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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel about this? A bit on the long side....

218 replies

Yorkiegirl · 03/09/2004 19:22

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OP posts:
Gobbledigook · 16/04/2005 20:55

Oh YG, keep us posted.

FWIW, I'd do exactly what Moomin suggests - get hold of his phone somehow. It'd be easy for me as dh leaves it in his coat pocket and I could get it while he's on the loo and then deposit it somewhere switched off or on silent then when he's out have a good old root through it. Look through 'call register'.

Bugger deceitful, you've got yourself and your kids to think about and it doesn't sound to me like he's being entirely honest either (even if he's 'innocent' in the sense that he's not having an affair, I think it's unlikely that the text he got is the first one since last time).

xxx

expatinscotland · 16/04/2005 21:04

Amen, GDG! Rise above, take the higher road, Yorkie.

Aimsmum · 16/04/2005 21:12

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Pruni · 16/04/2005 21:15

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pixiefish · 16/04/2005 21:58

Yorkie. Is he on contract? If he is you can check his bill.

Two things worry me here

  1. How did she get his work phone number (if that's where she's phoning) if he told her where he worked then he could well give her any new mobile number.

  2. That he's still flippin talking to her. they have no ties so there is no need for him to be nice to her when it's so obviously upsetting you (It'd piss me off as well BTW)

bosscat · 16/04/2005 22:00

some women though are seriously delusional and it might not be his fault. years ago when my dh and i were dating, we knew each other through work (diff companies same profession) and we had kept it quiet. my trainee at the time was going along with him on a certain project. she was coming back saying how much they had clicked etc and all the while was completely clueless that we were together. It turned out that they had a coffee together which was completely normal for the line of work and which we all do all the time and he had said he liked some obscure french musician and she did too. she told me that she saw it as a "sign" they were meant to be together. at that stage obviously I had to tell her he and I were an item and she was completely shocked. to my horror she maintained he had been giving her mixed signals, and she confronted him about it! I was there when he told her she was a lunatic and asked her why she had thought he was interested in her, and she said that they had a coffee together and he asked her what star sign she was. okay, the star sign stuff could be construed as mildly flirty at its very worst but FFS, she did get carried away somewhat. we all learned from that experience (cough)

expatinscotland · 16/04/2005 22:02

the difference is, bosscat, that your partner confronted her about it and made it clear that she was NOT w/him and you were.

yorkiegirl's man doesn't seem interested in doing that.

then there's the hiding phone calls and whatnot.

that's a bit much.

bosscat · 16/04/2005 22:03

true

misdee · 16/04/2005 22:04

i'm a bit worried bout YG. usually she is online. womnder if something has arrupted at home.

bosscat · 16/04/2005 22:05

but I wouldn't say he confronted her exactly, I mean he is a lily livered man at the end of the day, she marched up to him at work and he was forced to deal with it. Much to my amusement many years later when i can still laugh at him about it

expatinscotland · 16/04/2005 22:07

no offense, bosscat, but it sounds like the situation was a lot different from yorkiegirl's. he's hiding things from her and denying he's talking to her and then she finds out he is; that he's talking to her at work and not telling yorkiegirl about it. it's upsetting her, he knows it, but he still allows it to go on. would your husband have done that if he knew her antics were upsetting you?

tiredemma · 16/04/2005 22:09

smells a bit fishy to me. id be outraged if dp was showing similar signs of behaviour.

brinkley · 16/04/2005 23:12

yorkiegirl - hope you are feeling ok hon. whatever you decided to do about it. hope for your sake he's able to put your mind at rest. you sound like you've been pretty long-suffering throughout this. she sounds a nightmare.

bosscat · 17/04/2005 00:09

no he wouldn't expat. I wasn't trying to compare myself to yg, I was just offering a "it might not all be as bad as you think" angle. Can't possibly fathom how that could offend but maybe I'm reading you wrong.

feebie · 17/04/2005 01:15

YG, you should tell dh to text her back and arrange to meet up with her, then you show up with him and let him tell her in your presence to leave him alone!! If he's telling the truth, he shouldn't have an issue with that. Then I'd change his mobile number and move on.

