I hit my husband - not proud

[Twirliegig]

I’ve currently got a 2 yr old and a 3 month old and really struggling. The baby has reflux so is very sicky and cluster feeds for about 2 hrs each night and wakes up every 2/3 hours til about 4am then every hour. The toddler also wakes up at night so we are exhausted but DH normally gets into toddlers bed and they both sleep there for the night.
DH is supportive in that he’s very hands on with kids which I really appreciate as I couldn’t do it without him and he probably does more than his fair share. On the emotional side I don’t feel supported- I’ve been feeling very down and not coping well with the baby as she doesn’t sleep in the day unless she’s in the sling and she cries most of the day- I don’t like the newborn phase and hoping it will get better with time. Whenever I’ve expressed how I’m feeling DH gets very defensive and somehow it ends in an argument- most of the time I’m not sure what about? I think we’re both tired and stressed.
Last night he went out and said he’d be back by 11 as that’s when the baby normally wakes to feed and toddler often wakes at the same time. He wAsnt back but i managed to feed and settle baby so just texted him to ask for an eta. He said half an hour- fine. It took a while to burp and settle baby so text him again but didn’t deliver so worried a bit. Then after another half hour toddler wakes up inconsolable that it’s me coming to him and not dad, so texted DH, gone back to friends house, back soon- fine. Toddler not settling so tried calling DH and it hangs up. We have each other on ‘find your friends’ app (for convenience, no issues with trust) and it says he’s in a park half an hour away?? So I start to panic and think he’s either gone to get drugs (out of character) or been attacked. I know I’m obviously OTT here but with sleep deprivation my mind was going crazy and I was shaking with panic and not knowing what to say to toddler about where he is.
He eventually comes home (it’s only 2.5 hours later than planned so I know it’s not that bad) and I ask what happens, he’s absolutely wasted drunk and just defensively says he’s going to bed. I’m still shaking with panic and I grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him. I know I need to control my anger and I regret being physical but I was so upset. I’ll obviously apologise but don’t know how to move on from this? Baby has been awake since about 4, I haven’t had any proper sleep since 11, just feel miserable right now.

Yep. Nobody has said that. Violence is wrong and op has admitted that.

So much victim blaming here.

Op what you did is not ok in any circumstance. Not post birth, or worried.

And yes everyone including men should be able to handle their 2 kids. Obviously if both start vomiting I could see phoning and asking him to come home.

If a man laid his finger on his wife because he was tired/not coping/depressed it wouldn't be ok.

And before people say 'well a man can hurt a woman more' that's not the only issue with violence in a relationship. The disrespect, the emotional damage is just as devestating.

I agree that a woman posting this after her night out would be told to call the police, LTB and think of the children. Sadly when it's a woman it's ok to blame the victim.

If he were my son and told me you had assaulted him, I'd be giving him the same advice I'd give my daughter which would be to leave. Nobody deserves to be physically abused by a partner that is supposed to love them.

Very disappointing to read the amount of victim blaming going on here. But not surprising.

Domestic violence is never acceptable or excusable, irrespective of the gender of the offender. And be under no illusions, OP - what you did was not just wrong, but a criminal offence. Way too much 'justification' in your post and in some of the responses. I look gorward to those same people telling a female victim of domestic violence that her husband is just struggling to cope, and she shouldn't have said she'd be back in half an hour, and she needs to step up and do more.

Unfortunately, once violence is used by a partner, it is rarely the only time. It's just the first time. So, right now, the statistics say that you are at serious risk of this becoming a pattern when you "panic". You need to take immediate, meaningful steps to tackle your behaviour WITHOUT trying to justify it in any way. That should include:

1. Immediately and unreservedly apologising to your husband, and being clear that the fault was yours. If you try to defend why you did it in any way, he should walk. Because it means you don't understand the severity of the line you crossed.

