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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drug using bf with complex ex issues

218 replies

Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 11:44

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I feel i need some unbiased and neutral advice about a situation i have found myself in, especially as its something i can't speak to my friends and family about.
I will try and keep it simple! Basically i have fallen in love with a man who i have found out has drink and drug issues. I knew he was quite a big drinker from the start but gradually over the months he admitted he takes cocaine. Now i've found out his ex (who is the mother of his kids) takes heroin and the social services are involved and it's becoming a very serious situation.
Obviously it's a horrific situation to be in and i feel for him massively and understand what stress it's been causing him. However i also feel , having only just found this out that perhaps it's a situation that is something i just dont want to be involved in. I'm sad its taken him so long to tell me.
Though conversely I also feel if you claim to love someone then you shouldn't just walk away from them, you should support them. However, and this is something ive felt from the start - i also feel his ex is the silent third partner in the relationship. And due to the issues and drama around what's going on with her, i feel this is going to be the way its going to be for the foreseeable future. I'm not sure his head is in the right space t o be entering into a new and serious relationship with me with all of this going on.
It feels like i am a welcome distraction from the stress of his 'normal' life for him and when he sees me he gets a break from it. I want to know he's with me for the right reasons. I still feel, regardless of what he says, that he has feelings for his ex and i worry this is just going to send me into a spiral of negativity when what i need to be doing right now is looking after myself, my children and focusing on building a good future for them.
I realise what i am typing probably comes across as selfish. It's not that i dont recognise the sadness of what's happening and obviously the bigger picture is the welfare of the children involved.
I really would welcome some advice, thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 12:15

Bit out of practice - thank you for the reply.

I didn't know he did drugs - he didn't tell me that until a good few months later.

And now, this revelation of his ex.

It's easy to see things in black and white, and i have asked for unbiased advice on here, so of course i am going to hear things that are harsh and make rash judgements of me also. I take that on the chin. However, i have not painted the full picture of this man, or of our relationship and the connection we have - no situation is without its nuances.

OP posts:
finnmcool · 04/01/2019 12:16

Also, don't fall into the trap of men saying you make them a better person etc.
They're just looking for a scapegoat for when they inevitably fuck up again.
You nagged me, you stressed me out, you didn't wipe my arse for me.

OohToBeAah · 04/01/2019 12:24

OP, the fact that you say that you attract, or are attracted to, a type of man who wants you to fix them is concerning.

Set your bar higher. You are worth so much more than just being a "fixer". As a PP said, it is not a woman's job to fix a man. He will not make a change in his life until HE is ready and wants to.

Life is far too short for this kind of drama, especially so early in a relationship and absolutely when children are involved.

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 12:24

Finnmcool - women are conditioned to help - that resonates with me alot. Part of me feels guilty even just thinking of walking away - i think about what his parents would think - if they would think bad of me or think im a bitch because i'd choose to walk away from their son. Of course that's not the reason i stay, but it has crossed my mind what people would think of me. Ridiculous i know, but as you say - we women are conditioned to be the caretakers.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/01/2019 12:28

OP you knew he was "a big drinker". You have known "from the start" that his ex is a big issue for him. So you've known from the start that he wasn't a great bet.

I'm afraid the "fallen in love" and "connection" stuff also makes me roll my eyes. You're not 15. You are a mother. With responsibilities. And presumably some life experience.

no situation is without its nuances

I'm afraid this one is. You are bringing a drug addict and alcoholic into your children's lives. Where's the nuance there?

So, what are you going to do?

finnmcool · 04/01/2019 12:30

The only caretaking you need to do, is of yourself and your children.
You wonder what his parents would think of you walking away?
What do you think they think of his life choices?
They would probably think highly of you for saving yourself from the nightmare they have to deal with.
You are clearly a kind, thoughtful person, so be kind to your children and yourself.
Show your children self worth.
It's six months in, that's no time for a negative, damaging, disruptive influence to be allowed to blow your world up.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/01/2019 12:31

You have children?!?!
FFS OP why would you even consider bringing them into this shit storm

THIS - with bells on

It's not just about you.
Protect your children.
That is your job!!!

Littlechocola · 04/01/2019 12:33

He needs to get better for him, not for you.
His dc and relationship with his ex obviously weren’t enough for him to get better so what would you or he say makes your relationship the one that will ‘fix’ him?

ElspethFlashman · 04/01/2019 12:33

Better you were a bit more judgemental to be honest.

Since when has "He's a coke head" not been a completely valid reason to dump someone?

He begged you to help him. Yep. He may as well have said "I need a crutch. It could be anyone but we get along and you like me, so will you be my crutch?"

Why can't someone take care of you for a change?

Billben · 04/01/2019 12:36

You have children???

Your priority is there. Not “saving” some junkie with a whole load of baggage.

