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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nagging feeling

204 replies

onemoresmartie · 03/01/2019 19:32

Hi everyone

If you suspected someone was messaging your partner would you contact them to ask or take your partners word for it?
It is an ex from last year and I was with him before and now again after. They live hundreds of miles apart now but she messaged him at New Years when I was with him, at first he tried to hide it from me but I saw it and called him out on it.
He said that was the first time he had heard from her in a long time and he deleted and blocked her but I can't help this nagging feeling that there could be more to it.
Would a Facebook message to her be so bad to find out once and for all?

OP posts:
Original poster
onemoresmartie · 11/01/2019 22:43

I'm not ignoring it this time

OP posts:
Adora10 · 11/01/2019 23:13

Give it more time it will get easier your child is a good distraction so spend your energy on him he deserves it.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 12/01/2019 10:03

I am going to look after myself and stay strong. I am going to sort out my house today after the past couple of weeks I have been neglecting housework and ds wants a pj day. Tomorrow I'll take him out to spend his birthday money and maybe go to our local trampoline park. So glad it's my weekend to have him as I know I would hit the drink otherwise as a way of distraction.

OP posts:
pog100 · 12/01/2019 20:40

That sounds much better OP, you can do this!

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 13/01/2019 22:53

Thanks @pog100

I am so proud of myself which sounds ridiculous but I had two of my friends round for drinks last night and managed not to unblock him and send him drunken texts
This is usually when I weaken, hopefully I have turned a corner and at least tomorrow morning won't be started off like last Monday morning driving to work in tears

OP posts:
itaintme · 14/01/2019 01:24

Why are you doing this to yourself and your kid? This person has absolutely no respect for you atall, they have no consideration for how you feel and your kids aren't receiving your 100% attention as you're wasting your energy and time focusing on someone who is continuously breaking your heart over and over. Do not let someone ruin your life and every time you think of going back or miss him remember how you feel now and how he's made you feel all those other times. One day you might find someone who loves and respects you and brings out the best version of yourself. Listen to the advice and take action.. if you do it again then you must know that the only fool in this is you. You won't want to look back on your life and realise you've done nothing but sulk over someone that was nothing but a selfish prick. Move on.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 14/01/2019 13:07

I still can't quite believe it's been only a week it feels a lot longer....tell me things get easier

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 14/01/2019 14:16

It will get easier onemoresmartie - everything passes in time and this will too - we are designed, as humans, to get better, to recover, to get over things. Best to try not to dwell on it, but to look forwards and leave the past behind

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 14/01/2019 14:48

I am trying every day, I start off positive in the morning but my thoughts are consumed with him and how deeply hurt I feel because of the way it ended...not that it should matter as he was never going to apologise for any of his actions

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 14/01/2019 14:52

You really need to get some counselling.

This man has treated you like shit.
You've broken it off multiple times.
it is insane to keep repeating the same shit with someone that you know you cannot trust.

It is not the man you want, there is something going on with you that you need to look at before getting into another relationship.

Write down a list of all the shit things he has done, and look at it every single time you feel like you miss him, that should help a bit. However please heed what others are saying, you need to go and unravel this for yourself, to help you to make healthier choices for yourself.

MsDogLady · 14/01/2019 16:53

Smartie, you are giving up your life to a thug.

He has to hide in your home when in your town because he owes money to drug dealers. You are exposing your little son to danger.

Whenever he lies, steals, cheats, drugs, smashes, criticizes, demeans, abuses, and ‘shows no care or regret,’ you are always so shocked and crushed. Why?

Smartie, you are prioritizing a bad man. I would seek counseling to investigate why you are drawn to emotional danger and how to break this toxic addiction.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 14/01/2019 19:11

I think I'm shocked at how cruel the man I love can be after everything we have been through and how nice he portrays himself to be. I can't seem to move forward or move on.
I think I do need professional help but I don't know how to start

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 14/01/2019 19:19

Go and see your doctor.

He might profess to be nice but his series of actions show that he isn't. That's what you need to wake up to. YOu need to shake yourself awake!!

Write that list out, he isn't who you want him to be. That's it, you want him to be someone he actually isn't. The person you want him to be doesn't exist no matter what he says, he treats you like shit. That's the truth, stop trying to fool yourself.

Counselling will help you with this.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 14/01/2019 19:41

I wouldn't even know where to begin with the doctor and what would I say to book the appointment? I have no clue and think I would look a tit

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 14/01/2019 20:42

You know that he is not a nice person and never has been. He has no loyalty to you because he is a user and abuser. You’ve known this for ages. It is not logical that you would still be shocked every single time he demeans you.

Review the long list of his despicable behaviors that I listed in my post above....behaviors that you have written about. He committed all of those abuses at your house while you were providing him with love, food, shelter, sex, money, taxi service and protection from drug dealers. Please stop clinging to this train wreck.

chemicalworld · 14/01/2019 21:16

Tell the doctor that you need help to stop self destructive behaviours in the form of this relationship. You don't need to tell anything to a receptionist.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 19/01/2019 23:49

Not sure if anyone will reply but needed somewhere to write this all down...I have heard that my ex's dad has passed away and I feel bad for him as I know he will be in so much pain and want to be there for him but it isn't my place anymore is it and I would be a fool to unblock him I know
I had an overwhelming urge earlier to drive to his house but stopped myself...we have only been split now for a couple of weeks so I do still care and love him but I need to stay strong

Please tell me it's a bad idea

OP posts:
FreckledLeopard · 19/01/2019 23:59

It's a bad idea.

Just keep him blocked and move on with your life. The guy's a prick and it would be utterly foolish to make any contact. Have some self respect.

showmeshoyu · 20/01/2019 00:35

There will always be reasons in your head to pity or forgive him until you get your own head on straight. Don't ask others to tell you it's a bad idea, start finding your autonomy. You keep forgiving him because your fantasy version of him wouldn't treat you that way and needs you. You need to break that illusion and start believing in what you actually see.

PolkaDoting · 20/01/2019 00:42

You want a reason to contact him don’t you? It’s not your fault his dad died so you’re not really to blame if you get in touch. It’s fate.

MsDogLady · 20/01/2019 04:59

Only a few weeks ago this man called you a c**t to his friend because you asked for petrol money.....when you use your car to drive HIM around.

Why are you so desperate for mistreatment?

Weenurse · 20/01/2019 05:35

Stay strong

oiiiiiii · 20/01/2019 05:48

Jesus woman. Why do you so badly want this man to treat you like a punching bag? Honestly?? What will it take for you to realise that he hates you and has zero respect for you...

Whocansay · 20/01/2019 08:22

You have to stop looking for reasons to contact him, otherwise you will never break the cycle.

If you did contact him, what do you think would happen? He'll suck you back in, so he can shit all over you. Again.

You have to take control of your life and cut him out.

allaboutHR · 20/01/2019 08:34

It's an addiction OP. When he's nice you get a rush of chemicals to your brain so you're constantly craving his attention.

'Intermittent Reinforcement'

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