Nagging feeling

[onemoresmartie]

Hi everyone

If you suspected someone was messaging your partner would you contact them to ask or take your partners word for it?
It is an ex from last year and I was with him before and now again after. They live hundreds of miles apart now but she messaged him at New Years when I was with him, at first he tried to hide it from me but I saw it and called him out on it.
He said that was the first time he had heard from her in a long time and he deleted and blocked her but I can't help this nagging feeling that there could be more to it.
Would a Facebook message to her be so bad to find out once and for all?

If you can afford to go private, I would, as there may be a waiting list and a limited number of sessions with the NHS. You can look on the BACP website for someone suitable.

You could also do the "Freedom Programme" as well. Ideally in person but there's an online course too.

Would it be so bad to message the ex? Tell her exactly what has been going on and leave it up to her to make the decision. I know I wish someone had told me he was being a creep

I think in your situation as it has taken so long to release yourself from this bloke, I would leave it.

Normally I say tell them. But you just need to focus on moving on from this bloke.

I think this is just a way of you getting his attention again. I don't think you'd be doing it for her, you'd be doing it because you are struggling to resist contact.

Think of yourself as an addict. You need to avoid temptation. Part of your brain is devoted to trying to find ways you can get your fix, no matter how bad it is for you.

I know your right. I just hate the fact he will be using her for emotional support and she prob has no idea we were back together and he has been messaging her at the same time. I just want her to know that he is a compulsive liar and a manipulator

You continue to try to engage. Just say no. No contact with any of the parties, no drama, no space in your head for him. If you engage, you'll be back with him as square one and we will all facepalm.

I won't be back with him as I have no intention of unblocking him. I just don't want him to get away with treating someone else the same way he has me.

It's no longer your problem. By making it your problem, he's still in your head. Just walk away.

I will feel better by letting her know. He cannot keep getting away with being a twat with no repercussions

And so it goes on

It sounds like you’re trying to create drama, not do the right thing.

Why are you giving him headspace? He’s so not interested in you

What would annoy her even more is you getting back with him.

He is no longer your problem, nothing to do with him is your problem.

Let him go.

It's doesn't matter to me that he's not interested in me
It will make me feel better and she deserves to know just like any woman being messed around does

Until he then makes it your problem again. Ever hear the old saying "before setting out for revenge, dig two graves".

What do you mean?

Also, don't pretend you're doing it for her benefit, you're doing it to make yourself feel better, which is the wrong reason. Acting out of spite is an ugly direction to take your life in.

When you try to get revenge by disrupting his life, who knows what he will do in return. Or threaten to and then you'll be on the lookout for him. Just stay away from the drama and make your new life.

So I should say nothing because of what he might do....I refuse to be scared of him

Why give it any headspace though? He will cause you stress and then you'll get back with him.

Smartie, you are once again trying to involve yourself in his life.

You hate the idea of his connecting with another woman, so you want to sabotage that.

You have been doing so well. Don’t sabotage yourself.

”It doesn’t matter to me that he’s not interested in me.”

Smartie, you know this is not true.

It really doesn't...if anything I know that by doing this there is no way we will ever get back together

Your priority at the moment needs to be about YOU.

You need to be protecting yourself and making this as easy as you can for yourself, I think your history with this man shows that you absolutely need to separate yourself from his life as much as you can and you have to focus on YOU right now. You are still thinking about what he is doing etc, and that anger is good, and I can understand you wanting to help his ex, it’s a kind thing to do but at the moment I really think you need to be as kind as possible to you, to help YOU get through this. You have to disengage with his life completely.