I hit my husband - not proud

[Twirliegig]

I’ve currently got a 2 yr old and a 3 month old and really struggling. The baby has reflux so is very sicky and cluster feeds for about 2 hrs each night and wakes up every 2/3 hours til about 4am then every hour. The toddler also wakes up at night so we are exhausted but DH normally gets into toddlers bed and they both sleep there for the night.
DH is supportive in that he’s very hands on with kids which I really appreciate as I couldn’t do it without him and he probably does more than his fair share. On the emotional side I don’t feel supported- I’ve been feeling very down and not coping well with the baby as she doesn’t sleep in the day unless she’s in the sling and she cries most of the day- I don’t like the newborn phase and hoping it will get better with time. Whenever I’ve expressed how I’m feeling DH gets very defensive and somehow it ends in an argument- most of the time I’m not sure what about? I think we’re both tired and stressed.
Last night he went out and said he’d be back by 11 as that’s when the baby normally wakes to feed and toddler often wakes at the same time. He wAsnt back but i managed to feed and settle baby so just texted him to ask for an eta. He said half an hour- fine. It took a while to burp and settle baby so text him again but didn’t deliver so worried a bit. Then after another half hour toddler wakes up inconsolable that it’s me coming to him and not dad, so texted DH, gone back to friends house, back soon- fine. Toddler not settling so tried calling DH and it hangs up. We have each other on ‘find your friends’ app (for convenience, no issues with trust) and it says he’s in a park half an hour away?? So I start to panic and think he’s either gone to get drugs (out of character) or been attacked. I know I’m obviously OTT here but with sleep deprivation my mind was going crazy and I was shaking with panic and not knowing what to say to toddler about where he is.
He eventually comes home (it’s only 2.5 hours later than planned so I know it’s not that bad) and I ask what happens, he’s absolutely wasted drunk and just defensively says he’s going to bed. I’m still shaking with panic and I grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him. I know I need to control my anger and I regret being physical but I was so upset. I’ll obviously apologise but don’t know how to move on from this? Baby has been awake since about 4, I haven’t had any proper sleep since 11, just feel miserable right now.

There is no excuse for violence.

I'm hoping too that your DH doesn't sleep with your toddler after he has been drinking.

Just posting to update. Thanks for the responses- can’t reply to each one.
I apologised first thing. He just brushed it off like it was nothing (I’m not saying it was- that was his response to my apology).
I didn’t think I was making excuses- im just saying what happened in the build up. I know I’m in the wrong, that’s why I posted.
Suggesting he should leave me is ridiculous- we have 2 young children, what good would that do?
It’s very out of character for me- one person suggested I must have done this before, I haven’t.
I did wonder if this could be pnd, that was the other reason for posting. I’ve been trying to talk to DH but it never ends well as we’re both tired and stressed and there’s never much time as we both just want to get to bed when the DCs are asleep. When I told him I felt really anxious and down about 6 weeks after I’d had DC2 he said it made him feel angry as he thought I was blaming him.
The tracking app- we both have this on our phones, as I said not out of trust issues but so we see when the other is on their way home and know when to get dinner ready etc. The park- I think this was the app being inaccurate. It’s quite a dodgy one and there’s a lot of crime in that area and, as mentioned, i jumped to crazy irrational assumptions and was shaking as I was more worried that he was so drunk and been mugged or something. Pre kids whenever he went out he would get blind drunk and I always hated it, can’t really take his alcohol well and has started fights with random people in the past. Not a regular occurrence but it has happened so I panicked. I was with toddler who was asking for him and when I saw where I thought he was I thought something serious had happened- stupid I know.
Someone asked was he scared, was it a hit or a push? It was a push and he barely even noticed he was so drunk to be honest. I just felt awful that I had gotten so worked up

Well then you need to raise your standards. Would you leave if he did it twice? At what point would you become scared?

No, I don’t need to raise my standards. It’s difficult to verbalise what i mean, but my point is that it’s about the context. If it weren’t a one off then that’s different isn’t it? Life, relationships and abuse aren’t as black and white as people are making out on here.

I’ve done exactly this, although when my OH did it he drained every penny from the bank to bank roll his mates nights out too. So when he came home and wanted sympathy for being sick I kicked him up the bottom and he fell head first into the toilet he just threw up in.

