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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drug using bf with complex ex issues

218 replies

Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 11:44

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I feel i need some unbiased and neutral advice about a situation i have found myself in, especially as its something i can't speak to my friends and family about.
I will try and keep it simple! Basically i have fallen in love with a man who i have found out has drink and drug issues. I knew he was quite a big drinker from the start but gradually over the months he admitted he takes cocaine. Now i've found out his ex (who is the mother of his kids) takes heroin and the social services are involved and it's becoming a very serious situation.
Obviously it's a horrific situation to be in and i feel for him massively and understand what stress it's been causing him. However i also feel , having only just found this out that perhaps it's a situation that is something i just dont want to be involved in. I'm sad its taken him so long to tell me.
Though conversely I also feel if you claim to love someone then you shouldn't just walk away from them, you should support them. However, and this is something ive felt from the start - i also feel his ex is the silent third partner in the relationship. And due to the issues and drama around what's going on with her, i feel this is going to be the way its going to be for the foreseeable future. I'm not sure his head is in the right space t o be entering into a new and serious relationship with me with all of this going on.
It feels like i am a welcome distraction from the stress of his 'normal' life for him and when he sees me he gets a break from it. I want to know he's with me for the right reasons. I still feel, regardless of what he says, that he has feelings for his ex and i worry this is just going to send me into a spiral of negativity when what i need to be doing right now is looking after myself, my children and focusing on building a good future for them.
I realise what i am typing probably comes across as selfish. It's not that i dont recognise the sadness of what's happening and obviously the bigger picture is the welfare of the children involved.
I really would welcome some advice, thanks x

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 04/01/2019 14:25

Not a chance I would be getting involved with this shit show. Leave, cut contact and don't look back. Awful for the kids involved but nothing you can do about that.

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 14:25

Purpletrilby - also when you say cokeheads get weird about sex - what do you mean by that? I'm just curious as he has a VERY high sex drive, more so than anyone else ive ever been with, so im wondering now if the coke has anything to do with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 14:37

Mitzimaybe,
I hadn't thought about it from that point of view - if he could give it up and it was that easy - as he 'isn't addicted' as he claims then why hasn't he - especially with what's at stake.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 04/01/2019 14:43

IME coke makes people very horny but often takes away the ability to perform.

He says he's going to enroll on a programme to get off alcohol/drugs.

Did he say what programme this was? Where is it based? Is it free or paid? When does it start? Does he need to take time off work for it?

If he can't answer these questions then he's not going to take any action. He's just telling you what you want to hear.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/01/2019 14:43

You are an emotional supportive crutch for this alcohol dependant junkie. Even His kids don’t take priority in his selfish world. Get the hell out of there.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/01/2019 14:46

What qualities does he bring to YOU and YOUR children OP ?

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 14:52

He doesn't do the drugs when he is up here with me (as he lives 150 miles away). Around my youngest, who is 12 - he is kind and engaged with him. We go out and do things/go places - meals, weekends away and day trips. We laugh, enjoy each other's company and he supports me with the study that i am going to be embarking on. When he is at home, in his home town - that is when the trouble begins for him - and the stress begins for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 14:53

Bumblebee - i do worry that i am an emotional crutch and a distraction.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 04/01/2019 14:55

So many red flags here. He drinks, takes drugs, lies, & is still attached to his drug addict wife. You've only known him 6 months, he is not yours to fix. You have children, for God's sake why are you even contemplating getting them involved in this car crash? Social services are (rightly) involved in his children's lives, I can't for the life of me see why you'd want to involve your children in all this too. You say you think you're being selfish for leaving him.....you're not, but you'd be selfish and a fool for staying with him.

The best thing you can do for him (& everyone else including yourself) is to leave him, it might give him the kick to try and sort himself out. Put your children first.

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 14:55

NotTheFordType
Admittedly it's not a programme that he has many details on and that he seems to be putting off seriously looking into.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 04/01/2019 14:58

Loo, 6 months is too early for him to have an established relationship with your kids. That means you introduced them a while ago.

This is why you don't do that. You start dating a complete stranger, virtually. And if they turn out to be a bad choice and it doesn't work out, your kids lose a person they've become used to.

It's not fair to them.

ElspethFlashman · 04/01/2019 15:01

And the fact that you have zero problems with a habitual drug user/long term coke head hanging around your kids as long as he isn't visibly off his tits, is really eyebrow raising.

MitziK · 04/01/2019 15:04

150 miles away? He's still with the 'ex'.

Have an HIV test and block him.

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 15:09

i didn't say i have zero problems - just because he doesn't do them around me, doesn't mean i don't have an issue - and his relationship with my youngest isn't 'established'. He has never done anything or acted in a manner when he's been at mine where ive thought this is a danger to my child. But yes i can see that i did introduce him too early now that i look back in hindsight.

