I hit my husband - not proud

[Twirliegig]

I’ve currently got a 2 yr old and a 3 month old and really struggling. The baby has reflux so is very sicky and cluster feeds for about 2 hrs each night and wakes up every 2/3 hours til about 4am then every hour. The toddler also wakes up at night so we are exhausted but DH normally gets into toddlers bed and they both sleep there for the night.
DH is supportive in that he’s very hands on with kids which I really appreciate as I couldn’t do it without him and he probably does more than his fair share. On the emotional side I don’t feel supported- I’ve been feeling very down and not coping well with the baby as she doesn’t sleep in the day unless she’s in the sling and she cries most of the day- I don’t like the newborn phase and hoping it will get better with time. Whenever I’ve expressed how I’m feeling DH gets very defensive and somehow it ends in an argument- most of the time I’m not sure what about? I think we’re both tired and stressed.
Last night he went out and said he’d be back by 11 as that’s when the baby normally wakes to feed and toddler often wakes at the same time. He wAsnt back but i managed to feed and settle baby so just texted him to ask for an eta. He said half an hour- fine. It took a while to burp and settle baby so text him again but didn’t deliver so worried a bit. Then after another half hour toddler wakes up inconsolable that it’s me coming to him and not dad, so texted DH, gone back to friends house, back soon- fine. Toddler not settling so tried calling DH and it hangs up. We have each other on ‘find your friends’ app (for convenience, no issues with trust) and it says he’s in a park half an hour away?? So I start to panic and think he’s either gone to get drugs (out of character) or been attacked. I know I’m obviously OTT here but with sleep deprivation my mind was going crazy and I was shaking with panic and not knowing what to say to toddler about where he is.
He eventually comes home (it’s only 2.5 hours later than planned so I know it’s not that bad) and I ask what happens, he’s absolutely wasted drunk and just defensively says he’s going to bed. I’m still shaking with panic and I grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him. I know I need to control my anger and I regret being physical but I was so upset. I’ll obviously apologise but don’t know how to move on from this? Baby has been awake since about 4, I haven’t had any proper sleep since 11, just feel miserable right now.

The fact you think it is ok to shove/hit someone says more about you than anything else.

In fairness, that's not what she said. She said it's okay to hit someone when you are tired, and they have pissed you off. Which is different, apparently.

TheDancingBear well that’s alright then

If my husband did that to me if shove him across the room too.

Ffs. All about the menz.
It is totally DIFFERENT being an exhausted MOTHER. who has given birth and biologically still affected. Men are nowhere near the same kind of parent, they dont get pnd, they arent as absolutely drained as most of them fuck off out all day. Its a piece of piss being a father, part time and sodding walk in the park.
Noone said its ok, noone. But motherhood and the strains of it can drive women mad, whilst men carry on their lives as before whilst babysitting a small child from time to time.
Being a mother of young kids is fucking hard and men cannot understand that short of being tired and not being given sex often enough.
Disclaimer, no its not ok but op needs help.

Just reading through the whole thread again - lots of helpful advice and I am going to see a doctor as obviously I’m not coping and what I did was completely out of order and out of character.
I’m not coming back to the thread now as it’s making me feel quite anxious- there have been some very upsetting comments about how I should be able to cope, they’ve been able to handle it in more difficult situations etc - well yes I fucking well know this, that’s why I’ve tried to talk to DH and mentioned it here. I don’t need people telling me how ridiculous it is that I can’t cope- I know.
People have said that DH should leave, my children shouldn’t be around me, there were suggestions that the police should have been called, SS would be concerned about me as I’ve been struggling.

Some people have just completely made stuff up like my husband must be scared of me and that I’m lucky he’s so submissive. Also that I was shaking with anger (I already explained this but no I was worried because of things that have happed when DH has been drunk in the past), that I’m looking for excuses. I have no where said that what I did is excusable because my husband was drunk (btw he was absolutely wasted on this occasion, way too drunk to handle either kids- just clarifying, not excusing - before I get accused again!)

VietnameseCrispyFish: Why did choose the title- ‘I hit my husband’ ? Because in my head a shove is as bad/the same as hitting someone. There must be more to this than meets the eye? No there’s not, and this hasn’t happened before. Why are you trying to add to the drama?

Anyway, I’m sorting this. Thanks for the responses.

