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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel about this? A bit on the long side....

218 replies

Yorkiegirl · 03/09/2004 19:22

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OP posts:
incognito1 · 16/04/2005 14:57

If this was the 1st time I would give the benefit of the doubt but it is more likely the contact never really stopped(Sorry)so this time round you really need to get it sorted

cod · 16/04/2005 14:58

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bubbly1973 · 16/04/2005 14:58

yg....did he tell you that she has rang him in work? how did you find that bit of info out, i know he said that she texted him but how did you know about the phone calls?

munz · 16/04/2005 14:58

ooh actually a fave one would be if u could have his phone for a few days - I don't know make some reason up why u need it, and see if she ring/s texts. I know it's decitful and not normally somehting I would encourage but then u'd know. of course that would back fire if he knew her number by heart and rang her, which again begs the question why would he know her number by heart?

bubbly1973 · 16/04/2005 15:00

i would do what munz said just as he is about to leave the door to go for a walk in the park so that he cant ring from office phone to warn her that you have phone!

feelingold · 16/04/2005 15:05

If he has not yet confronted this girl to tell her to get lost and stop contacting him, or changed his number I would be really worried. I am sorry if this bluntness upsets you but I had a problem like this when my ex-h had an affair, he told me he had finished it but she kept texting him and because he didn't put a stop to it and refused to change his phone I found this very suspicious and later found out he was still seeing her. I could not figure out when he could be seeing her, I always knew where he was, or so I thought. He would take 1/2 a day holiday without telling me and spend the afternoon with her, or instead of doing the overtime he was supposed to be doing on a saturday morning he would be with her and sometimes even in his lunch break. His mate (who he was supposed to go to the gym with 1 night per week) covered for him by still keeping up the pretence he still went with him.
I am not saying you dh is having an affair I am just saying that knowing how much his contact with this girl upsets you, why isn't he putting a stop to it himself or taking you with him to sort it out??
Tell him it has to stop now as you can not go on like this, he may not be having an affair but by carrying on with the texting and the lying he is betraying you and your children. Good luck and I hope you can get this sorted out soon for your own peace of mind.

cod · 16/04/2005 18:33

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bosscat · 16/04/2005 18:43

this sounds very fishy to me too. Have you thought about seeing her face to face? I think I would be tempted to march in and ask her why she is calling my husband so much, does she know he has children and a wife, can't she find an unmarried man to stalk etc. I might do this at her place of work actually. I know he should do it too but I'd be so furious at her. What does she think she's playing at? does she have no respect? I think you need to be more suspicious and less trusting.

munz · 16/04/2005 18:54

bosscat's more or less said what I was skirting around!

WideWebWitch · 16/04/2005 19:13

Hmm, I'd be suspicious too I think yg, mainly because of the timing of your asking had he heard from her and lo and behold yes he has a short while later. I do think he needs to be the one to tell her to bog off, not you. I also think he must have encouraged her to an extent, surely, for her to still be hanging around, calling. Either that or he is having a relationship with her. I hope I'm way off though. Getting his phone for a few days sounds like a great idea - the minute you have hold of his texts you'll know I think.

Socci · 16/04/2005 19:17

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Moomin · 16/04/2005 19:34

His reaction to your asking for his phone would be very revealing in itself. If he's got nothing to hide he'll hand it over. If he has got sg to hide I bet he makes up some kind of excuse for you not to have it. I'm afraid I'd be a bit more sneaky, as asking for his phone might alert him to something and he could warn her (assuming the worst of course, that he is up to sg with this girl).

I'd actually nick the phone when he left it lying round, turn it onto silent then hide it. That way you can check it regularly and he won't hear it if it goes off. Loads of thing go missing in our house with a 3yo around (and a dh with a memeory like a sieve). Keep it hidden for say 2 days then have it mysteriously turn up again when you've been able to monitor the phone.

Sorry also for assuming the worst, but it does sound a bit suspish.

