Drug using bf with complex ex issues

[Sarah860]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I feel i need some unbiased and neutral advice about a situation i have found myself in, especially as its something i can't speak to my friends and family about.
I will try and keep it simple! Basically i have fallen in love with a man who i have found out has drink and drug issues. I knew he was quite a big drinker from the start but gradually over the months he admitted he takes cocaine. Now i've found out his ex (who is the mother of his kids) takes heroin and the social services are involved and it's becoming a very serious situation.
Obviously it's a horrific situation to be in and i feel for him massively and understand what stress it's been causing him. However i also feel , having only just found this out that perhaps it's a situation that is something i just dont want to be involved in. I'm sad its taken him so long to tell me.
Though conversely I also feel if you claim to love someone then you shouldn't just walk away from them, you should support them. However, and this is something ive felt from the start - i also feel his ex is the silent third partner in the relationship. And due to the issues and drama around what's going on with her, i feel this is going to be the way its going to be for the foreseeable future. I'm not sure his head is in the right space t o be entering into a new and serious relationship with me with all of this going on.
It feels like i am a welcome distraction from the stress of his 'normal' life for him and when he sees me he gets a break from it. I want to know he's with me for the right reasons. I still feel, regardless of what he says, that he has feelings for his ex and i worry this is just going to send me into a spiral of negativity when what i need to be doing right now is looking after myself, my children and focusing on building a good future for them.
I realise what i am typing probably comes across as selfish. It's not that i dont recognise the sadness of what's happening and obviously the bigger picture is the welfare of the children involved.
I really would welcome some advice, thanks x

You'd be an absolute idiot to stay with him under the circumstances. Are you?

Littlechocola IME that is a very real possibility. It's one thing when people get together, have children and then develop issues which may affect their parenting, but it's another thing to knowingly bring an addict into children's lives.

He does not bring any of that to my house and doesnt do that around me

He does! He's an alcoholic. And a drug addict. Not part time. Full time

Unless you are telling me he hasn't been to your house or met your children....are you

My main concern isn't if he still loves his ex. I think honestly my main concern is how all of this will affect my state of mind when i have alot to focus on and look forward to this year.

Also truths are never easy to hear and straight talk is welcome, that is the reason i have posted.
I acknowledge my role in this and that i am not a perfect person. But attacking me for the sake of being rude or provocative does not help me here.

I also did not know he was an addict! It seemed like maybe he had issues with alcohol and that he drank a little too heartily. My child has NEVER been in any danger.

Mitzimaybe - Thank you for the advice, you make a very good point.

i have alot to focus on and look forward to this year
Them please do just that!
Focus on the positive and get rid of any negatives.
That means dumping this addict out of yours and your DC lives!

Dump and block.

An addict with social services involvement? Never going to end well.

Yeah, the social services involvement means he's being looked at closely. And who he's with.

Danger. Danger. Danger.

You didn't know he was an addict but you do now. Is the only danger you can see for your DC a physical danger? What about the emotional effect it is or will have on them?

He's a heavy drinker and drug user. Do you even know him sober without drink or drugs? Does he work?

Forumdonkey

Yes i do, and yes he does.

but i do recognise i seem to get myself into relationships with men who say to me, "You make me want to be a better man".
The last three have said that, which makes me think about the kind of men i am attracting - or am attracted to.

So change it. You know it’s a habit so set your bar higher.

Stop seeing yourself as a rescuer. If you don’t leave him you’ll get more and more involved and entwined and before you know you’ll feel stuck. And for fucks sake don’t get pregnant.

You’re lonely but that doesn’t mean you should have a fucked up relationship as an alternative.

I'm surprised he does tbh because his ex and mother of his DC's is a heoin addict and he is a user and heavy drinker. Their relationship sounds dysfunctional as yours does now. I hope he doesn't have a job where he relies on driving. You found out about his drugs and alcohol, what about when his employers do?

forumdonkey - that is something that is a major concern and now knowing what i know, i'm surprised he hasn't had any issues.

Oh Sarah, you sound so lovely, but you really need to dump this guy, it doesn’t matter if he’s working, his addictions are there and people on coke and smack (I’d say he also uses that cos his ex does and the two very often go hand in hand, coke for up, smack for down, or speedballs, which is both together) turn nasty, really nasty, even if they don’t get violent, more so than drunks. Psychological abuse, especially against children, is really common. I’ve been around them, everything is a problem, all the time. Everything they do is centred around their using, not around building a good life free of stress. And they are extremely selfish because the using makes them like that. Coke heads in particular get really weird about sex, it turns into a big power trip. But nothing is ever their fault and it will get worse and worse, it always does until they die.

Please, please concentrate on the good stuff you aim to do this year and look after your kids, by getting this loser out of your life. Also get yourself some counselling, you have clearly outlined that you are serially drawn to men like this and it doesn’t have to be that way. You don’t have to fix anyone, in fact you can’t, he won’t get clean and sober until he wants to. Not your problem. Sod him, his ex and his parents, you and your kids are the only priority here.

OP if his children aren't enough for him to sort his life out, why would you think you are.

You are just going to be one of a long line of women you believe you can cure him, make him better or whatever other bullshit he will spin.

Obviously it's more of a concern to you than it is to him and that tells you everything you need to know. He's reckless, selfish and his needs and wants are his priority. I do hope he doesn't drive

purpletrilby - thanks for explaining about the drugs - im not saying i am an angel but i genuinely don't know anything about cocaine, smack, crack, heroin or any of it so i dont know how it affects a person - or what i could be in for with regards to drug related behaviours. I genuinely don't have anybody i can talk to about this as none of my friends do drugs so they don't know and i've never been around people that have done coke or other things (apart from cannabis).

So what’s his role in the care of his children? Is he stepping up as they are living with a heroin addicted mother? Is he prepared to care for them full time if they are removed from the mother? It doesn’t sound as if he is in a position to do so.

Agree with pp that if he hasn’t sorted himself out by now he is not likely to.

He also says he isn't addicted - although i guess that's what everyone says? Can you be a habitual drug user without being 'addicted?'

You sound like a loving, caring person. You are a single mum and a student. Both require a lot of time and effort. If you are going to be in a relationship, you need someone who will support you and make your life easier. This man just wants YOU to support HIM (hence begging you not to leave him.) He will eventually place enormous demands on your time, your emotions, and probably eventually your money too. It's just not the right time for you to do this. You have enough stress of your own right now. Don't add his to your burden.

I do worry that it's come to this and it still hasn't been a motivation for him to clean up his act. I think that's what shocked me the most - not necessarily the drug taking but knowing it had come to such a serious measures with his kids and yet he STILL was/is doing it knowing that if he doesn't step up his children could go into care.
I realise i'm making him sound like a monster but the thing is he DOES love his kids and when he has them he does alot of things with them - more than my ex does with mine! But this destructive cycle he is in has got such a firm grip on him, it's so sad to see.

It really doesn't matter whether he is technically addicted or not. He is doing drugs. He is drinking heavily. Nitpicking the definitions is not helpful. If he says he's not addicted, that means he's claiming he "could" give it up if he wanted to. So that clearly tells you that he doesn't want to.

Can you be a habitual drug user without being 'addicted?'
No - that's called being in denial!
Why would he ask for your help if he wasn't hooked on drugs?
He wouldn't need to.
He would just stop.
He can't.
Because he's an addict.
Stop dissecting it and just end it!