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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hit my husband - not proud

217 replies

Twirliegig · 06/01/2019 07:10

I’ve currently got a 2 yr old and a 3 month old and really struggling. The baby has reflux so is very sicky and cluster feeds for about 2 hrs each night and wakes up every 2/3 hours til about 4am then every hour. The toddler also wakes up at night so we are exhausted but DH normally gets into toddlers bed and they both sleep there for the night.
DH is supportive in that he’s very hands on with kids which I really appreciate as I couldn’t do it without him and he probably does more than his fair share. On the emotional side I don’t feel supported- I’ve been feeling very down and not coping well with the baby as she doesn’t sleep in the day unless she’s in the sling and she cries most of the day- I don’t like the newborn phase and hoping it will get better with time. Whenever I’ve expressed how I’m feeling DH gets very defensive and somehow it ends in an argument- most of the time I’m not sure what about? I think we’re both tired and stressed.
Last night he went out and said he’d be back by 11 as that’s when the baby normally wakes to feed and toddler often wakes at the same time. He wAsnt back but i managed to feed and settle baby so just texted him to ask for an eta. He said half an hour- fine. It took a while to burp and settle baby so text him again but didn’t deliver so worried a bit. Then after another half hour toddler wakes up inconsolable that it’s me coming to him and not dad, so texted DH, gone back to friends house, back soon- fine. Toddler not settling so tried calling DH and it hangs up. We have each other on ‘find your friends’ app (for convenience, no issues with trust) and it says he’s in a park half an hour away?? So I start to panic and think he’s either gone to get drugs (out of character) or been attacked. I know I’m obviously OTT here but with sleep deprivation my mind was going crazy and I was shaking with panic and not knowing what to say to toddler about where he is.
He eventually comes home (it’s only 2.5 hours later than planned so I know it’s not that bad) and I ask what happens, he’s absolutely wasted drunk and just defensively says he’s going to bed. I’m still shaking with panic and I grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him. I know I need to control my anger and I regret being physical but I was so upset. I’ll obviously apologise but don’t know how to move on from this? Baby has been awake since about 4, I haven’t had any proper sleep since 11, just feel miserable right now.

OP posts:
WitchesWeb · 07/01/2019 07:24

It hasnt escalated has it, and it isnt rape.

No one has said it is

If it happens again yes shes an abuser.
How aboyt you stop being so obtuse.

How about you stop minimising and being rude.

HTH

Deathgrip · 07/01/2019 08:06

Just wondering how many mothers posters know who’ve been out and got wasted four times in the first three months of their baby’s life, let alone with a toddler at home who will only settle for them?

There’s the double standard. A woman doing that would be absolutely destroyed here and everywhere.

Posters here are saying that because OP shoved him, she shouldn’t raise his behaviour because that’s victim blaming. As I see it, he shouldn’t be let off for his appalling behaviour because of what the OP did. As for someone talking about DV victims feeling like a shell of a person and humiliated - you think that’s how this incident has made him feel? I’ve been a victim of DV, I grew up surrounded by DV, and comparing this to actual spousal abuse is frankly insulting to victims of DV.

OP, your DH needs to get his shit together. Why should you have to cope on your own with two kids who don’t sleep well when you have a husband? Neither my DH or I went out socially when we had small babies to take care of. You’ve been through the physical and emotional upheaval of pregnancy and birth, cutting out the nights out for a few months isn’t much of a bloody sacrifice.

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 08:21

Neither my DH or I went out socially when we had small babies to take care of.
Don't want to single you out personally, Deathgrip, and this is getting a little OT, but - to everyone - is this normal? My ex was away for days on business/family trips (which he could have refused) or out in the evening within the first few weeks of our children being born, leaving me to look after them alone. I didn't think twice about it, even when I was becoming aware that he was quite a selfish git. Is it that unusual for a new parent to go out for a few hours?

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 08:23

(For further context, both children were also born just before Christmas when there are lots of parties, and our daughter was a Caesarean, so I wasn't up and fit - WHBU all those years ago?)

TotesEmoshTerri · 07/01/2019 08:29

Exactly Deathgrip. It seems there are so many cool wives on here who think the negatives should be felt by both genders (i.e. a woman hitting a man must be just as bad as the other way around) while ignoring that the positives (going out getting pissed and ignoring the children) can still lean heavily towards men.

thedancingbear · 07/01/2019 08:32

The apologism for DV on this thread is sickening. Some of you should be ashamed.

I speak as someone whose brother escaped an abusive relationship. His OH threw a hot iron at his head (he was saved serious injury by the cord - it was still plugged in). That started with slapping and hitting too.

TotesEmoshTerri · 07/01/2019 08:35

Maybe we'd feel differently if she had thrown a hot iron at his head after a line of equally violent acts. It's called context. One shove after a drunk and lazy husband misses out on a night of child hell is quite another context.

