Drug using bf with complex ex issues

[Sarah860]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I feel i need some unbiased and neutral advice about a situation i have found myself in, especially as its something i can't speak to my friends and family about.
I will try and keep it simple! Basically i have fallen in love with a man who i have found out has drink and drug issues. I knew he was quite a big drinker from the start but gradually over the months he admitted he takes cocaine. Now i've found out his ex (who is the mother of his kids) takes heroin and the social services are involved and it's becoming a very serious situation.
Obviously it's a horrific situation to be in and i feel for him massively and understand what stress it's been causing him. However i also feel , having only just found this out that perhaps it's a situation that is something i just dont want to be involved in. I'm sad its taken him so long to tell me.
Though conversely I also feel if you claim to love someone then you shouldn't just walk away from them, you should support them. However, and this is something ive felt from the start - i also feel his ex is the silent third partner in the relationship. And due to the issues and drama around what's going on with her, i feel this is going to be the way its going to be for the foreseeable future. I'm not sure his head is in the right space t o be entering into a new and serious relationship with me with all of this going on.
It feels like i am a welcome distraction from the stress of his 'normal' life for him and when he sees me he gets a break from it. I want to know he's with me for the right reasons. I still feel, regardless of what he says, that he has feelings for his ex and i worry this is just going to send me into a spiral of negativity when what i need to be doing right now is looking after myself, my children and focusing on building a good future for them.
I realise what i am typing probably comes across as selfish. It's not that i dont recognise the sadness of what's happening and obviously the bigger picture is the welfare of the children involved.
I really would welcome some advice, thanks x

Yeaaahhhhh, that's a bit much, Sarah. Sorry.

I mean unless 2 of them are their Dads or something.

If it's 3 random blokes they're never or rarely gonna see again, yeah it's a bit previous.

I suggest you have a rule in your head about time to introduce and stick to it no matter how nice and charming they are, no matter how they just happen to be in the area, no matter how awkward it is to meet them when the kids aren't there etc. And make it longer than you previously thought.

That's a lot! Mine has met one in 6 years

When I write it down I can see that it's perhaps too much.

Hi op

Do your family approve of him? Do they notice the issues he has?

I honestly think that whatever you chose to do about this man, he and any future relationships should be kept away from your children and their home for a good few years.

It doesn't even matter if the next one is perfect, they need a good few years of stability in their home.

Come on, relationships are hard enough in the normal run of life with all the normal challenges thrown into the mix. Add in what this bloke is bringing to the table and you're walking into a nightmare.

I didn't knowingly introduce my child to a drug addict.

You didn't knowingly introduce your child to anyone because when you've been dating someone under six months YOU DON'T KNOW THE MAN. There's no point pleading ignorance when you are rushing into these relationships.

You make it sound like I'm bringing a constant stream of alkies and druggies into my home like its some kind of episode of shameless or something. I work, I study, I live in a nice house in a nice area. My child is looked after, provided for and loved.I work, I study, I live in a nice house in a nice area. My child is looked after, provided for and loved.

How many sex mad addicts whose children are being investigated by SS staying in your home around your child after a short six month relationship is too many? How many before it turns into shameless?

You were brought up in a very chaotic environment you said. It seems like your bar for dysfunction is just way too high because your child's life sounds extremely chaotic to me. Abusive ex husband/father. Three new boyfriends in 4 years plus the addict.

Please just keep these men away from your child.

I am begging you. Even if the next one is "perfect". Just keep him away.

Ilovefood
They don't know any of it.

My DC met 1 partner in 3 years.

It took 18 months before I introduced them. He stayed overnight when they were in the house for the first time 12 months after meeting them (2.5 years into our relationship).

Having four different strangers in your house in 3 years is a lot.
Especially for children of opposite gender to said stranger.
Especially for girls, who are horrifically vulnerable when it comes to their mum's partner. The statistics are really scary.

I think things might be a little more chaotic in your house than you perceive. Can you not just keep men away from your kids for much much longer. Is it necessary to introduce them?

Codependency is a high risk trait in a mum/parent because it can cause you to put your kids in significant danger while making very elaborate excuses for why it is ok (because the instinct to rescue/ get appreciation from the addict is as strong as any heroin addiction unfortunately)

I'm taking on board everything that people are saying here. My child has never been in any danger but I can see I have been irresponsible and naive in introducing people after such a short time. Getting charmed and carried away. I can see it has been selfish.

Love addiction is an issue.

Yes I suspect Charm is your Achilles heel.

You wouldn't be the first, that's for sure.

Try to start being addicted to loving yourself, don't accept things for the sake of not being alone, you and yours are worth so much more x

The more I look back at things now.. things he's done, things he's said alot of it all makes so much more sense.

Are you able to elaborate on that Sarah860 ?

I think you are right to look into codependency and love addiction, they are definitely issues at play here.

Attacking the OP for bad choices btw is very counterproductive IMHO. She needs to feel better about herself as a person and the choices she has made if she is to break away from this, not worse. Men like this can be incredibly devious and good at sucking unsuspecting, decent people in, especially ones who are vulnerable.

You might want to do some research on a man before bringing him home.

Especially as it is extremely common but perhaps not widely known just how common it is for men to watch online child porn. If you had any idea whatsoever you would not bring home a strange man to your home where you have young boys or girls.

In fact you would even wonder whether it really was you they were interested in or whether it was a ruse under which they get to play "happy families" to build up trust with a child.

You are always going to take this risk whenever you bring a strange man home.

Sarah, I would really recommend that you do some reading around codependency to help you understand it all a little more clearly. Codependency For Dummies is a pretty good place to start, also a book called Codependent No More by Melanie Beatty.

There is also a 12 step organisation for codependents. Whether that is something that is available in your area or you would be interested in I don't know, but there is information on the website that might be worth reading in any case.

www.coda-uk.org/index.php

I wish you all the best Sarah. Remember that, whatever mistakes you may have made (and we all make mistakes) you can't change what has already happened but you can make a positive difference to the future, you really can.

Hi OP.

I'm not going to give you a bashing.
You have been given lots of advice on this thread and I hope you take it.

It seems like this thread has been an eye opener for you and I hope you take action soon needed to make your own life good away from him.

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this yet (if they have then apologies) but you kept mentioning you didn't know why you were falling this pattern of man in relationships.

Have you heard of the freedom programme? I think this would be perfect for you. You can either do this online or in a group near you if one is available.

Please google it.

Good luck.

Especially as it is extremely common but perhaps not widely known just how common it is for men to watch online child porn.

How common? Got any references?