Ffs. All about the menz.
It is totally DIFFERENT being an exhausted MOTHER. who has given birth and biologically still affected. Men are nowhere near the same kind of parent, they dont get pnd, they arent as absolutely drained as most of them fuck off out all day. Its a piece of piss being a father, part time and sodding walk in the park.
Noone said its ok, noone. But motherhood and the strains of it can drive women mad, whilst men carry on their lives as before whilst babysitting a small child from time to time.
Being a mother of young kids is fucking hard and men cannot understand that short of being tired and not being given sex often enough.
Disclaimer, no its not ok but op needs help.

Baubles, your giving great insight into the men in your life. Unfortunately for you, you can't tar them all with the same brush.
The OP had said, in her original post that her hubby does more than his fair share- so your argument is null and void.
While you portray yourself as a feminist, you sound more like a misandrist.

I hope you don't have sons.

Ffs. All about the menz.

Ffs usually condescending insults that are thrown at women on mn who dare to disagree with some posters. Who would have thought a woman having her own opinion would be so offensive to other women.

These insults are used when the point of the conversation has been lost and the poster has nowhere else to go.

If it's ok for the stresses and strains of motherhood to result in shoving......is it ok if the mother does that to their child? Or work colleague? Or someone in the street?

And for clarification, lots of men's lives don't remain the same. My ex turned into an abusive bastard.

However, his life did change. He did more than his fair share with the kids. Just like the ops husband.

This woman does have support. Her husband does more than his fair share. The op said that herself.

Why won't some posters acknowledge it.

No one is disputing that having a baby and bringing up children is extremely difficult. However, no one forces you to have a child it is a choice.

70sbaubles

Men are nowhere near the same kind of parent, they dont get pnd, they arent as absolutely drained as most of them fuck off out all day. Its a piece of piss being a father, part time and sodding walk in the park.

The NHS disagrees with you that men don’t get PND and all of them find being a father a ‘piece of piss part time sodding walk in the park’.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-natal-depression/

I assume you think this applies to single dads whose partners died in childbirth, gay men who adopt newborn too?

Glad you’re seeing a doctor OP. If you have any understanding of the severity of your actions recently you’ll tell them honestly what happened with your husband. Brushing it under the carpet and concealing it will only prove you think it’s not a big deal. You can move past this I think, but it takes acknowledging what you did, and not just to strangers on a forum, real people who can get you the help you need.

twirliegig

I agree that the OP needs help (though it sounds like she's getting plenty from her husband tbf). But that help absolutely shouldn't consist of excusing and validating what she's done (which risks starting a cycle of escalating violence). People on this thread have bent over backwards to do this, and it's very eye-opening.

OP I just want to tell you that I can totally understand how this happened and I’m surprised you’re getting such a hard time for it. My reactions to things are so amplified and out of character with my DS not sleeping and it’s so easy to spiral out of control. Whilst hitting someone is obviously not the answer, I think you need to be cut some slack here (as I can totally see myself doing the same ). Are you speaking to your HV and GP about the challenges with your baby?

Men are nowhere near the same kind of parent, they dont get pnd, they arent as absolutely drained as most of them fuck off out all day. Its a piece of piss being a father, part time and sodding walk in the park.

Best tell my DH who has full residency of his DC whilst their 'D'M who only has indirect court contact, that being a DF is a piece off piss and a walk in the park hey.

Pathetic steretyping.

SS would be concerned about me as I’ve been struggling

But OP, this is true: a frazzled mum with possible PND, a father getting wasted with a newish baby in the house, escalating to physical abuse? SS would certainly want to check things out further to make sure your children are safe. SS aren’t for ‘people not like us’. Ever heard of the toxic triangle? Kids with mental health problems, substance abuse and violence in the home are at huge risk for their own MH problems later in life, repeating these behaviours, learning terrible damaging coping mechanisms. Like it or not, this isn’t a good situation for them to be in (not saying it’s all down to you), and I do hope that people become aware who can keep an eye on things and assess things clearly from the outside.

Some people have just completely made stuff up like [...] that I’m lucky he’s so submissive
This is also true; you are lucky that he has accepted your shoving him, and not used it against you or taken it as a reason to leave you. Or shoved you back. Of course you can't rely on him being OK with you shoving him. You were lucky this time.

No wounder he was out , ex was a stress monster with the kids I helped kept down a job despite being sleep deprived and then get it in the neck about not supporting her emotionally. I turned tail and walked out, never looked back. No excuse for lashing out.

Men are nowhere near the same kind of parent, they dont get pnd, they arent as absolutely drained as most of them fuck off out all day.

Good luck convincing all the cool wives around here who think feminism is solely for giving us access to the bad parts of equality while still foregoing the positives..