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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nagging feeling

204 replies

onemoresmartie · 03/01/2019 19:32

Hi everyone

If you suspected someone was messaging your partner would you contact them to ask or take your partners word for it?
It is an ex from last year and I was with him before and now again after. They live hundreds of miles apart now but she messaged him at New Years when I was with him, at first he tried to hide it from me but I saw it and called him out on it.
He said that was the first time he had heard from her in a long time and he deleted and blocked her but I can't help this nagging feeling that there could be more to it.
Would a Facebook message to her be so bad to find out once and for all?

OP posts:
category12 · 20/01/2019 09:07

Op, make an appointment with your gp to ask for counselling or CBT to deal with obsessive thought patterns and grief of a break up.

Get yourself on the "freedom programme".

Consider not drinking if you tend to use it as an excuse to get in contact with him. Or indeed as a crutch. Alcohol doesn't help, it affects serotonin and makes everything worse. If you are a problem drinker, get that in hand too, with your gp's support.

MrsDaveGrohl78 · 20/01/2019 10:31

Fucking hell OP.

Seriously, get the fuck away from him, he's clearly quicksand to you.

I spent 4 years of my life on someone similar (not quite as bad but bad enough) and it took me several attempts to leave and stay gone. I had to go NC and to be honest it was a good year until I was over him completely. I look back now and can't believe what a mug I was. You need to get to this point, block him!

I'd certainly be looking into some counselling too, your self esteem must be rock bottom to keep letting this waster back into your life.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 20/01/2019 10:34

He has been blocked for nearly 2 weeks now and I have been staying strong I just don't want him or anyone to think I'm a heartless cow to not reach out to him.
I have been doing so well and trying to get on with my life so I know it's a bad idea to be sucked back into it all.

OP posts:
Tlypotterton · 20/01/2019 10:46

Onemoresmartie;keep him blocked on your phone and out of your life.What especially concerns me reading this thread is that this man was a thief and a drug taker and you have a child,why would you allow a toxic person like that into your life and more than once when you have a child?,The best reason not to ever weaken and ever decide to give the scumbag another chance is your child.

LocksOfGold · 20/01/2019 11:20

Has he even tried to reach out to you over the past 2 weeks? Even if he's blocked there are many other ways to get in contact if he wanted to... Don't go rushing round there to be there for him when he won't even want you there anyway!? No brainer.

NameChangeNugget · 20/01/2019 11:25

The Dad’s death has absolutely nothing to do with you. Don’t make it an excuse.

You’re doing great

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/01/2019 11:26

To be blunt, contacting him won’t be a caring thing to do,

It will be an addict (that’s you) using the loss of a parent as justification to get a fix.

So be clear: you would be using someone’s bereavement in order to make yourself feel better.

Is that who you are?

Stop giving this scumbag all the power.

showmeshoyu · 20/01/2019 11:26

I just don't want him or anyone to think I'm a heartless cow

What he or his family think of you have ceased to be your concern.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 20/01/2019 11:27

Thanks everyone...I won't be contacting him as I know it's not the right thing to do. He has family and other people to support him through it. It isn't my place anymore to do so

OP posts:
category12 · 20/01/2019 11:40

That's right. It's not being a "heartless cow", it's breaking the pattern and setting him free, as well as yourself.

He's bad for you and you're no good for him either. The dynamic you have together is toxic and you're locked into a destructive pattern, which makes you his perpetual victim and him a bastard. Out of it you might both be better people.

DustyMcDustbuster · 20/01/2019 11:55

I’m going to say something controversial here, but do please listen.

You keep saying you don’t deserve to be treated like this, you abdicate all responsibility, yet you have to accept that you are unilaterally making shit choices. Until you accept your own responsibility in this, you will remain a victim. And you will keep posting the unfolding drama.

I was battered by my son’s father 3 times. The first time, completely took me by surprise, BUT after a while, I had to realise I made the choice to go back. I was responsible for my part in that shitshow. I’m not saying I (or you) were to blame for it, per se, but make a choice to remain a victim or to live your life. As for your child - what exactly is this showing him?

Sorry if you find that too harsh, but saying anything else is just enabling you.

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/01/2019 11:55

Aaaaaaaand they're back together Blush

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 20/01/2019 11:58

Back together? I haven't spoke to him and taken the advice

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/01/2019 12:04

smartie if you can't be truthful with us at least stop lying to yourself

You are looking for a reason to contact him and set this shit show on the road again. You think you want "closure" but really that translates as dependency on the drama.

If it wasn't his father's death it would be something else.

Keep him blocked and focus on your child. You are not being the best mother you can be to keep exposing him to this.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 20/01/2019 12:31

My ds isn't exposed to any of this...he hasn't seen or heard from him since end of Oct.
Thanks for all your replies

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 20/01/2019 12:58

If your ds has a mother who is distracted, obsessed, absorbed, upset, overly focused on a crap man, then he is being/has been affected I’m afraid.

Stay strong.

DustyMcDustbuster · 20/01/2019 13:21

This!

Plus you said your parents had a tea party for him. Sounds a bit like you were too involved in this stuff to plan anything. Sorry, but your child is exposed to this, directly or indirectly.

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/01/2019 14:15

Agreed @AtrociousCircumstance

Why are you even entertaining this scutter in the first place?

The fuck..

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/01/2019 14:25

I've advised you to do this many times but you don't seem to take it on board. Read up on the following....

Ruminations, narcissism, codependency.

There in lies the 'answers'

Huskylover1 · 20/01/2019 14:26

He's just one Penis, in a planet full of Penis......find one that's attached to a nicer human being.

MsDogLady · 20/01/2019 15:36

Smartie, your son IS affected by your addiction to this man and the constant torment it creates.

You struggle when you are with him. You struggle when you are not with him. Your struggling affects your little boy. It is ever-present. When you think you are hiding it, it is seeping out. Even at your son’s birthday party you were “so miserable and distracted.”

Do not allow yourself to contact this man ever again.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2019 17:40

You said yourself you were upset and distracted at your son's party

Don't kid yourself that having a mother obsessed with this no-mark and living in a constant state of uncertainty is not doing him any harm.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 20/01/2019 17:57

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/01/2019 18:47

Do the right thing, love

In the words of the late, great Amy Winehouse stop fucking yourself in the head with stupid men

We are on your side. We can see you wrecking your life if you don't get off this toxic merry-go-round for good

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 20/01/2019 21:51

Is the best way to get counselling through your gp? Or is it best to go privately?

OP posts:
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