Socci · 16/04/2005 19:36

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munz · 16/04/2005 19:38

ooh mooming u sly old fox u! I actually prefer ur idea yes that's a good one! of course u'll have to hide it somewhere he won't find it. and make sure if it's on contract he doesn't ring up and report it as lost/stolen.

munz · 16/04/2005 19:39

would if he was sleeping and it was on the table next to him?

Moomin · 16/04/2005 19:43

if that's going a bit far, what's wrong with getting up in the middle of the night, taking his phone downstairs or into the loo or whatever and having a good old root through it for evidence of her number, old texts, sent texts, etc?

misdee · 16/04/2005 19:48

before you do all the suggestions below, ask yourself how you wope if u do find something? would it be the end, or would u work on it?

marthamoo · 16/04/2005 19:52

Oh YG, you poor thing - I missed this first time around. It has to stop - I think I would be inclined to have it out with my dh once and for all and try and get the truth out of him. I don't know him but it does sound very iffy. Best of luck, hon.

pinkroses · 16/04/2005 19:53

This sounds like a really bad problem for you. My dh had a female interested in him a while back and I happened to spot this at a works night out (she worked in his office). I heard her inviting him out for dinner, just the two of them. He just giggled, but didn't answer.

I decided to leave things that night, but asked him about it the next day. He said she had asked him out a few times, but he wasn't interested. I did check his phone when he wasn't around.

I decided to go into dh's office to meet him for lunch one day and saw her in his office, sitting on his desk, looking flirty!! I walked in and confronted them both. She looked very shocked but my dh wasn't surprised as he knew I was coming. So I warned her to keep her hands off my dh or she would have me to deal with. Dh told her this too. He said she was acting inappropriately in the office and towards him. He said he wasn't interested so to leave him alone. He was a happily married man. She never bothered him again!!!!

I hate to say it, but there is no smoke without fire. For her to still be contacting him after all this time is rather strange. If he genuinely isn't encouraging her then I think you need a restraining order as he has a stalker!!!

Pruni · 16/04/2005 20:00

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WestCountryLass · 16/04/2005 20:03

Hven't read all the replies but my advice would be for your DH to change his mobile number.

Dior · 16/04/2005 20:20

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brinkley · 16/04/2005 20:26

its ultimatum time IMO. dont agree with the sneaky tactics of nicking his phone - he'll see through it - and far better to have the moral high ground. otherwise you can erode a relationship with mistrust and sneakiness. i think you should confront him - a.s.a.p - get him to hand over the phone, check all received call lists, dialled calls, texts - ask to see his phone bills if they are itemized. if he has nothing to hide he should bloody well show you. get your answers and dont let him fobb you off.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2005 20:36

I'm sorry to be blunt but I would LEAVE his ass over this. Seriously, this has been going on for a year and he hasn't put a stop to it? Why? That's really, really suspicious, b/c I know if there were a situation like this in my life that my husband and family are more important than an ex, and that would have been explained to the ex in NO uncertain terms, just before I told them to piss off.

I expect the same respect from my husband.

Personally, I have enough stress in my life w/o having to nag my husband to tell his ex to piss off. Is he having an affair or not? Well, w/o him around, I wouldn't have to worry about that a/more.

As for her, well, after I bailed, I'd call her up and leave a line from an old Country WEstern song on her voicemail: 'If she wants a man who'll take the ring off of his hand, and then turn around and say that he'll be true. She deserves you.'

bubblerock · 16/04/2005 20:40

Yorkie!! You poor thing, not quite sure how I'd handle it but you're getting some good advice on here, hopefully it's all innocent on DH's part and he's too dumb to realise how it all looks to you - A girl would have to spell it out to my DH before he realised they were interested in him - I do think that some men are totally oblivious sometimes whereas we can pick up on these things immediately!

Keep us posted xxx

Hey Pruni - I'm an ex Gloucester gal (Brockworth) are you in Glos?

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