Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drug using bf with complex ex issues

218 replies

Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 11:44

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I feel i need some unbiased and neutral advice about a situation i have found myself in, especially as its something i can't speak to my friends and family about.
I will try and keep it simple! Basically i have fallen in love with a man who i have found out has drink and drug issues. I knew he was quite a big drinker from the start but gradually over the months he admitted he takes cocaine. Now i've found out his ex (who is the mother of his kids) takes heroin and the social services are involved and it's becoming a very serious situation.
Obviously it's a horrific situation to be in and i feel for him massively and understand what stress it's been causing him. However i also feel , having only just found this out that perhaps it's a situation that is something i just dont want to be involved in. I'm sad its taken him so long to tell me.
Though conversely I also feel if you claim to love someone then you shouldn't just walk away from them, you should support them. However, and this is something ive felt from the start - i also feel his ex is the silent third partner in the relationship. And due to the issues and drama around what's going on with her, i feel this is going to be the way its going to be for the foreseeable future. I'm not sure his head is in the right space t o be entering into a new and serious relationship with me with all of this going on.
It feels like i am a welcome distraction from the stress of his 'normal' life for him and when he sees me he gets a break from it. I want to know he's with me for the right reasons. I still feel, regardless of what he says, that he has feelings for his ex and i worry this is just going to send me into a spiral of negativity when what i need to be doing right now is looking after myself, my children and focusing on building a good future for them.
I realise what i am typing probably comes across as selfish. It's not that i dont recognise the sadness of what's happening and obviously the bigger picture is the welfare of the children involved.
I really would welcome some advice, thanks x

OP posts:
Calmingvibrations · 04/01/2019 18:38

He’s minimising his Ex’s drug problem so he doesn’t have to step up and look after his own children. That in itself would have me running for the hills. Poor little kids.

If you want a relationship with someone you can trust, it isn’t him. Can you imagine seeing him more often/ living with him and having to police what’s in your home. Checking for drugs, shielding your kids from his moods etc.

Where exactly do you think this relationship is going?

If you are happy forever more just meeting up with him occasionally (and not letting your kid see him) then knock yourself out. Sounds like too much hassle to me.

Surely you want a relationship that progresses, love respect, moving in together, maybe marriage / another kid?

You will never have that with him.

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/01/2019 18:40

Nicely put @applebloom Halo

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 18:40

Closetmeanmuncher I've had counselling (several times) before and that (obviously) didn't appear to help much.
I'm well read...I know about psychology and ive looked at numerous theories of why I do what I do....and choose the partners that I choose. I know I have psychological wounds. I've tried many, many different tactics and approaches..too many to list here. I don't know how to heal.

OP posts:
Calmingvibrations · 04/01/2019 18:40

Ps you do have my sympathy - I know what it’s like to get into bad relationships and be the one that does all the giving. But in order for it to change, you have to actually do something different. Even if it feels alien to you. You need to walk away. The sooner you give short shrift to losers, the sooner you’ll find someone better for you x

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 18:46

I know what I have to do in this situation though. I think I've been in denial about things up to this point and now it's come to a head and the severity has been revealed its not so easy to wave away this one of male excuses or ignore that feeling of intuition that tells me I still think there is more going on here....or that there will be another bombshell dropped a few months more down the line.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 18:46

...this one * or make*

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/01/2019 19:01

I hope you DO stop this runaway train, OP. You may have thought posters were insulting you - but the sheer volume of incredulity here that you thought this relationship could be viable has surely been the final wake up call.

6 months is nothing - he's a virtual stranger who could destroy yours and your DC's lives. And no, I'm not being over dramatic. I have worked with addicts - and substance abusers in denial of addiction - and the trail of chaos they leave in their wake affects their families financially and mentally.

Yes your DC could come to the attention of SS if you continue your association with this man.

Applebloom · 04/01/2019 19:02

Op it is ok to 'un'choose to realise this man isn't exactly what you want.
Anyone can pick an unsuitable partner as long as we recognise those red flags and reverse out of the relationships
The fact that this man omitted his red flags are a big reason to exit this car crash immediately.
If he'd said on first date ' hi I'm a drug using alcoholic parent with a drug addicted ex who I've left my kids with lovely to meet you!' What would have been your reaction??
Wow lovely to meet you or no thank you next

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/01/2019 19:08

Where did you meet this guy, and have you ever had what would be considered to be a "normal" partner who didn't have some sort of dependence on you?

You probably discussed the codependency in your sessions but what about the underlying causes that drive those urges in the first place low self esteem etc...There is a problem establishing personal boundaries, and self worth IMO.

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 19:15

I'm trying to think....I thought my ex husband was someone who I could count on for mutual support when we first met but found out he had a weed habit, porn addiction, was a compulsive liar and was in debt tens of thousands of pounds with his business that I had to sort out and file for bankruptcy for. We were together 12 years.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 04/01/2019 19:16

You need to think? Seriously??

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 19:17

Probably the last man who didn't rely on me was my relationship before my ex hubby. That lasted 18 months. My insecurities probably was the thing that destroyed it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 19:18

I said I know what I need to do in this situation @perverse converse

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 19:20

I said I think I've been in denial
And that I think there maybe more stuff that will reveal itself down the line if I were to carry this on
Not that I need to think

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 04/01/2019 19:21

Just a thought? How much of your adult life has been spent in relationships? You mention an exH. That’s something that takes time to heal from. Have you ever focussed on just being you and your child? Happy and secure as you are? Maybe some “you” time. Build a life that isn’t built round a man.
Apologies if I’m way off mark. Flowers

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 19:24

Wolfiefan
It's a valid point..I've essentially had two periods of being single since I was 15. I'm 35. Both periods lasted about 10 months or so. And also both those periods ....after the initial heartache were times where I felt pretty darn good about myself. So good in fact that I fling myself into looking for new romance and into the arms of unsuitable partners.

OP posts:
GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 04/01/2019 19:26

How did you meet this guy?

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 19:30

Well known dating website.
Yes I know....I can hear the collective groans even as I type that. Trust me I won't be using them again.

OP posts:
ThatsNotNiceRoger · 04/01/2019 19:32

He even said he doesn't want the kids to be taken off her cos she's a 'good mother'.

Of course he’s going to say that. He doesn’t want to take responsibility for them full time does he.

FogCutter · 04/01/2019 19:33

I think you would benefit from a long period of being single and focussing on yourself and your child.

PerverseConverse · 04/01/2019 19:41

Definitely need to be single and focus on your kids.
You've still not answered as to whether or not you're going to end the relationship which makes me think you're going to let him persuade you not to end it because he "needs" you to help him.

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 04/01/2019 19:45

I don’t get how he has the time to conduct a relationship with someone 150 miles away with all his troubles at home.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/01/2019 19:55

@GodknowsIwanttobreakfree OP is his ticket out of the grim reality of the mess he leaves behind him.

Iflyaway · 04/01/2019 19:55

Walk away and don't look back.

You owe it to yourself and your children. Especially! your children. They do not get a choice in this.

Get some counselling to find out what attracts you to this type of lifestyle.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 04/01/2019 20:07

OP, you do know that because you are in a relationship with a man who has social services involvement with his own children and because he visits your house and is around your child - you will be referred to social services yourself...that is, of course, if you continue the relationship.