I hit my husband - not proud

[Twirliegig]

I’ve currently got a 2 yr old and a 3 month old and really struggling. The baby has reflux so is very sicky and cluster feeds for about 2 hrs each night and wakes up every 2/3 hours til about 4am then every hour. The toddler also wakes up at night so we are exhausted but DH normally gets into toddlers bed and they both sleep there for the night.
DH is supportive in that he’s very hands on with kids which I really appreciate as I couldn’t do it without him and he probably does more than his fair share. On the emotional side I don’t feel supported- I’ve been feeling very down and not coping well with the baby as she doesn’t sleep in the day unless she’s in the sling and she cries most of the day- I don’t like the newborn phase and hoping it will get better with time. Whenever I’ve expressed how I’m feeling DH gets very defensive and somehow it ends in an argument- most of the time I’m not sure what about? I think we’re both tired and stressed.
Last night he went out and said he’d be back by 11 as that’s when the baby normally wakes to feed and toddler often wakes at the same time. He wAsnt back but i managed to feed and settle baby so just texted him to ask for an eta. He said half an hour- fine. It took a while to burp and settle baby so text him again but didn’t deliver so worried a bit. Then after another half hour toddler wakes up inconsolable that it’s me coming to him and not dad, so texted DH, gone back to friends house, back soon- fine. Toddler not settling so tried calling DH and it hangs up. We have each other on ‘find your friends’ app (for convenience, no issues with trust) and it says he’s in a park half an hour away?? So I start to panic and think he’s either gone to get drugs (out of character) or been attacked. I know I’m obviously OTT here but with sleep deprivation my mind was going crazy and I was shaking with panic and not knowing what to say to toddler about where he is.
He eventually comes home (it’s only 2.5 hours later than planned so I know it’s not that bad) and I ask what happens, he’s absolutely wasted drunk and just defensively says he’s going to bed. I’m still shaking with panic and I grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him. I know I need to control my anger and I regret being physical but I was so upset. I’ll obviously apologise but don’t know how to move on from this? Baby has been awake since about 4, I haven’t had any proper sleep since 11, just feel miserable right now.

You need a break OP. Can you get any help from family?

Nobody would condone pushing anybody but most will sympathise with why it happened.
Your DH needs to realise the mismatch between his way of dealing with the stress, i.e. going out and getting drunk, and you being left alone to cope with 2 small children.
You definitely need some help here so if he can't or wont step up and take some of the strain then please reach out to family or friends.won't
Things will improve op.
Take as much care of yourself as you can, rest when you can, ask for help. Lots of us have been there and entirely understand.

Lose the extra 'won't '.
Don't know where that came from!!!

You should be treated as harshly as a man if he said he hit his wife.
You should never put your hands on someone and obviously need to learn to control that.

It sounds like you have some issues at the root of this that you need to work out with your partner.
If it was a rare scenario, why did you have such a big problem about him being out? Why clock watch? You should be able to manage the children on your own for a night? What would you have done if he was away for work or you were a single parent?

Make sure you take your turn for 'me time' too, stay at a friends for a night. However, don't expect your hubby to be laid back about it if you treat him as you described when he's out.

While your behaviour is bad he wasn't an angel in this situation either.

He left you (knowing you were struggling) to deal with a toddler and a newborn and lied about when he was coming home to appease you - I'm not surprised you were pissed off. If he wanted to stay out late he should have said so from the start, not led you to believe he'd be back to help then keep fobbing you off.

@YepImafraidIchangeditagain I assume she's pissed off because he said he'd be home to help her at 11pm and then rolled in at 1.30am steaming drunk! If I was exhausted with a newborn and a toddler and I didn't get the help I was promised I'd be pretty upset too.

Obviously that doesn't excuse her behaviour but I think most people would be pissed off in that scenario.

Where did he say he was going?

Was she expecting him sober at 11? If not, wouldn't she rather him out the way anyway?
My point was that if this isn't a regular occurrence (she hasn't said he's a habitual drunk or out all of the time), then every adult is allowed their breathing space, to go out and enjoy themselves. Equally, she should take her own time to go out and be social with her own friends without her spouse stalking her every move and clock watching.

Imagine she had written...

I am a mum of two young children. I organised a well deserved night out with friends and my hubby stayed home with the little ones. I agreed to be home by 11 but we were having such a laugh, drinking a dancing that I didn't notice the time. I eventually got in about 1.30. I was pretty drunk! But I never get to go out and had such a good night. My hubby went mad at me, said he had text and tracked me on a map app. He hit/shoved me. He ruined my rare night out. What should I do?*

Would you reply that you think her hubby needs a break?

Op that's bang out of order. I think you need help and perhaps have a chat in the morning about what happened it's not right what you did regardless of the situation. If it was a man doing this ltbs and women's aid would be the advice.

