Drug using bf with complex ex issues

[Sarah860]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I feel i need some unbiased and neutral advice about a situation i have found myself in, especially as its something i can't speak to my friends and family about.
I will try and keep it simple! Basically i have fallen in love with a man who i have found out has drink and drug issues. I knew he was quite a big drinker from the start but gradually over the months he admitted he takes cocaine. Now i've found out his ex (who is the mother of his kids) takes heroin and the social services are involved and it's becoming a very serious situation.
Obviously it's a horrific situation to be in and i feel for him massively and understand what stress it's been causing him. However i also feel , having only just found this out that perhaps it's a situation that is something i just dont want to be involved in. I'm sad its taken him so long to tell me.
Though conversely I also feel if you claim to love someone then you shouldn't just walk away from them, you should support them. However, and this is something ive felt from the start - i also feel his ex is the silent third partner in the relationship. And due to the issues and drama around what's going on with her, i feel this is going to be the way its going to be for the foreseeable future. I'm not sure his head is in the right space t o be entering into a new and serious relationship with me with all of this going on.
It feels like i am a welcome distraction from the stress of his 'normal' life for him and when he sees me he gets a break from it. I want to know he's with me for the right reasons. I still feel, regardless of what he says, that he has feelings for his ex and i worry this is just going to send me into a spiral of negativity when what i need to be doing right now is looking after myself, my children and focusing on building a good future for them.
I realise what i am typing probably comes across as selfish. It's not that i dont recognise the sadness of what's happening and obviously the bigger picture is the welfare of the children involved.
I really would welcome some advice, thanks x

Also Sarah860 - my very first thought when I read your post was that he almost undoubtedly has a heroin habit or addiction as well. That was before reading that others had suggested the same. You say that it's one of the things that worries you the most. Well, it's looking like you were right about everything else, I've no doubt whatsoever that you are right about this too. I reckon deep down you know the truth, you need now to be honest with and trust and listen to yourself and your instincts. Get rid of him, otherwise so much misery will lie ahead for you and your DC.

“Four resonating very strongly right now. Thank you for taking the time to post that and share your situation”

You’re more than welcome. I really hope it was helpful.

I just reread a post you wrote where you said you felt bad because you will be contributing to his hurt.

Really, really no. You are not responsible for his emotions (again a concept that took a LONG time for me to get). Also, he misrepresented himself. Had he had come to you in the beginning and said ‘I take cocaine, I drink too much and my ex is a junkie who is about to get our kids taken into care’, you’d have given him a wide berth. Instead he has been lovely boyfriend-type and then hit you with the full extent (actually probably not the full extent) and asks you to support him.

He is not your responsibility, and for him to expect or ask you to be there - after only 6 months and after not giving you the full story - is completely unfair.

Imagine being his son or daughter knowing he is playing happy families 150 miles away and spending thousands on himself.

Omg. Those poor DC. Social services involvement means serious squalor /neglect/danger or at least a parent who cannot or doesn't feel the need to keep the DC safe.

A good father always prioritises his DC's emotional and physical needs and is hands on and involved.

He is their primary male role model so he needs to be the best man he can possibly be: honest, caring, involved and keeping them safe from harm.

What sort of man abandons his DC in an unsafe environment with an unsafe person?

How can any woman be attracted to a man who is so seriously failing his kids he's actively ruining their lives?!

If he won't go quietly op and turns up at your house despite you blocking him then just reiterate " your children need you more than I do" and "why aren't you with your DC? They need you"

I hope this thread can be stickered to help warn other kind, caring, soft hearted women who end up emotionally attached to unsuitable men.

The more I look back at things now.. things he's done, things he's said alot of it all makes so much more sense.
Bumshka ... I feel I've been conned in a way and you're right why should I feel bad that I've walked away or made to feel like I'm the one 'giving up' or the baddie here because i never knew what I was signing up for. Not the full extent.

And how can I possibly enjoy our time together now knowing that he should be at home getting his shit together and that he'd rather escape up here with me where he feels like a 'better man'. No wonder he feels good when he's with me because he's playing lets pretend and running away from his responsibilities and pretending they don't exist. I was sad yesterday but now I'm angry.
He said he wished he'd never told me and that he was trying to do the 'right thing'by telling me and that now he wished he'd never bothered!!!! How can he say that?

He said he wished he'd never told me and that he was trying to do the 'right thing'by telling me and that now he wished he'd never bothered

Wow...classic blameshifting. He is trying to make it sound like the problem isn't him, it's your reaction to his "honesty"! This is a textbook piece of manipulation: "the problem isn't my actions, it's your response to my actions".

