I hit my husband - not proud

[Twirliegig]

I’ve currently got a 2 yr old and a 3 month old and really struggling. The baby has reflux so is very sicky and cluster feeds for about 2 hrs each night and wakes up every 2/3 hours til about 4am then every hour. The toddler also wakes up at night so we are exhausted but DH normally gets into toddlers bed and they both sleep there for the night.
DH is supportive in that he’s very hands on with kids which I really appreciate as I couldn’t do it without him and he probably does more than his fair share. On the emotional side I don’t feel supported- I’ve been feeling very down and not coping well with the baby as she doesn’t sleep in the day unless she’s in the sling and she cries most of the day- I don’t like the newborn phase and hoping it will get better with time. Whenever I’ve expressed how I’m feeling DH gets very defensive and somehow it ends in an argument- most of the time I’m not sure what about? I think we’re both tired and stressed.
Last night he went out and said he’d be back by 11 as that’s when the baby normally wakes to feed and toddler often wakes at the same time. He wAsnt back but i managed to feed and settle baby so just texted him to ask for an eta. He said half an hour- fine. It took a while to burp and settle baby so text him again but didn’t deliver so worried a bit. Then after another half hour toddler wakes up inconsolable that it’s me coming to him and not dad, so texted DH, gone back to friends house, back soon- fine. Toddler not settling so tried calling DH and it hangs up. We have each other on ‘find your friends’ app (for convenience, no issues with trust) and it says he’s in a park half an hour away?? So I start to panic and think he’s either gone to get drugs (out of character) or been attacked. I know I’m obviously OTT here but with sleep deprivation my mind was going crazy and I was shaking with panic and not knowing what to say to toddler about where he is.
He eventually comes home (it’s only 2.5 hours later than planned so I know it’s not that bad) and I ask what happens, he’s absolutely wasted drunk and just defensively says he’s going to bed. I’m still shaking with panic and I grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him. I know I need to control my anger and I regret being physical but I was so upset. I’ll obviously apologise but don’t know how to move on from this? Baby has been awake since about 4, I haven’t had any proper sleep since 11, just feel miserable right now.

Be sad away. Oh had never hit me. I am a raging feminist. I am also human and live in the real world.

Considering men tend to be bigger, heavier and stronger than women, and 2 women a week die at the hands of male partners/ex-partners, LTB is very good advice in those cases.

I wish people would come onto these threads to offer advice instead of just to point-score about so-called double standards on MN.

Ok, op has acknowledged her behaviour was terrible. How is saying that over and over going to help her family?

Op, I understand sleep deprivation, I do, it's hell. But honestly, it sounds as if you could also have pnd, have you ever thought so?

I think a trip to the gp would be a good idea.

I hope your husband is up to helping you today, going out and getting pissed is a luxury your family, as a unit, can't afford at the moment.

Op you need to see your GP. I suspect PND but there's still no excuse for what you've done. Had the roles been reversed I'd be telling you to leave.

When you approach your husband about this, just apologise. Without discussing his behaviour. Because that is the abuser's way out. Stop focusing on the reasons why you shoved him - they are actually reasons why you were upset, not reasons why you shoved him. How to move on? If your husband wants to stay with you, you need to actively look for methods to deal with the situation you are in, and you can't do that if you are explaining why the current "method" is justified.

Phone tracking apps are not accurate enough to know if someone is in a park, or walking past a park, or in a building a few hundred yards away from the park (or lying in bed having drunkenly dropped their phone in a park). You say that even though it would be out of character for your husband, you instantly thought he was doing drugs. That makes no sense: if he's not the type to do drugs, then you wouldn't even come up with that idea. So either he is the type to do drugs or your thinking patterns have gone haywire. Agree with others that you should see your GP and look into PND. Perhaps your partner should also see a doctor, as it sounds like he's not really coping either.

Op I think you were in the wrong, you appear to know this. What your husband did was thoughtless and a bit selfish, but your behaviour was needlessly agressive and out of control.

Having said that, if this is a one off and out of character I’d say that a sincere apology and explanation that you are struggling should suffice. See your gp about how you’re feeling. I do sympathise with your situation.

In future if your DH is off on a night out, have a later eta so you don’t clock watch and get yourself wound up.

Equally arrange for ‘you’ nights too...either out with friends or just have an odd night off here and there to sleep in peace while DH deals with both children as if you were out.

Hope things are better going forward.

Christ alive I must be an absolutely terrible person because I actually think a shove under these circumstances is fairly understandable! I would be raging that you are not coping well and were left for the FOURTH time since having DC2 for him to go and get wankered, lie about when he’s coming home and be randomly in a park.

Yes it’s a double standard but I do think if a man did this it would be worse. And yes women can perform domestic violence but I do not think this is it. Is it the sign of a healthy relationship? No. But OP is clearly struggling and needs some assistance from GP.

It’s not ok how everyone is piling in on her, IMO, but then I’m sure I will get pilloried too for my opinion (which I don’t mind actually because I can see I’m in the minority so must just be bizarre that I think this way 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I am a raging feminist.

Too absorbed in women's rights to recognise that those rights apply to men as well?

How can anyo e one same violence is wrong but so is drinking. Let's start with the fact that one of them is illegal.

It doesn't matter why she did what she did. Nothing excuses violence. From anyone.

Bombardier25966, strange interpretation of the term feminism there.

