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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nagging feeling

204 replies

onemoresmartie · 03/01/2019 19:32

Hi everyone

If you suspected someone was messaging your partner would you contact them to ask or take your partners word for it?
It is an ex from last year and I was with him before and now again after. They live hundreds of miles apart now but she messaged him at New Years when I was with him, at first he tried to hide it from me but I saw it and called him out on it.
He said that was the first time he had heard from her in a long time and he deleted and blocked her but I can't help this nagging feeling that there could be more to it.
Would a Facebook message to her be so bad to find out once and for all?

OP posts:
Ragnarhairybreetches · 22/01/2019 15:04

Walk away Smartie, anything else is madness and will just start it all again, no contact, no contact with his friends and partners, nothing. Stop picking this spot, it's going to get infected.

SilverySurfer · 22/01/2019 15:05

You are looking for an excuse to get involved in his life again. The new woman won't believe a word you say so it is a waste of time. He will have likely told her untrue things about you and she will assume you are trying to damage their relationship (maybe not far from the truth).

After all your countless and lengthy threads, you've done the right thing by blocking him.

It's time to take some time out from all this, give yourself a few months to find yourself again before even thinking about a new relationship.

Wishing you the very best.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 22/01/2019 15:07

I have screen shots etc so it's not a case of whether she believes me or not. I want her to be armed with the facts that he is a using lying manipulating piece of shit. Simply all it is

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 22/01/2019 15:10

She'll find out soon enough without your input. Hold your head high and refuse to engage with either of them. Focus on YOUR future, not theirs.

FauxFox · 22/01/2019 15:15

I doubt she will listen, she will probably call you bitter and leave you feeling worse - please just leave it. Not your problem, concentrate on making a nice life for you and your son without all this negative drama Flowers

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 22/01/2019 15:38

My friend has just rang me and talked sense into me. She said doing it 3 days after he has had a bereavement is a bad idea and will only cause trouble for me.
It's so hard, I am trying to focus on my life

OP posts:
OrdinaryGirl · 22/01/2019 18:27

Have you tried Paul McKenna's 'I can mend your broken heart'? It's really good and has helped two of my friends a lot. The book comes with a hypnotherapy CD which helps break the addiction to the person.

category12 · 22/01/2019 18:43

I'm glad you have a sensible friend.

You need to concentrate on your dc and on planning good things for your life. Set yourself some goals, things you'd like to do for yourself and your dc, and start working towards them. Say, set up a little savings account towards a trip, or plan to decorate a room, whatever.

Don't allow yourself to dwell on what the ex is doing, or triggers or connections to him - when you catch yourself obsessing, say to yourself "time to stop that" and make a conscious effort to think about your plans. Stop indulging yourself in the shitshow. Imagine what you could achieve if you put half the effort and mental energy you waste on him into something else.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 24/01/2019 20:05

I had the dreaded question from my ds tonight

When are we going to see x again?

He's only 8 and hasn't seen him since November and even then he wasn't a massive part of his life...maybe saw him a couple of times a month.

The last time we split and I told him the truth he was so upset and I just can't bring myself to tell him the truth this time so just brushed it off and said he's working away and I'm not sure when we will see him again

Am I an awful mum? 😞

OP posts:
category12 · 24/01/2019 20:12

If it's taken him 2 months to ask about him, it's not exactly high in his mind. I think you're overthinking it. If he had so little contact then its most likely he was upset because you were upset.

And again I think it's the 'addicted' part of your brain trying to find another reason to obsess and tempt yourself.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 24/01/2019 20:17

@category12 I just look at my wonderful ds and think to myself how could this prick do this to both of us. He's such a lovely boy and I know I should of protected him better but it breaks my heart to think he only ever used me.
Today has been better not thinking too much but I do still need to seek help I think as thoughts creep in about him so much or is it still early days?

Only been just under 3 weeks, I'm hoping in 3 months it will be totally different and I'll be getting on with my life

OP posts:
category12 · 24/01/2019 20:24

I think you should get support - it's hard to break patterns on your own. Counselling, the Freedom Programme, bit of time working on your boundaries and building yourself up.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 25/01/2019 20:58

I am so deeply depressed, I feel like I have nothing to live for and was even thinking my ds would be okay with grandparents if I took an overdose.

I have cried all night and I look at myself in the mirror and think no one will want me ever, I can't bare the thought of
My ex moving on and having children or being happy with anyone else.

Just had to pour this feeling out somewhere

OP posts:
thenightsky · 25/01/2019 21:04

I'll repeat what a previous poster has said:

Have you tried Paul McKenna's 'I can mend your broken heart'? It's really good and has helped two of my friends a lot. The book comes with a hypnotherapy CD which helps break the addiction to the person

This is excellent and really works.

Rufftumbles · 25/01/2019 21:20

Please find help and support. For your son’s sake more than anything else. He needs you and no grandparents could ever replace his mum.

Be the best mum you can be and get help. Start with the Freedom Programme. Go speak to a GP and talk through your depression. Your child will never be better off without you.

Rufftumbles · 25/01/2019 21:21

This is practical step-by-step advice that you need to take. Push the chatter from your mind aside and focus on this. Focus on your son.

Extravagant · 27/01/2019 17:21

@onemoresmartie, there is a really good book called ‘Why Men Love Bitches’. Please read it, it sounds like it would be a very good investment for you x

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 27/01/2019 21:09

So...against all of your advice I just had to message this other woman....the other ex
I know I know
But I am glad I did as she couldn't of been nicer and told me that he called me his ex wife!
I do regret doing it a little bit tho as she has obviously told him and now he has blocked me on WhatsApp whereas before even tho I had blocked him I could still see his pic now it's gone

Do you think he is angry at me for telling her?

OP posts:
Original poster
onemoresmartie · 27/01/2019 21:11

I have downloaded the Paul McKenna book by the way thanks for the recommendation

OP posts:
oiiiiiii · 27/01/2019 21:54

Do you think he is angry at me for telling her?

Oh OP. Please get professional help. For the DC sake x

heartyrebel · 28/01/2019 00:51

Facepalm

showmeshoyu · 28/01/2019 01:21

Do you think he is angry at me for telling her?

Why the heck should you even care given you're NC? Oh right, it's because you're going to get back together with him.

Angry
dopeydogg · 28/01/2019 01:26

Grow up. How can anyone with a child be behaving like this.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 28/01/2019 14:01

I'm not getting back with him, I hate feeling like this it's consuming and I don't know what to do to stop feeling like it

OP posts:
LJ25 · 28/01/2019 14:27

Op, I was in your situation 2 years ago and looking back I can see that I put too much pressure on myself to be ok and to not feel incredibly sad straight away. It has only been a few weeks for you, your doing better than I did, I was so self destructive and I cried every single day for 3 months, I even turned up at his work once and begged for him back and cried in front of his customers, I am ashamed of myself for doing that but when your in that headspace all you want to do is grab their attention and hope that they 'realise' what they have lost, but people like that never do. I just want to say, give yourself more time, reassure yourself that you will get over this and start being happy and living your life and move on, it will happen, it just takes time Thanks

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