I came on here to say I understand how hard it is to cut off someone with an addiction - I have a very close friend with a coke problem, and I would describe them as "a very lovely person who is basically self medicating because of huge emotional issues and a deep unhappiness". Sadly I would also have to describe them as "a manipulative addict who will lie to your face and who cannot be trusted to behave decently".

If you'd asked me a year ago if I could tell when my friend was on coke, I would have laughed and said "of course! It's so obvious, even when he thinks he's doing a good job of hiding it". But now I've had to admit that there are times when he's had a line and even I didn't spot it. Times like during the day at a kid's birthday party. Or when we were just hanging out on a Sunday. So I would say that you can never be completely sure that he doesn't use around you and your kids. And even if he hasn't yet, he definitely, totally 100% absolutely, will at some point in the future.

He's an addict and you're a codependent. He will do anything to shift his unpleasant feelings on to you and you like a mug will take it.

This man doesn't even know the definition of doing the 'right thing'
The only reason he told you was for self pitying selfish reasons and probably because his own lies were getting too complex to hide.
The actual right thing would be for him to exit the relationship not drag another woman and her dc in to his extremely fucked up life he & his ex have inflicted on his own dc.
But no it's still about him boohoo he was trying.....not good enough though for those dc 150 miles away

Gosh. So the whole addiction, blowing a fortune, hung up on the ex, may lose his children thing is only a problem because you found out There is no way he is going to genuinely clean up his act unless and until he changes that deeply unhealthy mindset - if he even can. Thank goodness you've decided to take the high road because frankly, the man you fell in love with simply doesn't exist. He was invented by the manipulative junkie to worm his way into your life, and it nearly worked.

"You make me want to be a better man", btw, worked fine on Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets, because (a) it was Jack Nicholson saying it, (b) the character was a rich and famous author who had effectively saved her son's life, and (c) he had actually taken the hated pills to try and be a better man, not just talked about it. It also worked because that was a romantic comedy, not real life. I wonder if the ex boyfriends who poached the line really understood what it meant.

I had a relationship with a man when I was in my 20s who said the same about how I made him want to be a better person. Funnily enough he is now in his 50s, ‘semi-retired’ (not sure from what as he never had a career to my knowledge) and addicted to cocaine.

I met up with him a few years ago for old times sake and he could not stop talking about cocaine. When I told him after that it put me off he denied it or didn’t realise he was doing it.

I think to get involved with someone, knowing the problems in his life - knowing you have children - shows a staggering level of selfishness and lack of self-awareness/denial of his issues. Who thinks it’s ok to put all that on someone else? It’s minimisation at its finest.

I'm thinking he was on dating sites to find someone like you as a crutch and escape from the sordid reality of the life he leaves his DC to suffer.

how did you meet this Clown ?

Bumblebee see above

Good luck in the future OP and stay strong. You have taken on some hard feedback in this thread 💪

Thank you danger...I've listened to the people who have offered the most practical, sensible and insightful advice rather than the people who want a dig. But all of the comments have offered a new perspective even the most harsh ones. I didn't think codependancy was one of my 'big issues' but I think I can see that it's a big factor in choosing the relationships that I do. Bought Russel brands 'recovery' so let's see how I can apply that here. Wish me luck and thank you for all the people that have taken the time to comment. I think everyone is battling a demon of some sorts.. hopefully we can extend compassion to people but NOT at the expanse of our own emotional integrity. It's a journey.

Expense*

oops noted

Are people having a dig or begging you to put your children first? Value them over this man but also over your own need to be needed? Why can't they be enough for you?

If you know you pick terrible men, can't you just remain single? At least until your kids are old enough to tell SS about the abusive alcoholics you're bringing into their home.

I'm not even sure about this whole "you're soooo lovely and selfless OP" thing. In reality you've introduced an addict and probable abuser to your kids. Not caring about the effects to them. You've done it for your own selfish desires. How is this lovely or selfless?

Stop seeing your codependency as some sort of moral superpower. It's not romantic. It's not kind. It doesn't make you a good person. It's selfish and dangerous and child neglect.

I never said I was selfless. I never said I was lovely. I never said I was perfect.
I don't see codependancy as a 'superpower'.

I didn't knowingly introduce my child to a drug addict.

You make it sound like I'mbringing a constant stream of alkies and druggies into my home like its some kind of episode of shameless or something. I work, I study, I live in a nice house in a nice area. My child is looked after, provided for and loved.
Yes I have made poor choices in love which I am trying to rectify. To mention that my children should report me to social services is misjudged, unnecessary and trust me...exceptionally unhelpful.

How many partners have your children met?

3

In 4 years.