I don’t think this is a sign of abuse at all. Sleep deprivation is torture for all parties involved. He will come out of his hangover, think about it and probably have a few regrets of his own. It’s not as bad as you think and you will get through this horrible stage in newborn Hell.
I’d just say leave him to it and talk about it later, it will be fine

CoffeeAtCentralPerk Absolutely. That said the real issue isn’t the push or the late return - they are symptoms. The issue is a family that isn’t coping with a normal family situation. You both need to talk and bring about improvements to all of your lives. He sounds very young, so I’m guessing you are too?
Find practical help to give some time without children for you both. Use this time to do something together and communicate.
Maybe a childminer for a few hours to give you non baby time or use a grandmother or aunt? Sleep or do something for yourself even if just a walk.
Book a babysitter and go to the cinema or for a drink together.
Teach your two year old to sleep. Teach them it’s not acceptable to throw a paddy in the night and they need to settle themself back down.
Speak to your health visitor about struggling.
Apologise to your husband and tell him you love him but are exhausted.

you are in The thick of it dealing with the extreme stress of two very young children he is acting like a single man going out getting pissed without a care in the world letting you down when he knows you're at the end of your tether and you really need his support
of course it was wrong to escalate into getting physical of course it was wrong but you are under an enormous amount of stress

Why shouldn't the husband be allowed to go out once in a while?

There's a big difference between going out once in a while, and leaving your wife for the fourth time in 12 weeks to deal with a toddler than you know full well only settles for you, whilst she's up nursing a new born constantly. What's more, if he wanted to blow off some steam whilst getting blind drunk, he should have made that clear before leaving the house so she was aware what kind of a night she was in for.
Rather than making her think he'd be home by a time specified by him, then pushing the time back further and further increasing her worry and anxiety when he didn't return home each time.

When you're a parent to children that young, you don't get to fuck off out and get that drunk that often and leave everything for your exhausted partner to deal with.

Suggesting he should leave me is ridiculous- we have 2 young children, what good would that do?

That line says everything. It sounds like you think he should just put up with the physical assault as there's nothing wrong with it.

It would do lots of good. He wouldn't be assaulted, the children would grow up in a house where it didn't happen and you may see the reprecussions of your behaviour.

To people saying he shouldn't be going out at all: he's gone out approximately once per month. Note that the OP did not say he was paralytic when he came home for any of those times. Being able to go out with your mates once per month is eminently reasonable considering that from the OP's point of view 'he does more than his fair share' of the day to day.

It sounds like her partner would be happy to look after both kids if she wanted a night out for herself, but she herself says that she does not need or want one.

Thus the husband going out is a non-issue and completely irrelevant.

This reads like first time behaviour for him, with the prevarication about coming home, but on the other hand he'd had a massive row with the OP and now was being 'badgered' via text on top of that and being tracked via app. His response (to stay out later) wasn't the best response, but it's certainly understandable, considering he is also sleep deprived and working and trying to enjoy the one night out he has per month or so.

I don't think you're abusive, OP. I think that term is thrown around too much. Being abusive, like being a bully, is a pattern of behaviour rather than a single isolated incident.

However you may need to look at how you're coming across to him. It's weird that you say he got defensive when you told him how you felt - most partners would be consoling. From the rest of your post I get the impression that you may not have phrased things in a neutral way. He possibly felt got at because of the language you were using or the things you were saying.

I think you both need to sit down and come up with a plan for how you both get a little bit of "Me" time, whatever that means. Let him have one night per month to go out and do whatever he wants, without you messaging him. Let yourself have the same. Or if you're not interested in going out for a night, schedule two evenings a month where you go round to a friends house, or go to the cinema, or do a hobby. It's important that even if you feel like you can't leave your kids for a second, you do have even a couple of hours when you can drop your load and relax.

Keep talking to each other. Keep communicating. Try to remain calm and not raise your voice, just be as rational as possible. And apologise for shoving him.

Boyandbuses, I'm afraid I do take the death rate and scale of domestic abuse against women as the bigger issue. Psychological harm you can come back from. Death not so much. The risk factors are not the same, and it's ludicrous to pretend they are.

