Drug using bf with complex ex issues

[Sarah860]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I feel i need some unbiased and neutral advice about a situation i have found myself in, especially as its something i can't speak to my friends and family about.
I will try and keep it simple! Basically i have fallen in love with a man who i have found out has drink and drug issues. I knew he was quite a big drinker from the start but gradually over the months he admitted he takes cocaine. Now i've found out his ex (who is the mother of his kids) takes heroin and the social services are involved and it's becoming a very serious situation.
Obviously it's a horrific situation to be in and i feel for him massively and understand what stress it's been causing him. However i also feel , having only just found this out that perhaps it's a situation that is something i just dont want to be involved in. I'm sad its taken him so long to tell me.
Though conversely I also feel if you claim to love someone then you shouldn't just walk away from them, you should support them. However, and this is something ive felt from the start - i also feel his ex is the silent third partner in the relationship. And due to the issues and drama around what's going on with her, i feel this is going to be the way its going to be for the foreseeable future. I'm not sure his head is in the right space t o be entering into a new and serious relationship with me with all of this going on.
It feels like i am a welcome distraction from the stress of his 'normal' life for him and when he sees me he gets a break from it. I want to know he's with me for the right reasons. I still feel, regardless of what he says, that he has feelings for his ex and i worry this is just going to send me into a spiral of negativity when what i need to be doing right now is looking after myself, my children and focusing on building a good future for them.
I realise what i am typing probably comes across as selfish. It's not that i dont recognise the sadness of what's happening and obviously the bigger picture is the welfare of the children involved.
I really would welcome some advice, thanks x

The fact is this man is not a good enough parent to his own kids
Which makes him not good enough to be around anyone else's kids until he is drug free and responsible for ensuring his own children are living free from a drug addicted parent.

Lookatyourwatchnow
No I didn't. And no that is absolutely not what I want.

Hi OP. I'm a recovering alcoholic and benzodiazepine addict. You say you don't understand much about addiction. I suggest reading up on relationships with addicts. We are adept at manipulation and are incredibly proficient liars. In my drinking days I would drift from relationship to relationship. They would end when either the person realised how f*ed up I really was (because you can't keep it hidden for that long). There would be some sort of godawful incident caused by me, or I would end the relationship because I felt it was restricting my drinking. I was a train wreck. I would strongly suspect that your BF is lying to you about the extent of his substance abuse. Alcohol and cocaine are a particularly nasty combination in so many ways. I would suspect he might be doing other things as well when he is away from you, given that his ex is an addict. My point is though that we will lie and can keep it together enough in the early stages of a relationship to blind someone to what is really going on. The distance relationship you describe with your BF sounds ideal to "addict me"! I could so easily pull it together enough to portray myself any way I wanted for a couple of days at a time. You don't get to meet any of my friends. Then I get to leave and get on with my drinking and substance abuse... unwatched. Nice one! Seriously, that is what my substance-driven manipulative side would have latched onto in a relationship with you.

Reading your post and updates, every time you say, "I'm worried that X, Y, Z" you are right about those things: he probably does still have feelings for his ex; you don't have all the information about his situation; there will no doubt be further bombshells down the road, he isn't serious about any sort of rehab, etc... All those fears - you are right.

I sincerely hope you think things through and choose to get out before you or your children get further involved.

You say you think there will be more bombshells to come. It just occurred to me - I hope that it is not that he is a heroin addict too. I wonder why he is not primary career for the children. I would have thought that would be the first option social services would be looking at if the mother is unfit.

Passing for human.
Thank you that is probably the most informative post I've read and now I can actually see this from his perspective. It's ideal for him.
I've already made my decision anyway but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Godknowsiwanttobreakfree
That's one of the main things that's troubling me.

I didn’t meet DH until I had spent quite a long period of time just focussing on me. My career and moving to a new place. And meeting lots of new people. And learning to be proud of myself for lots of things. Learning resilience and that I didn’t need anyone. Not really. I can survive and indeed be perfectly happy on my own.
Hope you feel that too one day.

