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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drug using bf with complex ex issues

218 replies

Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 11:44

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I feel i need some unbiased and neutral advice about a situation i have found myself in, especially as its something i can't speak to my friends and family about.
I will try and keep it simple! Basically i have fallen in love with a man who i have found out has drink and drug issues. I knew he was quite a big drinker from the start but gradually over the months he admitted he takes cocaine. Now i've found out his ex (who is the mother of his kids) takes heroin and the social services are involved and it's becoming a very serious situation.
Obviously it's a horrific situation to be in and i feel for him massively and understand what stress it's been causing him. However i also feel , having only just found this out that perhaps it's a situation that is something i just dont want to be involved in. I'm sad its taken him so long to tell me.
Though conversely I also feel if you claim to love someone then you shouldn't just walk away from them, you should support them. However, and this is something ive felt from the start - i also feel his ex is the silent third partner in the relationship. And due to the issues and drama around what's going on with her, i feel this is going to be the way its going to be for the foreseeable future. I'm not sure his head is in the right space t o be entering into a new and serious relationship with me with all of this going on.
It feels like i am a welcome distraction from the stress of his 'normal' life for him and when he sees me he gets a break from it. I want to know he's with me for the right reasons. I still feel, regardless of what he says, that he has feelings for his ex and i worry this is just going to send me into a spiral of negativity when what i need to be doing right now is looking after myself, my children and focusing on building a good future for them.
I realise what i am typing probably comes across as selfish. It's not that i dont recognise the sadness of what's happening and obviously the bigger picture is the welfare of the children involved.
I really would welcome some advice, thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 15:53

I don't want validation for staying or not - i just wanted a sounding board to get something off my chest that i can't talk to anyone else about. I was hoping this would be a safe space to do so.
Attilathe meerkat
My mom is bipolar and had to be sectioned after she had me, so my Nan raised me for the first year of my life. I believe the bond i should have formed with my mom i formed with my nan, and ive always been emotionally distant from my mom, feeling i was more the adult than she was. When i got older she was poorly medicated and sectioned again so i took on the unconscious role of looking after my younger brothers. No sob story here, not wanting violins - everyone has crap they deal with, this is just abit of background. I think co dependency definitely features in my relationships, its a cycle im looking to break.

OP posts:
oiiiiiii · 04/01/2019 15:57

I also feel if you claim to love someone then you shouldn't just walk away from them, you should support them.

Confused how old are you? Apologies if I've missed that somewhere. Are you extremely young / sheltered upbringing?

And you have kids?

I mean this really seriously: please get a fucking hold of yourself. Like - yesterday.

You don't know this man. He is a stranger. He's a stranger with a drink and drug problem who has fed you every line. YOU ARE A PARENT. Get yourself and your children (WHAT the FUCK we're you thinking introducing him to them?) away from this drug abusing stranger. FFS.

You say you don't know anything about cocaine. Have you heard of "the internet"? Perhaps Google a bit? It's where you can go to find information about ILLEGAL class A drugs that your boyfriend admits to taking.

I honestly despair at threads like this. No wonder women end up in fucked relationships. You're sleepwalking into an absolute cluster fuck OP.

I have done alot of work with my shadow side to see why i have made the choices in life that i have LOL forever

flameycakes · 04/01/2019 15:59

@sarah860 if in being a cow I apologise, 4 days no nicotine. You know the right thing to be doing if you really think about it. My ex was a user of all sorts (naively I thought it was his personality for a long time), he lied, was violent, abusive and nearly destroyed me, it took me way too long to figure it out and fight back, ive never brought anyone else into my children's lives as they have been through to much already, be safe and put you and yours first. SENDING LOVE XXXXX

lunar1 · 04/01/2019 16:00

There isn't a single redeeming feature this man could have that would make him an appropriate person to have anywhere near your children or their home and safe space.

He is a drug and alcohol addict, there is no question there. His ability to love is limited by his addictions, the fact that his own children's safety is not enough to stop should be a massive indicator of this.

How would you feel if social services got involved in your life with your children all because you are with this man? You know if his own children go into care they will probably look at the situation with yours as well. Why would you even go within a million miles of this possibilityConfused

LovingLola · 04/01/2019 17:38

I am sure your poor children are shit sick of the losers you seem to insist on foisting on them. Have you ever even thought for one second of the damage you are doing to them ? Bet you haven’t - you seem too fixated on yourself and your drug addict drink addled loser partners.

ChristmasFluff · 04/01/2019 17:39

It's admirable that you are looking to break free from codependency. To do that, you have to understand where you end and others begin. What you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for.

He is an adult. An adult who let you begin a relationship on a lie of omission (he was a drug user). He is a liar. That is not your responsibility, nor is his situation with his ex.

Your responsibility is for your own welfare and the welfare of your children. It should thus be very clear what you need to do.