'You should be able to manage the children in your own for a night'
Ummmm...Not unless you have to, ie you are a single parent
DH is an equal partner here and when does Twirligig get her night off?

unicorns any parent should be able to manage their own children solely for one night?!

I also said that she should have her own time too...will she be expecting violence when she gets home?

Why was he in a park op?

I think you need to majorly apologise and try she reverse the situation in your head to see how you would feel if he did it to you.
He is likely to be very upset and hurt and yoi need to acknowledge this.

He knows you better than us, surely he will know it's completely out of character for you, that doesn't excuse the behaviour at all of course.

I know it’s out of order and I know I should be able to cope - that’s the problem, I can’t. I’m really struggling and have tried talking to DH as I don’t know how to cope.
He doesn’t go out a huge amount but has had 3 or 4 nights out since baby has been born. I haven’t had any (but nor would I want to). I’m on mat leave but missed my work Xmas party as baby wasn’t taking a bottle very well and toddler wakes up so it just seemed impossible.

In the modern vernacular, that sounds an awful lot like victim blaming.

Totally agree with what Yep said.

Ok you both need to come up with some solutions where one of you can have a night out without the house falling apart because this is ridiculous. Not much can be done about the baby but you can with the toddler. I never did cry it out with mine, simply kept returning him to bed. Yes it was tiring as a single mum but it was worth it.

The find my friends thing is inaccurate at the best of times and I would never let a partner have me on there or check up on me as it screams controlling.

As for the physical abuse....totally unacceptable. Shaking with "panic" when he had returned home? Sounds like anger to me. My ex used to things like that when it all started. There is never an excuse for physical violence.

You might want to look at childminders etc if you both can't cope, however if you need mental health help then you need to go to the doctors your partner I'm guessing works full time helps you with the load at home and still you feel he needs to be more in tune with your mental wellbeing. You need to go doctors your husband can't prescribe you medication for anxiety etc

The whole situation sounds a bit shit for everyone. It does get easier op. I found it hard on my own when dh worked away 1 week in four. I was anxious and exhausted and bed time was the worst.

I would start with an apology this morning and see what you can do about toddler sleeping when you are both calm.

Echo what others have said, physically shoving your partner in anything other than a true self defense situation is disgusting. No excuses, if you can't control that aspect of your personality get help. If stress makes you that angry you could potentially do that to your kids.

Your DP was out of order, of course he was. If he wanted a night out to get paraletic he should have said outright. You don't keep saying 'yeah half an hour' knowing that's bullshit & isn't going to happen. Yes every parent should be able to manage one night with their kids alone, but in a proper partnership there's actual communication about it all.

OP if you're feeling really down have you considered speaking to your GP? I know it gets bandied around a lot but you could have the start of PND - lack of sleep definitely doesn't help.

You need to go to the doctors and get help and apologise to your husband. You were in the wrong, and whilst I can sympathise how you got there, it was still wrong.
Good luck OP; I hope your husband forgives you and you are able to get the help you need.

So much is wrong with your post OP. Bottom line, assaulting one's partner is never acceptable regardless of the genders. 95% of your post is your excuses and rationale for why you assaulted him. It reads to me that you don't really regret hitting him, you just want people to join your pity party and tell you your assault was excusable.

I also don't think this is an isolated incident. Why would you say "I know I need to control my anger" and not something like "I've never reacted like this before" if this was a one-off?

You ask how you can move on. You have no chance of moving on unless you are completely honest with yourself and own your actions.

I think the OP is beating herself up enough without people laying in labelling her as a domestically violent person.

OP The first 6 months with a baby can be really stressful add a toddler into that and a drunk DP - I understand how it got to this.

Don’t beat yourself up, otherwise you’ll drift further into stress, depression.

Take this a sign to get help. Talk to your partner. Talk to your health visitor.

I completely smashed up a laptop when I was in the same circumstance as you (7 years ago) & when child in bed.
There is no way I’d do that under normal circumstances.

In theory at that stage I was also a domestically violent person. But it was a one off product of extreme stress.

There is a reason why sleep deprivation is a form of torture OP. You sound overwhelmed and anxious which is an awful, awful feeling. I do think you need to see a doctor and get some help.

As for moving forward all you can do is apologise and talk to your husband.

So....there is no excuse for a man to hit a woman. But a woman can hit a man if she's tired or not coping with the children that she birthed?

I'm raising sons and this is so disappointing!

. But a woman can hit a man if she's tired or not coping with the children that she birthed?

Where has anyone said that?

A lot of pp's are excusing the behaviour saying she must be tired, stressed or needs help from hubby if she's not coping! How about- sort out your blimmin temper!!