I hit my husband - not proud

[Twirliegig]

I’ve currently got a 2 yr old and a 3 month old and really struggling. The baby has reflux so is very sicky and cluster feeds for about 2 hrs each night and wakes up every 2/3 hours til about 4am then every hour. The toddler also wakes up at night so we are exhausted but DH normally gets into toddlers bed and they both sleep there for the night.
DH is supportive in that he’s very hands on with kids which I really appreciate as I couldn’t do it without him and he probably does more than his fair share. On the emotional side I don’t feel supported- I’ve been feeling very down and not coping well with the baby as she doesn’t sleep in the day unless she’s in the sling and she cries most of the day- I don’t like the newborn phase and hoping it will get better with time. Whenever I’ve expressed how I’m feeling DH gets very defensive and somehow it ends in an argument- most of the time I’m not sure what about? I think we’re both tired and stressed.
Last night he went out and said he’d be back by 11 as that’s when the baby normally wakes to feed and toddler often wakes at the same time. He wAsnt back but i managed to feed and settle baby so just texted him to ask for an eta. He said half an hour- fine. It took a while to burp and settle baby so text him again but didn’t deliver so worried a bit. Then after another half hour toddler wakes up inconsolable that it’s me coming to him and not dad, so texted DH, gone back to friends house, back soon- fine. Toddler not settling so tried calling DH and it hangs up. We have each other on ‘find your friends’ app (for convenience, no issues with trust) and it says he’s in a park half an hour away?? So I start to panic and think he’s either gone to get drugs (out of character) or been attacked. I know I’m obviously OTT here but with sleep deprivation my mind was going crazy and I was shaking with panic and not knowing what to say to toddler about where he is.
He eventually comes home (it’s only 2.5 hours later than planned so I know it’s not that bad) and I ask what happens, he’s absolutely wasted drunk and just defensively says he’s going to bed. I’m still shaking with panic and I grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him. I know I need to control my anger and I regret being physical but I was so upset. I’ll obviously apologise but don’t know how to move on from this? Baby has been awake since about 4, I haven’t had any proper sleep since 11, just feel miserable right now.

Pissedoffdotcom

Exactly. Funny how all those people who are violent because of their mental illness somehow always manage to control their violent symptoms around their bosses or wait until they are in private for them to be expressed. No. It's not mental illness. It's a convenient excuse to a conscious choice.

My exh suffered severe depression and anxiety......then he raped me.

Is that ok too?

Not comparing rape to what the op did. But mental health is not an excuse.

Its disgusting to say it.

Gosh the responses all sound very dramatic to me.

He shouldn't have lead you down the garden path with his plans.

You should have held your own and spoke to him the next day... BUT expecting help then being let down is an awful feeling when you're that tired, stressed and emotional.

Everyone has a breaking point, and it sounds to me like you both need a break! Could you arrange a night off individually, or together?

You'll come through the other side of this, you've said sorry, you feel remorse, you didn't actually hurt him.

Don't beat yourself up over this one off incident, instead, use it to focus on making this better, go to the GP, maybe write down how you're feeling to try and get DH to understand it better, or take him to the GP with you.

Im a drug and alcohol worker and if i was working with him and i heard he came home drunk like that with two young children in the house id be reporting HIM to social services not her. She was wrong to shove him - she didnt hit him but shld not have used hands.
There is however No excuse to come home steaming drunk where there are young children present. She couldnt just swan off out and get drunk. OP If i were you id refer him to the nearest alcohol service as it would seem he cannot handle his drink and they could arrange counselling for him as it seems he may have been drinking in the park alone and not coping
You too need to speak to your health visitor who could refer you to something such as homestart who come to you in the day and give you support with the kids, tips and other practical support, they are very good, or you could visit your local children's centre in the day who will have something on every day in the week from stay and play , baby massage, creche , Mellow parenting ect . There is something on daily that you your baby and toddler will enjoy so you are not in the house day in day out. They have so many activities. You will also find support service's also work from children's centres such as newpin- a service which helps parents struggling to cope for any reason. They are not social services and asking for help wont get you into any trouble
Not being seen to ask for help will get u into trouble
Look at things practically- things wont get better without help and you really do need support. Dont deprive yourself or your kids from it. As for your toddler id suggest that DH getting into bed with him/ her nightly is making the situation worse and toddler needs to get used to sleeping alone. Can grandparents not take toddler now and again to give you some respite? I really feel fir you things will get better xxx