Wolfiefan · 04/01/2019 17:46

He’s not addicted?
Nope. He is a lying, drug addict with a drink problem.
Run.
He says he’s going to get clean but doesn’t really have the details of the programme. So he’s a liar who’s stringing you along.
Run.
You owe this man nothing.

BackInTheRoom · 04/01/2019 17:59

@PerverseConverse

'Attachment Theory', maybe it's that. Something like 50% of the population have 'Secure Attachment' and maybe the other 50% have the problem with CoDependency?

BackInTheRoom · 04/01/2019 18:01

@Sarah860

I'm not going to be rude to you like others have been on here, light and love my friend. Just ditch him, lesson learned and work on yourself. 💐

HermioneWeasley · 04/01/2019 18:04

I’ll add my voice to those saying to run in the opposite direction. It’s only been 6 months, you can’t really be in love, you barely know him (as evidenced by this huge info only just coming out). You owe him NOTHING, and you are responsible for yourself and your kids.

Run!

gendercritter · 04/01/2019 18:15

I think in these situations it's worth looking at the bare facts and putting aside your emotions so you can decide what you need to do

The only outcome if you stay with this man - literally the only one possible - is that you and your children will end up badly hurt. Yes you might have good moments together but they won't have any real meaning in the long term.

You can either keep seeing him and get more and more involved and have it be more and more of a mess or you can rip the plaster off and leave him. Yes it will hurt. Loneliness can cut very deep. But in a few weeks time the pain will be behind you and you will be looking forward to happier times. There will be other men I promise. You can do this. Be brave and put yourself first. There's so much more to life than a shitty drug addict boyfriend.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2019 18:15

You've been with him 6 months and he's already met your children. And he takes Class A drugs.

What are you thinking?

thethoughtfox · 04/01/2019 18:18

Put your children first and run far away. I can't believe a mentally healthy woman with children would do anything else.

thethoughtfox · 04/01/2019 18:20

Apologies: I just read your last post . You are not mentally strong which is not your fault. Please listen to the advice given.

Applebloom · 04/01/2019 18:21

This man seems to be in denial he even has a fantasy life with you were he can have you and spend time with your dc and pretend he's not addicted to drugs n alcohol.
While his real life 150 miles away he's a drug abuser parent who has little concern for his actual children living with their other drug abuser parent.
It's all the dc I feel for his own get the shit version and yours get the fake.
If this man was a decent man and father he'd have no time for any relationship as he'd be concentrating on getting clean and sober for his own dc.
And even if he doesn't believe he has any drug/drink issues shielding his children from heroin addicted other parent should be his main concern
Let him go

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 18:22

Christmas fluff thank you for the advice and words, along with everyone else who has took the time to offer sincere words and not just completely slate me.
I've looked into attachment theory before and recognise patterns that I do. I know I owe more to myself and my children and I'm trying hard to work on self esteem and boundary setting.
Backintheroom you don't know how much I needed to hear that thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 18:24

Applebloom this is what I've been so upset about. It's such a shock. He even said he doesn't want the kids to be taken off her cos she's a 'good mother'. I just don't understand the mentality...it's like he's in denial about her habit as well.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 04/01/2019 18:25

Hi @sarah 860

Can I ask you why you can't talk to people in real life??

I'm going to speculate it's because you know what your doing isn't right and don't want to be arm twisted into ending it.

I can't quite get my head around why you would even entertain this person in the first place, surely you know this isn't a suitable person to have a relationship with, especially when you have children??

End the relationship go to counselling and you can analyse your codependency to death in a safe environment but don't compromise your security and the long term welfare of your children by staying with this man.

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 18:26

I didn't know he took drugs at the start!!! @ thethought Fox
Yes I do believe my emotional health could be more robust...but I'm actually quite shocked at the level of venom I seem to be getting on here. How do you think it helps anyone by insulting them?

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 04/01/2019 18:28

Hes minimising her drug addiction because he also has a drug addiction. If he says she has a problem it means he has to admit and accept he has a problem too!!

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 18:30

Gendercritter
Thank you for the plain and sensible advice. Putting aside emotions is something I'm not necessarily good at but you're right that bare facts have to be looked at in this case.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 04/01/2019 18:34

Do you know how much cocaine costs??Hes putting that money up his nose when he should be using it to support his kids.

How can that possibly make someone a good father or role model.

I think you're very vulnerable and need to seek counselling. You're a sitting duck to these types of men.

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 18:35

I found out the other day the extent of what he spends. And yes I was shocked.

OP posts:
GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 04/01/2019 18:36

what do you intend to do op?

PerverseConverse · 04/01/2019 18:38

So what are you going to do OP? End the relationship, or carry on seeing him and expose you and your kids to a life of misery? It's a no brainier to all of us here but you seem to be struggling to make a decision based on what's best for you and your kids.