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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nagging feeling

204 replies

onemoresmartie · 03/01/2019 19:32

Hi everyone

If you suspected someone was messaging your partner would you contact them to ask or take your partners word for it?
It is an ex from last year and I was with him before and now again after. They live hundreds of miles apart now but she messaged him at New Years when I was with him, at first he tried to hide it from me but I saw it and called him out on it.
He said that was the first time he had heard from her in a long time and he deleted and blocked her but I can't help this nagging feeling that there could be more to it.
Would a Facebook message to her be so bad to find out once and for all?

OP posts:
category12 · 28/01/2019 14:29

You need to stop feeding it. Refuse to let it dominate your thoughts. Get up and do something else. Stop yourself from going round and round in circles mentally.

Do something about getting support. Sign up to the freedom programme.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 28/01/2019 16:10

Thanks @LJ25
I hope your in a better place now....I'm taking it one day at a time but it's horrendous
I have to hope that he was only chance at love

OP posts:
Original poster
onemoresmartie · 28/01/2019 16:10

*wasnt

OP posts:
LJ25 · 28/01/2019 16:18

You've done the right thing and one day you will find someone who deserves you, look after yourself and give yourself time to have fun Thanks

showmeshoyu · 28/01/2019 16:56

only chance at love

If that's what constitutes love OP, you're better off without it. There was no love from his side at all.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 04/02/2019 19:40

4 weeks and I stupidly called him drunk and he sent me a message saying 'whos's this'
It has upset me so much...I wasn't the one that done anything wrong and he's literally cut me out.
Feeling so upset tonight..he also wrote don't ever call me again so of course I won't
Why do I feel so hurt when I walked right into it 😞 AGAIN

OP posts:
category12 · 04/02/2019 19:45

Have you done anything about getting support or started the Freedom programme?

Bekabeech · 04/02/2019 19:48

You will make mistakes.
But pick yourself up and keep going. Eventually he will be nothing to you, but it takes time.
Try to get busy. Find some counselling. And concentrate on the number one man in your life - your DS.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 04/02/2019 20:10

Thanks I've done so well and really thought I was making progress, now I'm just sad and hurt that he has spoken to me. I am thinking it will be his grief as he has had a bereavement since we split so no doubt he hates me for not being there for him.
I don't know why I thought he would be pleasant

OP posts:
category12 · 04/02/2019 20:14

You're out of your mind, OP. He doesn't hate you for not being in contact over the bereavement, he just doesn't give a shit about you and hasn't for a long time.

MsPavlichenko · 04/02/2019 20:18

It is good that he did this. Otherwise you might have got back into the cycle of abuse.

Have you looked at the Freedom Programme? If not, why not do it tonight. Delete and block him on everything.

He is an abuser who doesn't give a fuck about you. Keep saying this to yourself.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 04/02/2019 20:19

Thanks @category12
I am 4 weeks into a breakup and only human but thanks for that

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2019 20:28

You need to hear what cat12 said, op.

You are not thinking straight. How could you "be there" for him after his bereavement ?

He doesn't want you. Write it in black marker and put it where you can see it every day

He doesn't want you

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/02/2019 20:30

Why are you doing this to yourself? You seem to be wanting to find excuses for his behaviour to you.

He doesn't hate you for not being in contact over the bereavement, he just doesn't give a shit about you and hasn't for a long time

The above is the truth. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll move on.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 04/02/2019 20:35

I know he doesn't want me and that is what kills me the most. I just can't seem to accept it. I don't want to believe that it was all a lie, no matter how many times I say it to myself I don't believe it.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 04/02/2019 20:43

So do the Freedom Programme. It will help you understand.

showmeshoyu · 04/02/2019 20:49

I am 4 weeks into a breakup and only human

Don't pretend this is normal or only human. Get yourself some damned help before you take him back AGAIN given you've been texting him AGAIN. He just wants you to fucking crawl back to him. You need to get a grip, quickly, you have a massive problem and you won't admit it. If you fail at this and come running back here, expect derision.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 04/02/2019 20:50

I've just opened up the online course...is this the right one?
Let's you trial it?

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/02/2019 20:55

If you fail at this and come running back here, expect derision

OP can come running back here as often as she likes. She knows what we'll all say, and she knows she needs to hear it. I'd rather her come here and talk than sit obsessing alone.

streakofmalevolence · 04/02/2019 20:56

For goodness sake stop being so fucking self absorbed
I have no doubt that life has been tough for you,but please think about your son in all of this.He should be your first priority ...always

MsPavlichenko · 04/02/2019 21:12

You can do it online, but is even better if you find a group as you'll have the support of the other women doing it.

But worth looking at what's online anyway, and ordering the book.

MsDogLady · 04/02/2019 21:18

Don’t be daft, Smartie. His reaction has nothing to do with your not sending condolences.

You are spinning this to get a foothold into his world, just as you did last week when you messaged the OW.

Drinking only brings you further down.

Have you sought counseling yet?

category12 · 04/02/2019 21:53

How about you reread your own posts about you crying your eyes out driving after finding out about the OW and he's completely cold to you, how he's a thief a liar and a cheat. And here you are continuing to abase yourself and doing anything for a tiny bit of his attention. I've been sympathetic, but you have to do something to help yourself and stop deluding yourself.

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/02/2019 22:02

Concrete sledge Confused

How are you going to parent your child when your entire being is completely consumed by this??

Stop with the excuses, stop with the self pity and stop getting pissed if you know you can't control yourself.

This has to be a wind up surely because I just can't see why the approval of this fucktard matters to you so much.

You won't find the security OR approval you're seeking; he preys on women like you.. puppetmaster.

You shouldnt even be looking to a man for those things in the first place...YOU as a grown woman should be providing it for YOUR SON.

Put on your big girl pants and get with the programme smartie....it's time to grow a spine, seriously.

showmeshoyu · 04/02/2019 22:11

OP can come running back here as often as she likes. She knows what we'll all say, and she knows she needs to hear it. I'd rather her come here and talk than sit obsessing alone.

I agree, but some of the replies have already been "ffs not that loser again". It's herself she's hurting and I do feel compassion, anger (on her behalf) and sorrow. I'm not made of stone. However, there has to come a point where you recognize that people who voluntarily go back into this behaviour are choosing to do so rather than seeking help and that at some point people will say enough is enough.

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