It was wrong.
But the emotional strain of being a mother with no break or help is ENORMOUS. It makes the most timid of us into monsters, I felt like an animal who could have screamed for hours.
You sound ill.
You need to see a GP.
It isn't normal to not cope with two children, though I am a single mother and always was. But to be getting steaming drunk wasn't supporting you.
You shouldn't have shoved him but you did. See this as the moment you NEEDED HELP and made the change you needed. See your GP, ask for the health visitor to help you, get homestart support.

BTW my dad had bipolar, as do I. He used this as an excuse to beat me on a weekly basis and then apologised as 'he couldn't help it'. I don't beat my children, even though I have bipolar.
I'm on your side, I found young children fucking horrendous. Awful. Still struggling now.
I'm in East Mids, if you need support, PM me. x

Ps ignore all the comments from people comparing you to a rapist and making out you are some kibd of evil abuser. Its not the sort of thing she needs to hear. If she was an abuser she wouldn't be admitting it here. She shoved him she didn't outright hit him. Wrong regardless but some of the responses here are disgustingly ovet dramatic
As for those making comments about violence and mental health- it does often go hand in hand. I am.an experienced alcohol and drug counsellor and offender manager ( probation officer) and many many people suffering from mental health issues commit violence due to their psychosis, or schizophrenic type disorders . I visit the mental health wing in Wandsworth PRISON where offenders with mental health conditions have committed violent crimes. Thats why we also have secure units. @Pissedoffdotcom take note

@boysandbuses

Hear hear banana.
We need to support OP, she knows she was wrong and is seeking support.

Banana1979

I'm a social worker. Worked everywhere and anywhere worth working in the last 30+ years. And I say you are talking bollocks.

70sbaubles

what on earth are you on about?! im alone parent to 4 children, I havent had a break not a single one in 2 years, doesnt turn me into a violent monster though! if op cant handle 2 kids on her own for the night without turning violent then actually I believe ss will be concerned about her more than him!

OP is getting a very hard time here. The thing with harping on about equality is that things are NOT equal. Hand on heart, which of you could say that your partner did 50% of the night waking and knows just as much as you do the terrible, awful consequences of sleep deprivation. There will even be women on this thread that thinks it's an exaggeration because they've been the ones whose babies were decent sleepers. I was driven to rage by lack of sleep, it's awful. When the person who is supposed to be in the same boat/on your team etc continuously disregards (and OP says she has tried to explain) the reality of how much you just need some support-sleep-rest-understanding-compassion and mocks you by taking a fucking night off to get pissed at the pub. It's nothing short of despicable. Frankly, those of you sticking your boot in should be ashamed of yourselves. OP, send me a direct message and please don't let some of these responses burden you even further. Take care x

Do you think the criticism is helping @whatsthepointhen? She needs help.
She's not a monster. I'd also say a man having done this ONCE amidst severe sleep deprivation isn't a monster.
I used to bite into my arms so deep it left bruises, just to get through the night. I'd throw bottles against the wall so I didn't scream and hurt the baby I was fucking knackered.

Also a lone parent. It's shit raising kids. Fucking shit and we are allowed to say so. Not going to condemn another mother for struggling though we need to support each other.

@knittedjest clearly you are one of the social workers that has caused so much misery by not doing their job properly
I sit in on child case conferences, attend the criminal and family courts, write reports for the criminal courts and actively work within secure mental health unit's and prisons with people who have committed violent offences and whim have mental health issues and or drug induced psychosis
Your whole contribution to this thread has been absolute crap and junk and as a social worker its disappointing to read your language abd your quite frankly rude and unhelpful response to OP making het misery worse. I don't even believe you are a social worker. Go away and leave OP alone.

@curlykaren wellsaid.

