Drug using bf with complex ex issues

[Sarah860]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I feel i need some unbiased and neutral advice about a situation i have found myself in, especially as its something i can't speak to my friends and family about.
I will try and keep it simple! Basically i have fallen in love with a man who i have found out has drink and drug issues. I knew he was quite a big drinker from the start but gradually over the months he admitted he takes cocaine. Now i've found out his ex (who is the mother of his kids) takes heroin and the social services are involved and it's becoming a very serious situation.
Obviously it's a horrific situation to be in and i feel for him massively and understand what stress it's been causing him. However i also feel , having only just found this out that perhaps it's a situation that is something i just dont want to be involved in. I'm sad its taken him so long to tell me.
Though conversely I also feel if you claim to love someone then you shouldn't just walk away from them, you should support them. However, and this is something ive felt from the start - i also feel his ex is the silent third partner in the relationship. And due to the issues and drama around what's going on with her, i feel this is going to be the way its going to be for the foreseeable future. I'm not sure his head is in the right space t o be entering into a new and serious relationship with me with all of this going on.
It feels like i am a welcome distraction from the stress of his 'normal' life for him and when he sees me he gets a break from it. I want to know he's with me for the right reasons. I still feel, regardless of what he says, that he has feelings for his ex and i worry this is just going to send me into a spiral of negativity when what i need to be doing right now is looking after myself, my children and focusing on building a good future for them.
I realise what i am typing probably comes across as selfish. It's not that i dont recognise the sadness of what's happening and obviously the bigger picture is the welfare of the children involved.
I really would welcome some advice, thanks x

Why do you feel for him?

How long have you been together?

I can't see anything at all redeeming about this man.

Thanks for the reply.

6 months so it's still early days.

He has lots of good qualities and he's trying to do the right thing by getting help.

Run. Fast. This can't end well for you.

Run for the hills and never look back!

Far too much drama.
Hills that way >>>>>

Maybe in a few years if he has his life more together then you could get back with him, but right now this looks like a lot of pain on the horizon for you.

6 months?
Leave.

He isn’t your problem. And having an alcoholic and drug addict for a partner in the long term - really?

Run away. Don't walk. Even without the drugs it's too much drama and stress. With drink and drugs in the equation, it's a nightmare. Run

Christ almighty. Stay with him if you consider your life to be of no significance and you’re happy to waste it in stress and misery.

I told him I had serious reservations about the relationship continuing when i found out about everything and it really shocked me and upset me. We had a massive heart to heart about it and he pretty much begged me for my help and not to leave him. I want to be there for him and support him but i get a bad feeling about it. I believe there are feelings there still for his ex and i know she plays on his mind because of how much he references her in conversation. But he says he doesn't love her and that he loves me. And i genuinely do love being with him and around him. I feel so conflicted.

Walk away from it. You've got kids to think about. Why waste time you can be dedicating to them on him.

Meant to say - who’d knowingly chose that going into a relationship.

At 6 month this is still early early days. You are still in the ‘infatuation’ part of a relationship. Normally at that time - people see no faults with their loved one yet. And then, slowly, real picture of the person emerges.
Don’t wait for it all to get worse.

Yet another woman who thinks it's her duty to fix a man.
Strap yourself in for the ride, if you're up for that.

he pretty much begged me for my help

He needs to help himself. He's only going to drag you down and stress you out. Him...his Ex...the drugs...do you want this drama in your life?

Life's too short to choose to take on so much drama when it's such early days in your relationship. If the mother has her children taken off her, are they likely to be placed with your partner? Your post doesn't read like he's 'the one', more that you feel sorry for him/want to help him. It's not worth the trauma.

I don't feel it's my 'duty' to fix him - but i do recognise i seem to get myself into relationships with men who say to me, "You make me want to be a better man".
The last three have said that, which makes me think about the kind of men i am attracting - or am attracted to.

I only had to read the title. Dump him. He needs help. But you are not a counsellor / social worker /drug addiction counsellor.
You can't help him. Even with the best will in the world. If he's serious about getting help then you leaving him might be a wake up call.
You're not coming across as selfish, but even if you were, so what?!
A phrase I've read on mn - you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
He's made a series of choices to end up in his situation. You have a choice here to - protect yourself and say goodbye to him

Run
Foster carer here, seen so many of these relationships.
They will get back together.
Don’t put your children through this, it’s not fair.

A relationship with someone who has drug and alcohol problems is never going to be happy or stable long term. If this new man of yours was serious about tackling his issues it might be a different thing, but he clearly isn't.

He needs to stop drinking and taking drugs before he has anything to offer you. I'm a sober alcoholic and I can tell you that if he was determined to help his ex or his DC he would get himself sober. He's a crap prospect as a partner. Let him go.

Take three deep breaths.
Now run. As fast as you can, away from him.
You only have one life. Why fuck it up?

Why would you want a partner who has serious addiction problems when you have children?

You have children?!?!

FFS OP why would you even consider bringing them into this shit storm.

Seriously, get away from him. He is NOT your responsibility. You cannot save him or rescue him or cure him.

I can't really believe you're really asking this because as a parent I'm shocked at your level of irresponsibility to them

And I'd bet my last ha'penny that it's not just cocaine with him

Thank you so much everyone for the detailed advice -Cassimin, your comment is exactly what plays on my mind. It's been 2-3 years since they split up but i just have this very strange and uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that there is unfinished business there. Even when we first got together he spoke about her alot, which i thought was slightly odd seems as they've been split up for so long. But me not wanting to be judgemental and just dumping him told him how i felt and gave him the chance not to do it again....When of course he did.

Walk away, you can't fix him, he can only help himself and he will drag you down.
Your prioritises are you and your kids, not a chaotic situation.
Women are conditioned to help... Help yourself by walking away.