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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nagging feeling

204 replies

onemoresmartie · 03/01/2019 19:32

Hi everyone

If you suspected someone was messaging your partner would you contact them to ask or take your partners word for it?
It is an ex from last year and I was with him before and now again after. They live hundreds of miles apart now but she messaged him at New Years when I was with him, at first he tried to hide it from me but I saw it and called him out on it.
He said that was the first time he had heard from her in a long time and he deleted and blocked her but I can't help this nagging feeling that there could be more to it.
Would a Facebook message to her be so bad to find out once and for all?

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 04/02/2019 23:10

I don’t want to believe that it was all a lie.

The lie is the fantasy you conjured up, that this was a great love story.

The truth, as you’ve written, is that he lied, cheated, cursed, abused, and stole from you. He is a drug addict with a gambling problem who hides from dealers. He is a sadist who enjoys degrading you.

Still, you prioritize this good-for-nothing over yourself and your son. While you are so immersed in him, you are neglecting your little boy. All for a monster.

You desperately need counseling, Smartie.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 04/02/2019 23:23

@MsDogLady is spot on.

You've created a fantasy around this male .

Your son needs you - so its very important you focus on moving forward without this male.

ImNotKitten · 04/02/2019 23:58

OP can come running back here as often as she likes. She knows what we'll all say, and she knows she needs to hear it. I'd rather her come here and talk than sit obsessing alone.

Well said Queen

Smartie I haven’t read your previous threads but from this one alone he has treated you terribly and you need to stay away from him for your own sake, forever. Do the freedom programme and learn what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship. In time you will meet someone else who treats you well without all this angst and drama.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 05/02/2019 07:49

Thank you all for your replies, I need to keep remembering all the reasons we are not together and yes how upset I was driving with tears streaming down my face and he doesn't care, don't know why I can't get it into my thick skull
Today's a new day and I need to get on with my life

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 05/02/2019 08:04

Today's a new day and I need to get on with my life

That's more like it! please do The Freedom Programme. It will help you immensely.

MiniTheMinx · 05/02/2019 09:29

I find it sad when you refer to yourself as having "a thick skull" and keep making reference to reminding yourself how badly he treated you. In many ways one reinforces the other suggesting that you are wallowing in self pitty because a) you think you deserved this and b) it's comforting in some way and familiar to you to feel bad about yourself.

It may be useful in the short term to remind yourself of how he made you feel, but it might also be that continuing to reflect and re-experience this as an emotion that continually reinforces your pain in the here and now is disallowing you to move forward.

I think you do need to seek therapy to untangle this.

MiniTheMinx · 05/02/2019 09:36

There is also something very maladaptive in wanting something harmful, and in continuing to love the very person who not only would hurt you but worse, is totally indifferent to you. The fact of his indifference "how could he" and your feeling that he might somehow meet someone else and be different, suggests that the reason you can't let go is not entirely because of him, but because you are desperate to heal your own fractured sense of self and self esteem.

Hugs......it will get easier, you deserve someone who will love you. And you need the self esteem, and confidence to accept that not everyone will love you. Indeed you don't need everyone to love you, but you do need first to learn to love yourself.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 05/02/2019 12:24

I can't afford counselling or therapy but will try and do the freedom programme....does seem more for people that have suffered domestic violence tho?

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 05/02/2019 12:41

There is counselling available at reduced rates for people on low income. You need it.

Your entire sense of worth is built on what this man thinks of you, and quite frankly, he doesn't deserve it - he sounds like a loser. So why are you craving his approval and love? This is what you need to unravel.

You have had some very good advise on this thread and you are still lost in your fog, you need to do this for your sons sake, and yours - because you do deserve better than this man and it's about time you realised it and stopped wishing he was different. He has shown you time and time again that he isn't who you would like him to be and you need to see that and to want better for yourself.

category12 · 05/02/2019 13:49

I think you'd find it useful, because it seems to me that you've been emotionally abused by this guy. Which categorised as domestic abuse.

MsDogLady · 05/02/2019 15:39

What do you mean you will TRY to do the Freedom Programme. Just do it. It is free. He is an abuser.

Why haven’t you asked your doctor to recommend or refer you to a counseling agency that charges on a sliding scale.

