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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nagging feeling

204 replies

onemoresmartie · 03/01/2019 19:32

Hi everyone

If you suspected someone was messaging your partner would you contact them to ask or take your partners word for it?
It is an ex from last year and I was with him before and now again after. They live hundreds of miles apart now but she messaged him at New Years when I was with him, at first he tried to hide it from me but I saw it and called him out on it.
He said that was the first time he had heard from her in a long time and he deleted and blocked her but I can't help this nagging feeling that there could be more to it.
Would a Facebook message to her be so bad to find out once and for all?

OP posts:
Whocansay · 07/01/2019 16:51

How many times are you going to do this to yourself, OP?

You've asked for advice time and again, and ignored it all.

Mummyoftwo91 · 07/01/2019 17:03

Don't ask for advice if you will continue to ignore it, you know what the right thing to do is.

newye · 07/01/2019 17:28

I mean this kindly but I think you deserve how he treats you then maybe that's the only way he will make you understand he doesn't care about you and for you to get more self respect. Stop forcing yourself on him it's not even like he's got any redeeming qualities

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 07/01/2019 17:33

Thanks for all your messages. I don't think anyone deserves to be treated like it which is why I am walking away for good this time. I have realised that what we have isn't love. It has taken longer than it should of but the penny has dropped.
I don't deserve it when all I have ever done is try and support him and help him out but no more. He isn't taking advantage of my nature anymore

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2019 17:38

Rinse
And repeat

newye · 07/01/2019 17:45

See you in a week or two when you write about forgiving him but he's still not treating you right . Yes no one deserves to be treated badly but when you refuse to see the writing on the wall , then maybe you deserve after all .
See you in a week , max 2 weeks

forumdonkey · 07/01/2019 18:54

You bring it all on yourself because you keep on going back to him. Sorry but I have no sympathy for you.

Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 07/01/2019 20:31

What can I say 😔

OP posts:
heartyrebel · 07/01/2019 20:42

You can do it. Dump him for good

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 07/01/2019 21:29

He is dumped....I blocked him this afternoon so he has no way of contacting me. I am tempted to message the girls he has sent messages to but I'm holding back as don't want to embarrass myself

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/01/2019 00:41

No. Step away now and have nothing to do with any of them. And find a good counsellor.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 08/01/2019 11:57

Have had a good long chat with my mum this morning which has made me realise and also things have happened to my car
I need to cut him out once and for good...last year was the last one spent thinking of him and putting up with his shit.

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 08/01/2019 12:06

Step away OP.

You need to take ownership now of your life. Get some coaching or counselling to help you take back your power.

To start, write these lists:

  1. a list of all the things you hated about the relationship. Take off your rose tinted glasses and keep the list somewhere you can access it easily if you are feeling tempted to contact him.
  1. a list of all the things you can do now that you couldn't do while you were with him.
  1. a list of all the things you have in your life that you are grateful for - none of which can relate to him. Keep this on hand too, to remind yourself that you have lots in your life, and you don't need him.
  1. a list of 10 things you want to do in the next 6 months. Pick 3 and break them down into 4 things you can do right now to start to achieve those goals.

Also change your routines, so that you aren't doing things that remind you of him. eg if you always went to a particular park/supermarket/restaurant - go somewhere else!

If you keep doing what you've done in the past, you will get what you've always got. You have a choice now - you can choose to take your power back, grieve the relationship you thought you had, and rebuild your life. Or you can choose to keep repeating the same mistakes.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 09/01/2019 10:04

Thank you @Brakebackcyclebot
Really useful tips there. I do need to rebuild my life and find my own happiness again away from him completely.

OP posts:
onemoresmartie · 09/01/2019 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 11/01/2019 13:28

Really struggling today, need someone to talk to but I have nothing to say...I can't make any sense of it all at all
Dreading the weekend and it's ds's birthday today so I need to snap out of it

OP posts:
pog100 · 11/01/2019 13:55

People will talk to you here, as long as you stay no contact with this cheating, abusive piece of shit. YOU are worth infinitely more than what he can give you, even at his best, and you don't deserve a minute of his worst. Be you, you are fine on your own, you are great on your own, do not contact him, ever again.

Adora10 · 11/01/2019 14:10

I am tempted to message the girls he has sent messages to

Why, unless you want to carry on this joke of a relationship and allow him to shit all over you again?

You are struggling, after a couple of days, honestly, no offence but you seem to have zero self control, I really wish you luck in finding out your own self worth, you are wasting your time on someone that has literally nothing but contempt for you, I also think you need personal counselling.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 11/01/2019 14:27

Thanks @pog100
I am staying no contact as I know this is the only way.

I just can't get my head round a lot of things and finding it difficult to switch off the thoughts

OP posts:
Original poster
onemoresmartie · 11/01/2019 14:29

@Adora10 thank you for your message
I think counselling might help but I don't understand why you think he regards me in contempt? I haven't ever done anything?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 11/01/2019 14:35

Because he treats you like shit OP, that's why.

You have to give this time, you don't give it long enough and go running back, at least give it a go this time otherwise he will still carry on treating you like shit and you will start get the same answers on here; take the advice is all I can say!

forumdonkey · 11/01/2019 17:19

It's your DS birthday, he should be your focus. Make his birthday and weekend special.

Whocansay · 11/01/2019 18:04

Are you able to go out with friends? Distraction is good.

What are your plans for DS' birthday?

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 11/01/2019 18:57

I have been round my parents they have thrown him a tea party but I'm so miserable and distracted

Can't seem to pull myself out of it 😞

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 11/01/2019 21:17

I think the problem is people will feel there's little point in offering advice and support because you ignore it all. Best of luck though.

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