If he does have an issue with meeting up with her with you.. then maybe there's more to his side of the story. Good luck whatever you decide to do. This woman sounds like a loop!

maturer · 17/04/2005 10:02

Hi yorkiegirl, so sorry to hear this girl is still in your lives. This sounds so familiar (as you may recall) my dh did have an affair last year, started very innocently - a friendship with so at work, email, texts then meeting for coffee, lunch then finally onto a full blown affair. My dh somehow managed to find the time to meet her whem I thought I knew where he was. i never questioned as I'd never had any reason in 16 years of marriage to doubt or distrust him. Even when it came out that he had been having an affair it took him far to long to completely stop contact with her. When he finally "came to his senses" ( his words) mid life crisis type thing!!!)she wouldn't take no for an answer and we had several months of her trying to contact him any way she could- emails at his new work, ringing him at work, letters at work,etc etc It wasn't until this point that my dh finally started working with me not against me that I knew he'd got her out of his system and we faced the problem together. I met her, her dh, her parents during the course of the year when this was going on. There is a huge sense of fantasy about a relationship over the pnone/ texting that fantasy becomes much harder to sustain when the elements of it you don't want to think about(ie his wife and kids) start to get involved in your life. It took that ( and nearly tearing our marriage apart) before both dh and then eventually her realised they could not have any contact whatsoever.
It may be your dh has not got as far down the road as an affair but by the sound of it he's heading that way ( my dh who can talk about it now, after lots of counselling for us, says each little step into the affair was just a little step until before he knew it the next little step was sex etc!!)You must tell your dh how you feel and make him see how this appears. If the tables were turned would he be happy you having this relationship with a man? Until he starts working with you on this there will always be that element of mistrust which is so destructive to a relationship and eats away at you, believe me. If he's lying to you then he's something to hide and has given up the right to privacy ie his phone- check it, question him make him feel uncomfortable about this relationship with this woman it is not appropriate, especilly if it is threatening your marriage. remind him what he has to lose and for what ( a cheap thrill/ a boost to his ego.... my dh learne dthe hard way)please talk to him, it won't go away by itself!

bubbly1973 · 17/04/2005 10:27

yg, been thinking about you, you havent posted, is everything okay?

i hope it is
x

nikkisherri · 17/04/2005 10:33

can't help but feel angry reading this!! I can't believe any woman would put up with that, I wouldnt!

Hermione1 · 17/04/2005 10:33

GRRRRR what a horrible woman. hope you are ok yorkie girl.

nikkisherri · 17/04/2005 10:37

GRRRRR its horrible hearing the truth isnt it

cod · 17/04/2005 12:22

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Janna · 17/04/2005 12:37

I feel grrrr as well. I've been through a similar sort of situation with my ex. Together for nine years I never expected him to do what he did. He had a fling with a 16 yr old and they were texting and meeting behind my back for a year. He was never honest either and it was lie after lie after lie with him and she was very persistant too. It split us up and they are still together. I say go with your gut instinct. If you know something dosen't right then it isn't right. I think you know deep down that there is a problem and you really need to tackle it now whatever the outcome. Don't do what I did and wait around for a year for him to get his act together.
Hope you don't think I'm being blunt but I know how you must be feeling and I'm so at your dh for putting you through this

cod · 17/04/2005 14:25

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tortoiseshell · 17/04/2005 14:55

Hi YG - hope you're ok. Have read your bits of the thread, and skim read the others. Dh has looked at it too, and he thinks you should ask your dh gently - i.e. not accusatory, but in an 'I'm really really worried about this - can you set my mind at rest'. Without knowing your dh, can't speculate on whether he might be having an affair.

Is it possible he didn't tell you she was contacting him because he knew it would upset you? Perhaps he thought raking up old memories was worse than keeping you in the dark. There are one or two situations in which I would do that too, and I can imagine that situation existing.

I really hope it is nothing, but do be careful not to blow away something good without really good reason! xxx

brinkley · 17/04/2005 15:01

know what you are trying to say tortoiseshell but i feel it is really up to ygirls hubbie to sort this out - he should have nipped it in the bud ages ago - and the fact that he hasnt, and here they are months later - same scenario - is totally unacceptable. and he needs to be told so.