I felt as if I had been kicked in the teeth and they were laughing at me. Eventually I had an apology and she stated it was inappropriate and it would not happen again she even had the nerve to tell me she was no threat and my dh was the least likliess person to have an affair!! as if I wanted to hear that from her. Incidentally my dh and her had been separated for 4 years before I got with him.

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 03/09/2004 22:16

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joanneg · 03/09/2004 22:27

I think that your dh is married to you and his loyalty should be to you. It could be any woman he was sneaking around with ex girlfriend, woman from work, mother teresa - anybody at the end of the day it is for him to act appropriately towards you. Therefore he should sort this situation out and straighten out his priorities. I am not saying that anything is going on with this other girl, the point is if she were getting no attention from him she would soon bugger off.

Tell him to delete her number, get his priorities in check and stop all the sneaky stuff.

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 03/09/2004 22:29

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hoxtonchick · 03/09/2004 22:31

She sounds like a silly cow Yorkiegirl. Could you ring her from his phone? Ooooh, I'm angry on your behalf. Hope it's sorted soon.

charliecat · 03/09/2004 22:33

OMG, Poor you. Drown the phone in the bath and get him a new one and spit in her eye the next time you see her.

Blu · 03/09/2004 22:36

I wouldn't like the 'can you get away...I'll book somewhere' at all. I think you need to be having this out with him, and what the f* is going on, not with her. She is a so-and-so of the first and worst order - but why is he responding to her like this? He needs to show some strength and honesty either to you about what on earth is going on, or to her and stop allowing her to behave like this.
Sorry, Yorkiegirl, how horrible.

millipede · 03/09/2004 22:38

Why don't you call her, say you know that she's been trying to arrange a meal, and can you organise a time and date to meet for the three of you to catch up?!! Can you imagine her being forced to sit through a meal with the 2 of you!!

Chinchilla · 03/09/2004 23:01

Sorry, I'm going to be blunt here...your dh does not sound totally innocent in all this. Maybe he is just flattered, but saving her number under another name is not to save your feelings, more like to hide the calls.

It is unlikely that a man cornered is going to admit his guilt straight off, when he can say it is all the other woman's fault. It sounds as if she is really sure of herself in all this, so where is she getting that feeling from if your dh is not encouraging her?

Your dh needs to cut off ALL contact with her, because it is obvious that she can never be just friends with him, and it is not likely that you feel many warm feelings towards her!

I hope that I am wrong. Sorry if what I have said is too upsetting. I just don't think it is worth pussyfooting around

almost40 · 04/09/2004 02:50

Hi YG, I went through a similar situation, except that the ex was also married, and at the time, I was pregnant (I think a worse situation than yours actually). Your DH needs to tell this woman to back off and stop contacting him. That's it. I agree with most posts here. His getting you involved and saying that you are the one who wants this is a complete wimpy pansy thing to do. In addition, it shows a lack of respect for you and your marriage. If she doesn't mean anything to him, he shouldn't care about losing her as a friend or whatever. What matters is how you feel in this - if he cares about you and your marriage. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you have to take a firm line with these types of things. The people who count in your marriage are you and him.

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 04/09/2004 07:34

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Freckle · 04/09/2004 07:58

Why get a new phone? Can't you just block her number? And I agree that the impetus in ending this "connection" must come from your dh. If she sees it as you ending the contact, she'll feel that he still has feelings for her and will try again. He has to do it in such a way that there is no room for misinterpretation.