@curlykaren 👏🏼 Well said 👏🏼

I think you need a break from each other you are frustrated and overtired and need to be more relaxed when it comes to your baby sleep will level into a longer sleep pattern soon it's not forever. As for your partner he's been a dick he should be helping you more and stop the teenage behaviour those days are gone the odd night is fine but he's letting you down and you are getting angry with him. Before it escalates to more dangerous violent outbreaks you need to give him an ultimatum and stick with it if he wants to hang around parks getting drunk like a teen then he has to leave.Violent behaviour is wrong be it by man or women but it all starts somewhere so think of you child and get some breathing room from each other and then maybe he will grow more mature and you more relaxed and tolerate and therefore great parents for your child.

Banana1979 who compared her to a rapist? Because I quite clearly said I wasn't.

I said that people excusing physical abuse because of mental health problems are talk ing bollocks.

Also if you bothered to read the OP you would see that op says he does more than his fair share. She does get help.

And thousands of women have kids, lots with no support and don't put their hands on people.

People keep bringing it that it is abuse, are doing so because of all the people trying to justify it, because the op is female. That's what it comes down to.

Social services wouldn't give a fuck about a parent coming home drunk occasionally.

To all the parents out there it's the hardest but most worthwhile job a human can do. I know about sleep deprivation as I have 6 kids over 28 the the youngest was born I had 4 boys 5 yrs and under I was on automatic for 6 months with the youngest but by 6 months as the others he slept through the night it's extremely hard even with an reliable partner imagine if your partner thinks he can carry on as before and is a total idiot dick I am sorry but it's an impossible situation to be in I hope he wakes up and provides more support to you op.

Banana1979 clearly you missed the irony in my post 🙄 i know there are people who commit crimes that have MH issues. Their MH issues don't excuse their crimes. Hence why nobody should be excusing OP's behaviour because she is struggling. But please, continue 🙂

OP, it is clear that you are not proud of your behaviour, and from your DH's comments, it would appear that it was not a big deal to him.

You can move on from this. I do think that you need to go to your doctor in case you have PND. You also need to ask your HV to see what help there is available to you. Funding has been cut to Home Start, but you can see what is available in your area.

One shove when somebody is at the end of their tether does not make a husband/wife beater.

Only you know if you had anger issues previous to this, only you know exactly what happened in the heat of the moment.

Sometimes things happen, just once, and it does not indicate a pattern of behaviour and it does not mean that you should LTB or he you in this case.

I find it very sad that you are clearly at the end of your tether and all people can do on here is berate you and call you abusive, when you clearly need some help of some sort and some down time to yourself too.

I did this to my DP once, it was only once and will never be repeated. I have no memory of it. I got blind drunk and apparently we had an argument, he tried to hug me and I shoved him away, quite hard apparently, he wasn't hurt but was very upset obviously.

Everyone on this thread would probably tell DP to LTB. I told him to leave me. He probably should have. I have complex PTSD as a result of a very violent marriage and being raped as a child. I have zero memory of it. Nothing. I can't tell you what happened or where it came from.

I stopped drinking as a result and went back to trauma psychotherapy. I told DP to leave me as I thought my abusive past had turned me into an abuser. DP was having none of it. What I did was inexcusable. But he didn't leave me. I didn't change because of the possibility of him leaving me, I changed and addressed it so there was no further risk of it happening again. It scares the shit out of me. To think I lost control and I can't even remember it. What if I did that to DP again? Or a stranger or my DC?

OP you must look at this and work on yourself. Something is wrong. It doesn't matter if it's sleep deprivation or PND or anger issues or trauma. The change needs to happen and you are the only person who can change it. Don't sweep this under the carpet or try to excuse or rationalise it. This is your psychology telling you that something is amiss and you need to address it. Good luck.

The thing is a man posted this even if it was just ONCE and he was extremely stressed everyone shouts LTB and its always said that it WILL get worse. its never just a “one off” apparently

You probably should yhave just called him a fucking dickhead and sorted it out properly in the morning, because yes he was in the wrong, but now you are too! You shoved him, it was wrong, but it's not the end of the world and it doesn't make you an abuser.

Some people do deserve to be hurt, so I am not on board with the whole "you should never out your hands on people" thing, but this was definitely not one of those situations!

And I'm laughing at the idea that coming home very drink at night when there are kids at home warranty social services and alcohol support - maybe if it were happening more often! Talk about OTT.