Smartie, if you TRULY want to get out of the toxic cycle, then you will be proactive in seeking support.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 12/02/2019 19:17

How is it even possible that he has a new girlfriend in under 5 weeks....I can't believe he has moved on that quickly I can't process how he has met someone that quickly
Is it likely she was on the scene before when we were together?

I know none of it should matter but it's hit me tonight that he actually never gave any fucks for me at all and everything he said on New Year's Eve and how nice he was....it was an act

OP posts:
Whocansay · 12/02/2019 19:20

He's moved on to his next victim. He will treat her just as badly. He's still an utter loser.

Try not to think about him and concentrate on you. Have you been on any dates yourself?

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 12/02/2019 19:42

I am not ready for dating at the moment emotionally I can't take anymore rejection and my self worth is rock bottom so I'm scared I'll get treated the same way again so it's just not worth it

I just feel so sad that he is flaunting his new victim already which shows even further how heartless he is as he has deliberately not blocked me so I can see his picture if I look up his number

OP posts:
category12 · 12/02/2019 19:47

Stop looking. Delete and block on your side and stop torturing yourself.You're doing it to yourself.

Whocansay · 12/02/2019 20:15

What category12 said. Stop looking him up. You are wallowing.

I appreciate you don't want to start dating yet, but I think a bit of fun in your life would go a long way. Can you grab some friends and do something fabulous at the weekend? Or do something fun with your DS for that matter. I don't mean to sound flippant, but I think you need something else to focus on.

Closetbeanmuncher · 12/02/2019 20:36

Have you not realised that the whole thing was an act. It has nothing to you with you he's just a useless worthless cunt.

This is yet another ploy to reel you back in....yawn

Closetbeanmuncher · 12/02/2019 20:40

All this time spent wallowing on this loser is taking precious interaction away from your son. There are a billions of useless scutters in this world..You only get this precious time with your son once.

Jesus please organize your priorities for the sake of your child. You've been told a million times over to seek the counselling and do the reading but you prefer to sit picking at the scab.....🤔

MsDogLady · 12/02/2019 21:13

Now, Smartie, you know that he is a predator who uses and abuses. He is likely a sociopath who feels no real emotion or empathy, and has no conscience.

Stop ruminating over this dangerous man.

Try to see your separation from him as a blessing to you and your son.

Have you started the Freedom Programme?

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 11/03/2019 14:39

Having a really bad day today feeling like I will never meet anyone else and he is already moved on 8 weeks later to someone new and having good times with them

I haven't been blocked so I feel like unblocking him but I need reasons why I shouldn't because I'm struggling to think of any

I hate feeling like this

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 11/03/2019 20:05

Have you had any counselling yet?

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 11/03/2019 20:55

No as I can't afford it. I'm trying to convince myself it's okay to have days like this as it's still quite early days

OP posts:
lunabody · 11/03/2019 21:25

Keep him blocked. You do not need him in your life, do not even grant him headspace.

You might be feeling rubbish now, but - it WILL get better. I've been there, boomeranged back and forward over a dozen times, finally found the strength to cut him out. If he's in your life, it will NEVER get better. There will always be some new shit that he pulls which tramples you and leads you to feeling worthless. Unblocking him is the first step towards letting that happen. DON'T DO IT.

Sending you a hug - please stay strong, you can do this xx

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 11/03/2019 22:56

Thank you @lunabody 🙂

Just re reading back through this thread has made me realise what a piece of shit he really is and the new girl has all the lies and the deceit to come.
He is using her the same way he used me.

I shouldn't be jealous that she's next in line for the emotional abuse and torture

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 12/03/2019 06:40

I am trying to say this as kindly as possible but you are letting yourself down every time you do anything remotely connected with this POS. This is why you feel bad, not because of what he is doing to you, but what you are doing to yourself. You appear to have very low self esteem, little to no self respect and no self love. Instead of wasting emotional energy and time in checking up on someone who has nothing but contempt for you, use this energy and time to help yourself so that you don't make the same mistake again. Try and understand what it means to value yourself, to set boundaries, to enforce those boundaries when they are crossed and to have self respect. You will start to feel much better about yourself, you will take better care of yourself (and by extension, your DC), you will be better able to recognise Red Flags in someone's behaviour and avoid them as a DP. Only then will you stand a chance of being able to form a healthy relationship with a future partner.

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