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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nagging feeling

204 replies

onemoresmartie · 03/01/2019 19:32

Hi everyone

If you suspected someone was messaging your partner would you contact them to ask or take your partners word for it?
It is an ex from last year and I was with him before and now again after. They live hundreds of miles apart now but she messaged him at New Years when I was with him, at first he tried to hide it from me but I saw it and called him out on it.
He said that was the first time he had heard from her in a long time and he deleted and blocked her but I can't help this nagging feeling that there could be more to it.
Would a Facebook message to her be so bad to find out once and for all?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 03/01/2019 19:44

Op - you are being silly.
Why would you think she’d tell you anything?

In all likelihood she’ll tell him. And if nothing was going on - it’ll damage your relationship.
And if smth is going on - they’ll hide better.
Nothing at all to gain.

But a different question - and a more important one - why are you with him? You don’t seem to trust him is an ex who lives far away seems such a threat.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 03/01/2019 19:52

Your right, she won't tell me. She's a lot younger than me and I don't want to embarrass myself. Truth is if they are talking there is nothing I can do about it

I love him a lot, have tried to live without him and I can't and want to trust him but he has given me reason in the past not to so I suppose I need to decide if I can live always second guessing and hoping he isn't.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 05/01/2019 22:58

Jesus smartie I can't believe you're back with that twat again ConfusedBlush

StillAgony · 06/01/2019 12:42

I had similar, although the OW was an ex affair partner from when he was married (now a widow)
The suspicion drive me nuts, we live 60 miles apart and when we weren't together my imagination went into overdrive.
I was right to be suspicious, he had responded to her email with a view to meeting for sex.
We are no longer a couple. We are still in touch, but I refuse to waste my life trying to 2nd guess what he'd be up to when I wasn't around

pog100 · 06/01/2019 12:55

You know you have had hundreds of people advising you to dump this lying, using creep. You need to listen and do it, not keep starting basically the same threads here. He is bad for you. You will be secure in a relationship when you find a nice normal person to be in a relationship with. It isn't him.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 07/01/2019 10:51

So I'm not proud of myself but I went through his phone this morning

I found a phone call yesterday to the ex that I was worried about and so much more
Snapchat conversations with various other girls asking them to go to his house last Saturday to take Coke with him and telling them them how pretty they are
A message to his friend calling me a c**t because he had to give me £20 petrol money

I woke him up and said I was taking him home and I got half way and he refused to get out of my car

He showed no care or regret while I was in tears driving

I'm in pieces and have to try and pull myself together to function at work

OP posts:
Beelzebop · 07/01/2019 10:53

Get rid babe xx

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 07/01/2019 11:15

I'm do upset I can't believe his attitude when I was so upset I was shaking and he was grimacing

OP posts:
Dimsumlosesum · 07/01/2019 11:17

You are worth more than that nasty lying shit heap OP.

Lozzerbmc · 07/01/2019 11:22

He sounds awful and never say you cant live without him are you that needy?. You deserve a better man than him. New year new start? Wishing you well

MMmomDD · 07/01/2019 11:29

Looked up your old threads, smartie...
Really?

You took him back? And now you are surprised?
Either accept that this train wreck is your life and he treats you like a hotel/driver/part time gf - and stop complaining about it.
Or do something about your life.

Is he the only man on earth?

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 07/01/2019 11:50

I know, I just find it so hard to get my head round the fact he can be so cold to watch me cry and not give a shit

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 07/01/2019 12:11

No - OP - that bit isn’t hard to understand at all.

Why should he give any shit when he knows that no matter what he does you take him back, eventually.
It makes perfect sense.
He knows he just needs to wait out while your tears, and emotions go up and down and you get back to the needy place you occupy. And embrace him.

What is impossible to understand is why YOU think this is the best you can do. And that this is a relationship that you want to be in.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2019 12:17

You played it wrong, trying to get him out of the car. Next time, drive to a garage, ask him to get you a can of coke, then drive off once he's out of the car.

I don't know the backstory but it's obvious he's up to his old tricks.

Dirtybadger · 07/01/2019 12:18

Is this a new guy or the thief you dumped last year? Get fucking rid! Seriously, you are worth so much more and the relationship is toxic if you're checking his phone.

Your trust problem isn't an issue. It isn't without reason. You don't trust him because he isn't trustworthy

Don't even try. Accept the farce of the relationship and stop tormenting yourself. Assume the worst and accept it. Or end it. Permanently.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 07/01/2019 12:32

This is the same guy unfortunately. After all the advice I still gave him another chance.
I feel like such an idiot

OP posts:
Original poster
onemoresmartie · 07/01/2019 12:47

He's a thief a liar a cheater and a drug addict. I can't go on pretending we are some great love story.
He doesn't love me and probably never did.

He uses me for the perks. I am so upset at myself

OP posts:
Intohellbutstayingstrong · 07/01/2019 13:10

He doesn't love me and probably never did

Pretty much.
Stop being a door mat and giving him the green light to do what he wants when he wants.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 07/01/2019 13:22

Of course he doesn't love you! he doesn't even like you. FFS get some help for yourself. You are ruining your life over the same shit again and again. Jeez.

Dirtybadger · 07/01/2019 14:23

It can take some women a lot of "tries" to free themselves of dead weight. Make the next time your last time. You can do it.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 07/01/2019 14:31

This has to be the last time. There's no more trying

OP posts:
cafesociety · 07/01/2019 14:56

Don't try any more because all you are doing is being humiliated and giving your power, self esteem and mental health away to someone who doesn't care about you, let alone love you. He never will. Fact. You're just of use to him.

Next to go will be your physical health, risking your ability to work, earn money etc.etc. This bloke is so bad for you. Get support, and never go near him again.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/01/2019 16:29

When savvy posters refer to an OP's previous threads I always go and have a nose. Holy shit, Smartie! You're a glutton for punishment. There are loads of threads about your piece of shit partner.

In one October thread you wrote: "I just don't understand the hold he has and I almost wonder what would he have to do for me to finally end it...I question my own sanity sometimes or even my self worth because I tolerate such bull shit behaviour when all my friends and family say I deserve better."

If you keep making up with this bloke there's not a lot of point any of us offering either advice or support. You seem determined to keep making the same mistakes.

You're obviously getting something out of this relationship. Have you become addicted to the relentless drama? What was your family of origin like? Did you learn that constant crises in a relationship were normal, even desirable? Because this is incredibly unhealthy and your bloke can't take all the blame. You're contributing your share to this situation. If you won't LTB you're wasting your time asking advice.

steppemum · 07/01/2019 16:36

he can be so cold to watch me cry and not give a shit

this is because he does NOT give a shit about you.
he doesn't love you
he doesn't care if you are upset
He is not now or ever going to care for you, put you first, want to be with you.

Why do you love him? That is liek saying - Oh I love being ground in to the ground under someone's foot.

When you leave him, it hurts, and so you run back.
But you need to accept it does hurt. Some things that are good for you hurt, like and operation. See the next few months as being like you are recovering from a nasty disease. You need to let your self recover.

Flowers
HollowTalk · 07/01/2019 16:48

I think it's clear you can't break free of this man on your own. I think you should get counselling urgently.

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