I hit my husband - not proud

[Twirliegig]

I’ve currently got a 2 yr old and a 3 month old and really struggling. The baby has reflux so is very sicky and cluster feeds for about 2 hrs each night and wakes up every 2/3 hours til about 4am then every hour. The toddler also wakes up at night so we are exhausted but DH normally gets into toddlers bed and they both sleep there for the night.
DH is supportive in that he’s very hands on with kids which I really appreciate as I couldn’t do it without him and he probably does more than his fair share. On the emotional side I don’t feel supported- I’ve been feeling very down and not coping well with the baby as she doesn’t sleep in the day unless she’s in the sling and she cries most of the day- I don’t like the newborn phase and hoping it will get better with time. Whenever I’ve expressed how I’m feeling DH gets very defensive and somehow it ends in an argument- most of the time I’m not sure what about? I think we’re both tired and stressed.
Last night he went out and said he’d be back by 11 as that’s when the baby normally wakes to feed and toddler often wakes at the same time. He wAsnt back but i managed to feed and settle baby so just texted him to ask for an eta. He said half an hour- fine. It took a while to burp and settle baby so text him again but didn’t deliver so worried a bit. Then after another half hour toddler wakes up inconsolable that it’s me coming to him and not dad, so texted DH, gone back to friends house, back soon- fine. Toddler not settling so tried calling DH and it hangs up. We have each other on ‘find your friends’ app (for convenience, no issues with trust) and it says he’s in a park half an hour away?? So I start to panic and think he’s either gone to get drugs (out of character) or been attacked. I know I’m obviously OTT here but with sleep deprivation my mind was going crazy and I was shaking with panic and not knowing what to say to toddler about where he is.
He eventually comes home (it’s only 2.5 hours later than planned so I know it’s not that bad) and I ask what happens, he’s absolutely wasted drunk and just defensively says he’s going to bed. I’m still shaking with panic and I grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him. I know I need to control my anger and I regret being physical but I was so upset. I’ll obviously apologise but don’t know how to move on from this? Baby has been awake since about 4, I haven’t had any proper sleep since 11, just feel miserable right now.

I was confused about why there was a discussion on whether it would be worse if a man had done the same to a woman, as nothing in my post suggested that I thought that. I’m tired. I can’t think straight and I’m confused by your comments - basically what I did was shitty and I know that (hence my posting) - seems like you’re looking for an argument.

Bollocks bollocks bollocks. Been on the receiving end of DV, someone above posted that "an abuser wouldn't type this post" you know what - some abusers fucking get off on it. ExH told MY fucking MH professional the first time he hit me. Of course he phrased it similar - couldn't believe what he'd done, very ashamed, wasn't hard, wouldn't happen again etc

And of course it happened again. Not immediately, but one day I did call women's aid and now I ring 999 if he comes anywhere near me.

So bollocks. Sort yourself out OP. Kids are hard, life is hard, drunk partners are idiots, and STILL it's not excusable.

I really hope you sort this problem from the source. Don't allow yourself or others to make excuses and make a change.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain - control: what was I controlling? I just asked him for an eta as when I woke up and thought he’s be back he wasn’t.
Checking up- I knew the pub had closed and was started to worry. Like I said, no trust issues. More that I’m not thinking rationally and went straight to worrying if he was ok. Also mentioned we track each other for mundane reasons- see if we’re close to each other in traffic etc
Verbal aggression? You’re reading into this way more than dh now

This entire thing reads like a whole bunch of excuses. You tried to physically hurt the person you love, the person you admit does more than his fair share. Putting aside how he felt in this moment (just for a second), you need to get yourself sorted. I don't care if you have 2 or 20 young children, that's never an excuse for anyone to stay in a relationship where they are physically threatened. There are so many people who don't think that hitting or shoving a man is a big deal or similar to a man doing that to a woman, but there is a current police campaign indicating the damage that one punch can do. What if he had of fallen and smashed his head in? Would your excuses stand up then? Would it be his fault?
I know you feel bad, which is good as you know it was wrong and can't happen again. Remember that one day your children will be pushing your buttons like this, and you need to get a grip before that happens.