1. Speak to your GP / health visitor, and ask for help. Find counselling, and stick with it. You need to show a meaningful commitment to ensuring that you never do this again. That means tackling YOUR behaviour. This is a separate issue to any changes that may be needed to ensure you're coping with the children. It is about recognising that there is a flaw in your personality, that allowed you to take out your feelings on your partner violently. Contrary to what others on here are telling you, that can't be excused by the circumstances - it's about you, and you must tackle it.

1. Finally, you should look at what other arrangements might be needed to help you cope. It is not unreasonable for your husband to have a night out occasionally (and you should do the same). He should be able to do that without fear of reprisals. You've said that he is hands on and does a lot with the kids, but if you aren't coping with your part in this, look at what further help you need. You may need to consult with your health visitor or other health professional on this. They may wish to speak to social services, because your behaviour is a problem. Engage constructively with that, in order to get the help you need.

You have to understand OP, that what you did is a big deal. It's no good wringing tour hands, but not taking these practical steps to ensure it never happens again. Because it probably will.

Your husband now has a decision to make. If you don't commit to the steps above, he should leave and take steps to safeguard the children. And, even if he stays this time, he should leave if you ever raise a hand to him again.

I've just done something very shameful :(
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3423107-Ive-just-done-something-very-shameful

Similar thread

Between them, they have a 12 week old baby and a toddler. WTF is he doing going out and getting blind drunk? Why is no-one addressing that? And the fact that this is the FORTH time since the baby was born.

I'm sure OP is totally capable of looking after the children. If he had gone out for one or two drinks and come home at the time he had arranged, none of this would have happened. He is behaving like a massive man child.

Physical violence is never acceptable, but the op already knows that. There are many more problems at work here. You both need to sit down and talk.

Stop having children if you can't cope without being violent with their other parent.

Have you spoken to him this morning?

Absolutely no excuses for violence.

His behaviour was shit.

But if anyone I was in a relationship with ever got physical with me I'd be out the door. No exceptions. Stress isn't an excuse. When I'm stressed at work I don't act violently to my colleagues, it's not acceptable so it shouldn't be acceptable at home either.

I'd advise anyone, man or woman, to leave at the first sign of violence.

If my oh had been in that situation, massively sleep deprived, exhausted and suffering from anxiety by the sound of it, and I had chosen to merrily fuck off and get wankered with mates rather than to stay home and offer support, I would have expected him to lose his shit with me when I arrived home. Sleep deprivation is torture. Post natal depression and anxiety is hellish and deeply frightening and debilitating.

I think you both need to apologise.
You need to make a GP appointment.
Sounds like PND.
Please get help for that if you need it.
Could you leave both DC with him fur am hour today?
Just to get out for some headspace and fresh air?

So, it's his fault then @GobblersKnob? Same as domestic violence is always the woman's fault....

If she hadn't been talking to that other guy, nome of this would have happened....

If she had just cooled the meal properly, none of this would have happened...

If she didn't keep nagging at me, none of this would have happened...

Oh, and rape, of course:

If she hadn't been wearing a low cut dress and short skirt, none of this would have happened....

If she hadn't led me on, none of this would have happened...

Your attitude is part of reason why male victims of domestic violence are often reluctant to report it. People like you, who assume they must have deserved it. Try to understand this.....Domestic violence happens because of violent partners. Not because someone goes out for a drink. Or because they are late home. Nobody deserves to be assaulted. It's not fucking rocket science.

If my oh had been in that situation, massively sleep deprived, exhausted and suffering from anxiety by the sound of it, and I had chosen to merrily fuck off and get wankered with mates rather than to stay home and offer support, I would have expected him to lose his shit with me when I arrived home.

Would it be ok if he was violent towards you Gobblers?

Op, I think you should go to see your Gp. It sounds like you may have PND and you can get some support. (Ignore the nasty posters on here that are berating you about struggling with tiny dc).

Don't brush what happened under the carpet, but use it constructively as a spur to get help.

"Grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him" is not hitting him.

You're at the end of your tether OP. I don't blame you. You're not violent. You're desperate. I don't agree with the "OMG that's domestic abuse you have to leave you're an abuser" responses that posters often give. Does everyone who breaks the speed limit (and that'll be the vast majority of us) consider themselves criminals and law breakers? No. Things are on a continuum. You do need to talk to him - about how you are not coping and how you are both going to work together as a family unit. Apologise of course. But don't think you are a monster. Take care.

Oh for fucks sake, give the OP a break! Of course physical aggression isn't ok, she knows its not ok, but frustration, anger and quick to temper are well recognised symptoms of stress and anxiety. Its not making excuses, its recognising contributing factors.

OP, you don't have to feel like this, your GP can help. Please go and see them abd explain how you are feeling, and talk to your HV abput support in introducing a bottle to the baby so that you can get some decent sleep and a break. Sleep deprivation is hell and exacerbates other underlying problems. If you need a friendly ear and not a character assassination please feel free to PM me

None of those examples correlate. Violence is not acceptable and is not the answer. But neither is drinking. Both of them are wrong. Both of them need to make adjustments. If he had burnt dinner and she had shoved him, I would say he should leave. If she did the same thing again I would say he should leave.

But once, and when pushed to her breaking point by really shitty behaviour, I think they need to talk. She already realises how wrong she is. I would say the same regardless of sex.

I think we can all agree there is no need for any physical violence...EVER. Sleep deprivation can do awful things, I think your regret shows this was out of character for you BUT you need to make sure this NEVER happens again and profusely apologise - yes he was being a twat too, but you were way worse in your reaction. Also, if your partner does choose to go out again - he needs to sort help for you so that you aren't stuck alone if you can't cope.

As someone who is a single mum to two DC and has to cope with everything alone, I understand the struggle. I also understand the stress and anger that comes with a partner who doesn't pull their weight. I think you just need to really communicate your needs. Maybe state that he just can't have any more nights out for a while, or if he does that he must be home earlier.

Littlechocola, grabbed me by my top and shoved me? Yes, probably. Beat me around the head with an iron bar? No.

Thank god more sensible posters have arrived. Bloody Mumsnet at its finest.

Not read all the replies but I do think it’s interesting that had a man done this there’d be lots of ‘pack your bags’ ‘go to a safe place’

I think a lot of this depends on the nature of the ‘shove.’ Was he intimidated and fearful of you? Did it actually hurt him? If yes then this is an issue. If no then for God’s sake it’s not much of a big deal. Imo.

Hi OP sorry to hear your in a bad way. You’ve come on her not to brag about pushing your partner but you seem shameful about it. You know you have done wrong.
You need help - you may have PND - it’s hard work having 2 children - and poor sleep. You’ve not had a break either. Your bogged down.
You partner goes out monthly - you need to try and get a break.
Have you any family or friends who could help you - take the toddler off your hands for a break.
Have you heard of Homestart - you could refer yourself or please talk to your health visitor and your GP.
It will get better - don’t beat your self up - I’m sure you are already feeling like shit.🌺

Can you maybe spend some time looking into sleep training for the toddler. If you H is spending every night cramped onto a toddler bed he probably isn’t have a nice life either.

You need a frank conversation about what you are going to do to solve the problems. You could also maybe see your Gp to discuss your own mood and trouble with the new baby, and see if they can refer you for an anger management course so you know better how to cope without lashing out.

I’m sure there was a thread on here the other day where a man shoved his wife and everyone told her to LTB.

Littlechocola, grabbed me by my top and shoved me? Yes, probably*

Gobbler- I'm sad for you that you would accept this.

Physical violence on ANY level isn't acceptable. Stop brushing it off because it was 'just' a shove. Any violence done in anger is wrong & highlights that there is an issue. I agree, had a woman posted that her male OH had done this, or if a OP was male the responses would be SO different.