OP if my husband rocked up drunk when my children were babies I would have been very upset..... and he did pull a few “me time special stunts” that were spectacularly selfish. Stop beating yourself up and apologising to him. For a brief window of time while children are tiny it would be helpful if he could act like a responsible adult not a teenager. Tell you he’s going so you are not worried he’s dead in he park. Get yourself some good girl friends to lean on in this period so you can at least vent laugh roll eyes and eat cake. It doesn’t last for ever ....you shouldn’t shove him and it’s not a LTB situation ..... it is annoying. Book a morning off and sit quietly in a nice cafe and just be. Personally I always went for a swim one evening a week .... no phone contact for at least an hour always came back a lot nicer .... good luck and don’t be too hard on yourself x

A loss of control is a loss of control and it is a risk to anyone around the person who is out of control. In a loss of control you could hit someone with a tissue or a blunt object, shove them or stick a knife in them. What you do is not the point, it’s the loss of control. I have never ever lost control in that way or even come close to doing something that is beyond wrong, physical violence.

Those that do are dangerous and the very least they can do is get help. Other people are not to blame nor are they responsible for ensuring that person deals with their wellbeing and MH. The OP needs to take a good long look at her life, how she manages her health, her choices and her priorities. Then she must put in place measures that ensures she can cope with her life. Those might be red lines that her husband needs to deal with and which are not negotiable. Like his going out is not negotiable and may be his (very bad) way of dealing with the stress at home.

He’s been out 4 times in the 12 weeks since the baby was born?!

Sounds like you have pnd. Go see your gp. You don’t need your dp to agree before you seek help.

I suspect he was scared of the backlash, that would come of being honest about what time he'd be home.
You shouldn't have hounded him like you did, and should be able to cope on your own for one night.
I hope the situation improves soon.

It wasn’t one night though, was it Dieu? It’s the 4th time he’s been out on the piss since his 12 week old was born

When my first DS was 7 months old, I hit my husband. It wasn't a shove. I punched him in the leg. I too was so sleep deprived. Our son never slept longer than 1hr at a time and he was very cranky in the day.
I totally lost it. I terrified myself. I was so sure DH was going to leave me. I cried and begged him to forgive me. I knew what I did was so wrong. It was however, after that I realised that there was something wrong with me.

I was not the same person I was before. I went straight to the doctors the next day and explained how I had been feeling and what had happened. I was sent for a psychiatric assessment and diagnosed with post natal depression.

My life changed after that. I was given so much support by my family and my husband chose to stay with me. The treatment was hard but I was finally happy again. We have just had our 3rd DS and I am coping so much better now that I know what to look out for in terms of post natal depression.

Please go and see your GP.

It was a push and he barely even noticed he was so drunk to be honest. I just felt awful that I had gotten so worked up

Why did you choose the thread title ‘I hit my husband’ if this is that happened, then?

Op, you’ve apologised and your husband seems fine with it. He clearly knows it’s not typical and isn’t ‘frightened’ to be near you...so I think it’s safe to say, learn from the experience and now focus on you.

You sound like you need a break though! Can you express/make up some bottles and leave DH to it? Go climb into bed and get some much needed sleep. I only ever had one child because I remembered how painful those sleepless nights were and couldn’t bare to go it all again lol.

You might want to consider deleting that app if it is just going to make you anxious. Let the food be a bit cold or not ready when he comes home - if it's a big deal to him, he warms it up or he cooks instead.

You're lucky that he's not taking this seriously. My ex would have used something like this against me for the rest of my life. For others this is the final straw that makes them decide to leave. Take this as a huge wake-up call that you need to make some changes. Apart from anything else, in the long run both parents need to be able to cope with both children on their own occasionally, so that the other can get some down time, without being made to feel guilty because a child is calling for them.

Not surprised by these comments! funny how there was a similar thread on here the other day of a husband shoving his wife yet no one person excused it everyone told her to LTB.

If he leaves you for being violent who will you take your anger out on then? hope it wont be the kids!

Momo18 my ex was mentally ill when he strangled me. Does that make it ok then because he was ill? so much double standards.

Momo18

You do those struggling with mental illness a great disservice when you dismiss violence as being a symptom of mental illness because violence is not a symptom of mental illness, violence is a symptom of being a selfish immature ass with no self-control who is having a temper tantrum.

If mental illness is an excuse/justification for violence then there are a lot of people owed apologies & pardons by the legal process.

Having a MH issue is NOT an excuse for violence. Ever. I say that as someone with a history of MH issues, living with someone else with extreme MH issues currently...if he dared raise a hand to me he would be gone. Disrespectful to people who manage not to push their loved ones around