I bet you're glad that he's so submissive that he didn't really call you out on your behaviour.
So many men don't report or seek support for DV because of the stigma attached.
You've managed to add to this rhetoric, congrats.

I know if he was my son, and you had shoved/ hit him, I would be advising him to give you a wide berth until you could control yourself.

For gods sake on all threads like these theres the 'a woman hitting a man is exactly the same as a man hitting a woman'.... you all know that's absolute bullshit because of the social context and usually the size and upbringing of people involved.

I'm not saying that women cannot be domestic abusers and that should be taken very seriously. But in cases like the one the op describes where it is not systematic abuse but someone losing their shit one time it is VERY different between the sexes.

It's WRONG for a woman to hit a man but let's not deny that in a situation like the one the op describes if the sexes were swapped it would also be wrong but on top of that it would be dangerous and incredibly frightening. Unless theres some unusual disparity in size and life experience that the OP has not shared like she is a 6ft professional boxer! If that's not the case it remains a fact that most men could easily kill a woman if they snapped and became physically violent towards her. Theres also the fact that we live in a patriarchal society where women have been controlled with violence for hundreds of years and men have been brought up and socialised in many cases to understand how to control through violence. In the majority of cases it has a very different effect when a man is violent towards a woman than when a woman is violent to a man.... so of course peoples response will be different to the two situations.

So I second pp in saying that the op does need to address her behaviour and get help for the bad way she is handling the stress she is under... she needs to reach out to her GP and her health visitor. She needs to flag up with family and friends that she needs some more support . She needs to apologise to her husband.
But dont get totally nuts. She doesn't need to leave the family home etc... she just needs to take ownership of what she has done and take steps to ensure she doesn't react like that again. And no that is not what I would say if the sexes were reversed.

I know if he was my son, and you had shoved/ hit him, I would be advising him to give you a wide berth until you could control yourself

Me too as well as advising him to ensure the children's safety. No different advice for either sex, both would be equally wrong if they did this.

If she was an abuser she wouldn't be admitting it here.

Many men apologise after and say they never ment it. Would you say the same to them?

She shoved him she didn't outright hit him.

Irrelevant. A shove can cause as much damage as a hit, especially if the person is drunk.

Op toddler and newborn is hard. Really hard. I imagine a lot of people on here have lost a bit of sanity in that predicament. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture... chat it through with dh and say could he just let you know if he'll be late. You don't expect him to jump when you say jump but just so you roughly know when to expect him.

My dh often says I'll be home at x time from work so as that time comes I'm thinking yesssss here comes my relief! A second pair of hands! If he isn't there at that time I don't go bananas or anything but do know the disappointment you feel of not having someone there to help out when you thought you'd be there.

If you do feel terrible and think pnd, obviously best to see the professionals. I really don't think you're an ogre for losing it in a stressful, sleep deprived, difficult time. Take it easy on yourself. I'm sure you know to apologise to husband and avoid it in future.

LOL at the idea that because one punch (from a MAN, almost always) can seriously injure, a shove is truly horrifying and should be regarded as a prelude to deadly violence.

Virtue signaling so we all know you're very, very condemnatory of women's violence, too, is so transparent. The reason there's a difference is that no, a woman CANNOT, almost ever, inflict serious damage on a man or lasting harm without premeditation. In fact, this is a lot of why women end up mostly charged with premeditated homicides (because they have to plan how to kill someone, if they want to kill), while men often get various second-degree or manslaughter, "heat of the moment" lesser charges because of the damage one punch or a brief outburst of anger can do when wielded by a man. Most 12-13 year old boys are fully capable of taking down an adult woman, even if she is fighting back with all her strength. Most adult women, without extensive training or planning or a weapon, wouldn't be able to take down an adult man, even if he was physically out of shape or retirement age.

There is no epidemic of women murdering men, including with their bare hands, in the UK or anywhere else. There IS an epidemic of violence the other way around.

Too many comments to respond to and I’m not trying to justify or minimise anything, but YepImafraidIchangeditagain - please don’t just make stuff up. There was no verbal abuse, and who said anything about my DH being ‘so submissive’?