OP posts:
ThatsNotNiceRoger · 04/01/2019 15:16

He may love his kids, but not enough.

NotTheFordType · 04/01/2019 15:17

If he's 150 miles away then breaking up should not be too challenging.

You could always tell him "Come look me up when you've got 12 months sobriety under your belt" if you feel a relationship with sober him might have legs.

However the fact he hasn't acted to remove his DC from his ex's care would really put me off.

You mentioned that you seem attracted to men who need fixing/rescuing. I'd really recommend looking into this with a counsellor, or possibly CoDA or the book CoDependent No More . Your purpose in this life isn't to fix other people. People need to fix themselves. Your purpose is to live your best life FOR YOU and for your DC.

PerverseConverse · 04/01/2019 15:24

Mumsnet at the moment seems to full of women who are in dodgy relationships with even dodgier men seeking advice and then making excuses and not taking any of the advice given. So many women who are accepting men into their lives and the lives of their dc without a thought to how damaging these men are/will be. Society as a whole, needs to address why women are getting into these situations and putting themselves and their dc into Jeremy Kyle situations. And some women need to take a good hard look at themselves and figure out wtf they are playing at when they are all to aware of who they are with. So many seem to be so desperate for a man that they will put up with anything. It's very sad.

There's a good thread on the relationships board entitled something like "listen up everybody" that gives excellent advice on relationship in general. Please read it.

flameycakes · 04/01/2019 15:30

Ffs stop putting your wants before your children, some people's selfishness is totally mind blowing!!!

forumdonkey · 04/01/2019 15:31

He's 150 miles away!! He works full time and travels 150 miles to see you and you say he does alsorts with his kids. Where does he find the time? In 6 months, how much time have you actually spent with him?

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 15:40

Perverse converse
Thank you for that very enlightening and useful insight into my and lots of other women's psychology. You assume that i'm asking for advice - but not taking it? How do you know i am not taking any advice that's being posted on here? I am considering everything that everyone has said and am genuinely grateful for the majority of posts that have been thoughtful and/or straight to the point. It's easy to delude yourself and explain away things that are redflags because you see what you want to see, i am aware i have done this. I am aware of negative and destructive psychological patterns from childhood that have led me to make some of the choices that i have. I have done alot of work with my shadow side to see why i have made the choices in life that i have, clearly there is still work to do. I think however it is easy for someone on the other end of a screen to make such sweeping judgements. It is neither productive or helpful.
However it is an observation you have made, and your opinion, which you are entitled to.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2019 15:45

I don't feel it's my 'duty' to fix him - but i do recognise i seem to get myself into relationships with men who say to me, "You make me want to be a better man".
The last three have said that, which makes me think about the kind of men i am attracting - or am attracted to.

Sarah

And how did those previous relationships work out?. They did not.

You are codependent in relationships and that is what attracts you to such men to try and fix, rescue and or save from their own selves. This is as much about you as it is about them, you are a dream for such chancers and lowlifes to use and abuse. One of your parents (probably your mother) also taught you such a damaging mindset and this is primarily why you have ended up in this dysfunctional mess you are now in.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Take a good hard look at your relationship history to date and make proper changes to this going forward through counselling so you are no longer codependent in relationships.

There is really no relationship to speak of here and is this really the sort of person you want to have your children, your most precious of resources after all, to be with?. Are you so desperate for male company that you will put up with this from him?. What sort of role model are you yourself to your children in terms of what you want to teach them about relationships?.

flameycakes · 04/01/2019 15:46

@sarah860 after knowing all you know etc etc blah blah, it just seems you want validation for something that you want, your children seem to be an afterthought because you are in love!!

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 04/01/2019 15:46

So where are his children and who is caring for them when he is with you and your children 150 miles away? Presumably they are with the heroin addict mother. I don’t think he is in a position to be enjoying family life with you at the moment when he has an emergency situation at home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2019 15:48

Do look at CODAs website and read "Codependent no more" by Melodie Beattie. You are going to have to do a lot more work on your own self here if you really do want a better future for not just you but your children who have seen and heard far more than enough already.

RosieRoo4 · 04/01/2019 15:52

Please, please do not stay with this man, he will ruin your life. He may seem kind and wonderful but he has a world of issues that a normal person such as yourself could never understand. In my own personal experience a man with alcohol and drug problems comes with a host of others, porn addiction, cheating, emotional/physical abuse (not yet, he’s saving that for when you live together) I promise you that this will not end well, it will cost you a lot of heartache and if your a bit soft like me your money too. Please dont involve yourself any further. My exP also had a raging sex drive, it’s the coke. I’m not projecting my own experience onto you, men like these are a breed of their own and seem to have the same issues which will eventually drag you down and destroy your self esteem. He’s not worth it.
I wish somebody had given me this advice years ago but then again I may not have listened. Please listen to the other posters on here.