Never met a heroin addict whise partner didn't use heroin too. And unfortunately when I was in my 20s I met a lot!!

He thinks a woman who uses drugs that zone you out so completely that the house could burn down around you without you noticing is 'a good mother'? And instead of getting clean from his so called non-addictions to get custody, he runs off 150 miles away from his kids to play happy families with someone else's kids for the weekends.

Drugs and booze are more important to him than the safety of his own children!

Please just stop this relationship now.

You can't help, fix or support him get clean. So far you only have his word that he's looked at a programme, that he spends lots of time with his kids, that he isn't using when he's with you. You admit you know nothing about about drugs, so how would you know if he was on them or not? He could be on coke 24/7. It's a much easier drug to hide than most, especially if you don't know someone off them. Easy to see if someone takes a load in one go, but not if they're just topping themselves up with small amounts.

Thingsdogetbetter
Everything you have said makes 100% sense.
I can't believe I've put myself in this situation again...with someone who is unsuitable and now I'm hurt and ive added extra hurt to his situation. .if indeed he 'loves' me as he claims to.

What is the point of all this ruminating on the whys and wherefores of what he's up to and why you feel the way you do and why you get into the relationships you do? Just end it now, before the inevitable train-wreck.

So I can try and understand my motives and not put myself in same situations. So I can learn from the experience. So maybe next time I can make better judgements and minimize hurt and pain to myself and perhaps to the people I get involved with also.

Social services will get involved with your kids too if you stay with this individual. And rightly so.

OP you could be describing my relationship that I ended a week ago when I realised nothing would change and I didn't want to be in the drama anymore. Today I have spent an hour at the police station getting advice about harassment as my ex won't accept we are over. Even though I'm being harassed you wouldn't believe the relief I feel at being able to walk away. You don't know how much a situation is affecting you until you take a step back from it

You deserve more. Run

Are you absolutely sure that the ex is the ex? He’s 150 miles away. How do you know he’s not still with her?

Unfortunately you will never be number 1 in his eyes until he is drink and drug free, even his children won't come to the top of his list before the above. People who suffer addiction are very good at manipulating people, sometimes without actually knowing they're doing so. The fact he speaks about getting help is obviously positive, however has he actually moved forward with this? Becoming a recovering addict is very hard and he shouldn't be in a relationship whilst he does this, you're told if you can keep a plant alive, move onto a pet, if you can train and look after a pet successfully then you're ready to get in the dating scene again. This can take years.
I can understand why you feel so torn as he is saying all the right things & it's probably true, he probably does feel that way towards you but the addict world, which his ex is including in is a completely different world to which quite frankly you don't even want to tip your toe into, especially as you you have children who are relying on you to keep them safe and well.
My personal opinion is to walk away, this is 'his' shit and it doesn't need to be yours, unfortunately you cannot do anything to save him or his children from the ex, it'll be very hard for you to walk away as you sound caring and as if you want to help but you just can't.

I grew up with a Dad as a heroin addict, I know the pain it causes. Don't involve yourself in something you don't need to be. Look after yourself and move on.

Doobee
I don't in all honesty I trust what he tells me is the truth.

🤦‍♀️

Blind faith with a touch of naivety and a side order of denial perhaps. Who knows. All I know now is I feel defeated, sad and sorry. For everything and everyone involved especially children.

Self pity is part of the disease of codependency.

Stop feeling sorry. He has choices, you have choices. Make better choices, and don't patronize this man by feeling sorry for him. All the sorrow in the world will not protect you from making the same mistake you made in the last six months - in fact, if you succumb to self pity now, you're making it more likely you'll make the same fuck up in future.

Take positive action today to protect yourself and your children, and to set yourself up to make better choices starting to today. Develop your pride and self preservation. Feel grateful you've saved everyone pain by getting the fuck away from this man immediately and in every way you can (blocking, changing numbers, burning keepsakes, whatever it takes).

Your sorrow isn't important or useful. Your feelings are entirely temporary. But the experiences you've saved your children from will actually help them and have an impact. Focus on that

I needed to hear that thank you.

Genuinely thank you.