This sort of context free conflating a minor wrong with major wrongs is the sort of BS "pro life" idiots engage in to make us feel bad about abortions too.

thedancingbear · 07/01/2019 08:39

This sort of context free conflating a minor wrong with major wrongs is the sort of BS "pro life" idiots engage in to make us feel bad about abortions too.

What the actual fuck?

Also, DV has a habit of escalating, particularly if people like you condone, excuse and encourage it.

Deathgrip · 07/01/2019 08:39

I have no idea Raven, it’s just what we were comfortable with. In fairness we had twins with health issues, medications to deal with, pumping, and they hardly ever slept at the same time - I could have done it myself but we both realised early on that was best avoided if possible.

70sbaubles · 07/01/2019 08:49

How about you stop minimising and being rude.
Lol. Pot kettle black.
Hth

Boysandbuses · 07/01/2019 08:56

Twins with health issues is a not the same though is it?

I certainly went out when the kids were small. So did my now exh. Some people do and some people don't.

I have never berated a woman for going out when her babies are small. If you do that you need to look at yourself.

There were 3 women at our Christmas party, who were on MAT leave. The oldest of their babies were 15 weeks old. They had a great time.

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 09:00

I guess it depends too much on circumstances to get a clear answer.
I probably should have gone out more, too, once I was physically able, but maybe mothers are a little more prone to guilt if they leave their children?

thedancingbear · 07/01/2019 09:13

No, Boysandbuses, I disagree. Any parent who goes out-out whilst her LOs are small deserves a wallop.

That's the message I'm taking from this thread anyway.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 07/01/2019 09:15

Especially if she's late home @thedancingbear - deserves everything she gets

Deathgrip · 07/01/2019 09:20

There’s a difference between going out to a Christmas party and going out four times in the first 12 weeks of your baby’s life and getting obliterated. I think a woman be judged far more harshly than a man for doing this.

Yes, my situation was different but if I’d been struggling then the outcome would have been the same - there’s no way my DH would have done this if I’d told him I wasn’t coping and he could see that from my overall demeanour.

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 09:21

He went out 3 or 4 times in 3 months (once a month roughly) and we only know of him getting drunk this once.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 07/01/2019 09:22

This sort of context free conflating a minor wrong with major wrongs is the sort of BS "pro life" idiots engage in to make us feel bad about abortions too.*

What the actual shit....

thedancingbear · 07/01/2019 09:25

There’s a difference between going out to a Christmas party and going out four times in the first 12 weeks of your baby’s life and getting obliterated. I think a woman be judged far more harshly than a man for doing this.

I agree, though one night out every three weeks hardly amounts to neglect.

But even if it does, does it warrant physical assault? Straight answer please, deathgrip - yes or no?

Boysandbuses · 07/01/2019 09:25

There’s a difference between going out to a Christmas party and going out four times in the first 12 weeks of your baby’s life and getting obliterated. I think a woman be judged far more harshly than a man for doing this.

I doubt these women only went out the once. And all of them were past tipsey.

Yes some women feel guilt, some women don't want to go out. But, shockingly, some do. Some even get drunk.....shock horror!

JustAnotherPoster00 · 07/01/2019 09:27

So here's a list for all those people who want to pass the MN sanctioned test

Be female
Dont abuse your partner unless you can pin the blame on him
Use tiredness and stress as a mitigating circumstance
Apologise profusely

After all that you can make sure that no-one will believe your partner but will sympathise with you for being a domestic abuser with a vagina

Hmm fml can I get off this planet now please

VietnameseCrispyFish · 07/01/2019 10:06

OP, I asked you this yesterday:

It was a push and he barely even noticed he was so drunk to be honest. I just felt awful that I had gotten so worked up

Why did you choose the thread title ‘I hit my husband’ if this is that happened, then?

I suspect there’s more to this than meets the eye. You said you hit him for a reason. Now you’re minimising, right?

VietnameseCrispyFish · 07/01/2019 10:08

By the way, this thread has given me hope that DV against men is finally starting to be recognised. Yes, there are a few apologists. but on the whole it’s encouraging to see so many average woman (I.e. not DV workers) recognise that a woman abusing a man is something to be taken seriously. Thankfully.

TotesEmoshTerri · 07/01/2019 10:27

Also, DV has a habit of escalating, particularly if people like you condone, excuse and encourage it.

So if OP said "I keep beating my husband up", our response would be a bit different! Context! This minor one off does not justify comparing the OP to a long term domestic abuser as has happened on this thread - the situations aren't comparable.

WitchesWeb · 07/01/2019 10:43

This sort of context free conflating a minor wrong with major wrongs is the sort of BS "pro life" idiots engage in to make us feel bad about abortions too.

Ridiculous statement.

The fact you think it is ok to shove/hit someone says more about you than anything else.

TheVanguardSix · 07/01/2019 10:48

You sound tortured by the unending exhaustion of it all. Flowers

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