Doobee · 04/01/2019 12:36

OP. You’ve been with him 6 months not 6 years. That’s 24 weeks roughly. And you’re worried what his parents would think? Are you really writing that?!? You really need help not just him. You’ve got serious issues judging by lots of the stuff you’ve written. Go see a therapist for help on self esteem, judgement, parenting and boundary settings. Let me be clear, you are NOT being a good parent letting a drunk/drug user into their lives. That alone (without the other shit storm stuff) should be enough for you to walk away. If you don’t, with all this social services stuff going on then you risk having your kids taken away too. You know that right? If you let this guy into your lives you run that risk. He takes drugs. He’s lied to you about taking drugs. You fell in love with a lie. You didn’t meet the real him did you? He put on an act that has now caught up with him. Bad bad news. Oh and have you even stopped to think why on Earth was he getting into another relationship with all that going on? That’s selfish. That’s not ok. So not only is he a drunk, drug user, liar he’s also selfish, immature and irresponsible. What a catch. Well done. Dump dump dump

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 12:38

Bit out of practice -
You're right, i did notice things from the off - but i choose to ignore them. I'm annoyed at myself for doing so because now i find myself in this situation and in some respects it's as much my fault as it is his for not disclosing everything from the off. I suppose i did not want to face up to the obvious because of the physical attraction and because of the fun that we have together. I am a single mom - and a student. I don't go out much and i get lonely. In some ways maybe i thought i would be the 'good woman' that will come to save the day and rescue him - he'd help me, and i'd help him. Abit sad and pathetic - maybe. Am i abit naive too - most likely.
But please don't assume that i would put my children in knowing harm or danger, He does not bring any of that to my house and doesnt do that around me.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 04/01/2019 12:38

He wants to get clean, he says. What exactly has he done to do this since he meet you 6 months ago? Nothing! What has he done since he told you? Nothing!

If he wasn't willing to do this when he became a father for the sake of his child, why do you think you will miraculously be the catalyst now. He wasn't willing to do it when he separated and left his children in the care of a heroin addict, but again you expect you are a good enough reason. He didn't do it for his kids, he's not going to do it for you. Drugs were more important than his own children ffs. Stop deluding yourself.

You can't protect his children, but you can protect yours. Who's more important here, him or your dc?

PerverseConverse · 04/01/2019 12:38

FFS Hmm

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/01/2019 12:41

He doesn't bring it to your house or do it around you. Are you sure? So it's an addiction he can just switch on and off is it?? That's a new one! If it was that easy, he'd be able to just stop. It's not. He can't. Or he doesn't want to.

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 12:43

Elspeth - yes absolutely worried about being 'the crutch'. This has hit the nail on the head. And yes, i do know i am worth more than being just that to someone, its just hard to leave someone high and dry when you care about them and their well being.

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 04/01/2019 12:46

Just realised that you have a child. You would be incredibly selfish to stay in this relationship. Put your child first.

Original poster
Sarah860 · 04/01/2019 12:47

Things do get better
Now that he has told me he has said that hes going to enrol in a programme and get himself sorted, i hope - regardless whether he's with me or not, that he sees that through for his kid's sake.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 04/01/2019 12:48

i seem to get myself into relationships with men who say to me, "You make me want to be a better man".
The last three have said that

And how did those relationships go?

Remember your DC's are having loser after loser come into their lives and you are doing it. Drug and alcohol abuse, do you want that in your DC's life because while ever you have this man in your life, YOU are inviting it into their lives too.

trulybadlydeeply · 04/01/2019 12:51

I would hope that you haven't introduced him to your children yet, but if you do, do you honestly believe that an addict is a good person to be introducing into their lives? An addict who would rather carry on being an addict than put his own children first.

There is a risk that SS could be involved in your children's lives. His children have two addicts for parents, and SS are involved. If they are questioning his ability to be a parent, they might also look at the contact he has with your children, and therefore the decision you have made to involve him in their lives.

You have to decide what is more important here - a man you have been in a relationship with for a very brief time, or your children.

Please end this, block any contact, and move on. You owe him nothing.

Dirtybadger · 04/01/2019 12:52

His DC are presumably at risk of being removed from his ex if SS are involved and she has a habit. He also has substance misuse issues so not likely they'll be placed with him. If that ain't motivation enough to sort yourself out then your girlfriend or partner of 6 months ain't gonna be either.

Get away now. You can't save him.

Dirtybadger · 04/01/2019 12:52

It's worrying your concern is that he is hung up on his ex...that's the bottom of the list of problems!!

Newyearnewstart19 · 04/01/2019 12:53

I found myself in a similar situation without the ex and children. I did not find about his habbit till we lived together as he kept it well hidden. He then begged me to help. Plodded on the next few years. However never really trusted him again. I even tried to make my life match his so he had no opportunity to do it. So my advice is walk away.

Littlechocola · 04/01/2019 12:56

I’m not 100% but if social services are involved with the family they might want to know of any other children that could potentially be at risk. That means your child.

Mitzimaybe · 04/01/2019 12:56

I agree with everyone else. I'm sorry that you are lonely and seem to feel that any relationship, however fucked up, is better than being on your own, but please put your children first. You and your children are never going to be his first priority. So make sure that they are yours. He is a coke-head alcoholic. Is that what you want around your children? He may be "clean" around them at the moment but as he gets to feel more secure in your relationship, that will change, I guarantee it. There will be one drunken / drug fuelled incident, and he will be extremely apologetic afterwards, and promise never to do it again. You'll think "it was only the once and he's learned his lesson" then it will happen again. And again.

Nothing good will come of it. The longer it goes on and the more co-dependent you become, the worse it will be. Better to end it now. He has already lied to you (by omission even if not directly.) What more do you need to find out about him before it is enough?

FFS don't worry about what his parents will think of you - worry about what your children will think of you when they are old enough to understand.