Theres some bloody nasty bints on here sticking the boot it. She's admitted she was wrong and needs help yet the witch hunt continues.
Two little ones is fucking hard particularly when you have a carrot dangling husband making fake promises of support.
All this id make my son stay away bollocks. Id make my son get her help and look at the marriage to see how they can work it out. I would also do the same to a daughter, as a one off, in this situation.
Comparing it to ficking rape and dv, well youve clearly no idea of the difference.
Op i hope the nasty bunch havrnt made you feel even shitter. Apologise, seek support and never do it again.

WombOfOnesOwn statistics for that statement re women never being able to kill a man without premeditation please. Some women can damn well pack a punch & size is irrelevant sometimes - i say that as someone who did martial arts & got my ass handed to me by a scrawny 14 year old girl. Obviously training is irrelevant here but i am still interested in the statistics.

It is sad that as a society we excuse ANY violence bar self defence. Losing your temper & control - which is what happened here - is something that needs dealing with, not excusing.

70sbaubles have you ever experienced DV love? It usually starts as a 'one off', 'just' a shove. So people who are banging on about it & imploring OP to deal with it aren't doing it for the sake of it. Interesting that you'd whip your son into helping out the marriage when OP has already admitted hers does MORE than his fair share...

Op just take this time to make the most of your bond with baby as it a wonderful thing one of the best things in this world but not easy and so so easy to panic when you are tired. When baby and little one nap you nap just take every chance to rest and recharge you batteries. Forget about what your partner has been up to he needs to grow up and pull his weight. Why is he out all the time when he should be watching the kids for a moment while you have time for a relaxing bath or a sleep only now and then but that usually helped me when I had toddlers and a baby just time to think that's all.

Yes I have 'love'.

Women were far more likely to be killed by partners or ex-partners (50% of female victims aged 16 and over compared with 3% of male victims aged 16 and over), whereas men were more likely to be killed by friends or acquaintances (32% of male victims aged 16 and over compared with 10% of female victims aged 16 and over).

From the office of national statistics. So a vast vast difference in the numbers of women killed by their partners to men killed by their partners. A very very vast difference.

OP you snapped. You know that.

I was very cranky with my DP one night when he stayed out and kept fobbing me off with on his way then stumbled in. I was pregnant at the time and felt like such a cliche - the old ball and chain he didn't want to come home to. I was also jealous of his night out. I gave out to him for about ten minutes when he rolled in drunk before I got some perspective and realised he rarely did this and was entitled to a bit of fun. I apologised the next day when he was sober obviously!

Two things you need to do -

The first is to apologise and express how genuine you are and assure him you will never do it again. Address this separately, be sincere and don't muddy the apology with excuses. Ask him to please forgive you and say you'd like to move on.

The second topic to speak to your partner about is how to avoid that level of stress and anxiety again. You need some extra support. Is there anyone who can help? I have a teenager babysit for a couple of hours once or twice a week. It gives me a chance to get on top of the laundry, wash my hair or sometimes just have a nap! Also, your partner is not blameless in adding to your stress levels. He was being very inconsiderate having a spontaneous late night out when you were expecting him home. It wasn't fair. Why was he in the park (or was he even there)? Ask him to please just let you know the next time so you can manage at home.

And organise some time out for yourself - even a nice lunch out with friends.

And that doesn't differentiate between men killed by female partners and men killed by thier Male partners so you are probably looking at even less than 3% of homicides.

Comparing it to ficking rape and dv, well youve clearly no idea of the difference.

I know what 'only a shove' can escalate. How about you don't dismiss others experiences.

Comparing it to ficking rape and dv, well youve clearly no idea of the difference.

Who compared it to rape?

You already know you shouldn't have put your hands on him.

I don't get why he would be in a park, unless that has been clarified and I missed it.

Women definitely get a much easier time than men on here. The other day a man uncharacteristically told a 16yo to Fu CK off and it was LTB.

We are all human and can all lose control. Doesn't make us a monster.

I do think you need better support from him and 2. 5 hours late when you are home with two small babies is not acceptable.

It hasnt escalated has it, and it isnt rape.
If it happens again yes shes an abuser.
How aboyt you stop being so obtuse.

Who said it was rape? Or even like rape?