I have three drug addicts in my family. This is what I’ve learned which might be useful to you.

One - whatever you think you know about his drug usage, you don’t know the half of it. You can’t guarantee he’s not taking anything around you and your kids.

Two - even if his drug and alcohol use is not happening around your family right now, it’s highly unlikely to stay that way.

Three - addicts are emotional manipulators, liars and have a ‘poor me’ attitude. They make you feel sorry for them (and feel sorry for themselves) and often feel entitled to sympathy, understanding and help.

Four - you can’t help an addict. God knows I have tried and tried. This is where the emotional manipulation comes in, so you feel too bad for them to walk out of their life. You will be made the bad guy, the person who is letting them down, tipping them over the edge and exacerbating their drug use.

Five - drug addicts have little to give but can take a lot. He might seem nice and fun and a great guy. But he’s putting drug taking and spending time with you over taking care of his own kids. My sibling is one of the addicts in my family and has two kids. He adores them but is incapable of properly being there for them and has let them down countless times.

Six - generally, people with drug/alcohol issues get help when they hit rock bottom. If you stay with him, you’ll be around when that happens. It’s hell.

I can say from experience that what you are going through is the tip of the iceberg. Things can only get worse from here. There are very clear warning signals. I know that feeling of ‘if they can just get off the drugs/drink, life will be great’ or ‘if I can just help him, he could become a great husband/step-dad’ etc.

I read your posts and my heart sinks. Nothing good can come of this and I would hate anyone to go through the absolute shit that my family and I have gone through with my addict sibling - and continue to go through to some extent.

Four resonating very strongly right now. Thank you for taking the time to post that and share your situation with me.

Incredibly honest and insightful post from Passing4Human, you are an inspiration both in staying clean, and your ability to be so honest about your addiction in order to try and help or warn others. You are 100% right to listen to the advice given there OP it is spot on.

I too used to think people you love are worth fighting for sometimes but have learned to my peril that this does not apply to those with active addictions (or perhaps even former ones). Because they will always love their addiction more than anything, including you, even themselves. I say that as someone who has also struggled with addiction (well, still does), and been in relationships with others who do.

He will not just have a cocaine habit, he really won't. If his ex has a heroin addiction, then I would bet big money that so has he, or that he has had in the past, or used at the very least.. It's not as hard to hide as you would imagine. Many addicts will not inject or have any physical signs of use (unless you look at their pupils - heroin/ opiate use will make them tiny, cocaine the opposite) And for people with this type of lifestyle, heroin is often used alongside cocaine (especially if it is smoked). The cocaine gets you up, the heroin takes you nicely back down again so you can then relax/ sleep. And when neither either are an option, perhaps you have to go to work, or don't have any money there's weed/ benzos or whatever else is availablke to get you through.

There was an old saying regarding alcoholics and heroin addicts, that an alcoholic would nick your purse for drink, but a heroin addict would nick your purse then help you look for it. My ex found this very funny because of how true the general sentiment is. And it IS true, addiction makes people devious yes, but stuff like heroin/ crack cocaine use or addiction - it takes deviousness to a whole new level. In my experience, you will NOT suss them out on a lie, ever. They are absolute masters at it. And as mentioned in PP's - incredibly good at saying all the right things, and how to spot and draw in unsuspecting, caring people such as yourself. What you will have though, is a gut instinct that something is not all it seems. And thankfully, it sounds like you have had, AND that you are heeding it too. Keep going and don't look back. I'd also strongly advise you to go completely no contact with him after ending things, as people like him are also masters at reeling people back in if they try to walk away, and at getting people to doubt themselves.

Yes, it will hurt for a bit as obviously you have formed an attachment to him, but if you do actually love him I reckon that is based on an illusion rather than facts - you will be in love with the 'him' he has created and presented you with, no the 'real' him. If you do hang around though, it won't be till long till he does show you his real self, but he'll make very sure you only see this once you are in deep enough to not be able to walk away.

Please heed the good advice you've been given on here, you and your DC deserve so much better. And if you have doubts after ending it, come back on here for some clarity and support/ kick up the arse .