Considering men tend to be bigger, heavier and stronger than women, and 2 women a week die at the hands of male partners/ex-partners, LTB is very good advice in those cases.

I wish people wouldn't come onto threads that don't understand that DV isn't just about how much you can physically hurts someone. I wish people wouldn't come on to threads pretending the victims of DV don't feel disrespected, humiliated and a shell of themseleves.

People clearly don't understand the impacts of abuse, or like to ignore them when it comes to men.

The title of this thread should be..

i hit my husband, not proud- but looking for a good excuse*

OP you know the full context and background to how you were feeling. This was clearly done in the heat of the moment. If he wasn’t scared or hurt and it’s not a regular thing then please forgive yourself and try to see that the nub of all this is exhaustion. Has your DH raised the shove with you? If not I’d be surprised if he even mentioned it

What was he doing in the park?

Gobbler you’ve obviously not got very high standards. Would you accept a shove from a colleague? Or is it only acceptable if it’s from someone that you ‘love’?

People clearly don't understand the impacts of abuse, or like to ignore them when it comes to men.

I understand abuse better than most. My father used to regularly beat my mother and my brothers. Usually with the end of a belt, sometimes throwing water on her to wake her up or holding her head near a head source. If he came over to my mother with the intention to shove her, yes it would’ve have been abusive. It’s all about the intent, the level of fear and concern and, mostly important CONTEXT. Thankfully she LTB when I was young but still, I’ve seen a lot of it and the repercussions. Also then went on to date someone who choked and shoved me several times before leaving. Again, CONTEXT.

If my DH now shoved me (and he never, ever would) but it would not be a LTB scenario because I Am no more scared of him than I am a kitten. And visa versa.

*heat

It's all well and good blaming yourself and making yourself feel worse than you already do, but frankly, the focus here needs to be on how your husband feels.

Does he feel intimidated or scared by you now as a result?
Did the shove genuinely hurt him and leave marks?
Is he concerned that it's going to happen again and perhaps escalate further?
Does he feel like a victim of domestic violence?
Does he want to leave you because of it?

I don't completely feel as though a man beating up a woman or throwing her around is comparable to a woman 'shoving' her husband after experiencing insane sleep deprivation, and being left to deal with both babies for the fourth time in 3 months whilst her husband goes out and gets wankered and feeds her bunch of lies regarding his whereabouts. But, that being said, any form of violence naturally isn't okay.

I'd be surprised if your husband even brings this up tbh, let alone if he comes to you and thinks that there's now a domestic violence issue within your marriage. You know in yourself if you're likely to act that way again and he knows within himself whether he feels safe around you going forward.

I hope the two of you can work it out. Honestly while the situation does seem to have gotten out of control, I don't think it's as bad as some posters are making out.

As said tell him you are extremely sorry you regret what happened don't try and justify it, tell him you know it was a completely inappropriate and unjustifiable thing to do, tell him you will make an effort to control your temper in the future.

There are clearly other issues that need to be dealt with.

CoffeeAtCentralPerk

What a sensible and eloquent post!!!!!!!!!

I agree with what @coffee says, if your husband wants to discuss this incident further I would start the discussion around the themes indicated in her post ie does he feel intimidated or scared by you now etc

If my DH now shoved me (and he never, ever would) but it would not be a LTB scenario because I Am no more scared of him than I am a kitten. And visa versa.

Well then you need to raise your standards. Would you leave if he did it twice? At what point would you become scared?

What level of violence is acceptable?

If you keep the discussion along the lines of 'I shoved you because you got drunk and stayed out late'
Then it can shift into 'you deserve for me to get drunk and stay out late because you are abusive towards me' you can see how things could escalate and get tangled.

focus on the shoving incident as a separate thing which was wrong, inappropriate and unjustified
you do not want physical retaliation to become a feature in your relationship
quarantine this incident, stop it getting woven into the fabric of your interactions

Why shouldn't the husband be allowed to go out once in a while? The OP has said she wouldn't out of choice that doesn't mean that the husband should stay at home too.
OP is not dealing with the root cause of the problem, she says she is struggling but not
Seeking help? Why not?
She manages when hubby is at work why not for one night?
Domestic violence is never acceptable no matter how much you are pushed into it. If we pass it off this time and say it was only a shove, what about next time? A slap maybe?
What about the OP getting angry and shoving the children? She obviously cannot control her anger at all.
Seek help OP before it gets worse. You owe it to yourself and your family.

I agree FFS everyone this is an ill woman. No it's never ok to be aggressive or violent but the OP has no form for this, she knows she's done wrong and she can't cope. She has reached out expressing that she can't cope and her DH has ignored all the signs. Whilst being aggressive isn't ok, she's hardly beat him to a pulp. She hasn't even hit him, she's grabbed and shoved him out of shear desperation and illness. We all know violence isn't acceptable, the op knows this too. She needs advice to seek help, not berating. I had a friend with PND she seriously thought about killing her own kids to spite her unsupportive DH, that's what PND can in rare and severe cases do to the mind. The OP hasn't done this because her food wasn't warm enough or because she didn't like what her DH was wearing. She's likely at the end of her tether and very ill, such actions are out of character and part of the illness. Mental health problems can cause people to behave out of character, take a look at those who suffer mania, cheating and spending all their money buying random items like 100 potato pealers to give out to strangers. Do not under estimate how MH issues can affect a person's reasoning